The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. ENTERPRISE
The crew sits around, waiting for a plot...er.. "exploring" the vast depths of space, which appear to look exactly like the rest of space.
PATRICK STEWART
Help me reroute my negative tracefields through the processor directive! STAT!
MICHAEL DORN
Sir, we've found a planet surrounded by rings. It appears to be giving off a strange radiation. It makes anything near it younger.
PATRICK STEWART
How is that possible?
MICHAEL DORN
Well, in terms nobody can understand to make the explanation seem feasible: The positively ionic banana split ate twelve under cheese with bat router emotions lift and whores.
PATRICK STEWART
I see..
INT. BAD GUY SHIP
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
I will be taking over that planet soon, to keep myself looking younger.
ANTHONY ZERBE
I will help you, to pursue my own greedy, capitalist interests.
He presses a button for an intercom kind of thing.
PATRICK STEWART
(over intercom)
Yes, admiral?
ANTHONY ZERBE
I want you to leave that fountain of youth planet alone, or I'll kill you.
PATRICK STEWART
Hmm. Well, now that you say that, I better go down there and take a look.
ANTHONY ZERBE
If you do that, you will be disobeying a direct order!
PATRICK STEWART
I disobey a direct order every movie and episode. You should be used to it by now.
ANTHONY ZERBE
Yeah, you're right. But we're going to shoot your ass down.
PATRICK STEWART
I assumed as much.
INT. ENTERPRISE
PATRICK and BRENT are beamed down to the planet. SUDDENLY, part of the main hull explodes.
JONATHAN FRAKES
We've been hit!
Every single object on the ship that is tubelike in its nature begins shooting smoke out. Everything silver begins shooting sparks.
JONATHAN FRAKES
LAVAR, DO SOMETHING!!
LAVAR BURTON
Butterfly in the sky... I can fly twice as high...
JONATHAN FRAKES
What the hell?
MICHAEL DORN
Sir, it appears as though the rings are making us all younger. LaVar seems to be reverting back to the days when he did 'Reading Rainbow.' Meanwhile, I have developed acne and my hair has started growing.... upstairs and down.
JONATHAN FRAKES
That's disgusting.
(pause)
WHOA!
MICHAEL DORN
What is it, captain?
JONATHAN FRAKES
I just realized..I AM REALLY HORNY!
MARINA SIRTIS
My breasts have gotten firmer!
JONATHAN and MARINA grab each other and run to the "AUXILLARY DWELLING ZONE -O- LOVE"
The Enterprise begins rocking.
EXT. FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH PLANET
DONNA MURPHY
Well, hello Captain Stewart. In case you didn't notice, on this planet, everyone remains young. That doesn't really matter, though. It won't be expanded upon in any way, but will simply be the plot point which the bad guys use to try to take our planet over.
Suddenly, PATRICK'S watch lights up. It's the ADMIRAL.
ANTHONY ZERBE
Captain Stewart, these ugly Mozart- killing beings want to move these people to another planet and take over the fountain of youth. Leave now.
PATRICK STEWART
Negative. Those Mozart-killers don't matter.
NERDY AUDIENCE
Yeah! You tell em, captain!
ANTHONY ZERBE
Dammit, there are over a million of them and only 600 of these hippie punks that we're moving. Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"?
PATRICK STEWART
Yes, it was in another Star Trek movie. But I don't care about logic, I am going to protect these people. Donna here is REALLY hot and I want to have hot, wild sex with her.
He turns the watch off.
PATRICK STEWART
Ok, let's move these people out. Everyone go up to those scenic mountains!
EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE
BRENT SPINER
We'll be safe as long as we're here.
AUDIENCE
Hey..I know that place. I vacationed there last summer.
BRENT SPINER
No you didn't. This is another planet.
AUDIENCE
No it's not. It's a mountain range in-
BRENT SPINER
ANOTHER PLANET! Shut up. Now, let us all boogie.
BRENT, PATRICK, and the HIPPIE PUNKS all start dancing for no reason.
INT. BAD GUY SHIP
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
DAMN IT! That's it, they're going down. Vile henchman, beam me down to that planet.. and give me some kind of device which will enable me to blow up my ship while I'm down there.
EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
Now, captain, you die.
Suddenly, BRENT takes his EXPLODING DEVICE!
BRENT SPINER
Neener neener!
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
Hey, give that back, doodyhead!
As he lunges toward BRENT, BRENT throws the device to PATRICK.
PATRICK STEWART
(singing)
Monkey in the middle! Monkey in the middle!
(throws it to Brent)
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
CUT IT OUT! If I lose that, I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble.
BRENT SPINER
(catching it)
HA HA!
BRENT pushes the button on it.
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
NOOOOO!!!!!!!!
The ship explodes, loudly, and with horrible special effects. Shards of the ship shoot by stars, which are apparently very small in the Star Trek world.
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
You guys really suck!
PATRICK STEWART
(into watch)
LaVar, beam us back up.
LAVAR BURTON
Take a look.. it's in a book.. reading rainbow.
While PATRICK is distracted and confused, F. MURRAY ABRAHAM grabs DONNA MURPHY and takes her hostage.
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
Har har!
PATRICK shoots F. MURRAY ABRAHAM in the head with a 'WACKY-RAY GUN' and upon doing so, the many stretched layers of his face stretch out and engulf his head. The skin continues to engulf the rest of his body until he vanishes.
BRENT SPINER
Now that's what I call using one's head.
PATRICK STEWART
(laughing)
Oh, Brent!
END