FADE IN:

We open with the famous INTRO SEQUENCE, in which DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER outdoes every SAW film ever made in about TWO MINUTES. TRENT REZNOR supplies the INTRO SONG by drinking RAT BLOOD and the SPINAL FLUID of CHRISTMAS ELVES, eating the ROTTING CARCASSES of BELOVED CHILDHOOD PETS, and then vomiting the RESULTING MESS across a CASIO KEYBOARD wrapped in BARBED WIRE, which he then rakes his BALLS across.

INT. HOUSE

A FAT GUY has EATEN HIMSELF TO DEATH. Detective MORGAN FREEMAN is on the case!

MORGAN FREEMAN

My oh my, what a lovely day for some sleuthing and snooping. It's like my father always told me, "Get busy living, or get busy getting forced at gunpoint to eat until you rupture internally."

COP

Dammit Morgan, we don't need any of your sage wisdom right now. Let's just half-ass this potentially career-making murder case and get back to our bland lives of jaded apathy.

MORGON FREEMAN

Can't say I put much stock in not giving a shit about things. Hope is a beautiful bird, and when its wings take flight it ascends towards the heaven like a glorious-

BRAD PITT

(stomping around, destroying evidence)

What the fuck are you doing you fucking fuck?

MORGAN FREEMAN

And who might you be, angry young man?

BRAD PITT

I'm your fucking new sidekick, asshole.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Seems you've got some jimmies all a-rustled. It's times like these I like to remind myself that we're all beautiful individuals with many wonderful things to offer each other.

BRAD PITT

Ew. There's fucking vomit in this bucking fucket. Sorry, fucking bucket.

MORGAN FREEMAN

And nobody ever told you that you might have to deal with bodily fluids while working murder cases? What a strange world it is. My oh my...

INT. POLICE STATION

MORGAN and BRAD talk to police chief R. LEE ERMEY.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Now I'm just an old fool myself, but I do believe that the ritual, premeditated nature of this murder suggests that the perpetrator will likely commit similar acts in the near future.

R. LEE ERMEY

God dammit, twinkletoes, don't you know the first rule of police work?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Care deeply about all living things? Shoulder the burden of man's inhumanity towards man with stoic grace and wisdom?

R. LEE ERMEY

You cut that Maya Angelou shit out right now, you scum-sucking waste of carbon. The first rule of police work is-

BRAD PITT

Don't give a fucking shit about any-fucking-one.

R. LEE ERMEY

This kid's going places. Now I want to see you two hinder each other at every turn with your wildly divergent worldviews and incompatible personalities. If I catch so much as a whiff of mutual respect begin to appear in this dysfunctional partnership so help me almighty Jesus I'll have your asses spit-roasted. FALL OUT!

BRAD PITT

Fucking thank you sir.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Well don't that beat all...

LATER, ERMEY goes to see MORGAN in his OFFICE.

R. LEE ERMEY

So you're getting ready to retire, then.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Yes sir, I am. Gonna move up north and open that charter fishing business I've always wanted. It's gonna be the quiet life for me after I retire in seven days. Just one week til retirement. I am a cop. And I'm retiring.

R. LEE ERMEY

I'm pretty sure even your likability can't undo all the plot-karma you just incurred. I'll start making arrangements for somebody's funeral. But why, Morgan? You're the only cop in this force who could detect his way out of a closet.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Seems my weary bones just can't keep up with the times. Kids these days are murdering each other for no reason. Back in my day, people had the decency to channel all that energy into slaughtering Vietnamese families or beating Civil Rights protesters.

R. LEE ERMEY

(wistfully)

It was a more civilized age. Oh, by the way, the lard ass in the morgue swallowed some chips of floor for some reason. Just in case you wanted a clue to obsess over.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Floor, you say? Now this is a puzzle of a puzzle...

MORGAN goes back to the FAT GUY'S HOUSE and DETERMINES the chips of floor mean the FRIDGE was moved, something any half-decent FORENSICS TEAM should have been able to figure out INSTANTLY even without CHIPS OF FLOOR to show them.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Lord oh lord, it looks like some individual has scribbled "GLUTTONY" on the wall behind this here Frigidaire. I'm thinking we have a Biblical theme to these here murders.

BRAD PITT

Some fucking suit downtown got did. Chucklefuck who did it wrote "GREED" on the floor in blood.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Bible it is then. Glad to hear it's not Koran-themed murders. Je Suis Charlie indeed.

INT. APARTMENT

Having identified the murderer's RELIGION, MORGAN must face his most HORRIFYING trial yet... DINNER WITH GWYNETH PALTROW!

MORGAN FREEMAN

My what a lovely home. Did you decorate it yourself?

GWYNETH PALTROW

Yes I did. I'm going to be the new Martha Stewart someday!

BRAD PITT

(snorts, makes jerk off motion)

MORGAN FREEMAN

And you can allllmost reign in your husband's debilitating temper issues. I applaud this traditional marriage.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Yep! I knew I was going to marry him after our first date.

MORGAN FREEMAN

That's incredibly stupid.

(pause)

Wait, this is a pre-Frozen Hollywood. That's adorable. You two are gonna make it.

Later, the two detectives follow up their LOVELY FAMILY DINNER by examining some PHOTOS OF BRUTAL MURDERS.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Well looky right here. Seems the bad guy flipped a painting upside down in the "Greed" guy's office. Goodness me, this here murderer sure does have some artistic leanings.

BRAD PITT

As well as the ability to turn fucking invisible and make no noise for hours at a time. Seriously, how the fuck does this guy set all this shit up with no neighbors hearing or seeing fucking anything?

MORGAN FREEMAN

He's obviously a master criminal with incredible plot armor. We'll have to step up our game. Well, YOU'LL have to step up your game. I'm still retiring at the end of the week and opening that little corner cafe I've always wanted. Yes sir, no more police work for me. I'm just here to satisfy my curiosity, instead of working on an actual case where I could spend my last days doing some good.

They go to the OFFICE and find FINGER PRINTS behind the FLIPPED PAINTING, which is SOMETHING ELSE a good FORENSICS TEAM should have been able to see in about ten seconds.

INT. POLICE STATION

MORGAN and BRAD deliver their FINGERPRINTS to the FORENSICS GUY.

BRAD PITT

So what the fuck did you find?

FORENSICS GUY

Nothing. This machine can take three days to find a print match.

BRAD PITT

What? No it fucking doesn't. Google could still parse a million search results in a few fucking seconds back in 1995. Your shitty computer isn't powered by a cotton gin.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Well I guess this gives us a little time to chit chat. Did I ever tell you how sad I get that some murders go unsolved? It's a tough racket. We just take the pictures and file away the evidence on the off chance that it will be used in court some day.

BRAD PITT

Yes, that is literally our job. Congratulations on figuring this out just fucking now.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Life is a broken mirror. You can put the pieces back into place, but your reflection will always be skewed.

BRAD PITT

Not gonna lie, your bullshit homilies are doing wonders for my insomnia. Drone on, you old fuck.

They fall asleep on the couch and awaken in an ADORABLE POSE.

R. LEE ERMEY

You nutsacks better not be connecting on a personal level right there.

BRAD PITT

No sir!

R. LEE ERMEY

We had a hit last night. Turns out the fingerprints belong to one of those garden variety psychopaths that exist on every street corner in every crime show and movie.

MORGAN FREEMAN

With respect, sir, my old black man intuition is telling me this is no run-of-the-mill psychopath who did this. I think it must be some sort of super psychopath!

R. LEE ERMEY

I don't think "old black man intuition" is going to play in court so we're gonna go ahead with my plan.

They follow the SWAT team to Psycho Guy's APARTMENT, and instead find the guy has been CHAINED TO A BED so long he turned into the lovechild of the CRYPT KEEPER and a WHITE WALKER!

MORGAN FREEMAN

Hmm, "Sloth" indeed. I mean, this murdering rapist seemed like quite the active fellow to me, not sure exactly why his sin was "Sloth".

BRAD PITT

You're asking for consistency from a fucking Christian psycho murderer. We're lucky this jackass isn't killing barbers because Leviticus says you're not supposed to cut your fucking hair. Oh look, Kevin Spacey.

KEVIN SPACEY

(goofy New York accent)

MORGAN FREEMAN

What a delightful celebrity cameo that was. Bye-bye, Kevin!

Later that night, MORGAN gets a call from GWYNETH.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Sorry to wake you up, Morgan. I just really need a good dose of that Old Black Man intuition I keep hearing about.

MORGAN FREEMAN

My silky, creamy voice is at your disposal.

GWYNETH PALTROW

I'm preggers and I don't know if I should raise the baby in this blasted hellscape we call urban America.

MORGAN FREEMAN

My my, that is a tough decision. My girlfriend got pregnant once, sometime way back in the day. Now I have a deep and abiding love for all of God's creatures, but child support doesn't grow on trees. I told my lady to have the abortion, she did, and then that irredeemable transgression ruined our relationship and left me lonely and regretful for the rest of my days.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Wow. Pro-life much?

MORGAN FREEMAN

I'm more pro-life than a Catholic white mage with a pocket full of Phoenix downs.

GWYNETH PALTROW

So if I do decide to nip it in the bud and work on getting a stable career before raising a family, like a normal person, then I'll become depressed and my marriage will fall apart?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Almost certainly. But hey, don't lose your head over it.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Aaaayyyyyyy!

MORGAN FREEMAN

Aaaaayyyyyyyy!!

They both make SHOOTY FINGERS at each other.

INT. LIBRARY

Having done FUCK ALL this entire movie, BRAD must now face his GREATEST challenge yet...LIGHT READING!

BRAD PITT

Meeeeehhhhhhh libraries are booooring. When do I get to fucking shoot something!

MORGAN FREEMAN

Now now, you uncultured swine. Reading is a magical experience that can transport you to whole new universes of perspective.

BRAD PITT

(slaps face with a copy of "Lord of the Flies")

Am I doing this right?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Goodness me, a detective who can't read or detect. What odd birds we humans are. Anyway, I figure the murderer seems like the literary type, so he must read some Chaucer and Dante down at the local library.

BRAD PITT

Instead of just buying the books at a store like a normal person?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Precisely. Operating on this assumption, I will also assume that Canterbury Tales, Divine Comedy, and the works of Thomas Aquinas will put this guy on some FBI watchlists.

BRAD PITT

What are "watch lists"?

MORGAN FREEMAN

My my, pre-9/11 was an interesting place. Anyway, now I just have to get access to these FBI files by paying Mark Boone Junior a couple hundred bucks instead of just calling the FBI on the telephone.

MARK BOONE JUNIOR

Happy to help.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Aaaand bingo! We've now magically got the murderer's home address!

BRAD PITT

Fucking alright already! Let's pop somebody!

They go to CASA DE SPACEY and prepare to enter but at just that moment...

MORGAN FREEMAN

Oh looky here, Kevin's back! How you doing, Kev!

KEVIN SPACEY

(shoots at them with a gun)

MORGAN FREEMAN

Nice talking to you.

BRAD PITT

Fucking finally!

BRAD chases KEVIN into an ALLEYWAY and gets his FACE CAVED IN. KEVIN escapes!

BRAD PITT

I am starting to see why Morgan thinks I'm a useless sack of shit.

BRAD goes back to meet MORGAN at KEVIN's apartment.

BRAD PITT

Alright, well, now that I got that out of my system, how's about we bust on in?

MORGAN FREEMAN

No. We can't do that. We need a warrant.

BRAD PITT

What? No we fucking don't. Kevin just shot at us. With a gun. We have probable cause. We can do pretty much whatever we want in this hallway right now and declare that it was done in the heat of the moment during the firefight.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Are you kidding me? The courts would never protect some cops who acted irresponsibly in the heat of the moment.

BRAD PITT

Fuck it. LEEEEROY JEEEEENKINS!

BRAD kicks in the DOOR, revealing the DARKEST APARTMENT in the HISTORY of FOREVER.

MORGAN FREEMAN

(turns on lights, somehow making the room darker)

My, this apartment's darker than the black pit at the center of society into which we unthinkingly toss the innocent.

BRAD PITT

Aw shit, more bucking fooks. Sorry. Fucking books.

MORGAN FREEMAN

(reading)

Goodness me, Kevin's an aspiring author as well as an avid bibliophile. Look. He's filled these tomes with Simple Plan lyrics and drawings of stick figures being stabbed labeled "Dad".

BRAD PITT

And he was the fucking photographer from earlier. See? He's got our picture here, right under all these snapshots of cobwebs and dead birds with "My soul" written on them.

MORGAN FREEMAN

My god. We're dealing with everyone's shitty goth cousin.

BRAD PITT

Maybe we should leave out some black eyeliner as bait.

They HIGH FIVE.

INT. POLICE STATION

Having blown through the KNIFE DILDO and SUPERMODEL-related sins, BRAD and MORGAN run out of ideas.

BRAD PITT

So, uh, you still retiring?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Sure am, partner. Gonna take my retirement money and start up that classy-casual Pan-Asian erotic bakery/scuba diving instruction outlet I've always dreamed about running. Yes sir, it's the simple life for me. Just selling rice-based phallus cakes and teaching well-dressed youngsters how to explore the deep all the live long day. I'm sick of chasing wild geese. I mean, it's not like Kevin Spacey's just going to waltz right into the police station and-

KEVIN SPACEY

(waltzing)

Hey Morgan.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Hey Kevin. Waltz into the police station and-

BRAD PITT

HOLY FUCKNUTS! EVERYONE PANIC! EVERYONE SCREAM AND PANIC RIGHT NOW!!

The police station LOSES ITS SHIT while everyone runs around like CHICKENS with their HEADS CUT OFF trying to arrest an UNARMED NEBBISH MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUY. Later, the GANG speaks to KEVIN'S LAWYER.

LAWYER

My client would like these two detectives to join him for a little car trip into a field. Otherwise he says his last two bodies will never be found.

BRAD PITT

I mean, we have enough fucking legal ammunition to get this guy extradited to the moon and back. Who gives a shit about two more bodies?

LAWYER

If you don't go along with this incredibly transparent scheme, my client will plead insanity across the board.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Which, if I may borrow a phrase from my foul-mouthed partner over here, will accomplish precisely jack and shit. Insanity isn't some instant Free Pass for committing crimes. Hannibal Lecter was found guilty by reason of insanity, if we put Kevin in one of those maximum security institutions I'll consider our job well done.

LAWYER

Pleeeease go with my client.

BRAD PITT

No.

LAWYER

Pleeeeease.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Ain't gonna happen, buddy.

But the lawyer HOLDS HIS BREATH and POUTS until they agree to go.

EXT. BOONIES

MORGAN FREEMAN

Well it seems like we've got some time to get to know each other on this here road trip. Perhaps we can all share a bit about ourselves? You first, Kevin.

KEVIN SPACEY

Fine. I'm super Christian and hate all of humanity.

MORGAN FREEMAN

You ever actually read the Bible, Kevin?

KEVIN SPACEY

The first half. I kind of lost interest when that "Jesus" guy showed up. Anyway, I decided that since sins are so common I needed to show people how common they are by committing a bunch of them. Fortunately I have unlimited money and the ability to teleport into secure buildings. People will follow my work for all time.

BRAD PITT

Yeah, I can already hear the song Marilyn Manson's going to write about you. So where the fuck are we going?

KEVIN SPACEY

Let's not get a-HEAD of ourselves.

MORGAN FREEMAN

(shooty fingers)

Aaaaayyyyy.

KEVIN SPACEY

(shooty fingers)

Aaaaayyyyyy.

They park the car and get out. A VAN shows up and drops off THE BOX (DUN DUN DUN!).

MORGAN FREEMAN

Hmm, what a dilemma. A package sent to the police by a crazy man. I should wait until the bomb squad gets here. But then again I only have one day til retirement. What could go wrong?

As MORGAN opens THE BOX (DUN DUN DUN!!!) KEVIN and BRAD have a CHAT.

KEVIN SPACEY

I admire you, Brad. You might say I'm a little obsessed. I found out you were following my case so I stalked you a teensy bit and saw you were banging Gwyneth Paltrow. Naturally I grew envious, because who WOULDN'T want to be married to the genius behind Country Strong? So I did the logical thing and chopped off her noggin and put it in a Christmas present and mailed it to this location and got REALLY lucky the driver didn't just take my cash and fuck off or get a flat tire or whatever. Anyway, you're Mr. Wrath and I'm Mr. Envy. Congrats.

BRAD PITT

Wait, how long have you known about me?

KEVIN SPACEY

Long enough.

BRAD PITT

I mean, did you have another "Wrath" and "Envy" murder planned and decide to drop them after you found out about me and my anger issues? Or did you know about me beforehand and just magically create a situation where I would get assigned to your case to create this wacky cat and mouse game?

KEVIN SPACEY

(looking into camera)

It was around this point I started to worry that my plan made no sense. Fortunately Morgan Freeman arrived to up the tension. Right...on...time....

MORGAN FREEMAN

Brad, you need to drop the gun.

BRAD PITT

Why?

KEVIN SPACEY

Yeah Morgan. Why? You worried he's going to...lose his HEAD?

BRAD PITT

Shut up.

KEVIN SPACEY

Brad might HEAD down a path of rash decisions?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Shut up.

KEVIN SPACEY

You don't want to HEAD-ge your bets. I might be NOGGIN on your door with some uncomfortable truths, but that's no reason to go HEAD to HEAD with me. You know my favorite actress?

BRAD PITT

(sighing)

HEAD-y Lamarr?

KEVIN SPACEY

You hit the nail on the HE-

BRAD pops KEVIN.

MORGAN FREEMAN

No Brad! You let him win! He was supposed to experience the unending hell that is the American legal system before he shuffled off this mortal coil! You've become the embodiment of wrath!

BRAD PITT

Fuck it. I'm gonna go start a Fight Club.

END