FADE IN:

INT. GRIMEY GYM – 1989 – SMALL DESERT TOWN, USA

KRISTEN STEWART

Welcome to the middle of nowhere. Relax and enjoy the neon signs and synth music throughout the film! But if you want a break from all that, come to my gym where it looks like we poured bacon grease over everything.

KATY O’BRIAN

My kind of place! Hi, I’m Katy and I’m buff as hell. I’m on my way to a female body building competition in Vegas. I’m so good in this role you’d think it was actually written for me.

KRISTEN STEWART

We should totally flirt with each other and hookup. But first, you want to take these steroids, that I, a total stranger, have for some reason? They’ll make your muscles balloon up like Popeye the Sailor!

KATY O’BRIAN

Yes. No further questions.

And so begins their relationship.

INT. RESTAURANT – SOME TIME LATER

KRISTEN and KATY meet KRISTEN’S sister, JENNA MALONE and her husband, DAVE FRANCO for dinner.

JENNA MALONE

It’s nice to see you sis. Please ignore the bruises on my face and cuts on Dave’s knuckles. Yep, he beats me, cheats on me, and is miserable prick, but I still love him. The bar for him is so low that it's in Hell.

KRISTEN STEWART

Stop beating my sister you piece of shit. Or I’ll show you real pain!

DAVE FRANCO

Looking at your haircut is painful enough. Also, not only will I not deny any of this, but I’ll tell you that I fucked Katy right before you met her. HA! Guess I have a "death by snu snu" fetish or something. And maybe so do you. Welp, better be off. It sure is fun being a King Kong-sized scumbag!

(walks away whistling)

KRISTEN STEWART

What the fuck, Katy? You and Dave? I get you sometimes like men, but THAT ONE? Ick!

KATY O’BRIAN

Look, I was broke, homeless, and hitchhiking across the country. He hooked me up with a job with your dad at the gun range. I’m sure I won’t learn any plot relevant skills there!

KRISTEN STEWART

My dad? The guy I cut off because his shady past? The guy who is the reason those FBI fuckers keep harassing me? What I’m saying is, every dude I’m related to is terrible and you need to stay away from them.

KATY O’BRIAN

Sure babe, will do. Hey, got any more ‘roids?

EXT. THE NEXT NEON/SYNTH DAY

They find out that JENNA was beaten into a COMA by DAVE.

KATY O’BRIAN

Oh no, my new girlfriend is distraught over seeing her sister in such dire condition. Domestic violence is no laughing matter, and what’s truly awful is that Dave will get away it because Jenna will never press charges or leave him. This is truly an upsetting situation for everyone involved and oh look my muscles are getting physically bigger, and crackling while doing so. I am quite literally hulking out right now. Huh, how about that?

KATY finds DAVE and KILLS HIM by repeatedly SMASHING THE FUCK OUT OF HIS FACE HOLY SHIT.

KRISTEN STEWART

So, for the second time in two days… WHAT THE FUCK KATY?

KATY O’BRIAN

(crying)

I don’t know, I wanted to give him a makeover. I thought he’d look better with his lower jaw separated from his face! You were right about those steroids. The audience saw it, they literally made me balloon up like Popeye!

KRISTEN STEWART

I know, I wasn’t exaggerating earlier. Okay, we need to get rid of the body. I've got it, we’ll drive out to the middle of the desert. Ahh yes, here we go, the ‘ole giant chasm where my father's victims are buried!

(pushes Dave and his car over the cliff)

KATY O’BRIAN

But your fingerprints are all over his car, wont this trace back to you?

KRISTEN STEWART

Hey whatdya know, I have a Molotov cocktail. Bye bye, evidence!

(incinerates Dave's car down below)

Now let’s make out in front of the smoldering chasm because it looks cool. Stick with me, babe, I know what I’m doing.

EXT. THE NEXT NEON/SYNTH DAY

KRISTEN talks with ED HARRIS.

ED HARRIS

You dumbass, what the fuck are you doing?

KRISTEN STEWART

Hello, father.

ED HARRIS

That I am, and a failure at that! At no point in my fatherly lessons on murder and disposal of bodies did I ever mention burning them in my favorite chasm. The smoke was seen for miles!

KRISTEN STEWART

Aha! I actually MEANT to do that so it would lead the police back to you! This is revenge for having me help kill your victims, and you killing my mother! And for later revealing that my mom was not murdered, she just didn't want to be a wife and mother anymore! Which is... understandable since her husband and kid were murderers.

Meanwhile, KATY slowly loses her MARBLES.

KATY O’BRIAN

I am very distraught over killing Dave, and now it seems that Kristen has locked me inside her apartment. Red flag alert? Who has locks on the outside of their doors? Oh look, steroids!

KATY does a fuckton of more steroids and hitchhikes to Las Vegas in a SPACE COWBOY VAN. Oddly, she is not harmed in any way and is brought right up to the competition without any detours or distractions.

KATY OBRIAN

(performing in front of the judges)

I’ve made it, and everything is going great! I hope I’m impressing the judges. They’re the folks behind the desk who are currently morphing into lizard people. Oh no, I’m in the middle of my performance and all of a sudden, I gotta puke! What’s coming out of me? Is it Kristen?

It’s TRUE. She VOMITS up a very slimey KRISTEN. She maaayyyyy be TRIPPING BALLS.

KATY O’BRIEN

The fuck?! What’s happening? Bad waves of madness, paranoia, fear and loathing. Also, I fear the other contestants are calling me fat.

PUKED UP HALLUCINATION KRISTEN

Or you’re just hallucinating from of all the steroids. As your attorney, maybe you should stop?

KATY O’BRIAN

We can’t stop here, this is fat country!

KATY RAGE QUITS the competition and BEATS THE HELL out of the other contestants (who may never have called her fat in the first place, we don't know.) She is then arrested and bailed out by ED.

KATY O’BRIAN

Thanks for coming. I don’t know what happened, I guess my quest for physical perfection turned out to be my greatest detriment-

ED HARRIS

I really don't give a shit. Now, here’s a gun, go kill Anna Baryshnikov. She's a weird meth sugar addict who obsesses over Kristen.

KATY O’BRIAN

Oh, because she was a witness to our crime and could lead the police back to all of us?

ED HARRIS

Well yes, but more importantly, with Kristen’s hair and Anna’s rotten teeth, they make one hideous couple.

INT. KRISTEN’S APARTMENT

ANNA BARYSHNIKOV

I’m so happy you’ve finally decided to be with me after I’ve been creepily crushing on you for so long. Gosh, I feel like dancing and twirling and-

KRISTEN STEWART

Knock it off, Baryshnikov. What do you want? Please tell me it’s a recommendation for a good dentist.

ANNA BARYSHNIKOV

I’m here to blackmail you into dating me so I wont tell the police I saw you and Katy in Franco’s car the other night. Also, when Katy calls, I’ll make her think I stole her girl, causing her to go into a jealous rage! Urk!

KATY shoots ANNA THROUGH THE FUCKING FACE and somehow does not harm KRISTEN who’s standing right in front of her.

KRISTEN STEWART

You really have a thing against faces don’t you? Welp, instead of screaming “what the fuck” again, I would like to acknowledge the one good thing my father taught us about home décor. Always have ample supply of body-hiding rugs!

KRISTEN puts ANNA’s body in the back of her truck. Meanwhile, after believing KRISTEN betrayed her, KATY finds a payphone and calls some LITTLE BOY.

BOY

(over the phone)

Gee Wiz Katy, it’s good to hear from you! We sure miss you around here since this woman, whom I assume is our mother, banned you from our home.

KATY O'BRIAN

OoOoOh maybe this is where we find out some tragic backstory about me? Maybe I have a violent history? Maybe I fucked up peoples' faces back home?

BOY

Or maybe this goes nowhere and we learn nothing about you. So, any parting words?

KATY O'BRIAN

Yes.

(through tears)

Never fall in love, okay? It hurts!

BOY

The fuck does love have to do with anything? Maybe don’t take magical German steroids! Ever think of that, meathead?

KATY O'BRIAN

IT’S A METAPHOR YOU LITTLE SHIT!

(conked over the head by Ed)

INT. ED’S EVIL DESERT LAIR

ED hogties KATY.

ED HARRIS

Sorry kid, had to take you hostage before I call my ingrate daughter. Now watch me eat this large exotic beetle for no reason other than the fact that I'm evil and weird!

ED leaves to order more bugs probably. KRISTIN finds KATY and unties her, but then KATY pulls out a gun!

KATY O'BRIAN

I WISH I NEVER MET YOU! Oh, the tragedy and pain of our love story! I know the K-Stew hate train ended 10 years ago but I’m bring it back and making myself captain. You suck!

KRISTEN STEWART

Bullshit! This is the probably the best acting you've ever seen from me! Also, I love you, not Anna. Yes, I slept with her. Yes, I had to deal with her halitosis. Yes, I probably have a UTI now, but I did it all for you! To keep you safe!

KATY

Aww..

(tearing up)

Okay we’re back in love again!

But then, ED appears and shoots KRISTEN in the leg.

ED HARRIS

The end is nigh! I will kill you, daughter! You failed to remember one important thing. Don't fuck with anyone who has a skullet! Also, fair warning, it’s about to get trippy here folks, so please bear with us.

In her anger, KATY'S muscles do the Popeye thing again, but this time, she grows to the size of a house and pins ED to the ground!

YES, REALLY.

KRISTEN STEWART

Woooow! What does this mean? Is this is metaphor for reaching peak physical form?

KATY O'BRIAN

Maybe! All I know is, I've completed my Pokemon evolution by becoming my favorite character, Gulliver from Gulliver's Travels! Did you get that slight reference in the beginning of the movie? Eh, probably not. Either way, it's time to pulverize Ed into smithereens! Or rip all of his limbs off!

KRISTEN STEWART

Nah, let's just leave him here. I ratted on him to the FBI and they're on their way now. But to make things less boring, we'll continue the dream sequences!

KRISTEN and KATY are now both 1000 feet tall and run through clouds and stars and everything is sparkly and dream-like.

KATY O'BRIAN

Yeah, it's a metaphor for love! Or something!

INT. KRISTEN'S TRUCK - SOME OTHER PART OF THE DESERT

KRISTEN and KATY are on the run. ANNA'S body is still in the truck bed, and is now moving around.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oops, better go take care of her. How the hell she survived a bullet through the face is beyond me.

(kills ANNA)

KATY O'BRIAN

Welp, this is our life now, and we've left the audience in a state of mild unease and confusion. But what does it all mean?

KRISTEN STEWART

That love is tumultuous? I dunno, use your imagination! Some people might take this as a solid B movie anyway. The good news is that we can start a new life without any drama.

KATY O'BRIAN

You forgot one thing. I just quit steroids cold turkey.

KRISTEN STEWART

Fuck.

END