FADE IN:

EXT. DARK DREARY STUPID SHITTY GOTHAM

CUE: BAT-HARPSICHORD THEME OF GRIMNESS

As night falls, assorted RANDOM CRIMINALS see the BAT-SIGNAL (it being dark, see caption above) and immediately SHIT THEMSELVES.

ROBERT PATTINSON (V/O)

Yup, it's another Bat-reboot, or reBat if you will. It's still gonna be all grimdark and murky and full of gravelly whispers, but THIS time I'm a younger version who hasn't hit on the idea that Bruce Wayne should carry himself in any way differently than Batman. Fuck knows how my secret identity survived this phase.

EXT. ELEVATED TRAIN PLATFORM

A random COMMUTER is about to be set upon by a JOKER GANG! But they are interrupted by the dramatic arrival of THE BATTINSON, who judging by the sound effects of his footsteps weighs roughly SIX THOUSAND POUNDS and wears boots made of ENTIRE TWO-STOREY BUILDINGS.

THE BATTINSON

CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP

(whispering)

HEY YOU KIDS QUIT THAT

THE BATTINSON promptly CLOBBERS the ENTIRE JOKER GANG with only his SUPERIOR FIGHTING TECHNIQUE and DETERMINATION and oh yeah also SUPER-HI-TECH BULLETPROOF IMPACT-ABSORBING DAMAGE-NULLIFYING FLEXIBLE BODY ARMOUR, that came in handy a bit too. Having personally defeated ONE CRIME and caused all other criminals to have CRIPPLING PANIC ATTACKS just by thinking about him, THE BATTINSON finally gets around to answering the SIGNAL.

THE BATTINSON

Hope that whatever situation caused this Bat-Signal wasn't some critically-time-sensitive ticking-bomb-type thing.

INT. STATELY DEAD MAYOR MANOR

It turns out THE BATTINSON has been summoned to the crime scene of the MAYOR'S MURDER.

THE BATTINSON

CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP

(whispering)

EVENING OFFICERS HOW CAN I HELP

JEFFREY WRIGHT

Okay back off guys, he's with me, Not-Yet-Commissioner Gordon! Anyway yeah someone offed the Mayor and severed his thumb too. But the worst part is he was found by... HIS TEN-YEAR-OLD-SON!!!

(points dramatically)

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

SO THAT KID'S NOW SCARRED BY THE BRUTAL DEATH OF HIS DAD HUH, WONDER WHAT THAT'S LIKE, OH HEY IS THAT A BOX OF OREOS

(scarfs entire box of Oreos)

(blasts Adele)

(whispering hoarsely)

IT'S NOTHING A CLUE GOT STUCK IN MY EYE IS ALL, WHICH REMINDS ME DO WE HAVE ANY CLUES

JEFFREY WRIGHT

Some. The security cameras caught lots of creepy-ass heavy breathing and a recording of "Ave Maria" on endless loop, seriously prepare to hear that A LOT. Also there's an envelope addressed to you written in a classic "movie serial killer" font.

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

HMM THERE'S A RIDDLE AND A ZODIAC-STYLE CYPHER THINGIE. SO, IT'S FINALLY THE RIDDLER'S TURN TO GO EXTRA GRIMDARK, CAN'T WAIT TO SEE OUR VERSION OF CONDIMENT KING. I'LL BE IN TOUCH

(leaves enigmatically)

CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP

Meanwhile, the JOKER GANG wake up and resume assaulting the COMMUTER since all the cops are over at the dead Mayor's place.

INT. OVERSTATEDLY WAYNE MANOR

Back at the MANOR we discover ROBERT has special BAT-CONTACT-LENSES that record everything he sees! This allows him to recreate the CYPHER and also navigate his ULTRA-GOTHIC TWISTY MANSION that resembles a giant pile of M.C. ESCHER VOMIT.

ANDY SERKIS

Hello everyone, I'm the new Alfred! Perhaps I can assist with my extensive MI-5 expertise that includes codebreaking, intelligence, and combat training equal to an entire secret society of ninjas from the other versions.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Sure, as long as you accept you're only allowed to solve the first 90% of any puzzle, and then I get to dramatically finish it off and look smarter than you.

ANDY SERKIS

That's fine as long as YOU accept that I get to do a version of the "ran off to join the Serkis" joke, in the actual movie, kind of.

(winks)

ROBERT PATTINSON

(sighs)

INT. 1313 DEAD MAYOR DRIVE

ROBERT contacts JEFFREY with the solution to the CYPHER!

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

IF YOU PARTIALLY SOLVE THE CYPHER AND THEN HIGHLIGHT THE LETTERS IT SAYS "DRIVE". WE NEED TO SEARCH THE MAYOR'S CARS FOR ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS. AND PERHAPS CHECK HIS COLLECTION OF RYAN GOSLING MOVIES AND SWIFTLY-CANCELLED NATHAN FILLION TV SERIES

JEFFREY WRIGHT

So what you're saying is, if us cops had actually done our fucking job and searched the place, we'd have found something. Well I'm sure it's something super subtle that regular cops would miss OH FUCK IT'S THE MISSING SEVERED FINGER RIGHT HERE IN THE CAR yeah we kind of suck. It's attached to a USB stick!

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

LET'S MAKE A "THUMB DRIVE" JOKE, IT WILL BE THE ONLY JOKE IN THIS WHOLE SIXTEEN-YEAR-LONG MOVIE NOW BACK TO CONSTANT SULLEN PORTENTIOUSNESS

JEFFREY WRIGHT

Okay the drive has a new clue that we need to find the "rat with wings". Hm, maybe that refers to the Penguin! He works at mob boss Carmine Falcone's club along with notorious gangsters Gustav Goldfinch, Terry Pterodactyl, and Vulture Q. Nightingale-Owlswallow.

INT. MOB BOSS JOHN TURTURRO'S SEEDY MAFIA NIGHTCLUB

THE BATTINSON pays a visit to the club and after the obligatory roughing up of some goons, gets to chat with the PENGUIN, COLIN FARRELL.

COLIN FARRELL

Waugh! Sorry, I got nothing for ya Bats. How about all my face prosthetics though, huh? Pretty cool right? Sure we could have just hired Richard Kind but hello, Best Makeup/Hairstyling nom maybe!

Just then ZOE KRAVITZ enters with a round of drinks and wearing DISTINCTIVE BOOTS!

THE BATTINSON

(thinking)

Hm I also saw those boots in an incriminating photo of the dead Mayor. No way in hell do multiple pairs of those exist, I should follow this attractive woman with the sexy boots. For, ah, crime-solving purposes.

ROBERT follows ZOE back to her place where she briefly interacts with her VERY CLOSE FEMALE FRIEND/ROOMMATE and then changes into CATWOMAN GEAR before zooming over to DEAD MAYOR MANSION!

INT. DEAD MAYOR MANSION

ZOE cracks a safe but is confronted by ROBERT.

ZOE KRAVITZ

Look I didn't kill the Mayor okay? I just need to steal back the passport of my longtime travelling companion! Turturro took it from her and put it in the Mayor's safe for some reason.

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

IS THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD SUPPOSED TO BE A MASK, I CAN SEE LIKE YOUR ENTIRE FACE

ZOE KRAVITZ

Mostly it keeps my nose warm during heists.

They go back to her place but ZOE'S CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND THAT LIVES WITH HER TO SAVE ON RENT IT JUST MAKES FINANCIAL SENSE OKAY is MISSING!!! ZOE consoles herself with a nice cold glass of MILK and petting her THREE DOZEN CATS and flexing her THIRTY-TWO OUTER EAR MUSCLES, and agrees to work with ROBERT to solve the mystery.

INT. BACK AT THE NIGHTCLUB, ALSO MEANWHILE RIDDLER MURDERED THE COMMISSIONER LIKE WE DIDN'T ALL SEE THAT COMING

ZOE searches for clues aided with ROBERT'S BAT-CONTACTS! She finds D.A. PETER "NO K" SARSGAARD.

PETER SARSGAARD

(drinking and whoring)

I'm so stressed by how the Riddler is murdering all Gotham's corrupt officials, especially the ones who frequented this establishment. Just like me, D.A. Peter Sarsgaard!

(hands out autographed photos)

JOHN TURTURRO

You don't have to worry about the outside world in here, my friend, just enjoy yourself. Your outie is a great D.A., I promise. Don't forget to take advantage of our valet parking that comes with free abduction!

INT. GIANT GOTHIC CHURCH

ROBERT attends the DEAD MAYOR'S FUNERAL. Outside a crowd chants the RIDDLER'S viral slogan, the way that crowds in movies are soooooo eager to chant whatever dumb slogan gets thrown their way.

CROWD

(chanting)

HEY HEY! HO HO! RAMPANT GENERATIONAL INSTITUTIONALIZED CORRUPTION AMONGST GOTHAM'S POLITICAL AND LAW ENFORCEMENT STRUCTURES THUS PERPETUATING AN ENDLESS CYCLE OF OPPRESSION AND DISENFRANCHISEMENT HAS GOT TO GO!

ROBERT spots TURTURRO arriving along with the DISTINCTIVE BOOTS.... which are worn by NOT ZOE KRAVITZ!!!

ROBERT PATTINSON

Bwaaa?!? There's MULTIPLE pairs of that boot?!????? DOES NOT COMPUTE, ERROR, ERROR

JAYME LAWSON

Hello Robert, I'm the de facto new Mayor. I just wanted to quickly give lip service to the outrageous idea that you might use your vast wealth to support social services, boost the economy, build public facilities bla bla bla bla

ROBERT PATTINSON

You're saying that me sinking all my resources into re-inventing the wheel and solving everything personally might... NOT be... the best plan?!?

JAYME LAWSON

That's what I'm saying.

ROBERT PATTINSON

(thinks)

So instead I should... buy Twitter?

JAYME LAWSON

Y'know what just forget it.

CON O'NEILL

(hoarsely)

Hello everyone, I'm Chief of Police because we only hire people who can rasp out all their lines. Just want to reassure you we've put extra special security on this event so there's no way anything can go wr-

Just then a CAR CRASHES through the ENTIRE FUNERAL into the centre of the CHURCH, with PETER SARSGAARD and a BOMB inside! Everyone scatters while ROBERT does a quick change into-

THE BATTINSON

CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP

(whispering)

HI PETER SO FOR REALS, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A "K" IN YOUR LAST NAME

Taped to PETER is a phone where THE RIDDLER, PAUL DANO, is Facetiming!

PAUL DANO?

Bwah ha ha ha! I'm going to force Peter to answer three riddles! Or actually more like rhetorical questions which kind of goes against my whole deal but TIME'S UP YOU GO BOOM NOW!

The bomb EXPLODES rendering THE BATTINSON unconscious!

INT. GOTHAM POLICE STATION

ROBERT awakens still in full costume, surrounded by COPS playfully tugging at his Bat-ears.

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

SO INSTEAD OF THE HOSPITAL OR A JAIL CELL YOU CARRIED ME TO SOME RANDOM TABLE, OKAY

JEFFREY WRIGHT

That's enough guys! Gimme a minute alone with him!

(everyone clears out)

Okay now let's pretend we're talking all tough with each other, but with our faces super close, so it's more like we're having a romantic moment.

(giggles, hides face bashfully)

That should fool them. Now punch me and take my keys to help you escape.

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

I'VE BEEN KICKING DOWN BOLTED DOORS ALL MOVIE BUT SURE THANKS

(slugs Jeffrey!)

ROBERT fights his way aaalllll the way up to the ROOF and then BAT-GLIDES away where he hits a BRIDGE and goes BAT-SPLAT on the pavement.

THE BATTINSON

Ow. Maybe next time I'll fight my way out a second-storey window... anyhoo probably time to follow up on that Penguin lead.

EXT. OUTSIDE COLIN FARRELL'S ONE-STOP DRUGS'N'GUNS SMUGGLING EMPORIUM

JEFFREY and ZOE and ROBERT all arrive but we don't see what ROBERT is driving, noooooot quite yet, wink wink!!

ZOE KRAVITZ

Oh no, my emergency medical contact, she's... dead!! Now our Schrodinger's relationship will never be observed and snap into a definitive state! Curse you Colin!

COLIN FARRELL

Bwagh!

(opens fire)

A huge SHOOTOUT starts and COLIN tries driving away--but you know what THAT means!

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

AW YEAH TIME TO INTRODUCE MY COOL DISTINCT BATMOBILE THE EXACT SAME WAY WE DID IN BATMAN BEGINS

(revs engine)

JUST GONNA FIRE UP THE HEADLIGHTS ALL DRAMATIC-LIKE

(theme music swells)

LET THAT ENGINE RUMBLE A WHILE, GIVE EVERYONE A GOOD SHIVER OF ANTICI---

(pause)

ZOE KRAVITZ

Um Colin is like five blocks away now.

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

IT'S ALL GOOD THIS BABY HAS TWICE THE PICKUP OF A DODGE CHALLENGER HALF ITS SIZE

(squeals off!)

They engage in a HIGH-OCTANE CAR CHASE where eventually COLIN causes a MULTI-TRUCK PILEUP with a hugely convenient runway-length TAKEOFF RAMP allowing ROBERT to jump over it, and then crash COLIN! As he watches, pinned, THE BATTINSON dramatically approaches...

THE BATTINSON

CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP

(sloowwwwly leans over)

(pokes head into frame)

PEEKA-BATS, I SEES YA

(pause)

IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ICONICALLY MENACING BECAUSE HONESTLY IT'S KINDA GOOFBALL, I FEEL LIKE ABED IN COMMUNITY

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN GOTHAM

R-BATS and JEFFREY question COLIN.

JEFFREY WRIGHT

Fess up, are you the "flying rat" mentioned in Dano's clue, "You are el rata alada dot net"?!? WHAT NET DID YOU DOT, COLIN

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

WAIT A SEC THAT ACTUALLY MEANS "URL: RATAALADA.NET" (formerly www.nothingbutburngormanjokesplusmilfs.net) WOW THAT'S SOME FRANK GORSHIN LEVEL SHIT RIGHT THERE

The website leads to a CLUE that ROBERT is the next target, but this information comes too late to stop ANDY SERKIS from opening an OBVIOUS MAIL BOMB!!

ANDY SERKIS

(non-fatally blown up)

That's on me really, opening unsolicited packages during a murder spree aimed at Gotham's finest.

ROBERT reacts by making a new high-tech crime-solving algorithm out of SPRAY PAINT and then decides to quiz ZOE some more.

ZOE KRAVITZ

I haven't told you everything. John Turturro... is my DAD!! And he had my Mom murdered!

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

ARGHH WHY DID YOU REFERENCE YOUR MURDERED MOM

(consumes pint of Haagen-Daaz)

THAT JUST IS SO, UM, GENERICALLY SAD

They SMOOCH but just then PAUL DANO? drops a new video claiming THOMAS WAYNE was EVIL! ROBERT angrily confronts JOHN without any of his BAT-GEAR.

JOHN TURTURRO

It's true, your Dad did shady stuff with me. And then another gangster who's totally not me, murdered him. Yep, you should definitely look for vengeance elsewhere.

ROBERT angrily confronts ANDY SERKIS in hospital!

ANDY SERKIS

Fuck's sake, you really think your parents were killed by some unseen gangster we haven't even cast in this movie? Obviously it was Turturro you git. And for bonus points, he's the only bird-named character with a speaking part left, so guess who's behind all the rampant corruption too?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Clearly this version of Bruce Wayne still has much to learn about standard tropes.

INT. BACK AT JOHN TURTURRO'S GANGSTER CLUB

ROBERT BATS UP and arrives to mete out justice, but ZOE is there too!

ZOE KRAVITZ

So it turns out Tuturro ratted out his own mob to the city so now he runs the city he already ran, or whatever. And he used the rebuilding fund set up by your Dad to do it!

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

AW YEAH ONCE MORE SOCIAL PROGRAMS BLOW CHUNKS, FACEPUNCHING FOR THE WIN YO

ZOE KRAVITZ

I got audio of Turturro confessing to everything and sent it to the press. But I'm also gonna kill him so I can FINALLY be a full orphan like everyone else in this movie.

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

NO YOU MUSN'T, BLA BLA THE USUAL MORALITY STUFF

(pause)

OR I GUESS YOU COULD TRY AS LONG AS I GET TO STEP IN AND RESCUE YOU AT THE LAST MOMENT, Y'KNOW, THE USUAL FRAGILE EGO STUFF

They go with that option and successfully ARREST TURTURRO... but outside the club he is SHOT DEAD by PAUL DANO?!!

INT. GOTHAM JAIL, THE PARENTS OF WHICH WERE ALSO MURDERED

THE BATTINSON arrives to interrogate PAUL since this kind of scene became tradition at some point.

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

WHY DID YOU ASK TO SEE ME, LIKE, THE MOVIE'S OVER

PAUL DANO?

(grins)

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

...THE MOVIE'S OVER, RIGHT

PAUL DANO?

Ohhhh nooOOOOOoooo, not yet! I still have a whole apaaaAAAaaartment of cluuuUUUUuues for you to solve! Maybe I know your seeEEEEeeecret identiiiIIIIIiiity!

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

OH COME ON WE GOT TURTURRO, WE GOT CLOSURE FOR ME AND ZOE, WE CAUGHT YOU, THIS SHOULD BE FUCKING DONE

PAUL DANO?

But what about my online army of incels that are gonna use bombs to flood the city and then kill the new Mayor and

THE BATTINSON

NOPE FUCK THAT I'M CALLING IT

(storms out)

PAUL DANO?

(calling after him)

But you get to save Zoe again and rescue orphans and do a Big Hero Sacrifice and stuff!! At least stick around for when we tease yet another version of Jo-

THE BATTINSON

(down the hall)

FUCK YOU

EXT. ELSEWHERE IN GOTHAM - SOME TIME LATER

R-BATS and his motorcycle meet up with ZOE and her motorcycle.

THE BATTINSON

(whispering)

DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO LEAVE, I MEAN, YOU HAVE GREAT TASTE IN BOOTS

ZOE KRAVITZ

Well you could come with us, y'know... me and exactly ONE of my dozens of cats that I've chosen to take, leaving the rest to starve and rot. You see, THIS cat won the Jellicle Prize at my Jellicle Ball by being the VERY MOST Jellicle cat of all! Allow me to sing about-

THE BATTINSON

UM YEAH MY CITY NEEDS ME FAREWELL

ROBERT and ZOE re-enact the end of FURIOUS 7 with ZOE in the PAUL WALKER role.

END