FADE IN:

EXT. REMOTE COAST WHERE COMFORTABLY RICH PEOPLE LIVE WITHOUT WORRIES

ASHLEY JUDD lives the happy COASTAL LUXURY LIFE with BRUCE GREENWOOD. He is rich because he played BATMAN in a few DC ANIMATED MOVIES and now he thinks he is BRUCE WAYNE.

ASHLEY JUDD

Ah, my big thriller movie debut at the end of the 90s era. A time when atmosphere and line delivery took a giant backseat to showing how AOL internet worked. We are so cyber punk!

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Hello, my loving wife who I would never set up for a murder. Can I just mention how much I love you and our 4-year-old son? Can I also mention how I desire both of you to be with me in the future?

ANNABETH GISH

Yes, Ashley. As your best friend and/or personal maid, I echo that sentiment completely. I am so glad to be deeply connected to a friendship with you.

(notices Bruce)

It's not like I have any affairs with this guy over here.

(laughs)

(gives Bruce full body massage)

(whispers French words in his ear)

(plans entire future with him)

ASHLEY JUDD

I agree with both of you. I have my son whom I adore and my husband whom I love to death, his or mine. I am as blessed as Frank Castle in those Punisher movies. I always wondered what happens to him after he says he is thankful for his wife?

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Let me just take a few seconds to clearly establish three paintings I have on my wall. I need everyone to memorize them, honor their importance, and know intimately how unique and rare they are. If you ever see these paintings in any setting, please recognize that they are my paintings and thus you can be sure that I am near them.

(tells everyone about paintings within a three mile radius)

But now I have something special planned for the wife I would never betray. You know how there is a mid-sized sail boat that you think is way too expensive to rent for the weekend, despite us living in a mansion on a private coast? I rented it.

ASHLEY JUDD

(swoons)

How romantic! Can we sail away from all public line of sight, but still somewhere American laws still apply? That has always been on my bucket list.

INT. MID-SIZED SAILBOAT TITLED "THE PLOT VEHICLE"

ASHLEY JUDD and BRUCE GREENWOOD are rekindling their MARRIAGE.

ASHLEY JUDD

Let's play a game. You have to guess why the studio thought I would be a draw for this movie.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Hmmm. Your love for authentic drama and acting?

ASHLEY JUDD

(removes article of clothing)

Nope. Try again.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Your clear grasp of emotions in any theatrical situation?

ASHLEY JUDD

(removes article of clothing)

Getting warmer.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Your classical approach to the golden age of cinema?

ASHLEY JUDD

(removes article of clothing)

You lose. I guess I will need to show you. There are not that many F-bombs in this movie so this next scene will have to earn the entirety of the R rating.

They go to a private room and ASHLEY JUDD SHOWS BRUCE GREENWOOD WHY STUDIOS WANTED TO HIRE HER.

INT. SAME BOAT BUT MUCH BLOODIER

ASHLEY JUDD wakes up covered in blood.

ASHLEY JUDD

(wading through blood)

What happened? I am so disoriented.

(takes small row boat across creek of blood)

Something strange happened.

(scuba dives through tank of blood)

Husband! Husband! Husband!

OCEAN POLICE show up and arrest her.

ASHLEY JUDD

Geez, ocean law is very strict about considerate noise levels.

INT. JUDD COURT- ONLY ON ION TV

ASHLEY JUDD is sent to TRIAL for murdering her husband or being too loud on the ocean. YOU DECIDE.

PROSECUTOR

You say you woke up and your husband was gone. A likely story! Do you honestly want the court to believe that your husband lured you out to remote waters, spread tons of his actual blood around the boat, and then escaped via a Ski-Doo driven by Annabeth Gish who drove out 600 miles into open waters while you slept? Because if that is what you are saying you are describing the dumbest premise for a movie.

ASHLEY JUDD

(with the same acting finesse of Tommy Wiseau)

I loved my husband!! I could not have killed him!!! This is an outrage!!! Oh, hi Mark.

(waits for Oscar to be handed to her for award winning emoting)

JUDGE

For the crime of killing your husband on the ocean and that awful excuse for acting, I sentence you to 8 years in prison.

INT. JAIL

ASHLEY JUDD is introduced to her charming CELL FRIENDS. BUTCH WOMAN and SASSY WOMAN.

BUTCH WOMAN

I want to remove your toenails and turn them into a necklace.

SASSY WOMAN

I have been telling everyone in this prison that your legs are full of gold and only cutting them open will release it.

ASHLEY JUDD

Leave me alone.

BUTCH WOMAN AND SASSY WOMAN

(visibly shocked)

We are your only friends. How could you be so mean? Is this how people treat their new neighbors where you're from?

ASHLEY JUDD

I guess I was a little harsh. We can be friends now.

ASHLEY JUDD makes her phone call to her son.

ASHLEY JUDD

Mommy is just going to be a little bit late to dinner. Like 8 years late. Make sure to say thank you to my personal maid/best friend, Annabeth Gish, for offering to take care of you and then moving to a different state without telling me.

CUTE SON

(sees Bruce Greenwood walk through the door)

Daddy!

ASHLEY JUDD

(Cold fear of realization)

What? Daddy is the unique and very specific name my son calls Bruce Greenwood. No adult in the history of child bearing has ever been given that name except my husband.

Suddenly, BROOKLYN WOMAN appears.

BROOKLYN WOMAN

Look sweetie, I might just be discarded New York riff raff, but I have one tidbit of information that will inspire your development as a woman of vengeance. There's a rule penned by our founding father, Senator Trebek, that if your husband frames you for his own murder over open waters, then you get one free coupon to actually murder him. It's called The Lightning Round or something.

(pulls American Constitution out of her pants to show her)

ASHLEY JUDD

Oh nards! I was going to be all grumpy and mopey in prison for the rest of my sentence, but now I want to run laps around the prison yard for the next 8 years to become a mega woman of vengeance.

INT. HALFWAY HOUSE FOR PRISON WOMEN- ONLY ON ION TV.

TOMMY LEE JONES is a parole officer who has been constantly getting too old for this since the seventies.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Listen to me, Ashley Judd. You will serve your time here and not a single rule will be broken or I will search every cat house, dog house, prison house, pancake house, and boat house to bring you in feet first. Do I make myself clear?

ASHLEY JUDD

If I obey these rules for six months I can be a cleared woman with absolute freedom to search for my son?

TOMMY LEE JONES

Yup. The law will leave you alone. You just have to hold out for six months.

ASHLEY JUDD

I need to step outside and take an ESCAPE OUT OF HERE break.

ASHLEY JUDD breaks and enters into a building to look for files on BRUCE GREENWOOD. The police IDENTIFY HER, CHASE HER, and ARREST HER.

EXT. FERRY THAT WAS PROMISED IN THE TRAILER

TOMMY LEE JONES has ASHLEY JUDD HANDCUFFED to the passenger side of his car on a FERRY.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Fricken, Judd. Every time someone in my custody escapes, I age fifteen years. I was thirty when I had to apprehend Harrison Ford.

(gets up to leave)

But you are not going to leave my sight. As long as you are handcuffed to this passenger door, then I can 600% agree that this is a foolproof plan.

(leaves car keys)

(leaves hand book on picking locks)

(loads gun and gives it to her)

ASHLEY JUDD escapes, sending multiple cars into the river. NO ONE SUES HER because it looks cool.

TOMMY LEE JONES

(shocked)

If I had a nickel…

INT. LIBRARY THAT HAS THAT NEW FANGLED AOL THAT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT

ASHLEY JUDD is SURFING THE INTERNET to find out where BRUCE GREENWOOD is.

ASHLEY JUDD

Oh man, this AOL internet has everything. I just visit husbandswhopretendedtodie.com and typed in "Bruce Greenwood". Luckily, the database shows the last three paintings that the perp truly loved.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(hacking)

I see you are using the internet. Let me tell you, as a hacker who hacks, that AOL has everything a protagonist needs to get the job done. I just sunk an oil rig.

SANDRA BULLOCK

(netting)

I agree 100%. Let me tell you, as a netter who nets on the net, that AOL surely cannot be beat as the only way to ride into the bright neon future. I just ordered a pizza and it will get here in three years.

INT. NEW ORLEANS- JUST BEFORE MARDI GRAS, DURING AND ALSO ONE DAY AFTER MARDI GRAS

ASHLEY JUDD finds where BRUCE GREENWOOD bought his own HOTEL and keeps a LAVISH LIFESTYLE.

ASHLEY JUDD

This is going to be next to impossible to find a man who has to convince the world that he died.

She sees LIKE A THOUSAND BILLBOARDS with his face on it.

ASHLEY JUDD

He might as well have a bumper sticker that reads "Honk if you framed your wife for your own murder."

BRUCE GREENWOOD is auctioning himself off to RICH PLUTOCRATS who are bored and want to have a boy toy who is slightly LESS RICH.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Ladies, I am Gruce Breenwood, a millionaire who looks exactly like some very handsome guy up north. Let's start the bidding.

RICH RED HEAD

$1000.

ASHLEY JUDD

$2000.

RICH RED HEAD

$5000.

ASHLEY JUDD

$15,000.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Wow, that mysterious woman clearly has won this bid.

ASHLEY JUDD

$150,000.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

No, you won. You can stop yelling numbers.

ASHLEY JUDD

$6,000,000.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

The object of this is not to see who can think of the highest number.

ASHLEY JUDD

A billion infinity plus six!

BRUCE GREENWOOD

I should have known my wife would want revenge! If only the judge gave you 9 years instead of 8 and then we wouldn't be having this conversation.

ASHLEY JUDD

I hate your guts, Bruce, but I willing to forgive you if you just give me back my son.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Fine! Meet me at the old cemetary. I will be at the empty mausoleum. The one that is reserved for a future ex-wife that died for trusting a crazed killer.

ASHLEY JUDD

(regretting)

I should have said a billion infinity plus seven.

INT. MAUSOLEUM DEDICATED TO EX-WIFE THAT DIED FOR TRUSTING A CRAZED KILLER

ASHLEY JUDD gets KNOCKED OUT and stuffed in a DEAD GUY'S COFFIN. The coffin comes with PADLOCKS that were provided by the FUNERAL HOME just in case the dead guy wanted to escape.

ASHLEY JUDD

I have to be the stupidest person on earth to fall for this trap. Nothing can top the idiocy I showed in being lured to my death. Clearly, nothing reeks of more ignorance.

(realizes that Bruce Greenwood let her keep her gun)

I take that back.

INT. BRUCE GREENWOOD'S HOTEL…I MEAN GRUCE BREENWOOD'S HOTEL

TOMMY LEE JONES confronts BRUCE GREENWOOD after doing some intense DETECTIVE WORK and NOTICING PAINTINGS.

TOMMY LEE JONES

You know, I looked up the name Bruce Greenwood in the database and it showed a fat old guy, thus proving that you are not the person who framed your wife for murder.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

(sigh of relief)

TOMMY LEE JONES

(devilish smile. Big aha moment)

Then I scrolled down the list and found a second Bruce Greenwood and it was you.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

(fills pants with fear and trepidation)

I am clearly dealing with an expert puzzle solver who has mastered every riddle.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Normally, I have every right to arrest you, but I brought along your unstable fugitive ex-wife to help muddy up the whole investigation.

ASHLEY JUDD

(reveals herself behind door number three)

The next time you frame me for noise pollution on the ocean you better make sure I am dead.

(cocks pistol)

BRUCE GREENWOOD

I am starting to think that making almost zero effort to stay hidden was a mistake. I forget that people have the innate ability to recognize faces. Also, parading my three favorite rare and well documented paintings everywhere I go is kind of a giveaway.

(shoots Tommy Lee Jones)

ASHLEY JUDD

Bruce, don't do it. I have the law on my side. It's called Final Jeopardy and that means I can shoot you without any jail time. I have the Groupon in my pocket to prove it.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

A whole movie based on an idea that writers did not put that much thought into. Even if you kill me right here, do you really think the police are going to find my corpse and automatically say "Hey, this guy is dead already, let's go home and not think about this murder and who is responsible for it?"

ASHLEY JUDD

(fires gun)

I'll take really dead husbands for 500, Alex.

EXT. SOCCER FIELD WHERE CUTE SON IS PLAYING CUTE SOCCER

TOMMY LEE JONES is setting ASHLEY JUDD free into the wild to see her son.

TOMMY LEE JONES

We were able to clear up every crime except your excessive noisiness on the ocean. You will have to issue a public apology for that or receive the electric chair. I am am sure you will make the right choice.

ASHLEY JUDD

Aren't you glad that one of us gets to see justice for their abducted child, which you eluded to at the beginning of the movie? Aren't you thrilled that I am the winner of the justice for abducted child game and you get to live vicariously through me as I get to see my life get put back together while yours is forever a cold case?

TOMMY LEE JONES

(leaves gun and keys)

ASHLEY JUDD reunites with CUTE SON and they both sit down over a rousing web surf on AOL'S FREE 1000 HOURS OF BLAZING 56KB SPEEDS.

SANDRA BULLOCK'S pizza arrives.

END