"This planet uses abs for money, did anyone bring any abs? We'll need at least five, if not a six-pack of abs to get the supplies we need."

REBEL MOON: PART ONE - A CHILD OF FIRE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. DEEP SPACE

CUE: GENERIC CHORAL DOOM-VOCALIZING

A giant SPACESHIP opens a SPACE VAGINA PORTAL because THIS universe is TOO HARDCORE for any lameoid MCU-style glowy hexagons.

ANTHONY HOPKINS (V/O)

...are we recording? Yes? Do you need a test run or...

(distant mumbling)

I’ll just get started then.

(clears throat)

Once upon a time there was the Motherworld, where the bad guys are from. It might be in your future or past or an alternate universe, no-one knows. For thousands of years they had Kings and Queens but the most recent King and Queen were assassinated, so now the military is zooming around killing folks, reign of terror etc. In particular this self-styled Empire is looking to eliminate anyone who calls themselves... oh and I see this is bold and underlined so let’s add some extra Hopkins Sauce here... RRRREBEL.

(pause)

Good? Okay let’s do my robot lines so I can fuck off home already.

We PAN DOWN onto the surface of a MOON. Is it a REBEL MOON?!? We shall see!

EXT. MOON OF AS-YET-UNDECLARED STATUS

Regular ordinary sweat-glistening farmstress SOFIA BOUTELLA plows a field illuminated by a GIANT SATURN SCREENSAVER, after which she heads over to her village’s town hall where community leader COREY STOLL has glued a giant BEARD to his face, hoping nobody links him to QUANTUMANIA.

COREY STOLL

I hereby declare this year’s Fuck Festival open! Now it is the time of fucking! Everybody fuck! Aw yeah this ain’t your grandparents’ Star Wars! Mostly because we’re actually gonna do the Seven Samurai but in space. Let the fucking commence!

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Yeesh. I mean the farming here’s fun and all but I wish I’d picked a less cringy moon to hide out from my, ah, TOTALLY BORING NORMAL BACKSTORY did everyone hear that phew.

However an EVIL SPACESHIP lands next to the town and SPACE NAZIS emerge, NAZILY!

ACTUALLY REGULAR FARMER MICHIEL HUISMAN

Y’know maybe these guys aren’t so bad, I think we should engage them in the marketplace of ideas. I mean, grain.

HEAD BADDIE ED SKREIN

Hey now we're not JUST Space Nazis, we also all have Roman Empire names because

(extended jerkoff motion)

(mimes spooging on everything)

(pretends to clean up)

We're searching for the notorious rebel leaders Bart and Lisa Bloodaxe, lol can you imagine if they were dentists or something with that last name. Anyway it’s been a long search so we need all your extra food. And you can go ahead and remove the word “extra” while you’re at it.

COREY STOLL

Don't listen to Michiel, we barely have any food! We derive all our nourishment from eating each other out. You see, we are a Fuck Society, and-

ED SKREIN

SILENCE! Trade Federation Priests, fetch me my Negan Stick!

(goopifies Corey's head)

Your next harvest belongs to me! I shall be back to claim it in... oh let's see, how long would it take to round up a half-dozen or so rogue fighters to defend you... TEN WEEKS! I shall leave behind my very finest Rapemurder Squad to make sure everyone is too terrorized and abused to actually do any work.

(flies away)

ANTHONY ROBOTKINS

And me! I'm a non-combatant robot full of lore and worldbuilding bullshit because every adventure needs a good sit-down with Supplemental Sourcebook A-H. So yes, remember the assassinated King and Queen, who were assassinated? Well, they were King and Queen and they were assassinated. And this random villager reminds me of their daughter who also died OR SO WE BELIEVE, anyhoo let me regale you with tales of

PRIVATE WORST CLASS ASSHOLE MCRAPIST

SHUT UP SHUT UP we need to start raping and fucking things up already!! Fuck this building! Fuck this clean water! Now let's compete to see who can deliver the most ick-inducing rape dialogue before viewers press the "plus 10 seconds" button to skip ahead to the inevitable slo-mo action.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Oh hey, someone say slo-mo?

SOFIA goes FULL RIVER TAM on the RAPEMURDER SQUAD, although the FINAL BLOW is dealt by ANTHONY!

ANTHONY ROBOTKINS

Seems that I am willing to fight for this place after all, guess I'm now part of your band of heroes oh wait it's time for my afternoon nap

(fucks off)

The ENTIRE VILLAGE who had all been patiently waiting around the corner receive their CUE and walk orderly into the shot, AGHAST!

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Welp guess the jig's up. I'm not just some random loner, but former Royal Guard and badass fighter and military genius with heaps of Gamora/Conan-esque backstory, you know the drill. I'm going to go round up a team of fighters, maybe pick up an army, a space fleet, whatevs.

OLD DUDE

In that case maybe you'll want your ornate blastergun, that I found when you crash-landed here and have been sitting on just to be an asshole.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Thanks! All the detailing really helps it shoot laser blasts.

MICHIEL HUISMAN

Can I come too? I've been told I look good on camera and stuff.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

(shrugs)

EXT. BOOK OF BOBA FETT B-ROLL FOOTAGE

SOFIA and MICHIEL ride into town to meet a CONTACT who knows the whereabouts of the BLOODAXES, but get there just in time to see the contact CAPTURED!

MICHIEL HUISMAN

Fuck, that contact was our only lead to the Bloodaxes! All he told me before was what planet they're on and who's hiding them, god DAMMIT!

SOFIA BOUTELLA

You're right that's total shit info, we'd better check that bar in case someone knows something actually useful. At minimum there should be lots of zany alien creature designs.

They enter the SALOON and SOFIA pops her CLOAK HOOD all dramatic-like.

FAT UGLY ALIEN

Helloooo I'd like to buy Michiel to have sex with, because I am a homosexual, you see. I can pay you entirely with regressive stereotyping since my characterization was teleported here directly from queerphobic 1980s studio comedies.

ASSORTED GENDERFLUID SEX WORKERS

(glimpsed in background)

Oh but don't anyone worry about this scene having the only LGBTQ representation in the entire film, I'm sure we'll all get suuuuuper rich backstories in a supplementary comic book somewhere.

(roll eyes)

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Fuck you creep!

(beats up alien)

(smashes half of bar)

BAR OWNERSHIP

(unconcerned)

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Anyway if we can't find the Bloodaxes there's a legendary general I know of, anyone know about that?

MIND PARASITE ALIEN

(releasing President Bill Pullman)

Why as it happens, I do! That general is at the Arena on the planet Pollux.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Excellent, we know a vague area on a planet to go to, unlike the Bloodaxes where we only know a vague area on a planet! Let's go!

(pause)

Though I guess we should have a shootout or whatever first.

There is, obligingly enough, a SHOOTOUT and SOFIA is almost fragged by FAT UGLY ALIEN except she's saved by... CHARLIE HUNNAM WHAAAA?!?

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Faith and beggorah! Ye'd be looking t' skip off t' Pollux, and I've got a ship, the Lucky Charm! Top o' the morrning!

SOFIA BOUTELLA

The fuck? Are you from the same Ireland that David Boreanaz's Angel is from?

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Aye, even though we have tons of alien languages, we're also scattering around every possible accent from Earth just because. Now let's find ye pot o' gold!

Meanwhile ED SKREIN is busy doing some kind of HENTAI MATRIX BRIEFING or whatever but let's stick with our plucky band of heroes.

EXT. FIREFLY B-ROLL FOOTAGE

Our heroes land on a ranching planet where STAZ NAIR is being held prisoner by WATTO.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

(popping hood)

Hello there! We're looking for hot people who glisten well, give us Staz please.

WATTO

Not so fast, you must gamble for him! Since I'm out of probability cubes, here is the wager: if Staz can do an entire aerial-montage How To Train Your Avatar sequence without the audience getting bored and skipping ahead, you win!

SOFIA BOUTELLA

We'll take that bet! Audience, just go refill your drinks without bothering to pause, and we can win on a technicality!

WATTO

CURSE YOUUUUU

STAZ tames a GRYPHONY-DRAGONY-BEASTIE using a BIG SLO-MO JUMP and wins his freedom! Ten seconds later the BEASTIE decides to STOMP & CHOMP WATTO and nobody cares, implying our heroes could have just landed and immediately shot WATTO in the face, thus saving a lot of everyone's time.

EXT. ALTERED CARBON B-ROLL FOOTAGE

With the deadline still weeks away, our heroes decide to visit a NEW PLANET and take another random card from the CHARACTER DECK since they still have some free slots. They draw BAE DOONA!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Hey Doona. This version's been trimmed down from the original Way Too Fucking Long Cut, so we don't have a lot of time to introduce your character.

BAE DOONA

How about a lengthy shot of me staring at nothing in an elevator?

ZACK SNYDER

Perfect! Now you fight a Borg-Queen-Spider-creature who'll get LOTS of backstory and not even survive this scene OKAY GO

BAE DOONA

(sighs)

They FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT and trade SERIOUS WOUNDS while everyone else literally STANDS AND STARES with their thumbs FIRMLY WEDGED RIGHT UP THEIR ASS not offering one iota of HELP to the person they're asking instant loyalty from. Finally DOONA activates her LIGHTSABRES and WINS!

SOFIA BOUTELLA

(moving game board pieces)

...okay so I use the energy terrain to advance my tech track to the synergy boost and use that to advance my Rover track and use the 5 movement to get these meteorites and OH HEY SHE'S DONE! Congrats on making the team, next location please!

INT. ON BOARD THE S.S. HUNNAM

The team stands around, swaying gently back and forth, waiting for player input.

MICHIEL HUISMAN

Shit, no action's happening, you'd better launch into some more convoluted backstory.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Gotcha! Well back when I was a Space Sucker-Punch Roman Nazi (or SSPURN), I was top of my class in BOTH Evil Short Hair AND Ignoring Laser Fire. And did I mention we did lots of fucking BECAUSE AW YEAH WE SURE DID

(electric guitar riff)

Anyhoo I was promoted to elite bodyguard of the Princess WHO'S ALSO SUPPOSEDLY DEAD BUT HMMMMMM I WONDER and she had magical healing powers because that's pretty much the only dead-horse trope we're missing at this point.

EXT. HBO'S ROME B-ROLL FOOTAGE

Our intrepid band lands on POLLUX to find GENERAL TITUS who sadly is not GENERAL TITUS ANDROMEDON FROM KIMMI SCHMIDT because that would be TOO AWESOME. Instead it is DJIMON HOUNSOU.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

(drunkenly)

Blergh, leave me alone, I'm too drunk and slovenly and washed-up and I don't care about anything anymore, barf puke VERY WELL YOUR NOBLE CAUSE HAS CONVINCED ME LET US LEAGUE TOGETHER FOR JUSTICE AS SOME KIND OF, I DUNNO, FAIRNESS SQUAD

SOFIA BOUTELLA

(blinks)

At least let me convince you first?

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Yeah I looked at that scene and decided it was better to just skip it. So where next?

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Now to find the Bloodaxes, using the information we earlier decided was bullshit but now allows us to find them with pinpoint accuracy. After all every planet and/or moon is just one soundstage with some AI scenery slapped on behind it, so finding people is actually pretty damned easy it turns out.

EXT. HOME PLANET OF KING LEVITICA, WHICH IS TOTES REBEL BUT WHETHER ITS MOONS SHARE THAT SENTIMENT IS, SO FAR, A MYSTERY

The crew LAND and are greeted by the local CALAMARI ALIENS.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

(popping hood)

Greetings squidfolk! One rebel army please.

MICHIEL HUISMAN

Hey look it's the Bloodaxes, played tonight by Ray Fisher and Cleopatra Coleman! I know you're busy fighting a galactic rebellion and all, but any chance we could convince you to duck out for a probably-suicidal mission for our tiny remote farming community?

RAY FISHER

I ACCEPT! How about it troops? Who's willing to risk their lives for this handful of random assholes who just wandered up?!?

EASILY-SWAYED SUBSET OF REBEL TROOPS

We'd never heard of them three minutes ago so HELLS YES!! TO THE DEATH!

CLEOPATRA COLEMAN

Um this is bullshit. I'm gonna stay here with our non-idiotic troops, and try not to derail our entire campaign over a random side quest that just popped up. But yeah, go knock yourself out I guess.

RAY FISHER

And so we shall! Come, let us take the fight to the Empire's mighty flagship, The King's Gaze! And if you're watching without subtitles that's G-A-Z-E, the SSPURN army runs on a strict "Don't Ask Don't Tell Don't Exist" policy. Even though I admit some of our lines are a lot more fun if you hear it the other way.

STAZ NAIR

Are you sure we can withstand the naked ferocity of the King's Gaze?!? Stouter fighters than us have been brought to their shapely knees by the King's Gaze!! Why, when I think of everything the King's Gaze might do to my helpless, glistening body I just-

ASSORTED GENDERFLUID SEX WORKERS

(glimpsed in background)

OKAY YES WE GET IT sheesh

(roll eyes)

And so, finally, the quota of SAMURRIFIC MAGNIFICENCE is achieved!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Ah can I just say, it feels great to be a good guy! To clarify, yes I used to be a dishonourable scoundrel who'd sell anyone out for a quick buck, but that was BEFORE. Now I'm totes on the hero side, a complete Han Solo arc, yep! To summarize, honour honour honour, good good good.

(wide grin)

Oh also before we go fight the bad guys we just need to make one extra stop for me to deliver some, ah, cargo. I mean it would suck if we're in the middle of an intergalactic space battle and we have to pause everything to settle an invoice or some shit.

EXT. ANDOR B-ROLL FOOTAGE

Our heroes land at the DOCKS and everyone helps unload some innocuous grey boxes, but suddenly THE KING'S GAZE appears and opens fire! Most of RAY'S FLEET gets BLASTED and the boxes suddenly SPRING TO LIFE because they are GRABBY-CATCHY ROBOTS!! Within seconds ALL OUR HEROES are CAPTURED, even the ones who had time to see the others get caught!

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Ah whoops yes I'm actually evil! I realized I could get a huge bounty by turning you all in together, even people like Staz where I knew exactly where they were all along and could have cashed in that bounty ages ago. Staz is still here right?

BAE DOONA

Yeah even though none of us have had shit to do since being introduced, we're all still here.

ED SKREIN

(entering)

Nyah ha ha, thank you Charlie for letting us jump ahead to the final showdown and not have to slog through any "training the villagers" montage. Now, since we've had only the briefest of introductions to any of these characters, allow me to give those exact same brief introductions ALL OVER AGAIN. Yep, no way could THIS monologue have been cut for time!

STAZ NAIR

(struggling)

...Could we add maybe one more detail for everyone? Throw us a bone here...

ED SKREIN

Ugh fine, everyone's motivation for everything is that their entire family/village/planet was mercilessly slaughtered, HAPPY NOW?!?

(gloats)

Obviously shooting our captives immediately is too good for them, etc, but! I do have this ridiculously convoluted nailgun-thingie, that requires eleven separate steps of ratcheting to fire even once! Michiel, you shall use it to paralyze Sofia!

MICHIEL HUISMAN

Any reason you don't do it?

ED SKREIN

Because then I wouldn't be handing a weapon to the enemy at a crucial moment, DUH.

MICHIEL takes the nailgun and plugs it into SOFIA'S robot... but then removes it and kills CHARLIE instead! This also frees SOFIA!

ED SKREIN

Oh shit she's free! Quick guards, shoot 400 laserbolts in her direction, something should hit. And I guess kill all the other captured heroes while they're still trapped.

GUARDS

(roll natural 1)

(stumble over own ass)

(shoot every damn where except targets)

SOFIA retrieves her ORNATE SPECIAL GUN and shoots lots of GUARDS and SPACE PROPANE TANKS! This allows MICHIEL to rescue everyone else so that they can start MELEE FIGHTING in the middle of a CONTINUOUS BARRAGE OF LASER BLASTS which might as well be PATIO LANTERNS for all anyone seems to care!

RAY FISHER

Oh no, the King's Gaze just fragged our few remaining fighter ships! But wait a sec... over here, there's a five-foot metal pole! I've got an idea!

RAY proceeds to RUN RIGHT THROUGH the enemy guards, some of which put up token resistance while the others just COMPLETELY FUCKING IGNORE HIM, and runs up a RAMP towards the KING'S GAZE COCKPIT (remember G-A-Z-E), helpfully hovering right there since this ultra-badass flagship apparently can't hit anything from distance, an odd feature in something allegedly useful for SPACE BATTLES.

PILOT

Okay look, this ship is built to withstand the rigours of fucking space, if you're gonna try and say there's just regular-ass shop windows on this thing then I SWEAR TO GOD

RAY FISHER

OH YOU KNOW IT ASSHOLE, THERE IS NO DEFENCE AGAINST THE SLO-MO JUMP

(jumps!)

RAY pierces the WINDOW and the PILOT but is also FATALLY SHOT! With his last breath he pushes a SINGLE JOYSTICK DOWNWARDS and if you think this ship has ANY redundancy safeguards WELL OBVIOUSLY NOT, WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK SO. It CRASHES and goes KABLOOEY! The docks are BLOWED UP in a way that conveniently leaves SOFIA and ED alone on a suspended platform of the type suitable for final battles. They FIGHT!

SOFIA BOUTELLA

My elite military training lets me throw wild haymakers FAR better than your puny SEMI-elite military training! So there!

(beats up Ed)

(stabs him)

(throws him off platform)

ED SKREIN

(falling)

WOW SO TURNS OUT YOU REALLY ONLY HAD TO RECRUIT ONE PERSON SINCE RAY KILLED THE SHIP AND YOU KILLED MEEEEEEE

Our heroes WIN! The gang gathers on the remaining docks.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

With Ed dead, the Empire will retreat and our Fuck Farm is safe! Thanks y'all! Let's go get your payment, of course we'll land miles away and finish the trip on horseback. There's wheat fields need trampling!

EXT. EPILOGUE - IMPERIUM SPACE CRUISER THAT LOOKS MUCH BIGGER THAN THE ALLEGED SUPER-SCARY FLAGSHIP EVERYONE WAS GOING ON AND ON ABOUT

The bashed-to-fuck body of ED SKREIN is taken to surgery where his HEAD and BODY are plugged into crazy-ass machines!

EVIL DOCTOR

Why the fuck do we all have a half-dozen flashlights stuck on our helmets, I can't see shit if anyone looks my way. Cut it out Larry! Fuck it everyone push some buttons, see what happens.

ED'S CONSCIOUSNESS is beamed into a VIRTUAL SPACE where on a giant ice floe, we finally meet the REALLY BIG BADDIE, FRA FEE!

FRA FEE

Mwah ha ha yes it's me, and if you all behave I'll reveal more letters of my name later on. But now we must sinisterly set the stage for Part Two!

ED SKREIN

Can I assume my orders are the standard "capture the protagonist alive, they must suffer" issue?

FRA FEE

YOU CAN! But in the meanwhile, congratulations on helping us to achieve our OTHER main objective.

ED SKREIN

Delivering a movie so sketched-out and undercooked that die-hard Snyderbros can rampage across social media insisting there's a REAL, COMPLETE, DIRECTOR'S TRUE VISION buried in a vault somewhere, that doesn't suck?

FRA FEE

YOU GOT IT BRO, TIME TO ENTER THE SPEED FORCE AW YYEEEAHHHHHHH

END

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