"And furthermore, I demand my face take up no less than 94% of the screen time!"

THE AVIATOR

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. MANSION

CHILD LEONARDO DICAPRIO talks to his MOM while taking a CREEPY BATH.

MOM

Remember, son. Be afraid. Be afraid of everything. Be paranoid, lonely, sad, anti-social, outwardly egregious but dying inside, and be good enough at your job that no one notices or cares.

YOUNG LEO

Primo parenting there, mom.

MOM

Come on, son. Spell your magic Sanity Word for mommy.

YOUNG LEO

O. S. C. A. R. B. A. I. T.

MOM

Good boy!

EXT. FILM SET

Now slightly older, famed AVIATOR/ENGINEER/BUSINESSMAN/PLAYBOY/FILMMAKER/OVER-BUFFED PLAYER CHARACTER LEONARDO DICAPRIO starts his next FILM, HELL’S ANGELS.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Goddam, what the hell is all this crap?! Everybody’ just lollygagging around, wastin’ time, eatin’ and standin’ and breathin’ and shit. How’s a billionaire genius supposed to redefine an artform with people not dedicatin’ every spare brain cell to movie magic?

JOHN C. REILLY

Well boss, normal folk like us have these things call “bodily functions” we have to occasionally maintain in between projects. You know, oxygenating our bloodstreams and consuming useful calories to burn, stuff like that.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Waste of time, you ask me. Y’all should be breathin’ airplane fumes and eatin’ celluloid. I live for this shit, John. You could chop off my arms and legs and I’d still draw new plane engines with my dick.

JOHN C. REILLY

But boss, sometimes there’s a certain charm in, you know, interacting with people. You know. In a humanly fashion?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Motherfucker, I am Steve Jobs. I am James Cameron. I am the granddaddy of every rich, obsessive, depraved white guy who ever hit the Fortune 500. I eat inefficiency and shit pure capitalism and I can’t wait to replace you all with Chinese robots. Alright, let’s get directin’.

LEO manages to CRAP OUT most of a SILENT-ERA MICHAEL BAY MOVIE. There’s only ONE PROBLEM…

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

The heavens themselves don’t obey my whims! I require clouds in the skies while my battle planes soar about like angels, inseminating each other with fiery lead. John! Bring me a weather wizard!

IAM HOLM

I am ze best that could be found, Herr Dicaprio. I am a meteorologist.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Ugh, fine. Make more clouds.

IAN HOLM

I cannot do zis, Herr Dicaprio.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Fine, you little shakedown artist. What’s your price? Three million? Four?

IAN HOLM

I mean I literally cannot do zis. No one can. Clouds go where they please and do what they will, much like you at a Victoria’s Secret party.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I ask for wizards, I get tiny German hobbits. I can’t work under these conditions! I’m going to continue working!

DICAPRIO whines his way into a FINISHED FILM. There’s only ONE OTHER PROBLEM…

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

You heard about this new “sound” thing they been working on?

JOHN C. REILLY

Uh, I’m familiar…

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I want it in my movie. Also color. Also 3D. Eh, skip the 3D. Just sound. We’ll table color for now.

JOHN C. REILLY

But we finished the movie! It cost the GDP of most African nations! It took the lives of dozens of extras, some of whom were SAG certified! Maybe we could shoot the NEXT pointless gore-fest in sound…?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I don’t hear the sounds of you making sounds in my movie.

JOHN C. REILLY

Hey, wait, wasn’t Howard Hughes an… aviator? Are mediocre action flicks really the defining chapter of his legacy? I mean, the hint’s in the title…

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Eh, Scorse’s got a rock hard boner for classic movies. That’s why one third of Hugo is a documentary on silent film. But fine, I’ll fly a plane for a bit.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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