FADE IN:

QUANTICO FBI ACADEMY

Badass trainee FBI agent JODIE FOSTER goes to see her BOSS, SCOTT GLENN.

JODIE FOSTER

You wanted to see me, chief?

SCOTT GLENN

Yes, Jodes. I have an important mission for you. There’s a serial killer terrorizing the east coast. I need you to help find him.

JODIE FOSTER

He’ll probably wind up dead in a bar fight in like a month. Serial killers are crazy, they don’t last very long.

SCOTT GLENN

No, fuck that. The FBI is dedicating literally all of its resources towards the microscopic percentage of murders committed by the mentally deranged. No more drug investigations, no more terrorism, no more cults or white collar crime. From this movie onward, the FBI will handle only serial killers. And sometimes alien flukemen. But mostly serial killers.

JODIE FOSTER

The flukeman wasn’t an alien. He was a human mutated at Chernobyl.

SCOTT GLENN

It’s precisely that kind of pedantic attention to detail that makes you ideal for this mission. I need you to interview Anthony Hopkins.

JODIE FOSTER

The guy from Transformers: Dragon Orgy?

SCOTT GLENN

Unfortunately, yes. In addition to being balls crazy, we estimate he had approximately EVERY psychopath on the east coast in his rolodex at some point or another. Go shake down his scary brain and collect what knowledge nuggets he extrudes.

JODIE FOSTER

Ew. Okay.

INT. PSYCHIATRIC WARD

JODIE goes to get GREETED/SEXUALLY ASSAULTED by the HEAD CARETAKER, ANTHONY HEALD.

ANTHONY HEALD

So. You come here often?

JODIE FOSTER

To an insane asylum? Luckily, no.

ANTHONY HEALD

Well, you’ve gotta be careful around these nutjobs. And EXTRA super double careful around Anthony. Guy’s sort of superhuman. As in, he can read minds, detect lies, and smell your tampon from a mile away. He’s basically an X-Men mutant with a degree in psychotherapy and a taste for Bach.

JODIE FOSTER

I’m sure I can handle him. I majored in Determined Vulnerability at the academy.

ANTHONY HEALD

Well, if you want to get drinks sometime, I have a booth reserved at Hooters.

JODIE FOSTER

(laughs nervously)

ANTHONY HEALD

(muttering)

Lesbian…

JODIE FOSTER

(bites lip)

JODIE goes DOWN THE STAIRS and THROUGH THE IRON BARS and PAST THE THREE-HEADED DOG and OVER THE ROPE BRIDGE above the ACID PIT into the LAIR OF THE HYDRA that is lulled to SLEEP by the JESTER’S PANFLUTE you obtain in LEVEL 3 to get to the SUB-BASEMENT where the iconic SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS is standing like a HALLOWEEN CITY MANNEQUIN in his CELL.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Good evening, Jodie.

JODIE FOSTER

(shudders)

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Yup. I say every single line like I want to introduce you to my taxidermy recreations of Pokemon. Not exactly my rangiest role but I’ll probably win an Oscar for creep factor alone.

JODIE FOSTER

Well, Anthony. A serial killer named Buffalo Wild Wings has been kidnapping chubby ladies and killing them for their skins.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

How dreary. Where’s the doctor who’s obsessed with burying people like mushrooms? Or the freak who turns people into cellos?

JODIE FOSTER

Those are the stupidest ideas for serial killers I’ve ever heard.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

(bites lip)

JODIE FOSTER

I need your help, Anthony.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Oh joy! A series of mind games! Surely I can turn this to my advantage somehow.

JODIE FOSTER

What? No. Cooperate and we’ll transfer you to a nicer closet. That’s how every plea deal works. If you won’t help us then you’re welcome to fuck right the hell off.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

You underestimate my powers, Jodie. For I am without a doubt the only psychiatric profiler in all the world who can predict where this inbred Barney Fife will lay his next corpse. You must cater to my every insane whim! Leverage!

JODIE FOSTER

Dammit. Alright. I’ll play your stupid mind games. Go on. Sherlock me.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Very well.

(waves hands over crystal ball)

I sense you were poor once. A weak little hick girl with a Gump accent from coal country. Daddy issues compelled you to become a Strong Female Character, but on the inside you’re just yearning for Robert De Niro to rescue you from a whorehouse. You wear perfume because that is a thing many adult women do, and you have nice shoes, because you wanted to look nice today.

JODIE FOSTER

How could you know these things!?!

ANTHONY HOPKINS

(hissing)

Psssssychiatry!

JODIE FOSTER

W-well, I can read you too! You, uh, like to draw collapsed churches, because you’re secretly an emo fourteen-year old who just discovered Wicca. You eat your victims because you get a weird rush from pooping out human teeth. And fuck you for making fun of my accent. What’s yours? Trans-Atlantic Overeager Masseuse?

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Oh this SHALL be a wonderful frenemyship! But I’m afraid we must part for now. Come again!

But then a nearby PSYCHO takes ANTHONY’S ADVICE a little LITERALLY.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Wow! Shit. I am so sorry. That was an awful mood-killer right there. I cannot stand impoliteness. Belittling your intelligence, insulting your upbringing, and forcing you to relive personal tragedy is all hunky-dory, but I draw the line at jizz-flinging. Here. Take a clue for the road. You’ve earned it.

JODIE FOSTER

(wiping face)

WHY DOES ONLY YOUR CELL HAVE GLASS?! FUCK!

EXT. PARKING LOT – DEAD OF NIGHT O’CLOCK

BROOKE SMITH takes a leisurely stroll towards her APARTMENT, and, like many women, decides to take a detour, alone, through a DARK PARKING LOT. Little does she know, TED LEVINE watches her via NIGHTVISION GOGGLES nearby.

BROOKE SMITH

Boy, I sure do love all this luxurious SKIN I have! It’s so silky and feminine, and it covers almost all of me! Oh look. A couch hobo. Need a hand, sir?

TED LEVINE

I do, as a matter of fact. Would you mind putting this heavy object between yourself and the only exit to this windowless, unmarked van?

BROOKE SMITH

Can’t see why not.

TED LEVINE

Thanks bunches. If you could go ahead and knock yourself unconscious that’d be extra helpful.

BROOKE SMITH

Can do!

BROOKE beans herself on a LEAD BAT and goes NAPPY TIME. TED drives off, leaving BROOKE’S CAT to presumably STARVE TO DEATH in her APARTMENT. FUCK.

INT. CRAZY WARD

Having found her CLUE, JODIE returns to ANTHONY in his CELL.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Good evening, Jodie. How did you like your little trip?

JODIE FOSTER

Well, I found that transvestite’s head in the garage with the moth in its throat. That was fun. What does that have to do with anything, exactly?

ANTHONY HOPKINS

‘Twas a riddle, my good Jodie! The name was a clever pun of mine!

JODIE FOSTER

Cute. Care to explain literally any of that, or do you just enjoy wasting taxpayer money on Doctor Seuss rhymes?

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Let me tell you about moths.

JODIE FOSTER

Fuck.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Moths represent change. Your killer wants to change. He’ll probably keep kidnapping women so he can change into them.

JODIE FOSTER

That doesn’t actually explain why he puts rare and easily traceable moth chrysalises into his victims’ throats. At all.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Well now that I’ve tantalized you with my superhuman profiling abilities, I demand a quid pro quo. Transfer me to the Bahamas and I’ll tell you where B-Dubs will strike again. Oh, and I want you to relive more trauma for no reason.

JODIE FOSTER

Fuck. Alright. I once made a movie with Mel Gibson.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Horrendous but no. I need something better. We’ll get back to it.

INT. PODUNK TOWN

JODIE and SCOTT go to examine B-DUBS’S LATEST VICTIM at a FUNERAL HOME.

SHERIFF

Well, I gotta say, I ain’t too keen on having y’all east coast fancy-pants investigators snooping ‘round these parts. We a simple folk down here, we solve our murders the old-fashioned way, by asking Clem at the hydro store if he seen somethin’ untoward.

SCOTT GLENN

(donning a straw hat and corncob pipe)

Ahem, I surely do understand your misgivings, pardner. Them big city elitists don’t know a good serial killing from Adam, way I see it.

SHERIFF

I like the cut o’ your jib, friend. Shame you got one a’ them females on your team there, else we could have ourselves one wild-ass goose chase.

SCOTT GLENN

Lordy! How’d she get outta the hen house! Bad Jodie! Bad!

SCOTT begins squirting JODIE with a SPRAY BOTTLE until she SIGHS and LEAVES. In the other room, she discovers a YOUNGER ACTRESS with a NOTICEABLY DIFFERENT EYE COLOR reliving her FATHER’S FUNERAL for her.

JODIE FOSTER

Oh, the myriad and complex ways men have defined my life, for good or ill. There’s no place for a career-minded girl like me in this world. But maybe, if I can save even one woman from the kiln that is patriarchy, I can find a measure of peace…

(inhales)

Now let’s get that tubby corpse on the gurney so we can examine her like an underdone steak.

JODIE examines the body and finds out that YEP, SHE’S DEAD. All of the OTHER FBI AGENTS display remarkably POOR SELF-CONTROL while they look at what must be their SEVEN BILLIONTH CORPSE.

JODIE FOSTER

(dictating into tape recorder)

The victim had strips of skin removed in a diamond pattern. Ironically, if I had more traditionally feminine interests, I’d be able to recognize this as a sewing pattern. I guess that’s commentary or something? Oh look, another moth. Are we allowed to waterboard Anthony until he tells us shit yet?

INT. WELL OF DARKNESS IN THE BASEMENT OF DOOM

MEANWHILE, TED and BROOKE are getting to know each other a little better through the magic of SKIN CARE MANAGEMENT.

TED LEVINE

Come ooooon…

BROOKE SMITH

No.

TED LEVINE

Pleeeeeease!

BROOKE SMITH

Uh-uh.

TED LEVINE

Just rub it on your skin. Please. For real.

BROOKE SMITH

Why do you want me to moisturize so badly?

TED LEVINE

Just want you lookin’ good, girl. You’re staring down crow’s feet at 35 at this rate.

BROOKE SMITH

Ugh, fine. This is a rather aggressive beauty routine, I must say. Do you think I could leave soon? I have a cat at home…

TED LEVINE

You can’t leave YET! You need to tone those thighs! Get on the Stairmaster.

BROOKE SMITH

Jesus, alright already. You know, I don’t even remember signing up for this personal training session.

TED LEVINE

Oh no, you totally did.

BROOKE SMITH

Starting to think maybe you aren’t working for Planet Fitness at all.

TED LEVINE

You got me. I’m XSport. Now eat your gruel. It’s a superfood. I’m gonna go dance in drag with my junk tucked up.

BROOKE SMITH

(taking a big bite of gruel)

(to the camera)

Fitness, am I right?!

From somewhere in the bowels of the labyrinthine basement, a LAUGH TRACK plays.

EXT. TARMAC, BOSTON AIRPORT

To better assist with the case, ANTHONY has been MAILED to BOSTON so he can talk directly to BROOKE’S MOTHER, SENATOR DIANE BAKER.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Good evening, Diane.

DIANE BAKER

Hello, Doctor. I’ve heard you have some information for me that you couldn’t be compelled to give over the phone?

ANTHONY HOPKINS

I do. But first I have to ask, did you breastfeed your daughter?

DIANE BAKER

Ew. Well yeah. Most mothers do, I think.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Heh heh heh. Breasts.

DIANE BAKER

Oooookay. So you flew to Boston just to fuck with me?

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Basically.

DIANE BAKER

Rude.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

What?! No it isn’t! I haven’t flung any jizz at you!

DIANE BAKER

Alright, well, you can fuck right off back to 4chan now, you fucking creeper.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Ugh, fine. Your daughter’s kidnapper is a middle-aged white male, 6 foot or thereabouts. Shoe size men’s ten, blood type B-positive, probably likes drag bars. His name is Rocky Barb Woopot. Better?

DIANE BAKER

Well shit, I hope somebody wrote that down.

ANTHONY HEALD

You know, I would have but I seem to have misplaced my pen.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Mwahahahahaaa!

ANTHONY HEALD

Why are you laughing? There’s no possible way you could have taken it, being restrained the entire way here. And what can you do with one pen anyway? You’re a 150 pound nerd in a straightjacket, Diane over here could probably take you in a fight.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Oh, you’ll see. You’ll ALL see!

ANTHONY HEALD

Enough! Lock him in the local prison!

OFFICER

Uh, literally all of Boston’s prisons are completely full, sir.

ANTHONY HEALD

Damn! Then I suppose we’ll just have to construct a huge iron cage in some random office building to hold Dr. Anthony.

OFFICER

Alright. I’ll rig up some security cameras-

ANTHONY HEALD

We’re not MADE of money!! Just build the cage and fill it with amenities Anthony shouldn’t have access to. That should be more than secure. Unless we’re using those cheap-ass handcuffs that can get opened by pen parts…

OFFICER

(bites lip)

INT. OFFICE BUILDING CAGE

Having VULNERABLY DETERMINED her way into the secure building, JODIE goes to confront ANTHONY in person one last time!

JODIE FOSTER

I figured out your riddle, Dr. Anthony. Rocky Barb Woopot is an anagram for “Robot Cowboy Park”, which is the second stupidest idea I ever heard from you.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

(bites lip so hard it bleeds)

JODIE FOSTER

Stop fucking with us and tell me where Brooke is!

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Very well. But first you must tell me the traumatiziest trauma that ever trauma’d you.

JODIE FOSTER

Oh god. Very well. My mom died of cancer and my dad died of bullet-related illnesses, so I got shuffled into the foster system. Naturally they decided to place me in the safest, healthiest environment a traumatized young girl could be in - a slaughterhouse. Every night I could hear the spring lambs being turned into catfood, until the day I couldn’t take it anymore. I snuck in and stole one and ran away with it. So yeah. I guess I like saving things?

ANTHONY HOPKINS

And thus the pieces come together. You, ever haunted by your father’s ghost, with the memory of his hand on your shoulder, guiding you to mete out justice for the helpless, unceasing in your quest for a peace you will never attain. You, Jodie Foster, long for tranquility…

(pause)

In the silence of the lambs.

MUSIC SWELLS.

JODIE FOSTER

I can’t decide if that was the coolest title drop in cinema history or the stupidest.

ANTHONY HEALD

What! How did you get in here? Dave! Did you leave the screen door unlatched again!?

OFFICER

I wanted an actual door! You said we couldn’t afford it!

ANTHONY HEALD

Doors cost MONEY, Dave! I need that for snorting various substances off of hooker asses!

JODIE is shuffled away in a wave of TESTOSTERONE and MISOGYNY.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Man, I’d love to feed that girl some brains someday. Oh well…

ANTHONY uses the MISSING PEN to UNLATCH his SCREEN DOOR CAGE and then speaks the THREE RIDDLES to the GRIFFIN and then rides him through the SWINGING BLADES and then checks the PRIMA STRATEGY GUIDE to figure out which PEDESTAL to place the LAMP of SHA’CKI’TO upon and the DOOR opens and he is FREE!

Then he decides to go BACK and set up a MINI-RAVE complete with LIGHTING FIXTURES and one of his GUARDS as the CAKE TOPPER while he steals the other one’s FACE. Which is way STUPIDER and takes like EIGHT HOURS but still, he ESCAPES!

EXT. HOUSE – BUMFUCK, WEST VIRGINIA

Having realized from ANTHONY’S NOTES that BUFFALO SAUCE probably knew his victims PERSONALLY, which really should have occurred to someone SOONER, JODIE decides to go his HOMETOWN and start knocking on DOORS. And WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT…

JODIE FOSTER

Hello, sir. Would you happen to know of any murderers in this area lately?

TED LEVINE

Hmm. Nope. Nothing murdery round these parts. Excuse me, I have a victim in the oven I MEAN soufflé in the basement.

JODIE FOSTER

Whatever. This case is a dead end anyway. We actually have FEWER serial killers in custody than when I started. I should probably just pack it in and have kids or something.

But a MOTH lands nearby and JODIE realizes it is a SERIAL KILLER MOTH because she has MICROSCOPE VISION!

JODIE FOSTER

Fuck. Alright. Calm down, Jodie. Remember your training. It’s time to prove girls can be just as effective as any man. Deep breath aaaaand-

(draws her gun)

FREEZE, STOP MOVING, HALT, CEASE, DESIST, ARREST YOUR MOMENTUM, AND IMMOBILIZE YOURSELF!

TED LEVINE

Aw, that’s adorable. Are you on your period or something?

JODIE FOSTER

I’M SERIOUS JACKASS, GRAB SOME WALL OR I’ll-

TED LEVINE

(pats her on the head)

There there.

(leaves)

JODIE FOSTER

Goddammit!

JODIE pursues TED into his BASEMENT of WONDERS and finds BROOKE SMITH in the EXERCISE HOLE.

JODIE FOSTER

Brooke! I’m FBI! You are safe, repeat, you are safe! But also shut up and don’t give away my position!

BROOKE SMITH

Get me out of here! Please! I’ve eaten nothing but mushy chia seeds and almond milk for four days!

JODIE FOSTER

Those are super good for your skin but still!

Suddenly, the LIGHTS GO OUT and the film switches to FIRST PERSON MODE! We see through TED’S NIGHT VISION GOGGLES as he watches JODIE breathe like a broken TOILET TANK as she STUMBLES through his BASEMENT.

JODIE FOSTER

Okay Jodes. You fucked up the arrest upstairs. And most of the investigation. And your deals with Anthony led to his escape. And you couldn’t save that lamb, or your dad, or the other five women killed by Chicken Fries over there. But you can do this! Redemption! Empowerment!

TED LEVINE

(farts)

JODIE FOSTER

BULLETS BULLETS ALL THE BULLETS SHOOTY SHOOTY AAAAHHHHHH FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUUCK YOU DIIIIIIIE!!!!

Having SPRAY and PRAY’D TED to death, JODIE rests on the ground, exhausted but VICTORIOUS!

JODIE FOSTER

Fuck yeah! Take that, memory lambs! Dad’s proud of me now!

BROOKE SMITH

Um. You’re not a serial killer too, right?

INT. FBI PARTY

JODIE stands in the corner of her LAW ENFORCEMENT BAR MITZVAH.

SCOTT GLENN

Well, Jodie, you did good. Wait, is it sexist of me to say that? I’m still learning…

JODIE FOSTER

You’re okay, Scott. I’m just gonna chill here and try to drown out those lamb screams.

SCOTT GLENN

Well, eat some cake! It’ll cheer you up! Wait, you’re not on a diet are you? I respect that decision. Wait, was it sexist of me to assume that? Eat all the cake you want! As your superior, I command it! Wait, is it sexist of me to be your superior? I’m not saying I’m SUPERIOR, just that I AM technically your-

The OMINOUS PHONE rings!

SCOTT GLENN

Thank god. Jodie, please answer that. Not that I think you’re a receptionist or anything! I love ladies! Fuck! Women! FUCK! I RESPECT YOUUUUUU!!!

SCOTT flees. JODIE sighs and answers the PHONE.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Good evening, Jodie.

JODIE FOSTER

(spits out her drink)

(pauses to wonder how a drink got into her mouth)

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Hmm. I can hear those lambs screaming all the way here in Costa Rica. They didn’t stop, did they? They’ll never stop. There will always be another victim and you will never be happy. At least until the next book when I hypnotize you out of your daddy issues and you thank me by becoming my globetrotting fuck buddy.

(pause)

So you wanna get dinner or something? I’m making tacos out of Anthony Heald.

JODIE FOSTER

I… what? What?!? That is literally, without a doubt, the stupidest, most insane, most insulting possible way to wrap up my character arc. The closest I’m ever getting to your dick is when I’m lasering it with a sniper rifle.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

….so that’s a no then?

JODIE FOSTER

(hangs up)

ANTHONY HOPKINS

(bites lip)

EVERYONE

(collects every Oscar)

END