FADE IN:

INT. STRIP CLUB

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY stands on a stage grabbing his junk and his ass.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

ALLRIGHTALLRIGHTALLRIGHT! This is a MALE STRIPPER MOVIE! You all have been lured here to watch men dance in thongs comically. You have probably temporarily forgotten this is a Steven Soderbergh movie. You might even feel emotions later. Enjoy!

INT. CHANNING TATUM'S HOUSE

CHANNING TATUM and OLIVIA MUNN wake up naked.

CHANNING TATUM

I will waste no time showing my ass because I worked out hard for this role. The one for this movie, which I also produced, which is based on my experience and is directed by an Oscar winning director. That's what me, Channing Tatum, has been up to. Oh and I'm waking up next to beautiful naked lady strangers.

OLIVIA MUNN

Oh yeah another lady is in the bed. I guess we had a threesome last night. Edgy! Hey cool coffee table. Where did you get it?

CHANNING TATUM

I made that from shit washed up on the beach. I'm planning on starting my own business as soon as people care about buying furniture made from shit that was washed up on the beach. I'm creative, talented, hardworking and I dance naked really well. I also have feelings and will try to look like I feel them later.

CHANNING goes to work at his construction job where he meets ALEX PETTYFER.

CHANNING TATUM

Who the fuck are you?

ALEX PETTYFER

I'm Alex. Girls like me.

CHANNING TATUM

Which girls?

ALEX PETTYFER

Lots of girls. I have a tattoo that means "thank you" above my dick. That's too tasteless even for this movie so nobody will get a glimpse of it, but girls love that kind of thing.

CHANNING TATUM

Sure they do.

ALEX PETTYFER

I lied about my experience to get this job, my car won't start, and I sleep on my sister's sofa. You wouldn't happen to know a way I can make money would you?

Later that night, ALEX wonders around looking unwashed and gross. He runs into CHANNING at a club where they bring drinks to some girls.

CHANNING TATUM

Hey ladies, come see my stripper show. It's called Xquisite.

ALEX PETTYFER

It can't possibly actually be called that.

It IS.

INT. XQUISITE

CHANNING introduces ALEX to the owner, MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY, his business partner, GABRIEL IGLESIAS, and strippers JOE MANGANIELLO, MATT BOMER, ADAM RODRIGUEZ and KEVIN NASH.

JOE MANGANIELLO

My bone structure and body have kept me from needing to cultivate talent or personality. I want to show more range, so here is a close up of my dong in a penis pump.

MATT, CHANNING and ADAM dance while JOE and KEVIN move their limbs mechanically. After their introduction, KEVIN is found unconscious.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

I'm not concerned for him because the show must go on. Hey new guy, ignore what I said earlier about you being too young and go take your clothes off onstage.

ALEX PETTYFER

Seriously? I'm wearing a sweatshirt and dirty jeans. And I'm nineteen. And I'm pretty sure I need a license. Did I mention I'm a teenager?

ALEX goes onstage and takes off his clothes. Then he stuffs some cash in his ass, and tries to suck the face off a girl. After the show, MATTHEW and CHANNING talk business.

CHANNING TATUM

Here is where we establish that I'm working with you to own a part of this group so I can have some equity. We are going to say the word "equity" a lot and even spell it a few times.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Because a man who wears a leather vest and chaps is a man you should go into business with.

The next morning, CHANNING and ALEX go to the apartment where ALEX lives with his sister, CODY HORN.

CODY HORN

My acting makes January Jones look charismatic.

CHANNING TATUM

I can relate. I'm an entrepreneur.

CODY HORN

We get it. You have ambition.

ALEX gets dance lessons from MATTHEW and buys thongs with CHANNING. He is ready to be a stripper.

INT. XQUISITE

CODY watches as ALEX, her brother, strips off his clothes.

CHANNING TATUM

Hey Cody. By entrepreneur, I meant stripper.

CODY HORN

I see.

CHANNING goes on the stage, humps it, and sticks his face in a lady's crotch.

CODY HORN

I'm starting to feel REALLY embarrassed for this audience. Wait a minute, I am in the audience. Hey...

CUT TO:

INT. BANK

CHANNING tries to get a loan for his furniture business from banker BETSY BRANDT.

BETSY BRANDT

Since you brought your down payment in a stack of sticky bills, I can't give you a loan.

CHANNING TATUM

But I brought a portfolio and everything!

BETSY BRANDT

This is reminiscent of better movie, with a better actor, who also worked in the sexyness business and tried to get a loan. Perhaps on your way home you'll stop by a doughnut shop where a robbery goes awry and you can steal the cash, because I'm not giving you a loan.

CHANNING TATUM

This is when I start feeling things. Can you see it? I'm pathetic and sad.

BETSY BRANDT

I see that. Good luck with Buck's Super Cool Stereo World or whatever.

CHANNING goes to CODY'S house dressed as MARILYN MONROE for no reason other than to see CHANNING TATUM dressed as MARILYN MONROE. Everybody goes to a beach party where OLIVIA shows up.

EXT. BEACH

OLIVIA MUNN

Cody's hot. Lets fuck her.

CHANNING TATUM

She seems nice-

OLIVIA MUNN

I said fuck her not take her out to dinner. Jesus did I just say that? Who wrote this? MAXIM?

CHANNING TATUM

Apparently if you're an uninhibited woman having casual sex, you must also act like a boorish horny old man nobody can relate to. There is no sliding room between your character and a virginal schoolmarm who knits doilies for fun. Madonna or whore. Get it?

OLIVIA MUNN

That's incredibly insulting. If I had balls I'd be scratching them right now.

CHANNING TATUM

We could have used Cody to counteract that ideology, but her character is as complex as choosing new mouthwash.

CODY and CHANNING walk along the seashore and bond.

INT. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY'S HOUSE

Everybody is partying and drinking. MATTHEW has an announcement to make.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Pardon the décor in here, I styled it after gonorrhea. Anyway, we're going to open another Xquisite in Miami! Drugs for everybody!

GABRIEL IGLESIAS

Hey Alex, hold large quantities of drugs for me.

MATT BOMER

Hey Alex, bone my wife.

ALEX PETTYFER

All Right!

Later, CHANNING and ALEX go to a sorority party where they get into a fight with the girls' boyfriends. In their tiny thongs. It is VERY awkward.

CHANNING TATUM

What the hell happened? I mean other than the fact that boyfriends were invited to a party where male strippers were also invited?

ALEX PETTYFER

I gave some ecstasy to a girl and I left a lot of drugs there. But I don't care about that because I'm really dumb and also because Matthew said I can be in business with you guys.

INT. XQUISITE

MATTHEW is pissed about the sorority party and yells at CHANNING.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

I hope I look like I sweat bacon grease right now. I'm disgusting. That business situation was mostly bullshit, you moron.

CHANNING TATUM

Fuck you asshole! I'll show you by doing a routine while keeping my clothes on. Because that's my idea of getting even? REALLY? Yeah I'm getting even by dancing with clothes on!

He DOES. And then and does a lot of drugs.

INT. CHANNING'S HOUSE

CHANNING tries to talk to OLIVIA about something other than fucking because he's SENSITIVE. OLIVIA is not.

CHANNING TATUM

So you're getting a degree in social studies?

OLIVIA MUNN

Yes. I'm getting a degree in social studies and my minor is in yearbook. You're seriously dumb and I've been engaged this whole time. See ya.

CODY shows up because ALEX didn't come home. They find him face down in his own vomit.

CHANNING TATUM

Ha! Look a piglet is eating his vomit. Yes Steven, we see you there.

CODY HORN

Enjoy your appletinis ladies. Cheers!

ALEX PETTYFER

Hey guys, I'm fine. It's not that serious.

DRUG GUYS search CHANNING'S house looking for money because drugs are bad.

GABRIEL IGLESIAS

Don't do drugs kids. But if you do, definitely don't lose somebody else's drugs.

CHANNING TATUM

I'll pay you for the drugs Alex lost out of my furniture business money. I'm THAT nice of a guy.

INT. CODY'S APARTMENT

CHANNING TATUM

Hey Cody, I bailed on my show to symbolically show growth and to become better boyfriend material. And I also look like I'm trying to look thoughtful. How does it look?

CODY HORN

It looks like Soderbergh likes to hire people to act in his movies who have extraordinary talents that do not include acting. Since other than you, he's also hired Gina Carano and Sasha Grey.

CHANNING TATUM

Yeah, those women are champs. Anyway, I like you. Do you like me?

She does. They sit at a kitchen table and smile at each other.

CHANNING TATUM

So this is it? I introduce Alex to a decadent lifestyle only to leave him there, alone, with shady characters? And I'm pretty sure he and I have a drug problem.

CODY HORN

I guess so. If you want to watch an introspective movie about something unconventional that doesn't insult its own audience, watch "Boogie Nights" instead.

End