The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. SPACE SHIP
MARK WAHLBERG trains a genetically enhanced chimp and stuff.
STOCK ASTRONAUT CHARACTER
Mark. You got a postcard from home.
MARK WAHLBERG
Ah, great. This will probably be a message from my wife or girlfriend. Or perhaps I am a single father and it's from my child. Or maybe my loving parents.
The postcard message plays on the video screen.
GANG OF JERKS
Nope! It's from what appears to be your college buddies! We're drunk and obnoxious! That's right, Mark! You're single, alone, and you fight to get back home to US! Isn't that horribly disappointing?
MARK WAHLBERG
Dude, I was Marky Mark. I'm totally immune to disappointment.
MARK WAHLBERG'S CHIMP disappears after being sent to investigate a GENERIC SPACE ANOMALY.
MARK WAHLBERG
I'm going to get my monkey back.
(pause)
Jesus, I'm the greatest actor ever. I actually said that shit totally seriously with a straight face.
MARK steals a pod.
SHIP CAPTAIN
We're all somehow failing to see what you're doing, Mark.
Mark goes through the GENERIC SPACE ANOMALY as well. He crash lands on TIM BURTON'S PLANET OF THE APES.
EXT. PLANET OF THE APES
MARK emerges into the woods.
MARK WAHLBERG
Alright. I'm in the woods. Fine. Nothing out of the ordinary so far.
HUMANS, including ESTELLA WARREN and CHRIS KRISTOFFERSON, run around the woods.
MARK WAHLBERG
Hi there. I'm Mark Wahlberg. You're cute.. uh, have you ever seen Boogie Nights?
ESTELLA WARREN
We're being chased by giant Apes! What the hell are we doing in the middle of the woods? Wouldn't we stand a better chance out in the open.. or closer to water or something?
DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Hey! Be careful! I'm only giving you six lines in this movie and you just used one up!
ESTELLA nods understandingly.
KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
Come on Tim, give the girl a break.
DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Careful geezer, you only get three lines.
APES appear and kick some major ass! The humans are rounded up and caged!
MARK WAHLBERG
I'm being herded around like a dog and made into a slave by giant talking apes. You'd think my facial expression would at least show a little surprise. Seems like I can only feel the emotion of intense concentration.
INT. APE CITY
The humans are hauled past ape children playing. This is SILLY-LOOKING.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Children! Stop humaning around! Don't you have schoolwork to be doing?
CHILDREN
Awww shucks! We was playing Human In-The-Middle! We was having more fun than a barrel of humans!
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
That's enough of that.
PAUL GIAMATTI
Humans for sale! Humans for sale! I'm sniveling and obnoxious. Even when playing an ape I manage to be swine.
MARK WAHLBERG
Shut up, Pigvomit.
PAUL GIAMATTI
You can talk?!?!
MARK WAHLBERG
Yes. We can all talk. Unlike the first film, where it was shocking and frightening to the apes when Charlton Heston spoke, the humans are real chatterboxes here. This has removed the creepy alternate reality feeling from a movie which exists for little reason than to display a creepy alternate reality.
KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
You'd think that with the ability to talk we'd come up with better lines.
TIM BURTON
I'm warning you, previously credible actor Kris Kristofferson! One more line, and you're dead.
KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
Sorry.
TIM BURTON
That's it!
KRIS is killed in an ANTI-CLIMACTIC WAY.
ESTELLA WARREN
No! I care slightly!!!
MARK WAHLBERG
Helena Bonham Carter, you must help me escape.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
I find myself attracted to you, Mark Wahlberg of another species. I will help you.
MARK WAHLBERG
Alright. But we must also save model Estella Warren.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
(eyeing Estella)
Why do you want to save her? I bet she can't even throw her poop ten feet.
MARK WAHLBERG
Come on! I am intensely concentrating on getting us to the Forbidden Zone! I am receiving a signal from my ship there and I'm apparently so stupid that I don't understand that I've traveled through time and the ship is most likely in ruins.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
You're quite a thick-headed fool.
MARK WAHLBERG
Hey, I'm Mark Wahlberg, what do you expect? I was cast in the lead so the apes wouldn't look stupid by comparison.
TIM ROTH
(campy as hell)
Not so fast, you smelly human! I am Tim Roth! I sniff and speak in a ridiculously angry voice at all times! I am evil! I will oppose you every step of the way.
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
I am a general in the ape army. I am actually huge and intimidating with a scary voice that I don't have to fake. Yet Tim Roth is the badass. Tim Roth, for Seemos sakes! The guy comes up to my knee.
TIM ROTH
Look! The humans are escaping!
(brief pause)
They got away. Damn. I will now freak out and jump all over in a very silly fashion. I am over-the top and evil! I shall feast on his flesh and use his bones as weapons! Hell hath no fury like a chimpanzee scorned!
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN stares at TIM ROTH incredulously.
TIM ROTH
Look, I was under the impression Tim Burton would make one of his regularly campy movies, but the studio decided to make this their big summer draw and told Tim to tone the cheesiness down. I didn't get the memo. Lay off.
EXT. PLANET OF THE APES
The HEROS walk through the forest to get to the FORBIDDEN ZONE.
MARK WAHLBERG
Wow, that escape was ridiculously easy.
SHANG TSUNG
We were almost entirely unopposed.
MARK WAHLBERG
Who the fuck are you?
SHANG TSUNG
I am an ex-general. I have a vague and useless tension with Michael Clarke Duncan. It will come into play later, but not really.
They travel to the FORBIDDEN ZONE via HORSE.
EXT. FORBIDDEN ZONE
MARK finds his ship, SURPRISINGLY IN RUINS.
MARK WAHLBERG
No! The ship is in ruins! I didn't see that coming at all! Hey, according to the video display, I can find out the complete origin of the planet of the apes.
He does so.
MARK WAHLBERG
Wow, what a cool twist explanation.
DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Actually, that's not the twist. You'll know when it gets here, because I will be raping everyone in the audience at the time.
MARK WAHLBERG
Huh?
DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
You'll see.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Bad news, Mark. The entire ape army is coming after you.
MARK WAHLBERG
Just a second, I'm trying to use the computer to look up how the hell horses got on this planet.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
You don't understand! Our ape army is huge!
MARK WAHLBERG
Why the hell do you even have an army anyway? I mean, the apes are the only civilization on the planet. Do you really need a huge army to battle some weak, unarmed, unorganized humans?
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Tim Burton thought the helmets looked cool.
The other humans gather around, hailing MARK as their leader.
ESTELLA WARREN
They expect you to lead them in a revolution.
MARK WAHLBERG
Actually, you can all kiss my ass. I just want to get home to my obnoxious college pals. I've got a really shitty plan though, if anyone is interested.
Meanwhile...
INT. APE CITY
Gun control advocate TIM ROTH and NRA spokesman CHARLTON HESTON discuss how to beat the humans.
CHARLTON HESTON
Wow, you know the movie is full of overacting when I seem subdued. Anyway, Tim, you need to see something. It is the indicator of how intelligent and violent the humans are. It is extremely dangerous and can destroy us all.
TIM ROTH
It's a gun.
CHARLTON HESTON
Yes.
TIM ROTH
The item that shows the human capacity for violence and indicates how capable they are of destroying us is a gun. As pointed out by you, Charlton Heston.
CHARLTON HESTON
Look, I don't have much of a sense of irony. Get off my case.
TIM ROTH
Right. Well, I will now go growling and sniffing to Michael Clarke Duncan. We will lead our needlessly large ape army to destroy the humans.
EXT. FORBIDDEN ZONE
The humans are positioned and ready for a big fight.
MARK WAHLBERG
I hope my awful plan works.
The APE ARMY positions itself across from the HUMAN ARMY.
CHARLTON HESTON
(backstage, having ape makeup removed)
What the fuck? When did this franchise turn into Braveheart?
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
Charge!
The APE ARMY runs at the humans. When they get there, MARK starts the engine on his ship to start, unleashing an ENORMOUS FIREBALL onto the APE ARMY. The explosion sends apes flying all over the place.
ESTELLA WARREN
Alright! We blew them to pieces!
MARK WAHLBERG
Nah, the nuclear reactor has merely knocked them down for a moment or two. My plan was to make them slightly distracted so we could move in and attack them hand-to hand.
HUMAN ARMY
Er... What?
MARK WAHLBERG
Hurry! Attack while they're still mildly confused!
The HUMAN ARMY reluctantly attacks the HUGE, STRONG, ARMORED APES with their PUNY HUMAN FISTS.
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
(tossing humans about)
Are you all complete idiots?
HUMAN ARMY
(getting whupped on)
Hey, Mark Wahlberg is our leader.
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
Say no more.
SHANG TSUNG
The time has come for our vague animosity to play itself out.
They fight for a frame or two.
MARK WAHLBERG
We're being completely schooled. This was one of the worst ideas ever. I'm starting to think maybe we deserve to be enslaved.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
The only thing that can save us now is an anti-climactic deus ex machina!
Suddenly, MARK'S CHIMP flies in and lands.
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
It is our vaguely defined satirical but-not-offensively-so deity figure! He has returned! He's obviously less evolved than us, but let's worship him anyway!
They kneel. MARK'S CHIMP embraces MARK.
MARK WAHLBERG
You see everyone? Humans and apes CAN get along! Particularly when the human is the ape's master.
MICHAEL CLARK DUNCAN
Truly, things will be different from now on, Mark Wahlberg. I foresee humans and apes living together as one society.
(pause)
Until you leave. Then we're going to beat the shit out of them again.
MARK WAHLBERG
Well whatever. I'm going to hop in this escape pod, go through the vague space anomaly, and hopefully arrive at home.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
One day, they'll tell a story - and some will say it was just a fairy tale - about a human that came from the stars and changed our world.
TIM ROTH
You didn't get the memo either, did you Helena?
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
What memo?
MARK WAHLBERG
I'm now going to kiss you in order to avoid you unleashing any more lines like that.
They kiss. The AUDIENCE fidgets in their seats nervously.
ESTELLA WARREN
There has not been a single thing in this movie leading up to this besides our genders being different, but I will now kiss you anyway.
They kiss too.
MARK WAHLBERG
Well, I have two females to choose from here.. but I'm going to hop into my pod anyway, with no guarantee that I will get to Earth, or even survive. In fact, if I am even remotely successful and simply get back to the point where I left, I will meet back with my friends on the ship before they crashed on this planet and I will be able to warn them, thus not letting the ship crash and destroying the entire planet of the apes, including those of you I seem to have bonded with.
(pause)
But hey, it's worth the risk. I have annoying friends waiting for me back home. Bye.
He hops in his ship, goes through the GENERIC SPACE ANOMALY, and arrives on EARTH.
EXT. EARTH
MARK approaches the LINCOLN MEMORIAL. He stares at it quizzically and frightened, almost showing an emotion other than concentration.
MARK WAHLBERG
I don't believe it...
As he nears closer, we see that where the Lincoln Memorial used to be is...
MARK WAHLBERG
The David Schwimmer Memorial! Nooo!
DAVID SCHWIMMER
That's right! While you were gone, The Earth's monkeys began to hail me as their king!
MARK WAHLBERG
It can't be...
DAVID SCHWIMMER
It can and is! Televisions only play Friends and made-for-tv movie Breast Men while movie theaters only show The Pallbearer and Kissing a Fool!
MARK'S knees buckle and he falls to the ground, clenching his fists and pounding them against the earth.
MARK WAHLBERG
You fools! You've finally done it!
(pause)
Hey, 20th Century Fox executives! I'm talking to you! You've finally done it! Five shitty sequels couldn't pull it off, but you finally managed to destroy the original Planet of the Apes. I hope you're proud.
FOX EXECS
Hey, don't blame us. You know that theory that a million chimps with a million typewriters could reproduce the works of Shakespeare? Well, it actually turns out they all write this script.
The AUDIENCE shuffles out, trying to make sense out of the SURPRISE ENDING.
END