FADE IN:

INT. FLASHBACK - FIRST MOVIE

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Granny, you don't mean to set up a sequel, do you?

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

Oh, no. We couldn't have that.

(turns)

Now could we?

PRODUCER GARETH NEAME AND WRITER JULIAN FELLOWES

(tied up in the corner)

No, my lady.

(fading out)

No, my lady. No, my lady. No, my lady. No, my lady. No, my lady...

VOICEOVER

Gareth and Julian really meant that when they said it. But the fandom's appetite for subpar screenwriting has a funny way of surprising you.

INT. HIGHCLERE CASTLE

MAGGIE gathers her family together.

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

I've not much time left on this earth, and I intend to spend all of it making sarcastic comments from my deathbed. It falls upon all of you to do things in my place.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

But, Granny, nobody will want to watch us do things if you're not there making sarcastic comments right alongside us.

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

No, but you must make do. Now, I've prepared a list of plot threads for all of you to follow.

(unfurls scroll of paper)

Allen, you shall go to France to look over your daughter's inheritance: a villa given to me by some nobleman I once knew.

ALLEN LEECH

The Russian from season 5?

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

No, a different nobleman I once knew. Elizabeth, you shall go as well and worry about a deathly illness you don't have.

ELIZABETH, COUNTESS OF MCGOVERN

The breast cancer our housekeeper feared in season 3?

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

No, a different deathly illness you don't have. Hugh, you shall accompany Elizabeth and politely argue over someone's inheritance.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

Well, that could be from just about any season--

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

No, someone else's inheritance. Also, I've asked former butler Jim Carter to join us because he is to travel outside of England for the first time ever.

JIM CARTER

(sputters)

Outside of England?! Your ladyship, I really must protest--

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

Oh, come now, Carter, we're living in the modern world! One day there may come a time when British people travel to the Orient for pleasure.

JIM CARTER

I hope to be food for the midges when that time comes, my lord.

They all rush off.

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

Now, Michelle, in their absence, you shall remain here and worry about the leaky roof.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

...The leaky roof. Of all things. The world economy is a year away from its greatest decline, and I'm to fret over a roof? Shouldn't I be scrambling to keep the estate from falling apart after Papa invests all our money in bean-filled children's toys or something?

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

Oh, no, my dear. We couldn't possibly rehash storylines from the show like that.

EXT. SOUTH OF FRANCE

The FAMILY goes to the VILLA to meet JONATHAN, MARQUIS DE ZACCAL, and his mother, NATHALIE, MADAME DE BAYE.

JONATHAN, MARQUIS DE ZACCAL

Mon cher Lord Bonneville, welcome to one of our multiple lavish homes! I do hope your second-least important grandchild will be most happy with it when she comes of age.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

I doubt she could ask for a better party house, monseigneur. Only we're all trying to find out precisely why your father entailed this house upon my mother. We have absolutely no idea what his reason could be.

NATHALIE, MADAME DE BAYE

Whatever it is, I am très, très furieux about it! A curse upon your holiday! May your champagne be flat and your butter stiff and unspreadable!

(storms off)

JONATHAN, MARQUIS DE ZACCAL

I apologize for my mother, but you need not worry about her. Her unceasing anger will have no impact on the resolution whatsoever. Shall we commence our lighthearted summer frolicking?

ALLEN LEECH

(approves of daughter's free vacation house)

LAURA, MARCHIONESS OF CARMICHAEL

(uses one of those newfangled modern autophotogramatrons)

TUPPENCE MIDDLETON/ HARRY, MARQUESS OF HADDEN-PATON

(are happily married to ALLEN and LAURA, respectively)

ALL OF THEIR CHILDREN

(barely appear in this film, if at all)

JIM CARTER

(buys a new hat)

LADY IMELDA STAUNTON

(is still here for some fucking reason)

ALLEN LEECH

...Okay, who'll say it?

Silence.

ALLEN LEECH

Fine. I'm bored. This is borin'. Never have we done anythin' with lower stakes than this, and most of our previous stakes-free thing-doin' at least included Maggie to quip about it. If something int'restin' doesn't happen soon, I'm tearin' down this villa in me daughter's name and puttin' up a loud Oirish pub.

LAURA, MARCHIONESS OF CARMICHAEL

Can we just do that right now? I have absolutely zero function in this story. I'll run quiz night.

JIM CARTER

I'll happily join in, as long as I can go back to wearing a proper English hat. You lot may be living in the modern world, but I declare I never shall.

Suddenly he spots a portrait of a young MAGGIE.

JIM CARTER

Heavens! The last time I saw the Dowager looking like this, the world was even less modern.

LAURA, MARCHIONESS OF CARMICHAEL

How mysterious! Why would the man who owned this house and gifted it to Granny have a portrait of her at her youngest and most beautiful in this house?

ALLEN LEECH

Sure has me wond'rin'!

TUPPENCE MIDDLETON

(in a low voice)

What a family we've married into. Are they always this dense?

HARRY, MARQUESS OF HADDEN-PATON

(in a low voice)

No, they just think the viewers are. And given all the positive reviews, they may be right.

INT. HIGHCLERE CASTLE

MICHELLE gets a phone call from film director HUGH DANCY.

HUGH DANCY

Lady Michelle, baby, how'd ya like to get the entire house into a zany scheme to raise money for your roof repairs?

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

A zany scheme? This house has seen many a scheme in its proud history, but I don't believe any of them have been zany. But then again, we are living in the modern world.

HUGH arrives with an entire SILENT FILM CREW and CAST, including actress LAURA HADDOCK, leaving assistant cook SOPHIE MCSHERA starstruck.

SOPHIE MCSHERA

Oh, think a' that! A real-life film star right 'ere at Highclere! D'you suppose she'd be friends wi' me if I were her lady's maid while she's 'ere?

JOANNE FROGGATT

Don't be daft, Sophie. Remaining out of sight of the family and guests at all times is literally in your job description. Nobody'll ask you to--

SOPHIE MCSHERA

(runs up to LAURA)

Oh, Miss 'Addock, you're the most beau'iful woman in pictures! Could you sign me apron?

LAURA HADDOCK

(opens her mouth)

(sound of two chalkboards being rubbed together comes out)

SOPHIE MCSHERA

You must be hungry from your journey. Maybe you'd like a sandwich filled with chips? Which is a thing people actually eat in this part of England?

LAURA HADDOCK

(stuffs it in her face)

(sends gobs of partially chewed potato flying in all directions)

SOPHIE MCSHERA

And now you've had your fill, maybe you'll want to--

LAURA HADDOCK

(lifts her skirt)

(takes a giant, splatty dump on a priceless Turkish carpet)

SOPHIE MCSHERA

(pauses)

(sighs dreamily)

Meanwhile, current butler ROB JAMES-COLLIER attends to actor DOMINIC WEST.

DOMINIC WEST

You're a very handsome fellow.

ROB JAMES-COLLIER

I must say you are as well, sir.

DOMINIC WEST

No doubt you'll spend a great deal of time adjusting my clothing in this private bedroom.

ROB JAMES-COLLIER

All in a day's work, sir.

DOMINIC WEST

But I suppose it would be improper for me to play toad-in-the-hole with a servant while staying here.

ROB JAMES-COLLIER

Other servants have been sacked for less, sir.

DOMINIC WEST

Then be my valet instead. Nothing improper about that, of course.

ROB JAMES-COLLIER

Leaving this house to be someone's valet-slash-toyboy is all I've ever wanted, sir.

Meanwhile, HUGH attends to LADY MICHELLE.

HUGH DANCY

Your husband ain't in this flick at all, eh? Well, I think you're the cat's pajamas, doll, so how's about we spread those gams and make some whoopee?

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Mr Dancy, while I'm quite certain that was meant to be flattering, I'm afraid I'm too proper to make whoopee with a film director.

HUGH DANCY

Ah, horsefeathers.

Meanwhile, former footman KEVIN DOYLE shows up.

EVERYONE

YOU DON'T WORK HERE ANYMORE. GO. AWAY. NOW.

KEVIN DOYLE

Erm, must I? I-I-I've just discovered a precocious talent for screenwriting. It might get me out of having to use my precocious talent for teaching.

HUGH DANCY

Seven hundred clams a piece if ya breeze off.

KEVIN DOYLE

Oh, um, jolly good... but what if lady's maid Raquel Cassidy prefers I didn't "breeze off?"

RAQUEL CASSIDY

Somehow, I do. Let's get married.

Cook LESLEY NICOL and SOPHIE's father-in-law, PAUL COPLEY, run upstairs.

LESLEY NICOL

Aye, why stop there? Let's 'ave TWO servant engagements!

SOPHIE MCSHERA

And hint at all the sex I'll have with me husband, footman Michael Fox, now that Paul's movin' out of his own house to marry Lesley!

MICHAEL FOX

I'll 'ave Paul's son's widow over 'is trestle table before 'ee can say "Jack Robinson!"

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

(repeatedly bangs head against the wall)

Kevin, if you insist on hanging about, I'd like you to write a script that focuses more on Maggie and A WHOLE LOT LESS on these people and their sex lives.

KEVIN DOYLE

How about a scene where none of Hugh's extras show up and all the servants have to dress up as everyone's grandmother's ugliest table lamp?

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

...All this for want of a fucking roof repair.

EXT. SOUTH OF FRANCE

HUGH confronts JONATHAN with the portrait of MAGGIE.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

What is the meaning of this? Your father willed this estate to my second-least important grandchild by way of my mother, and now we find a hint that he had some affection for her?

JONATHAN, MARQUIS DE ZACCAL

(sighs)

I see there is no point in not saying what everyone has already guessed. You see, exactly nine months before your birth, your mother met my father and they, how do you say, shagged rotten?

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

(goes ashen)

Nine months...

JIM CARTER

(goes even more ashen)

His lordship may be part-Continental...

ELIZABETH, COUNTESS OF MCGOVERN

Well, that explains why Nathalie was so angry about all this. If I found out that Hugh gave a large sum of money to the descendant of someone with whom he had an affair, I'd be livid.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

(nervously tugs at collar in memory of season 2)

NATHALIE, MADAME DE BAYE

Ah, non. This is France. I was angry because there was an entire backstory about Maggie's youth in a movie leading up to her death, and we didn't get to see it.

JONATHAN, MARQUIS DE ZACCAL

Truly a pity. My father used to say she was, how do you say, a stone fox.

INT. MAGGIE'S DEATHBED

EVERYONE crowds around MAGGIE.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

Mama, I know you require peace in your final moments, but I must ask or I'll never have any again. Am I a Francobastard?

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

No.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

Um... are you sure?

PENELOPE WILTON enters.

PENELOPE WILTON

Her letters with Jonathan's father prove it.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Letters don't prove anything! And, Penelope, why have you done nothing in this film but sit around and peruse someone else's old mail?

PENELOPE WILTON

I would have liked a final verbal spar with Maggie, but I wasn't sure if she'd be up to it.

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

(snaps)

Of COURSE I'm up to it! I'm up to anything! Anything but lying prone and reading the worst lines I've ever been given! They turned the bitterness up to 11 and the wit down to 2! Almost all I've done is shit on everything everyone else is doing with the cynicism of a 10th grader who just watched Daria for the first time and didn't really get it! And THIS is the note on which my story ends for good? I'd rather this sequel OPENED with my funeral instead of prolonging it with two hours of meticulously costumed filler! Now

(actual last words)

stop talking, I can't hear myself die!

(does)

EVERYONE stands around, silently digesting the PROFUNDITY of her statement.

ALLEN LEECH

Oh, by the way, Tuppence is pregnant.

MAGGIE SMITH

(wakes up)

NOBODY CARES, YOU DAFT BEGGAR!

(dies again)

END