FADE IN:

INT. BEN AFFLECK'S DREARY STRIP-MALL ACCOUNTANT OFFICE ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS SHADY THAN THE "BETTER CALL SAUL" OFFICE

SUIT-AND-TIE BEN is helping an ADORABLE FARM COUPLE with their TAXES while seeming DISTANT and DISTRACTED.

FARM HUSBAND

Ben, it's been months since Batman v Superman, you're not still dwelling on those harsh reviews are you? I swear you made the exact same face in your interview that people GIFed everywhere.

BEN AFFLECK

Hm? No, in this movie I have a form of autism. This will remind people that I'm a serious actor who can do serious action, I'm not just a cartoon superhero. Now let me sneakily suggest some ways you can beat the bureaucratic system, like Mr. Incredible at the start of The Incredibles.

FARM WIFE

Are you sure about this tax dodge thing? I don't know if I should risk our farm on the advice of someone working out of a dreary strip mall, I mean, look at the scene header.

BEN AFFLECK

Damn right you should trust me, I have godlike math powers! As a kid I solved jigsaw puzzles UPSIDE DOWN! You know those 3-D jigsaws? I solved them INSIDE OUT! Magic Eye jigsaws? I made the PUZZLE cross ITS eyes! And the Photomosaic ones? Well actually I didn't bother, they were bullshit. Nobody liked those. Fuck them.

FARM HUSBAND

Well shucks, since you've helped us so much we'd love to have you over for dinner.

BEN AFFLECK

Huh? You're not just one-scene throwaway characters? Didn't see that coming.

(blinks)

Okay, but I insist on bringing the wine. And my enormous fucking 50-cal sniper rifle so that I can maintain my mild-mannered civilian cover by making pumpkins explode from 300 yards. I am smart.

INT. TREASURY DEPARTMENT

Gruff veteran Financial Crimes Director J.K. SIMMONS calls in brash young Treasury Agent CYNTHIA ADDAI-ROBINSON.

J.K. SIMMONS

Two things. First, I know you lied on your application and left out the vast ream of juvenile offences you accumulated. Second, it is shockingly easy to lie on your Treasury application in this universe. I could have you arrested for this...

CYNTHIA ADDAI-ROBINSON

DON'T, DON'T YOU DO IT

(distraught face)

I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO

J.K. SIMMONS

But I won't. Instead I need your help on a top secret case to find... the Accountant. He's this mysterious figure who always manages to be juuuuuust NOT QUITE facing the camera in these 40,000 surveillance photos. Why none of these assholes waited two seconds to take another picture, is beyond me. Anyway, THIS is your focus now.

CYNTHIA ADDAI-ROBINSON

(behind 18th-century waterfall)

BEN, I WILL FIND YOU

J.K. SIMMONS

Is this the thing where your character is so blank that the abridged-script author is just throwing in random movie quotes until you do something relevant?

CYNTHIA ADDAI-ROBINSON

(wearing old-makeup in Little China)

Indeed!!

INT. BEN'S HOUSE

BEN arrives home and smoothly parks his giant truck EXACTLY inside his garage, goes to his neat tidy kitchen to retrieve his SINGLE KNIFE AND FORK which are PERFECTLY CENTRED inside an immaculate drawer, and visits the sparkly clean bathroom to drop a SOLITARY NEATLY-FORMED SHIT in the PRECISE middle of the TOILET BOWL.

BEN AFFLECK

I. AM. METHODICAL. YOU. SEE.

After dinner BEN goes to his EXPOSURE THERAPY ROOM where he can immerse himself with things that cause him horrible pain and trauma.

BEN AFFLECK

(blares Pearl Harbor soundtrack)

(projects copy of Reindeer Games directly at face)

(puts on Gigli jacket)

(covers self in pile of Surviving Christmas DVDs)

(rubs Daredevil baton on thigh)

ARRGHHH FUUUUCK ARGHHH WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMEE

INT. FLASHBACK SCENE -- IN PRISON

BEN is in prison talking with fellow inmate JEFFREY TAMBOR.

JEFFREY TAMBOR

(finishing Powerpoint presentation)

And that's basically all you need to know to be a Crime Accountant. Even if that doesn't work out, there's always money in the banana stand. Heh, heh.

BEN AFFLECK

Always money... in the Batman franchise...

JEFFREY TAMBOR

No no, banana stand. I'm trying to make a cheesy Arrested Development reference, that's all. Don't--

BEN AFFLECK

Always... be Batman...

JEFFREY TAMBOR

Are we saying Batfleck was all MY fault now?! Come on, dudes, not cool.

INT. BEN'S HOUSE - THE PRESENT

BEN takes out his phone and activates his ASSASSIRI app to help select a new job.

BEN AFFLECK

Don't forget I'm not actually an assassin, but a crime accountant who just happens to have God-level assassin skills. I know it's not always easy to tell the difference, especially as I spend most of the movie behaving like a standard assassin.

ASSASSIRI

Hello Ben. Got a job lined up for you, investigating financial shenanigans over at Yoyodyne, John Lithgow's robotics/prosthetics/overthrusters company. Do you accept?

BEN AFFLECK

Hm. Will I be dealing with wacky slapstick "3rd Rock" John Lithgow or murderous evil "Dexter" John Lithgow? Either will be a chance for me to stretch my acting chops--

ASSASSIRI

Actually John Lithgow has barely enough scenes to register as any kind of character whatsoever. It's kind of a thing in this movie.

BEN AFFLECK

Damn. Anyone else cool work there?

ASSASSIRI

Jean Smart and Anna Kendrick are on staff, though Jean has about five lines of dialogue and Anna sort of vanishes after the second act...

BEN AFFLECK

Eh, good enough. I'll take it.

EXT. ZURICH

Meanwhile in Zurich, some DOUCHESUIT gets in his ASSFACEMOBILE only to be confronted by JON BERNTHAL!!

DOUCHESUIT

Oh no! It's Punishane with a gun! Time for the action to break out!

JON BERNTHAL

Nope, not yet. I'm just here to threaten you for short-selling some stocks. Now listen up, you're gonna stop short stocking those stocks short or I'll stop shocking your shit stock shitty shot GODDAMN IT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

DOUCHESUIT

Eh, half the audience's eyes glazed over as soon as you mentioned stocks anyway. The important thing is we've established you're a tough gun-for-hire comfortable with financial instrument lingo. Kind of like Affleck! Hm, I wonder if you two share some sort of connection...

(thoughtful look)

JON BERNTHAL

Hmmm.

(thoughtful look)

INT. FLASHBACK -- JAKARTA, THE PAST

YOUNG BEN and his BROTHER (who's in all the Young-Ben flashbacks without doing a whole lot, hmmmm) are being trained in GETTING THEIR ASS KICKED BY A FULL-GROWN DUDE.

BEN'S ARMY DAD

Keep training boys! The only way you'll get past the trauma of losing your mother is by travelling the world, learning exotic fighting styles!

YOUNG BEN

Erm... isn't this just a wee bit similar to...

FIGHT TEACHER

NOPE, nope, not seeing it. Now you must choose your secret identities, based on something that will strike fear in the hearts of men.

YOUNG BEN

(solemnly)

I shall become the math.

INT. LITHCORP OFFICES -- THE PRESENT

BEN arrives at LITHCORP and is introduced to ANNA KENDRICK.

BEN AFFLECK

Um. Yes. I'm the number guy.

ANNA KENDRICK

Wow! Gosh. Numbers. Right? Blerp. Spoik!

BEN AFFLECK

Fuck off. Gotta do numbers.

ANNA KENDRICK

Okay. Art major! Glork! Whoopsie!

(pratfalls)

BEN AFFLECK

(lifts one tiny corner of mouth up one micrometre)

Heh.

BEN gets the company books and begins to AUDIT!! OH BOY DOES HE AUDIT SO HARD!! He audits all over the whiteboard and the glass walls, spooging numbers everywhere!!

BEN AFFLECK

Apparently even my super genius brain can't quite get the hang of Microsoft Excel. But wait, these random numbers aren't quite so random! That's it! Anna, check this out!

ANNA KENDRICK

Oh wow! Spnotz! Golly!

(owns cupcake store)

Finances! Nerph!

BEN AFFLECK

Gurp! Columns! Pnerg!

(founds underdog frat of misfits that must somehow defeat snobby jock frat against impossible odds)

JEAN SMART

(arriving)

Ben, thanks for all your hard work. However, a minor character has just "killed himself" out of "guilt" while Jon Bernthal just "happened" to "not be involved in any way, why did you even bring that up" so this case is closed. Goodbye.

BEN AFFLECK

Whah?!?? I don't get to finish the case?! I NEED TO FINIIIISH

BEN is so distraught that he drives HOME and BARRELS INTO HIS GARAGE SHEARING OFF HIS TRUCK'S ROOF and crams NINE THOUSAND FORKS into his cutlery drawer and SHITS ALL OVER EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.

BEN AFFLECK

I. AM. OFF. MY. ROUTINE.

(pause)

Which implies, oddly enough, that 99% of my criminal underworld accounting jobs go super-smooth without any hitches whatsoever.

BEN decides to console himself with a VISIT TO THE ADORABLE OLD FARM COUPLE.

EXT. FARMHOUSE

But two EVIL GOONS have tracked BEN to the quaint innocent FARMHOUSE, oh no!

GOON #1

Taking the cute-as-pie farm couple hostage, thus revealing our position to Ben instead of sneaking up on him, MIGHT not have been the smartest play but WE NEED THE FUCKING ACTION TO FUCKING START ALREADY I CAN'T WAIT ANY

(head blown off)

GOON #2

OH GOD FINALLY! Let's do this Ben!

BEN AFFLECK

Right on! Hm, what cool technique will I utilize to kill you? Oh I know, my belt will provide that utility quite handily!

GOON #2

Arrgh not the utility belt! Nooo

(dead)

Realizing ANNA is in danger, BEN zooms over to her place and finds FOUR GOONS menacing her!

BEN AFFLECK

Have some compound interest, asshole!

(kills goon)

I strongly recommend extinguishment... of your life!

(kills goon)

Here's your first interim dividend... of death!

(kills goon)

Let's apply some accelerated depreciation... to your FACE!

(kills goon)

ANNA KENDRICK

God I hope that's all of them, I can't take any more accounting jokes.

INT. BEN'S STORAGE LOCKER

BEN takes ANNA to his secret storage locker.

BEN AFFLECK

This is my secret lair, where I keep my specialized weapons, equipment, and customized vehicle, and which is decorated with all kinds of expensive and rare collectibles and mementos.

ANNA KENDRICK

So... this is kind of your Batca-

BEN AFFLECK

NO, IT'S AN ACCOUNTANTCAVE, BUT IT'S PRETTY COOL RIGHT, I THINK WE'D ALL AGREE IT'S MEGA COOL WHEN BEN AFFLECK HAS A SECRET LAIR LIKE THIS RIGHT?!?

(deep breath)

Anyway somebody sent those goons after us, so I've flipped a coin and decided it was Jean Smart. You sit tight while I go confront her, okay?

ANNA KENDRICK

(falls asleep for rest of movie)

BEN AFFLECK

Cool.

INT. TREASURY DEPARTMENT

CYNTHIA bursts into J.K. SIMMONS'S OFFICE.

J.K. SIMMONS

So, you have some plot advancement for me I hope...

CYNTHIA ADDAI-ROBINSON

I sure do!

(produces dossier)

Basically, by using our hi-tech cyber-arsenal of Google, YouTube, and Garage Band, I've figured out that Ben's aliases are all famous mathematicians. Which, since he's The Accountant, is a bit searingly obvious but hey. And one of his famous mathematician aliases has a house we could look at.

(folds arms triumphantly)

This took me three days.

J.K. SIMMONS

Great work Cynthia! Let's go!

EXT. JEAN SMART'S HOUSE

BEN sneakily approaches JEAN'S house just as JON BERNTHAL leaves it! BEN shadows from a safe distance.

JON BERNTHAL

Hm, I sense someone is half a block behind me across the street. Could be any random civilian but BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY

(blindly fires over his shoulder four times)

Ah, that's better.

BEN enters the house to find JEAN SMART has been killed!

BEN AFFLECK

Damn. So I guess that leaves... John Lithgow, right? He must be the true Big Bad since we haven't met literally anybody else?

INT. BEN'S HOUSE

After sending in the HAZMAT TEAM to remove the layers of SHIT, CYNTHIA and J.K. search BEN'S house for clues.

CYNTHIA ADDAI-ROBINSON

Honestly J.K., I'm not sure what we're doing here. Like, in this movie, at all.

J.K. SIMMONS

Well let me ask you this: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME BACKSTORYYYYYY because OH MY GOD do I have an exposition dump for you.

(pause)

So I was working Tambor's case and I know Tambor met Ben in prison. But when Tambor died I made it my mission to get to the bottom of things, so I did a stakeout on the guy who ordered Tambor dead. But then Ben showed up and started murdering people so I went in but Ben got the drop on me, BUT then Ben let me live. So all along, I've basically known what Ben's deal is and in fact, I've been helping him from within law enforcement to serve justice in ways the police can't and OH HOLY FUCK I'M COMMISSIONER GORDON, GODDAMN IT TO FUCK, I'M JUST COMMISSIONER FUCKING GORDON OVER HERE, CAST ME IN JUSTICE LEAGUE NOW WHY DON'T YOU

(sees Justice League trailer)

HOLY FUCKITY SHIT YOU ACTUALLY DID, WHAT THE ACTUAL JESUS FUCK, THIS WHOLE MOVIE IS A FUCKING BATFLECK REDEMPTION EXERCISE ISN'T IT OH MY FUCKING GOD

(flips table)

(punches wall)

(collapses onto couch)

So yeah anyway I need you to be the new, young, feisty female Gordon when I retire and shit, like in the Dark Knight Returns graphic novel.

CYNTHIA ADDAI-ROBINSON

(exhales)

Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuck.

INT. JOHN LITHGOW'S SWANKY HOUSE

As expected, BEN storms the LITHGOW HOUSE and lays waste to all the various GOONS who apparently dropped out of GUN TRAINING right after the RUN AROUND FIRING WILDLY class.

BEN AFFLECK

So finally it comes down to this. The big climactic action set piece we've been gradually building towards, as I engage in a winner-takes-all deathmatch of OMG IT'S MY BROTHER WHAAAAT?!?

JON BERNTHAL

HOLY SHIT BRO!! How you been dude?! C'mon, let's talk this out.

BEN AFFLECK

Let's. After all, the most pyrotechnic and explosive conflict of all... is with our own feelings.

BEN and JON put aside their eleventy thousand tons of murdergear and make S'MORES together.

JOHN LITHGOW

The fuck? So I have to be the final boss fight? I don't even-

(dead)

BEN AFFLECK

I'm glad we talked this out. And more importantly, I think we've established that I can totes do this whole brooding dramaction hero thing, and therefore everyone can feel super stoked about going to Justice League starring the Batfleck.

JON BERNTHAL

Uh, sure. Exactly.

(pre-orders Wonder Woman Blu-Ray)

EXT. EPILOGUE -- LAVISH COUNTRY MANOR

Some PARENTS and their AUTISTIC CHILD are considering a SPECIAL SCHOOL for their GIFTED YOUNGSTER.

HEAD THERAPY GUY

I think your child will do well with us. Even Young Ben Affleck, who was here for all of ten minutes before his Dad took him globe-trotting, managed to form a lifelong bond with my special needs daughter. Why, he even bought her a room full of hi-tech computers, look!

THERAPY GUY'S DAUGHTER

Surprise, I'm the actual ASSASSIRI! Yes, I'm a woman with a disability who uses a vast computer network to aid the Batfleck and HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M ORACLE AREN'T I, WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK, DID WE REALLY HAVE TO BE QUITE SO FUCKING THOROUGH ABOUT THIS

END