FADE IN:

EXT. A RANCH, MONTANA - 1925

Someone loudly tunes their GUITAR as a group of COWBOYS do COWBOY THINGS. Eventually we focus on BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, who strides chapfully into the RANCH HOUSE and takes the steps five at a time, loudly clanging his SPURS against his big swinging DICK.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

You in here fatso? Whatcha doing, you big fatty fatpants?

JESSE PLEMONS

Love you too, brother. I'm having a bath, you should try it some year.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Fuck that! I stay grimy and dirty like a real tough rugged macho cowboy does. I'm mean and ornery and my American accent can split wood. Now help me move the fucking herd you useless sack of shit.

JESSE PLEMONS

Okay.

They move the herd while avoiding a dead cow with ANTHRAX!!!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

NOBODY GO NEAR THE ANTHRAX EVERYONE GOT THAT? IT IS SUPER DEADLY SHIT AND EVEN THE SLIGHTEST CONTAMINATION WILL FUCK YOU DEAD well why am I even bothering to explain, everyone here surely understands the hazards of dealing with livestock. But then again, we are big tough macho manly men who laugh at danger so

(licks pile of cow feces)

INT. KIRSTEN DUNST'S RESTAURANT & HOTEL

After their long hard herd-moving day, everyone goes to KIRSTEN'S establishment for dinner, operated by herself and her son KODI SMIT-MCPHEE.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

A toast to my mentor, Bronco Henry! The machoiest cowboy who ever machoed his way to machodom!

(guzzles turpentine)

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Hello, I'll be your waiter this evening. Please note the special delicate paper flowers I made for this evening, I'm sure everyone here is comfortable with stepping slightly outside the rigidly defined gender norms of our time-

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(shits directly on table)

(wipes ass with paper flowers)

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Right. If you need me I'll be outside hula-hooping in shame.

JESSE PLEMONS

My word you're a right dick Benny. You all head over to the whorehouse while I sidle up to, ah I mean, settle up with Kirsten.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Fucking right, we'll all head over to the whorehouse, me included, and do all kinds of Sam-Elliott-approved heteronormative whoring, yessir. Especially yours ruggedly. Yep.

JESSE consoles KIRSTEN while BENEDICT drinks a bunch and goes to bed, but only after INSULTING the bed for being a DUMB STUPID LILY-LIVERED BED TOO SOFT TO CALL ITSELF A REAL BED, WHAT KIND OF FAT-ASS BED WOULD ZZZZzzzzzz

EXT. RANCH - PART II OF OUR MERRY TALE

COWBOYS continue to do COWBOY STUFF while BENEDICT wanders over to stare meaningfully at some hills.

COWBOY

Gosh Benny, do you really see something out there?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Yes indeed. But to see it you have to be a real down-to-Earth earthy man of Earth who never bathes like me. Only my ascended next-level awareness allows me to perceive new patterns in such commonplace natural objects.

OTHER COWBOY

That cloud looks like a horsey!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Fuck you.

After work BENEDICT lies chapfully in bed PLUCKING HIS BANJO (no, but literally) until JESSE gets home late.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Oh and where've YOU been? I suppose you took your fat ass over to Kirsten and her unrugged womanly ass and compared asses or whatever.

JESSE PLEMONS

I did that yes.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Dammit!! I'll just have to do the mature, emotionally developed thing and tell on you to Mom, so there!!

(begins writing letter)

JESSE PLEMONS

Oh good! You can also mention that Kirsten and I are already married.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Oh FUCK OFF. I am VERY uneasy about this! Turn on the Netflix closed captioning if you don't believe me, UNEASY MUSIC is PLAYING!

(storms out, uneasily)

INT. RANCH HOUSE - SOME DAYS LATER - PART III

JESSE brings new wife KIRSTEN to their marital home.

JESSE PLEMONS

Your troubles are over, my dear. Enjoy your new tranquil, secure, worry-free life oh also I invited the Governor for dinner and said you'd play piano for us like a trained monkey and my political ambitions all hinge on this so no pressure!

(grins)

KIRSTEN DUNST

(wooden smile)

Did you say...

(left eye twitches at 250 rpm)

(glass in hand shatters)

...piano?

JESSE PLEMONS

Hahaha it'll be great. Now I know you're worried about Benedict, but now that we're married I'm sure he'll come around and-

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(enters, chappily)

FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

(shits on floor)

KIRSTEN DUNST

(crystal vase in hand shatters)

BENEDICT stomps upstairs and goes to bed after switching to his overnight chaps and boots, only to be kept awake by the sounds of JESSE and KIRSTEN GETTIN' BIZZZAAYYYY AW YYYEAH

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(fleeing house)

UNEASY MUSIC PLAYING

BENEDICT heads into the barn and tries to relieve the pressure with some good old STROKING THE SADDLE (no, but literally).

INT. FARM HOUSE - A FEW DAYS LATER

JESSE decides to demonstrate to KIRSTEN that he really is fine-tuned to her needs and all about the accepting and supportive spouse life.

JESSE PLEMONS

I know you've been nervous about fitting in here but I have a surprise! You are gonna love this...

KIRSTEN DUNST

(furiously grinding teeth)

don't u fucking do it

JESSE PLEMONS

...it's a BABY GRAND PIANO YAAAAY!!

KIRSTEN DUNST

(full-length ornate mirror shatters in hand)

The PIANO is brought in and so KIRSTEN steels herself and sets to practicing.

KIRSTEN DUNST

(playing)

Dah dah, dum... dah, dah dum... dah dah, dum, dum... dum...

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(playing banjo upstairs)

Da da dum, da da dum, da da dum dum dum

KIRSTEN DUNST

(under breath)

Asshole....

(playing)

Dah dah dum... dah dah, dum... daaah...

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(rage-playing banjo with a fury that would make Steve Martin's face melt)

DA DA DUM, DA DA DUM, DA DA DUM DUM DUM

KIRSTEN DUNST

Dah... dah dum...

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(angrily playing Beethoven's 5th on harmonica)

FVZ FVZ FVZ FVVVFFVVFFFFFVVVV

KIRSTEN DUNST

Dah...

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(savagely interpreting Bach's Concerto for Two Violins on washboard)

SSHKKHHSSKKSHSHKSHSSKSKKKSHSHSKKKHSSHSSHHHKKKKKKKKKKKK

KIRSTEN DUNST

OH FUCK YOU I ONLY EVER PLAYED MOVIE MUSIC, ANY FUCKWIT CAN DO THAT, NOT LIKE I EVER CLAIMED TO HAVE SKILL

FILM COMPOSER JONNY GREENWOOD

(frowns)

Eventually it is the night of the BIG DINNER!! All the distinguished guests arrive including BENEDICT and JESSE'S PARENTS, the GOVERNOR and his WIFE, a MOVIE STAR, the PROFESSOR, and MARY ANNE!

GOVERNOR

Well well, this is quite the ranch you have here. And Benny is a Yale graduate I believe? Yes you certainly have all the makings of people who could go far in politics, assuming that is...

(dramatic pause)

...that ONE of you...

(points outstretched arm at Kirsten)

...can PLAY.... THE PIANO!!!

(thunder!)

(lightning strike!)

KIRSTEN DUNST

(full-scale glass model of Michelangelo's David shatters in hand)

JESSE PLEMONS

(donning ringmaster hat, jacket)

Hahaha why of course, she'd be delighted. AND NOW, ladies and gentlemen, in the CENTRE RING!! It's KIRSTEN, the DANCING PONY!!

KIRSTEN nervously sits at the PIANO and manages to get almost, but not quite, TWO CHORDS in before crumbling in a pile of nerves because HEY GUESS WHAT JESSE SHE REALLY DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS YOU TOTAL CLOD.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(entering)

HOWDY HOWDY HOWDY

(grins)

Sorry I'm late, I had to smear extra feces all over my body.

(shits on piano)

GOVERNOR

Well I think we've seen... quite enough. It's been an... interesting evening. Enjoy the ruins of your hopes and dreams, Jesse.

JESSE PLEMONS

(sad trombone noise)

KIRSTEN DUNST

(grabbing drink)

UNEASY MUSIC PLAYING

KIRSTEN quaffs her drink RATHER FAST INDEED which might be a subtle hint that trouble might lie in store, if she continues along this path-

INT. RANCH HOUSE - SUMMERTIME - PART IV, SPECIFICALLY THE I.V. OF BOOZE PERMANENTLY PLUGGED INTO KIRSTEN'S VEINS

KIRSTEN stashes a BOTTLE OF HOOCH while knocking back a QUART OF BOURBON while bathing in WOOD ALCOHOL.

KIRSTEN DUNST

That escalated quickly.

(burps)

Outside, KODI has arrived from school and watches COWBOYS do MORE COWBOY THINGS.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Now to castrate this bull with my BARE HANDS! And a knife I guess.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

(taking notes)

Bare... hands. Hmmm.

BENNY and the CHAPS commence taunting and jeering at KODI so he retreats to his room to CARVE UP SOME BUNNIES (no, but literally, it's for anatomy class).

EXT. SUN-DRENCHED CREEK - SPEAKING OF ANATOMY CLASS

It is CREEK TIME! All the young hunky COWBOYS strip off their clothes and begin cavorting nakedly, striking manly poses, glistening in the sun, etcetera.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

UNEASY MUSIC PLAYING

(dashes off)

Instead BENEDICT retreats to his private secret spot to spend some QUALITY TIME with BRONCO HENRY'S OLD MUSTY HANDKERCHIEF that he keeps jammed down his GRIMY PANTS all day and must have quite the FRAGANCE by now.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Oh hey! Just wondering if I could invade your personal space, both literally and psychologically? I was rummaging through your Deepest Desires Closet over there and thought, y'know what, maybe it'd be fun if we went inside that closet and then came out together? I dunno if you'd be into that...

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Or how about you FUCK THE HELL OFF YOU DUMB STUPID FUCKING GODDAMN FUCKITY FUCK

(rages)

EXT. COWBOY CAMP - PART V

Later on, KIRSTEN and KODI stop by the COWBOY CAMP where the COWBOYS are taking a break from all the COWBOY CAMP.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Kid, I think we got off on the wrong foot. Let's start over.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Well since our last moment together was you yelling and trying to murder me, I agree to this.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I'm gonna teach you everything about being a real cowboy. How to ride a horse, how to wear chaps in the shower, how to make silky rope from your bare hands (no, but literally), how to say "pinano" instead of "piano". But first, observe this magnificent landscape!

(points)

Not everyone can see what I see in this-

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

What like the shadow that looks like a dog?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(gasps)

WHAAAA?!? You have THE POWER OF seeing THE DOG??!??

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Sure. I mean earlier it was shown more on an angle which made it trickier, but now that we're looking head-on it's pretty plain to see.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(pause)

Okay fine but ALSO if you cross your eyes JUST RIGHT you can see a 3D dolphin and I bet you can't do that SO THERE.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

(squinting)

Hmmm, oh yeah there it is. And wait a sec, up in the corner I think I see Toni Collette crouched on the ceiling waiting to-

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

NOPE NOPE NOPE

(runs away)

They move on and continue doing OPEN RANGE COWBOY STUFF.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Next you need to help me with this pile of large sturdy thick wooden rods. I find it helps if you ride the shaft a bit and grind them manfully.

(does pole dance)

SAM ELLIOTT

(doing the Beautiful Mind calculations meme)

Waaaaaaaiiiiiit a second.....

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Hey a rabbit ran under the pile! Let's jerk off these logs until we find it OW OW OW oh dear I seem to have a splinter.

(gushes blood into the next state)

Har, well that's just part of being a macho, macho man.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

(taking notes)

Open wound... on hand. Hmmm.

EXT. BACK AT THE RANCH

Meanwhile, KIRSTEN keeps herself busy scavenging the entire property for any last drops of BOOZE.

KIRSTEN DUNST

Shit I might have finally drunk this place dry. Maybe if I squeeze these cowhides enough, Bailey's comes out??

THOMASIN MCKENZIE FROM JOJO RABBIT WHO YOU MIGHT THINK WOULD HAVE MORE TO DO

Oh please don't ma'am, those are Benedict's personal hides. He insists they not be touched until he gets round to burning them for no reason. We have a betting pool on the precise psychological trauma that's behind this, if you want to join up...

KIRSTEN DUNST

No that's fine... but I have an idea.

KIRSTEN trades every single HIDE on the ranch to the SHOSHONE TRIBE in exchange for some really nice decorated GLOVES.

KIRSTEN DUNST

That's better.

(crams gloves into cocktail shaker)

(adds ice)

(shakes furiously)

oh yeah gimme them sweet sweet dyes...

Upon his return BENEDICT is unsurprisingly RATHER UPSET about the lack of HIDES and engages in much MEGADICKERY on the subject.

JESSE PLEMONS

Well, here's the thing about that, Benny. What I mean to say is, not to try and mince any words but with all due brotherly respect, go choke on your own shit.

(walks away)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(blinks)

Uh... you're fat?

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Don't worry Benny. I've got some rawhide that I just sort of found one day, don't think about where I got it. You can use that to finish my rope.

(puts on hazmat suit)

(fishes rawhide from lead container with tongs)

(offers to Benedict)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

You GOT it!

(grabs hide with tongue)

INT. THE BARN - THAT NIGHT

BENEDICT prepares to finish the rope and sets the mood with some candles, rose petals, promo cards of Sam Elliott in Road House, etc.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Right, here goes. Let's just remove these pesky bandages and some epidural layers so I can really get my hands all over this rawhide...

(elongating rope)

I guess I never told you how Bronco Henry saved my life. He pushed me out of the way of a runaway stagecoach and then we had to sleep naked together for warmth, it was a matter of survival you understand.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Why would a runaway stagecoach mean you had to-

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I DUNNO IT WAS CARRYING ICE OR SOMETHING SHEESH anyway here's your rope. Phew, little bit winded. I'm just gonna sit down a minute

(vomits up spleen)

(bleeds from everywhere)

(collapses)

Well fuck me.

(dead)

INT. FUNERAL HOME

BENEDICT is buried in his FANCY CITY SUIT as a final FUCK YOU from the rest of the family.

JESSE PLEMONS

I don't understand. He was still in his prime of being a total asshole to everyone on Earth.

DOCTOR

Well, if I didn't know better I'd say it was... ANTHRAX WHAAAAAAT

(mugs to camera)

JESSE PLEMONS

(pause)

Are you suggesting someone came here with no knowledge of ranching whatsoever, learned to ride, roamed the countryside for a cow that died of anthrax, found one, brought its hide back and kept it secret, brainwashed Benedict to retroactively never wear gloves at work, acquired special splinter-rich wooden poles, trained a rabbit to lure Benedict to them and taunt him to throw the poles around bare-handed, planted a hypnotic suggestion in Kirsten to get rid of all the cowhides, and timed this whole plan to coincide with when Benedict was JUST STARTING a new rope he could promise to someone else?

DOCTOR

(thinks)

Yeah that's ridiculous, he was probably kicked by a horse or something.

INT. RANCH HOUSE

KODI plays a bit with... THE DOG and then goes inside.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Now for the final phase of my intricate plan--justifying the title.

(opens Bible)

"And Jesus said unto them, verily, you can drive my car." Wait that's not it.

(searches more)

"And Abraham heard the voice of God saying, what do you think you're DUNE?" Um, no...

(keeps searching)

"And she said unto King Richard, don't look up, nor eat any licorice pizza, lest a nightmare alley unleash Belfast upon thee. And yea, this was the CODA to their West Side Story (2021)" OH COME ON THAT DIDN'T EVEN MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE DAMMIT

END