FADE IN:

INT. A RESTAURANT -- BELGIUM

Teenaged student GARANCE MARILLIER is having lunch with her PARENTS.

GARANCE'S MOM

Ohmigod they put a piece of meat in your mashed potatoes! How dare they! Don’t they know we’re vegetarians? What if you’d been allergic??

GARANCE MARILLIER

That’s a good point. Why NOT tell me I’m allergic? That’d be a much stronger motivation for me to avoid meat than your vegetarian cover story.

GARANCE'S DAD

Ha ha, what cover story, ha ha? Now eat your vegetarian meal before we take you to veterinarian college.

GARANCE MARILLIER

Are you seriously telling me my character is a vegetarian veterinarian? Do you have NO sympathy for the people writing the Video On Demand summaries for this movie?

EXT. VETERINARY COLLEGE

GARANCE'S PARENTS drop her off in a deserted quad.

GARANCE'S MOM

And here we are, at your strange, new, unfamiliar home! Funny, your older sister was supposed to pick you up oh well BYYEEEE

(drives off)

GARANCE MARILLIER

Huh. Well this seems like a nice quiet studious place of learning.

(to the tune of "Modern Major-General")

I’ll tend to all the animals,

I’ll pick ‘em up and carry ‘em,

I’m at the very vanguard

As a veggie veterinarian!

(smiles)

So where do I buy my books and settle into a rigorous routine of-

MOB OF VET STUDENTS

(swarming)

BWAAARHGGHHHH RUSH WEEK PARTYYY TIIIME OH YYYEAHHHH BOOZE AND DRUGS AND SEX AND EYEBALL-LICKING AND FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKYEEEAHHH

GARANCE MARILLIER

Urk! Where the fuck is my sister anyway?

ELLA RUMPF

Over here! Sorry I didn’t pick you up, I was busy explaining to people that my last name is NOT a John Oliver joke. Like the party so far?

GARANCE MARILLIER

I dunno, I feel weird with all this debauchery and aggressive hazing and... holy shit is that a midget furry?

ELLA RUMPF

No no, that’s my pet dog, that I bring along to all our illicit drug orgies.

GARANCE MARILLIER

Why would people who care about animals’ health agree to-

UPPER-YEAR STUDENTS

ATTENTION! WE ARE THE VETERAN VETERINARIANS! ALL OTHER VETERANARIANS, ESPECIALLY THE VEGETARIAN VETERINARIANS, MUST EVER CALL US VETERAN VETERENARIANS, UNTIL THEY THEMSELVES HAVE BEEN VETTED AS VETERAN VEGETARIAN VETERINARIANS!!!

GARANCE MARILLIER

Oh come on.

ELLA RUMPF

Now you must eat this raw rabbit liver, or fail initiation! Don’t worry sis, I did this when I started here, and I’m totes fine.

(howls at moon)

(fails to reflect in mirror)

(orders fava beans and chianti)

(eats brain to help solve murder case, hilariously taking on aspects of the victim’s personality)

Whaddya say?

GARANCE MARILLIER

(sighs)

Okay, fine...

(eats teeny tiny piece of raw meat)

(projectile vomits)

BLLUURRRRRRGGGGFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

(breaks out in enormous rash)

AGGHH ITCH ITCH ITCH ITCH

(half her skin peels off)

Yeah, I don't know what I was so worried about.

INT. DORM ROOM

GARANCE finds her room and meets her roommate, RABAH NAIT OUFELLA.

RABAH NAIT OUFELLA

Hi, I’m gay, and I’m super buff! But don’t worry, I’m more than just a slab of meat, ha ha ha.

GARANCE MARILLIER

Um, yes. Obviously. Don’t suppose I could interest you in a nutritious breakfast of raw chicken breast OOOPSIE I MEAN REGULAR NORMAL CEREAL, HA HA HA, seriously please do have some Froot Lips ERM Raisin Brain OOPS I MEAN Frosted Flanks I MEAN Lucky Arms OH FUCK BYYYEEEE

(runs off)

INT. ELLA’S ROOM

GARANCE and ELLA chill out doing regular everyday mundane typical sister stuff.

ELLA RUMPF

Part of rush week is for all the rookies to dress like super sluts, so we’d better wax your snatch. Hold still!

(rips off wax)

GARANCE MARILLIER

ARRRRGHHHH TOOTS THIELEMANNNSSSS

ELLA RUMPF

Oh crap, some of it got stuck, as these hyper-zoomed-in close-ups of your crotch indicate. Don’t worry though, I got this!

(grabs garden shears, blowtorch)

GARANCE MARILLIER

FUUUUCK THAAAT

(flails)

ELLA RUMPF

Okay, jeez, don’t throw a fit. Also please don't throw my finger that just got severed. Wow, blood!

(faints)

GARANCE MARILLIER

Oh shit!

(calls ambulance)

Where'd it go---

(grabs severed finger)

Phew! Must preserve Ella’s finger! Mmmm, chicken fingers.

(nibbles)

No! No! I should put this on ice. Mmmmm, ice cream.

(gnaws)

Dammit! Argh! Well, I’m sure she’ll never notice missing a WEE little bit of her BLOMF MLPHHM GLMMPHH

(chows down)

ELLA RUMPF

(regaining consciousness)

DUDE. Shit. I would give you the finger except you already ate it.

INT. HOSPITAL

GARANCE'S MOM and DAD visit their daughter in hospital.

GARANCE'S DAD

So your story is that Ella’s pet dog ate her finger.

GARANCE MARILLIER

(wiping blood off chin)

Yep! That's my story and it contains at least a few words that are 100% accurate.

GARANCE'S MOM

Well, you'll be relieved to hear that we know exactly what's REALLY going on, and we can now offer you invaluable information and guidance as to JUST KIDDING GOOD LUCK BYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(drives off, radio blaring)

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD

GARANCE follows ELLA to a picturesque country road lined with pretty trees. Say, why not pay a visit to scenic rural Belgium? Book your trip today, we'd love to bite consume devour tear the still living flesh from your bones with our bloodied teeth as you scream helplessly entertain you!

GARANCE MARILLIER

Are we gonna talk about my sudden insatiable craving for raw flesh, maybe? I'm a little concerned.

ELLA RUMPF

Well the good news is that I have it too, and it's completely manageable with only a few simple adjustments to your routine, and ethical code. Observe!

ELLA dives out in front of a CAR which swerves and faceplants into a TREE! ELLA opens the car door to reveal two freshly made corpses within, hot off the grill windshield.

ELLA RUMPF

Ta-da! Rather than make ME into a Belgian waffle, they made themselves into lunch! Works every time.

(begins munching)

GARANCE MARILLIER

EVERY time? Wait, there was a smashed car a few scenes ago, AND at the opening of the movie, those were you too? Has nobody noticed the odd rate of fatalities on this road?

ELLA RUMPF

Not yet. I'm just glad that so far everybody always insta-dies when I do this trick. Would be awkward if someone survived, fought back, escaped, cried out...

GARANCE MARILLIER

Well I won't participate in this! SURELY we can think of another solution besides murdering humans. We should brainstorm in between vet classes at our vet college full of random animals.

ELLA RUMPF

(mouth full of shoulder meat)

Mmllmmph, yes, we should find some time to chew the fat together.

GARANCE MARILLIER

Dammit Ella.

EXT. BACK AT CAMPUS

GARANCE returns to her campus full of animals, some of which will be killed and dissected for teaching purposes, and furiously tries to think of another solution to her dilemma.

GARANCE MARILLIER

Think, Garance! Think think think. Staring at Rabah will help me think. Yep, watching his rippling muscles and scrumptious physique will DEFINITELY help come up with a plan.

(drools)

(puts on lobster bib)

That night there's another HAZING RITUAL where GARANCE gets covered in blue paint, and thrown into a room with some GUY STUDENT covered in yellow paint.

VET VET

And don't come out until both of you are orange! Or purple or whatever colour blue and yellow make! Goddammit we're vet students not visual arts majors!!

RANDOM GUY STUDENT

OW! She bit part of my lip off! Okay, we've done a lot of crazy shit this week but SURELY there's some kind of consequence for

INT. GARANCE'S ROOM

GARANCE showers up and lies in bed with RABAH.

GARANCE MARILLIER

So Rabah, I know you're gay and all but I was hoping you could help me out with that applied reproductive biology assignment? I just need to finish it SO BAD...

(bites own lip)

MMM MORE YUMMY YUMMY LIP FOR ME I mean, erm, sexy look?

They begin FUCKING.

GARANCE MARILLIER

Wheeee! Remember folks, sexuality is a spectrum! Also, don't forget to bring a snack!

(tries to chomp Rabah)

RABAH NAIT OUFELLA

Dude!

GARANCE MARILLIER

Fine, I'll just gnaw my own arm. NOM NOM NOM

RABAH NAIT OUFELLA

So hot.

INT. YET ANOTHER VET PARTY, LIKE WHEN THE FUCK DO THESE KIDS GET ANYTHING DONE?? IS THIS A BELGIAN THING OR HAVE I JUST GOTTEN OLD WAIT DON'T ANSWER THAT

GARANCE goes to the party and gets SUPER DRUNK and begins THROWING HERSELF AT EVERY LIVE BODY IN SIGHT.

GARANCE MARILLIER

My plan of finding an alternate solution is going AWESOME!

ELLA RUMPF

Oh crap, Garance is spiralling out of control. This could expose both of us and destroy BOTH our lives. What to do...

ELLA leads GARANCE down to the MORGUE and takes VIDEO of her trying to take bites out of a CORPSE while ELLA dangles it just out of reach. Then ELLA posts it all over the INTERNET.

ELLA RUMPF

Look, this is vet college, not thinking-ahead college, okay?

EXT. CAMPUS QUAD - THE NEXT MORNING

GARANCE confronts ELLA out in the QUAD.

GARANCE MARILLIER

You fucking asshole! You put my cannislut video on ChewTube!

(slaps Ella)

ELLA RUMPF

Well why'd you have to be such a spaz?!

(kicks Garance)

GARANCE MARILLIER

I thought I could trust you!!

(bites Ella)

ELLA RUMPF

I didn't ask for this!

(carves off slice of Garance and dips it in habanero sauce)

GARANCE MARILLIER

I hate you so much!

(expertly debones Ella's left hand and sautees it with mushrooms and shallots before serving with a white wine raspberry reduction over a bed of jasmine rice)

OTHER STUDENTS

(puking everywhere)

ELLA RUMPF

What are you losers looking at? You never seen sisters fight before?

(uses her advantage from previous competition to force Garance to prepare savoury dessert without the use of human tendons)

INT. GARANCE'S ROOM - THE NEXT DAY

GARANCE slowly wakes up with RABAH lying beside her.

GARANCE MARILLIER

(groggy)

Oof, I feel like shit. What a week, eh Rabah? And that was so sweet of you to let my sister crash here overnight so she could kill you with a ski pole and we could devour YOUR ENTIRE LEG HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK ELLA

ELLA RUMPF

(shrugs)

I just thought you'd like breakfast in bed! HEY-OHHHHHHHH

(mugs to camera)

GARANCE MARILLIER

I should have known not to trust the C in Dorm 23!

(mugs to camera)

ELLA RUMPF

(frowns)

Hey, who are you calling a--

GARANCE MARILLIER

(hastily)

Cannibal, sis. Cannibal.

Finally the COPS notice the enormous trail of BODIES and throw ELLA in JAIL. GARANCE is sent home.

INT. GARANCE'S PARENTS' HOUSE

GARANCE'S MOM makes the family some BREAKFAST and thankfully the camera doesn't look too closely at what it is.

GARANCE'S DAD

I'm so sorry for everything. But I want to make it clear, you get this shit from your Mom.

(opens shirt to reveal chunks of missing flesh)

GARANCE MARILLIER

Oh shit! So you admit you knew all along, and FINALLY I get to know the truth! What are we, vampires? Werewolves? Zombies? I figure it’s one of the Big Three, right? Or is it more obscure like Wights, Strigoi, Were-Pandas?!? C’mon, what am I? TELL ME!

GARANCE'S DAD

Well now that it’s the very end of the movie, I can AT LAST reveal that you are in fact

END