FADE IN:

EXT. THE SURFACE

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING sails with some CREWMEN and PRIME MINISTER ART MALIK.

CREWMEN

(to tune of "Fathoms Below")

We'll tell you a tale that we've told you before

With an ending you already know!

Don't think we're all done

There's like five or six more

Classic Disney film remakes to go!

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

Isn't life on the open ocean wonderful, Art? Adventure, fresh air, all the rum and lime juice you can put away...

PRIME MINISTER ART MALIK

Sire, I do wish you'd cease partaking in the habits of the crew as if you weren't their superior in both rank and looks. Has Master and Commander taught you nothing?

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

Evidently. I'm sure it wouldn't have occurred to anyone in that movie to take an Old English Sheepdog to sea.

PRIME MINISTER ART MALIK

Well, you and he will be back on land soon enough. Your mother is keen that you stop trying to discover things and stay in one place for the rest of your life.

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

I'm not feeling that at all. It seems nobody understands what it's like to be curious about the rest of the world.

He dejectedly tosses all his LONELY PLANET GUIDES into...

INT. THE SEA

...where mermaid HALLE BAILEY finds them and carries them to her SECRET GROTTO.

HALLE BAILEY

(to tune of "Daughters of Triton")

Oh, I am a mermaid named Halle!

Come check out my cave full of human crap!

Like mirrors!

(vocalizes emptily)

And goblets!

(vocalizes emptily)

And candles!

(vocalizes emptily)

And bedsprings!

(vocalizes emptily)

And dishware!

(vocalizes emptily)

And this thing!

(vocalizes emptily)

But that's not the important part

Cuz I'm what matters here!

I'm starring in the biggest-ever role of my career!

Naomi, Emma, Lily:

All you bitches hold my beer

And bow down to--

Her father's right-hand crab, DECAPOD DIGGS, enters.

DECAPOD DIGGS

(Caribbean accent)

Halle girl! It time fi yuh guh back tuh yuh fadda's home! Him nah like hearing bout yuh human stuff, yuh get it?

HALLE BAILEY

Why the hell are you talking like that? You're from Oakland.

DECAPOD DIGGS

(drops accent)

Oh, thank Neptune, nobody's fooled. But, seriously, you're late for dinner and it's sharkloaf night, so get moving.

HALLE returns to the palace, where her father, KING JAVIER BARDEM, awaits.

KING JAVIER BARDEM

(low flat drawl)

Halle, none of your sisters ever disobeyed my rules and tried to do their own thing when they were teenagers. Clearly that says more about you than it does about me.

HALLE BAILEY

Why the hell are YOU talking like that? You're supposed to be a stern but loving father. I'm worried you'll start asking me how much I lost on a coin toss.

KING JAVIER BARDEM

(not giving up on that drawl for a second)

You mean that thing HUMANS do to make decisions? You've been doing anthropological research again, haven't you?

HALLE BAILEY

Dad, it's my passion! Don't you want me to have an independent spirit and the will to stretch beyond what I've always known?

KING JAVIER BARDEM

That doesn't sound like something I would say. Now sit down and eat before your sharkloaf gets cold. I'm not missing NCIS on your account, young lady.

HALLE swims off in a HUFF.

HALLE BAILEY

Dad's so lame. I want to see the real human world. I'm done living in this Windows 2005 screensaver.

DECAPOD DIGGS

With you on that one.

(to tune of "Under the Sea")

This undersea mermaid space is

Some Autodesk artist's grid

The fish with their tiny faces

Are sure to freak out your kids

Why make every scene we're seeing

So muddled and dark and drab?

How hard could it be for Disney

To render a singing crab?

No more CG!

No more CG!

We looked much better

In the unfettered world of 2D!

Can't choose between live-action grit

Or a cartoon that's properly lit?

You'll get this awful, horrible, wretched, ugly CG!

Suddenly JONAH falls into the OCEAN!

DECAPOD DIGGS

Oh, look, a live human specimen. Just the thing for your collection, isn't he?

HALLE BAILEY

Don't be silly. He can't breathe down here, which means I can't interview him properly. Good thing I can breathe up there!

She carries JONAH up to the shore.

HALLE BAILEY

(examines him carefully)

Hmm. Acceptably handsome, well-cut, just talented enough that I can outshine him tenfold while allowing him to retain his dignity. Very impressive find.

JONAH HAUER-KING

(eyes begin to open)

Thank you for saving me with your gorgeous soprano, glowing humanoid blob.

HALLE BAILEY

(squees)

He called me humanoid!

She swims back to her GROTTO to make FIELDNOTES.

DECAPOD DIGGS

Oh, great. I know where this is going. You're going to--

HALLE BAILEY

--go to admittedly insane lengths to pursue my lifelong dream, but with the cute boy primarily as a nice fringe benefit after he and I get to know each other.

DECAPOD DIGGS

...You know, now that I think about it, that was what this was about the first time, wasn't it?

HALLE BAILEY

YES, DAMMIT. I have ALWAYS been feminist-approved, to the extent feminists actually give a flying hot shit about Disney princesses and that whole discourse exists for more than clickbait. But just to double down on that, I do NOT love him already. He's just a means to an end, that end being a permanent full-time role in my field of study.

(to tune of "Part of Your World")

Looked at the prince

Thought he was sweet

Back in the 30s

He'd make me complete

Not for a strong modern girl

No, love is not everything!

I have big goals

I have big plans

I'll have it all:

A career and a man

I'll preach ambition to girls

And that'll fix everything!

They'll trade in sparkly dresses for pantsuits!

They'll all fight for some seats on the board!

DECAPOD DIGGS

That's our feminism?

In the 2020s?

HALLE BAILEY

Boost those shares!

Cut those deals!

Lean in more!

I wanna be where old white guys are!

I wanna see my new C-suite office!

Take all that's his

Repackage it into what's hers!

Own all their stocks

Bring home their checks

Hire a PA with firm, strokeable pecs

Drink scotch at three

That's how I'll be

Boss who's a girl!

KING JAVIER BARDEM

(enters)

Not on my watch, you won't.

He destroys her COLLECTION with his MAGIC SMASHY-SMASH TRIDENT.

KING JAVIER BARDEM

I've told you once if I've told you a hundred times: No human trinkets in my house.

HALLE BAILEY

(exquisitely controlled rage)

If the rule you followed brought you to this... of what use was the rule?

KING JAVIER BARDEM

Don't get smart with me, girl. Now clean up this room.

He exits. HALLE storms off to visit her cool aunt, MELISSQUID MCCARTHY.

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

So Javier's still the biggest buzzkill in the seven seas, huh? I can relate. Want to REALLY dick him over?

HALLE BAILEY

Sure, but why do you? Why does the fact that you're his sister now make this more layered?

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

For... a reason. Jealousy? Patriarchal norms making him an absolute monarch and me... not... that? Look, I'm a sea witch, I don't need reasons to be evil. The point is, I get your voice, you get two legs, you keep them if you make Jonah fall for you in three days, otherwise I'll--

HALLE BAILEY

Turn me into some kind of gross seaweed creature, yeah, I know.

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

No, I'll kill you. That's what I do to my victims this time, just murder them all. Look, here are a bunch of their skulls.

HALLE BAILEY

Okay, you dropped the "doting aunt" act REAL fast there.

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

So those are the terms of the deal!

(whispers to eel minions)

Plus an extra, secret term where she'll forget what she has to do to win. So I don't know why I'm even telling her now.

(to HALLE again)

Anyway, what do you say?

HALLE BAILEY

You'll have to make the hard sell in song if you want to persuade me. And as much as your acting is the best thing in the movie so far, I suspect I'll find your take on the iconic villain song a tad disappointing.

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

Mmmm... yeah. You will.

(to tune of "Poor Unfortunate Souls")

I'll admit that when the casting people asked me

"How'd you like to play the ocean's favorite witch?"

I just didn't think it through

If they offered, wouldn't you

Love to play that awesome molluscular bitch?

Sure would!

And I've always been "the big and loud and fat one"

But just look at all these other rumored stars

Tituss Burgess and Mo'Nique

Maddie, Lizzo, Queen Latif'

What I'm not is everything these people are!

Let's face it...

I'm not great for this role!

Just meh!

Just fine!

I don't have a voice for Broadway

Hell, I've never sung at all

And I'm nothing like Divine!

No, I'm not great for this role!

But still

I'm here!

If they got the fans to vote

I'm sure I wouldn't top the poll

I can see why they'd be angry

But I didn't come to troll

I can promise I'll deliver this

With all my heart and soooouuuul!

But I'm... not... great... for this rooooooooole!

She sticks a MICROPHONE in HALLE's face.

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

Now... VOCALIZE EMPTILY!!!

HALLE BAILEY

(sings chorus from "Runaround Sue")

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

KEEP SINGING NOTHING!!!

HALLE BAILEY

(sings bridge from "Uptown Girl")

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

MORE VOWELS!!! MORE!!!

HALLE BAILEY

(sings middle eight from Doctor Who theme)

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

I NEED SAMPLES OF EVERY NOTE PERCEPTIBLE TO MAN AND SEVERAL PERCEPTIBLE ONLY TO DOGS!!!

HALLE BAILEY

(sings entire Mariah Carey discography)

MELISSQUID saves the RECORDING to her SHELL-SHAPED FLASH DRIVE. She turns HALLE into a SHAMPOO MODEL who breaks through...

EXT. THE SURFACE

...where she gets taken to the PALACE, which I guess is the closest thing this TINY ISLAND has to a POLICE STATION. JONAH and QUEEN NOMA DUWEZMENI come to see her.

PRIME MINISTER ART MALIK

I'm afraid she cannot speak at all, sire. She also appears incapable of walking upright. She can, however, hold up her head and grasp small rubber toys.

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

But if she can't talk, she can't possibly be the glowing humanoid soprano blob to whose identity I've directed the entire palace's resources to discovering.

QUEEN NOMA DUMEZWENI

Then we'll continue to do so. Nothing matters more to me than my one and only son finding the love of his life that he's never technically met.

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

You're sure you don't want to marry me off to some politically useful princess, seeing as we're absolute monarchs and all?

QUEEN NOMA DUMEZWENI

(hesitates)

Well, I'd look like a real asshole if I pulled that NOW. Anyway, see what you can do with this one. If nothing else, maybe she'll be useful in the scullery.

(exits)

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

(slow and high-pitched)

Hi there! I'm Jonah! I have nothing else to do while my servants go out to find my poon, so I'm going to take care of you for a while! You wanna go out? Let's go out!

He carefully velcroes on HALLE's SHOES and takes her to the MARKET, where the TOWNSFOLK are all so friendly that they don’t even bother to CHARGE FOR THEIR WARES.

JODI BENSON CAMEO

Here, Halle, have some complimentary stew! Hold on, this scene where the male lead shows the female lead the wonders of human society by taking her to a town square to sample the local food, crafts, and dancing wasn’t in the original--

MANDY MOORE/ZACHARY LEVI

NO IT FUCKING WASN’T.

JODI BENSON CAMEO

Oops. Don’t worry, guys, we’ll get things right back on track by doing the romantic rowboat ballad next!

(pause)

Um... you guys didn’t by any chance follow up your town square scene with a romantic rowboat ballad scene, did you?

MANDY MOORE/ZACHARY LEVI

(stare daggers)

HALLE and JONAH take an intimate ROWBOAT RIDE. DECAPOD and his seagull nemesis, SQUAWKWAFINA, watch from the REEDS.

SQUAWKWAFINA

Y'know, under the circumstances, we can hardly expect him to make a move on her. Did you see them together at the market? He mashed a papaya and fed it to her with a silicone spoon.

DECAPOD DIGGS

But she still has a sixteen-year-old body. We just need to get her to remind him of that. Maybe if we make HER take it up a notch...

(to tune of "Kiss the Girl")

There you see him

Sitting there across the boat

Soaking through your petticoat

Every time you're together

And it ain't no shame

No one here will blame you if you

Jump his bones!

AQUATIC CREATURES

Sha-la-la-la-la-la

Don't be coy!

You know you want this boy!

Go on and jump his bones!

[Whoa-whoa!]

Sha-la-la-la-la-la

Get it, girl!

Looks like he's down to swirl!

Go on and jump his bones!

[Whoa-whoa!]

Sha-la-la-la-la-la

Spread and ride

And take him deep inside

Go on and jump his bones!

[Whoa-whoa!]

Let him stick it in your--

They stop to see HALLE and JONAH giving them WEIRD LOOKS.

DECAPOD DIGGS

But, uh, you know, make sure he's into it first. Have fun, kids.

(swims off)

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

You know, I was starting to remember that you have the physique of a woman flowered in spite of your infantile qualities, but those horny fireflies kinda killed the mood. Anyway, sleepytime? I think it's sleepytime now!

They return to the PALACE. JONAH puts HALLE to bed with a bottle of WARM MILK and a readthrough of THE VERY BUSY SPIDER, then takes a walk on the BEACH.

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

What a week this has been. I still haven't found my poon, but now I have other poon available, except that poon can't openly consent to being poon. Life was so much easier when having my 24/7 pick of female servants did it for me.

But an ANGELIC VOICE comes in on the WIND...

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

Wait... could it be? The chorus from "Runaround Sue"?!

He runs down to the SHORELINE to find JESSICA ALEXANDER waiting for him.

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

Oh. Yeah, thanks for saving me and all, and your voice is still killer, but you kind of look like every Instagram thot, so--

JESSICA ALEXANDER

(hypnotizes him)

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

Yes, dear.

INT. THE PALACE

SQUAWKWAFINA flies in.

SQUAWKWAFINA

Big news! Now I could deliver it in my blaccent, but nobody wants that anymore, and rightfully so. In place of such indignities, I'm now going to perform a rap by--

DECAPOD DIGGS

--a rapper whose schtick isn't horribly overtired? Who hasn't been contracted to write Disney remake raps for all eternity? Kendrick? Ghostface? Nas? Hell, I'll even take Fred Durst, as long as it isn't--

SQUAWKWAFINA

--Lin-Manuel Miranda!

DECAPOD DIGGS

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT EVEN I'M OVER THIS GUY

SQUAWKWAFINA

(rapping)

Ay yo I'm a seagull

Not like an eagle

And less like a beagle

I'm common, not regal

I'm legal, my sea girl

I read all Der Spiegel--

DECAPOD DIGGS

NO. STOP. ENOUGH. Just get to the point before I go beg the cooks to mix me with cream cheese and stuff me into wontons.

SQUAWKWAFINA

Geez, all right. Jonah's telling the queen that he wants to marry some girl he just met.

HALLE immediately gets up and runs DOWNSTAIRS, only to find JONAH introducing JESSICA to NOMA!

JESSICA ALEXANDER

And we want all the glassware engraved with our initials, and precisely 17 blue orchids in every centerpiece--ooh, and one of those late-night taco trucks! Don't we, schnookums?

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

Yes, dear.

QUEEN NOMA DUMEZWENI

Jonah, this is very unlike you. This wedding could bankrupt the entire island, and our bid for an Amazon satellite office isn't really going anywhere.

JESSICA ALEXANDER

But the people EXPECT an extravagant royal wedding! It's just about the only thing they keep monarchies around for! Isn't that right, sugar pie?

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

Yes, dear.

A slight breeze lifts JESSICA's skirt just enough to reveal a familiar TENTACLE. HALLE rugby-tackles her and rips off the SHELL-SHAPED FLASH DRIVE around her neck, which breaks and wirelessly uploads all its CONTENTS back into her!

HALLE BAILEY

POW! WHAT NOW, OCTOSKANK?!

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

(gasps)

Halle, it was you who saved me all along! The real poon was the girlfriend I made along the way!

QUEEN NOMA DUMEZWENI

Yeah, isn't it a bigger deal that voices can float between larynxes? Or that those Lovecraftian nightmares we've all been superstitious about for generations are real?

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

We'll deal with that later. Get flash-fried, Jessica.

JESSICA ALEXANDER

You think you can get rid of me that easily? I'M SOOKIE ST. JAMES, BEYOTCH!

She transforms back into MELISSQUID, restores HALLE's fins, and drags her down into...

INT. THE SEA

...where JAVIER confronts them.

KING JAVIER BARDEM

Oh, you are in a WORLD of hurt for this, missy. See if I ever let you borrow the keys to the Pacifica again.

HALLE BAILEY

Jesus, Dad, priorities!

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

Indeed! Now that your precious youngest daughter is in my clutches, you'll have to bargain for her back! Hand over your all-powerful trident, or she joins my only-slightly-more-macabre-than-hers collection of corpse trophies FOREVER!

KING JAVIER BARDEM

I'm not about to negotiate with you! You... were... a real bitch when we were kids. Yeah. That's why I exiled you or whatever.

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

Don't test me, Javier! You know perfectly well that Halle is the only one in the house who knows how the universal remote works!

JAVIER sighs and irritably tosses MELISSQUID his TRIDENT, with all the climactic drama of GERI forking over his FALSE TEETH at the end of GERI'S GAME. Then MELISSQUID'S EELS FUCKING ELECTROCUTE JAVIER TO DEATH.

HALLE BAILEY

Oh SHIT, that's a fucking hardcore alteration, Jesus. Maybe to give the audience a moment to deal with that, we should just go shot-for-shot for a little while.

She presses play on the 1989 THE LITTLE MERMAID DVD.

HALLE BAILEY

Let's see, Jonah wings Melissquid with a harpoon, her eels grab him, she goes to zap him but I shove her so that she accidentally kills her eels instead, she freaks out and grows to Cthulhu size, there's that neat bit where the point of her crown emerges from the sea between Jonah and me, and okay I think we can take it from there.

(stops DVD)

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

(indecipherable growling)

HALLE BAILEY

I'm sorry, I didn't catch any of that. Could you turn down the goofy digitally-altered demon voice just a smidge?

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

I said, behold! I have become a really unfinished-looking special effect! Seriously, I look like a boss fight from God of War, and I don't mean the 2018 one.

HALLE BAILEY

Yeah, I can't help but notice this computer model is really inexpressive and is moving very slowly. You don't think that'll make for a dull climax, do you?

MELISSQUID MCCARTHY

No, it'll be fine, I'm sure. Now, let me just... try to aim my trident... at Jonah... just a second... nnngh, nearly got it...

(notices Halle on ship)

Oh no. Halle's piloting a ship straight at my midsection. Why, if that were to pierce my chest, it would prove fatal. Here it comes. This is a pickle and no mistake. Gosh.

(gets skewered)

Dangit. I am slain. What an inauspicious turn of events. Boo. I will make a most disappointed face about all this, I can tell you that much. Anyway:

(dies)

The TRIDENT falls to the OCEAN FLOOR, and then sends out some MAGIC that finds JAVIER and unelectrocutes him.

HALLE BAILEY

(sighs)

Oh well. I knew, in my heart of hearts, that we were going to get a copout exactly as bullshitty as that. But a girl can dream.

EXT. THE BEACH

Everyone gathers to see HALLE and JONAH off on their SEEMINGLY PERMANENT HONEYMOON.

QUEEN NOMA DUWEZMENI

Have a safe voyage, Jonah. Come back with lots of useful knowledge about the wider world that we can use to bolster our economy and strengthen our geopolitical ties. I'll be busy improving our diplomatic relations with the oceanoids.

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

I'm starting to understand why you put that "FUCK DESANTIS" banner on the back of our ship.

He and HALLE row away.

HALLE BAILEY

Now I'm sure you're worried about this, but even though I'm still used to having human parts below the waist, you don't have to explain much. All those books I salvaged stayed remarkably intact despite all the seawater, and one of them described moves that you couldn't even--

PRINCE JONAH HAUER-KING

Uh, your dad's right behind us.

HALLE turns around to see JAVIER just treading WATER there.

HALLE BAILEY

Oh. Um, hi, Dad. What's up?

KING JAVIER BARDEM

I, uh... just came to ask if you remembered to DVR The Good Doctor last night.

HALLE BAILEY

(rolls eyes)

YES, Dad.

KING JAVIER BARDEM

Good. Would have been a REALLY dull evening without you otherwise. Have a nice terrestrial life, kiddo.

(swims off)

HALLE BAILEY

Sorry about that. You can see why I wanted to get out of the house. so badly. Anyway, let's--

KING JAVIER BARDEM

(surfaces again)

Halle?

HALLE BERRY

(whips around)

WHAT?!

KING JAVIER BARDEM

Sorry! I just need you to remind me where we keep the menu for the good Thai place, the one with the mango rice.

HALLE BAILEY

(irritated sigh)

In the drawer of the kitchen desk with the other menus.

KING JAVIER BARDEM

Okay. Thanks. Bye.

(swims off)

HALLE BAILEY

I should sign him up for MermaidSingles.com or something. So are we--

KING JAVIER BARDEM

(surfaces again)

Last thing, I swear.

HALLE BAILEY

Mineral oil for your seashell armor, olive oil for your mother-of-pearl. WE'RE LEAVING NOW.

They do.

KING JAVIER BARDEM

What will I do without her, Decapod?

DECAPOD DIGGS

Don't be sad, Your Majesty. I'm sure she'll be open to regular video calls.

KING JAVIER BARDEM

Yes, that's not a bad idea.

(cringes)

Oh, crap--HALLE! IS IT THREE ZEROES OR FOUR ZEROES AT THE BEGINNING OF THE WI-FI PASSWORD? I KNOW YOU WROTE IT DOWN, BUT I CAN'T FIND THE POST-IT NOTE! HALLE? HALLE!!!

END