FADE IN:

INT. SPACE SHIP

MARK WAHLBERG trains a genetically enhanced chimp and stuff.

STOCK ASTRONAUT CHARACTER

Mark. You got a postcard from home.

MARK WAHLBERG

Ah, great. This will probably be a message from my wife or girlfriend. Or perhaps I am a single father and it's from my child. Or maybe my loving parents.

The postcard message plays on the video screen.

GANG OF JERKS

Nope! It's from what appears to be your college buddies! We're drunk and obnoxious! That's right, Mark! You're single, alone, and you fight to get back home to US! Isn't that horribly disappointing?

MARK WAHLBERG

Dude, I was Marky Mark. I'm totally immune to disappointment.

MARK WAHLBERG'S CHIMP disappears after being sent to investigate a GENERIC SPACE ANOMALY.

MARK WAHLBERG

I'm going to get my monkey back.

(pause)

Jesus, I'm the greatest actor ever. I actually said that shit totally seriously with a straight face.

MARK steals a pod.

SHIP CAPTAIN

We're all somehow failing to see what you're doing, Mark.

Mark goes through the GENERIC SPACE ANOMALY as well. He crash lands on TIM BURTON'S PLANET OF THE APES.

EXT. PLANET OF THE APES

MARK emerges into the woods.

MARK WAHLBERG

Alright. I'm in the woods. Fine. Nothing out of the ordinary so far.

HUMANS, including ESTELLA WARREN and CHRIS KRISTOFFERSON, run around the woods.

MARK WAHLBERG

Hi there. I'm Mark Wahlberg. You're cute.. uh, have you ever seen Boogie Nights?

ESTELLA WARREN

We're being chased by giant Apes! What the hell are we doing in the middle of the woods? Wouldn't we stand a better chance out in the open.. or closer to water or something?

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON

Hey! Be careful! I'm only giving you six lines in this movie and you just used one up!

ESTELLA nods understandingly.

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

Come on Tim, give the girl a break.

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON

Careful geezer, you only get three lines.

APES appear and kick some major ass! The humans are rounded up and caged!

MARK WAHLBERG

I'm being herded around like a dog and made into a slave by giant talking apes. You'd think my facial expression would at least show a little surprise. Seems like I can only feel the emotion of intense concentration.

INT. APE CITY

The humans are hauled past ape children playing. This is SILLY-LOOKING.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Children! Stop humaning around! Don't you have schoolwork to be doing?

CHILDREN

Awww shucks! We was playing Human In-The-Middle! We was having more fun than a barrel of humans!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

That's enough of that.

PAUL GIAMATTI

Humans for sale! Humans for sale! I'm sniveling and obnoxious. Even when playing an ape I manage to be swine.

MARK WAHLBERG

Shut up, Pigvomit.

PAUL GIAMATTI

You can talk?!?!

MARK WAHLBERG

Yes. We can all talk. Unlike the first film, where it was shocking and frightening to the apes when Charlton Heston spoke, the humans are real chatterboxes here. This has removed the creepy alternate reality feeling from a movie which exists for little reason than to display a creepy alternate reality.

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

You'd think that with the ability to talk we'd come up with better lines.

TIM BURTON

I'm warning you, previously credible actor Kris Kristofferson! One more line, and you're dead.

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

Sorry.

TIM BURTON

That's it!

KRIS is killed in an ANTI-CLIMACTIC WAY.

ESTELLA WARREN

No! I care slightly!!!

MARK WAHLBERG

Helena Bonham Carter, you must help me escape.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

I find myself attracted to you, Mark Wahlberg of another species. I will help you.

MARK WAHLBERG

Alright. But we must also save model Estella Warren.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

(eyeing Estella)

Why do you want to save her? I bet she can't even throw her poop ten feet.

MARK WAHLBERG

Come on! I am intensely concentrating on getting us to the Forbidden Zone! I am receiving a signal from my ship there and I'm apparently so stupid that I don't understand that I've traveled through time and the ship is most likely in ruins.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

You're quite a thick-headed fool.

MARK WAHLBERG

Hey, I'm Mark Wahlberg, what do you expect? I was cast in the lead so the apes wouldn't look stupid by comparison.

TIM ROTH

(campy as hell)

Not so fast, you smelly human! I am Tim Roth! I sniff and speak in a ridiculously angry voice at all times! I am evil! I will oppose you every step of the way.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

I am a general in the ape army. I am actually huge and intimidating with a scary voice that I don't have to fake. Yet Tim Roth is the badass. Tim Roth, for Seemos sakes! The guy comes up to my knee.

TIM ROTH

Look! The humans are escaping!

(brief pause)

They got away. Damn. I will now freak out and jump all over in a very silly fashion. I am over-the top and evil! I shall feast on his flesh and use his bones as weapons! Hell hath no fury like a chimpanzee scorned!

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN stares at TIM ROTH incredulously.

TIM ROTH

Look, I was under the impression Tim Burton would make one of his regularly campy movies, but the studio decided to make this their big summer draw and told Tim to tone the cheesiness down. I didn't get the memo. Lay off.

EXT. PLANET OF THE APES

The HEROS walk through the forest to get to the FORBIDDEN ZONE.

MARK WAHLBERG

Wow, that escape was ridiculously easy.

SHANG TSUNG

We were almost entirely unopposed.

MARK WAHLBERG

Who the fuck are you?

SHANG TSUNG

I am an ex-general. I have a vague and useless tension with Michael Clarke Duncan. It will come into play later, but not really.

They travel to the FORBIDDEN ZONE via HORSE.

EXT. FORBIDDEN ZONE

MARK finds his ship, SURPRISINGLY IN RUINS.

MARK WAHLBERG

No! The ship is in ruins! I didn't see that coming at all! Hey, according to the video display, I can find out the complete origin of the planet of the apes.

He does so.

MARK WAHLBERG

Wow, what a cool twist explanation.

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON

Actually, that's not the twist. You'll know when it gets here, because I will be raping everyone in the audience at the time.

MARK WAHLBERG

Huh?

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON

You'll see.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Bad news, Mark. The entire ape army is coming after you.

MARK WAHLBERG

Just a second, I'm trying to use the computer to look up how the hell horses got on this planet.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

You don't understand! Our ape army is huge!

MARK WAHLBERG

Why the hell do you even have an army anyway? I mean, the apes are the only civilization on the planet. Do you really need a huge army to battle some weak, unarmed, unorganized humans?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Tim Burton thought the helmets looked cool.

The other humans gather around, hailing MARK as their leader.

ESTELLA WARREN

They expect you to lead them in a revolution.

MARK WAHLBERG

Actually, you can all kiss my ass. I just want to get home to my obnoxious college pals. I've got a really shitty plan though, if anyone is interested.

Meanwhile...

INT. APE CITY

Gun control advocate TIM ROTH and NRA spokesman CHARLTON HESTON discuss how to beat the humans.

CHARLTON HESTON

Wow, you know the movie is full of overacting when I seem subdued. Anyway, Tim, you need to see something. It is the indicator of how intelligent and violent the humans are. It is extremely dangerous and can destroy us all.

TIM ROTH

It's a gun.

CHARLTON HESTON

Yes.

TIM ROTH

The item that shows the human capacity for violence and indicates how capable they are of destroying us is a gun. As pointed out by you, Charlton Heston.

CHARLTON HESTON

Look, I don't have much of a sense of irony. Get off my case.

TIM ROTH

Right. Well, I will now go growling and sniffing to Michael Clarke Duncan. We will lead our needlessly large ape army to destroy the humans.

EXT. FORBIDDEN ZONE

The humans are positioned and ready for a big fight.

MARK WAHLBERG

I hope my awful plan works.

The APE ARMY positions itself across from the HUMAN ARMY.

CHARLTON HESTON

(backstage, having ape makeup removed)

What the fuck? When did this franchise turn into Braveheart?

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

Charge!

The APE ARMY runs at the humans. When they get there, MARK starts the engine on his ship to start, unleashing an ENORMOUS FIREBALL onto the APE ARMY. The explosion sends apes flying all over the place.

ESTELLA WARREN

Alright! We blew them to pieces!

MARK WAHLBERG

Nah, the nuclear reactor has merely knocked them down for a moment or two. My plan was to make them slightly distracted so we could move in and attack them hand-to hand.

HUMAN ARMY

Er... What?

MARK WAHLBERG

Hurry! Attack while they're still mildly confused!

The HUMAN ARMY reluctantly attacks the HUGE, STRONG, ARMORED APES with their PUNY HUMAN FISTS.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

(tossing humans about)

Are you all complete idiots?

HUMAN ARMY

(getting whupped on)

Hey, Mark Wahlberg is our leader.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

Say no more.

SHANG TSUNG

The time has come for our vague animosity to play itself out.

They fight for a frame or two.

MARK WAHLBERG

We're being completely schooled. This was one of the worst ideas ever. I'm starting to think maybe we deserve to be enslaved.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

The only thing that can save us now is an anti-climactic deus ex machina!

Suddenly, MARK'S CHIMP flies in and lands.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

It is our vaguely defined satirical but-not-offensively-so deity figure! He has returned! He's obviously less evolved than us, but let's worship him anyway!

They kneel. MARK'S CHIMP embraces MARK.

MARK WAHLBERG

You see everyone? Humans and apes CAN get along! Particularly when the human is the ape's master.

MICHAEL CLARK DUNCAN

Truly, things will be different from now on, Mark Wahlberg. I foresee humans and apes living together as one society.

(pause)

Until you leave. Then we're going to beat the shit out of them again.

MARK WAHLBERG

Well whatever. I'm going to hop in this escape pod, go through the vague space anomaly, and hopefully arrive at home.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

One day, they'll tell a story - and some will say it was just a fairy tale - about a human that came from the stars and changed our world.

TIM ROTH

You didn't get the memo either, did you Helena?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

What memo?

MARK WAHLBERG

I'm now going to kiss you in order to avoid you unleashing any more lines like that.

They kiss. The AUDIENCE fidgets in their seats nervously.

ESTELLA WARREN

There has not been a single thing in this movie leading up to this besides our genders being different, but I will now kiss you anyway.

They kiss too.

MARK WAHLBERG

Well, I have two females to choose from here.. but I'm going to hop into my pod anyway, with no guarantee that I will get to Earth, or even survive. In fact, if I am even remotely successful and simply get back to the point where I left, I will meet back with my friends on the ship before they crashed on this planet and I will be able to warn them, thus not letting the ship crash and destroying the entire planet of the apes, including those of you I seem to have bonded with.

(pause)

But hey, it's worth the risk. I have annoying friends waiting for me back home. Bye.

He hops in his ship, goes through the GENERIC SPACE ANOMALY, and arrives on EARTH.

EXT. EARTH

MARK approaches the LINCOLN MEMORIAL. He stares at it quizzically and frightened, almost showing an emotion other than concentration.

MARK WAHLBERG

I don't believe it...

As he nears closer, we see that where the Lincoln Memorial used to be is...

MARK WAHLBERG

The David Schwimmer Memorial! Nooo!

DAVID SCHWIMMER

That's right! While you were gone, The Earth's monkeys began to hail me as their king!

MARK WAHLBERG

It can't be...

DAVID SCHWIMMER

It can and is! Televisions only play Friends and made-for-tv movie Breast Men while movie theaters only show The Pallbearer and Kissing a Fool!

MARK'S knees buckle and he falls to the ground, clenching his fists and pounding them against the earth.

MARK WAHLBERG

You fools! You've finally done it!

(pause)

Hey, 20th Century Fox executives! I'm talking to you! You've finally done it! Five shitty sequels couldn't pull it off, but you finally managed to destroy the original Planet of the Apes. I hope you're proud.

FOX EXECS

Hey, don't blame us. You know that theory that a million chimps with a million typewriters could reproduce the works of Shakespeare? Well, it actually turns out they all write this script.

The AUDIENCE shuffles out, trying to make sense out of the SURPRISE ENDING.

END