FADE IN:

INT. RUSSIAN OPERA HOUSE / EXT. RUSSIAN PARK

JENNIFER LAWRENCE is lead BALLERINA for prestigious Russian ballet company. She set new RECORD of most CURVES for ballerina, break old record of NONE. She give many rich skeezy old men BONERS with her BALLET and HIPS.

Meanwhile JOEL EDGERTON is SPY, he meet with mysterious figure in PARK. COPS notice!

COPS

HEY WHAT YOU GUYS UP TO, HOPE NOT INTERFERING WITH FOREIGN ELECTION, IS BIG NO-NO HERE IN GLORIOUS MOTHER RUSSIA

JOEL EDGERTON

Oh shit!

(fires gun into ground)

HEY OVER HERE! ARREST MEEE

COPS

HE HAVE GUN! Quick, ignore other criminal completely as he stroll past us, seriously would take two seconds to catch him, everyone chase that one guy!!

JOEL run from COPS and reach AMERICAN EMBASSY. Meanwhile JENNIFER approach big finish of BALLET.

MALE LEAD

Oopsie!! I make jump and accidentally land full weight on Jennifer's shin! And I accidentally wear concrete shoes and WHOOOPS bash exposed bone with metal bat!! Hey who left anvil lying around WHOOOOOPS

JENNIFER'S LEG smoosh like BORSCHT and career is NYET now. This begin origin story of RED SPARROW.

INT. JENNIFER'S HOUSE - MONTHS LATER

JENNIFER mope around house with bad leg. She has visit from creepy government uncle MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Will be shame when ballet company stops paying for house. You and sick mother will live in cabbage patch, eat only cabbage, wear clothes of cabbage, drink vodka made from cabbage. Also, understudy is fucking male lead, they conspire against you. Here is photos.

JENNIFER limp into RAGE, hobble to BALLET HOUSE, and sure enough find UNDERSTUDY all over MALE LEAD'S NUTCRACKER in change room. JENNIFER kick SHIT out of them, then phone it in.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

What you say about performance?!?

No no, she phone POLICE to call in CRIME. Most sorry. You do great job of displaying impassive facade to conceal true self from entire world, including audience.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Well done, niece. Now if you do favour, I keep you from jail.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Why not ask this favour to keep mother and I from losing house? We could have skipped whole step with steamy fucking scene and left out extra sex and nudity OH WAIT LIGHT BULB

INT. FANCY HOTEL

JENNIFER sent to entice SKEEZY OLD FUCK back to room. She does with such ease, makes one think any random operative in sexy dress could have accomplished.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Would be MUCH more sexy if you had no guards and were defenceless...

SKEEZY OLD FUCK

Da! Cannot see downside to request, what could

(murdered!)

SKEEZY OLD FUCK is murdered good by ruthless Russian operative MOTORCYCLE SUIT GUY, who then take JENNIFER to safe house where UNCLE is.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Excellent! You do splendid job of being present while Skeezy Old Fuck get himself killed. You will be great Red Sparrow.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Perhaps I rather be Captain Russia or Iron Curtain or Red Hulk or Spider-Babushka or

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

No no no, this happening! And you cannot reveal skeezoid was assassinated, we must maintain flawless illusion of shiny happy Russia where these things NEVER EVER happen, ha ha.

INT. CIA BUILDING

Meanwhile CIA AGENT JOEL meets up with his CIA SUPERIORS for debriefing.

SAKINA JAFFREY

This better be good Joel, I have a whole other situation going on with Rittenhouse agents trying to stop Althea Gibson from winning the 1958 Forest Hills tennis championship COUGHCOUGHRENEWTIMELESSCOUGH

JOEL EDGERTON

The other guy in the park was my secret mole contact, and we gotta protect his identity! All we saw in that first scene is that the mole is tall and lanky. Since it's gotta be a famous actor, that narrows it down to...

(checks cast list)

...either Jeremy Irons who is tall and lanky, or Ciaran Hinds who is not. Yep, it's a real poser!!

SAKINA JAFFREY

So what do you suggest?

JOEL EDGERTON

I think if I wander around Hungary long enough, our mole will eventually make contact. Then we activate the awesome second part of my plan which is

INT. RUSSIAN BOARDING SCHOOL

JENNIFER taken to secret boarding school and meet headmistress CHARLOTTE RAMPLING.

CHARLOTTE RAMPLING

Welcome to rape school, we teach you to be Sparrow. Classes include seduction, rape, lockpicking, rape, lockraping, rapepicking, rapeonomics, applied rape, raping moose and squirrel, and also one elective credit. Which is rape.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I see, this teach me to use body as weapon, become dehumanized so I can manipulate people. Do we also learn other spy skills like computers, self-defence, anything?

CHARLOTTE RAMPLING

Oh yes, computers, very important. Piotr, show how we get information from computer.

MALE STUDENT

HELLO COMPUTER I INTRODUCE YOU TO HOT RUSSIAN SINGLE

(rapes computer terminal)

(fucks modem)

(electrocutes self)

(dick explodes)

(dies)

CHARLOTTE RAMPLING

Excellent, A-plus Piotr. Sadly is hard to be excellent Sparrow and also survive Sparrow training.

JENNIFER proceed to do exact opposite of everything CHARLOTTE says so naturally she is made SPARROW and sent after JOEL EDGERTON.

INT. APARTMENT - HUNGARY

JENNIFER given apartment with THEKLA REUTEN who is also SPARROW.

THEKLA REUTEN

Welcome. We get along fine as long as you not interfere with my mission of corrupting American bureaucrat Mary Louise Parker. Look, I have photos where we laugh and drink wine together, bwah ha ha! Such incriminating these photos.

JENNIFER learn that JOEL spend time at gym with pool, so she head over, strut about in sexy swimsuit to get JOEL'S attention.

JOEL EDGERTON

Hey wait a sec. You signed your REAL name in the guest book, not your spy name, knowing full well I'd find it. So do you blow everything as hard as your cover?

(grins)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Don't you see Joel. By fucking over my superior's plans, means you can trust me.

JOEL EDGERTON

Your total ineptitude at spying makes me think you could be a great DOUBLE spy, which is twice as hard.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Is what she said. Ha ha, I make bad American joke, further show of trust.

INT. BACK AT JENNIFER'S PLACE

JENNIFER is confront by THEKLA.

THEKLA REUTEN

You tamper with Mary Louise photos! Tell me what is deal already.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(sighs)

Very well. But this very sensitive information.

(looks around)

(whispers)

Is because I help them kill Skeezy Old-

MOTORCYCLE SUIT GUY

(leaps in)

(MURDERS THE FUCK out of Tekla)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

HOLY, WHAT FUCK DUDE?!

MOTORCYCLE SUIT GUY

NOBODY can know big terrible secret! And don't blab herring soup recipe either, I share that in confidence!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Which terrible secret again? I forget.

MOTORCYCLE SUIT GUY

That you helped... ahhh nice try, if I say aloud, would have to kill myself. Not today, Sparrow! Now explain why we should still trust you.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Um, because, I will handle Mary Louise instead and do better job than stupid dead Tekla. You see, by ruining her plans, I am even better spy.

(wink to camera)

INT. FANCY HOTEL

JENNIFER meet with MARY-LOUISE PARKER who use her political position to betray country for quick buck, and where DO these crazy screenwriters get such wacky ideas.

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

(shitfaced)

Okay, here's a batch of disks full of classified info, gimme my weed, I mean, cash!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Da, here is money. Now I take disks to other room, and come back with VERY SAME DISKS, wink wink, to hand over to Russian superiors, wink. No way have I kept real disks for Americans, ha ha.

MARY-LOUISE take her suitcase of money outside.

MARY-LOUISE PARKER

Waaait a sec... that guy is watching me! Aaaand... so is that guy! Funny how I can spot these government tails through my drunken haze but not the ten-ton truck speeding towards my

(squoosh!)

JOEL EDGERTON

Shit, she spotted us! And is dead! The operation's fucked! I gotta get Jennifer out of there before-

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Nyet. With shake of head I signal you to stand down. Don't you see Joel, I can use catastrophic failure of mission to become even better spy.

JOEL EDGERTON

This is kind of your signature move, huh.

INT. RUSSIAN SECRET PRISON

JENNIFER get EXTRA SPECIAL TORTURED to show she is REALLY COMMITTED TO ROLE until finally MATTHIAS shows up again.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

So you blow cover, get other Sparrow killed, fuck her plan, and get our American asset also killed. Are you prepared to admit you work for CIA?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Don't you see uncle. By ruining all plans and betraying you, now Americans REALLY trust me and I can DOUBLE betray them, I am best spy ever.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Cannot argue with that, back in field with you!

INT. JOEL'S APARTMENT

JENNIFER finds JOEL back at apartment which he still use even though location known to entire Russian government.

JOEL EDGERTON

Holy shit you're alive?!?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Yes. They release me so I can come back and double betray you, find mole.

JOEL EDGERTON

Er...

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Don't you see Joel. By revealing entire plan to you and DOUBLE DOUBLE betraying Matthias, now you can REALLY REALLY trust me.

JENNIFER proceed to earn more of JOEL'S trust, let him DECIPHER her ENIGMA CODE, if you catch drift. Is to say, they spend many hours playing HIDE-THE-POLONIUM. Anyway JENNIFER wake up middle of night, see JOEL being strangled by MOTORCYCLE SUIT GUY!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Ah good idea, we torture him until he reveal identity of mole.

MOTORCYCLE SUIT GUY

Damn right, why the fuck we not try this AGES ago?!? This is awesome plan!! Look, I have special industrial cheese-slicer that can peel off Joel's flesh, all super thin.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Ooh I shall help! Can put flesh peels in deep frier, make American chips, ha ha.

MOTORCYCLE SUIT GUY

Excellent! Wait second, you betraying Joel means... you actually are HELPING--

(bashed in face!!)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

YES YES IS WHAT I DO OKAY

(wails on Motorcycle Suit Guy)

There is big FIGHT and JENNIFER manage to KILL MOTORCYCLE SUIT GUY! She and JOEL taken to HOSPITAL.

INT. HOSPITAL

JOEL admitted to HUMAN PARMESAN CHEESE wing and JENNIFER assess situation.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

This suck. Now I am clearly working for Americans.

JEREMY IRONS

But wait! Shockingly, the tall slender mole from the opening scene was NOT Ciaran Hinds, but me! Turn me in, and you can say everything you did was to expose me. You'll be a hero and can then TRULY be the best spy ever.

JENNIFER call CIARAN and she give him name, but we don't hear. Why would we? We already KNOW she giving up Jeremy Irons, no need to spell out. Would be waste of time, we move on now.

EXT. RUNWAY AT NIGHT

JOEL trade JENNIFER back to RUSSIANS in exchange for mole... but is MATTHIAS, whaaa?!?!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Yes uncle, I give your name, also I plant lots of evidence over course of movie to frame you. Here is montage to prove it. But don't you see, by destroying your life and DOUBLE DOUBLE DOUBLE betraying you, now you can SUPER DUPER REALLY REALLY trust me, at least for last minutes of life before you get assassinated.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Is true. Ah, why these exchanges always late at night with 83,000 places to hide snipers, is ridiculous.

(killed)

INT. JENNIFER'S HOUSE

JENNIFER is safe at home with mother!, she is big Russian hero now. She answers PHONE.

JOEL EDGERTON

(plays music over the phone)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Da, receiving obvious coded message over landline is not suspicious in least. Um, if anyone listening in, I am being traitor just to gain American trust, and be most bestest spy of all time! Mother Russia! Joel, I say this just to gain Russian trust and be great CIA spy. Obviously I say THAT to be even better Russian spy! But seriously Joel

END