FADE IN:

INT. BEN AFFLECK'S HEAD

BEN AFFLECK stares at his wife ROSAMUND PIKE while talking about how much he hates her.

BEN AFFLECK

I am a giant asshole. I'm also a pretty unreliable person to tell this story. Later on you will get the perspective of an even less reliable person. Basically you will have no idea whether or not most of these things actually happened.

INT. BEN AFFLECK'S BAR NAMED THE BAR

BEN talks to his twin sister CARRIE COON about how much they hate the mother fucking fuck out of BEN AFFLECK'S wife, ROSAMUND PIKE.

BEN AFFLECK

Well today is our fifth year anniversary. I think for the fifth anniversary you are supposed to give wood.

CARRIE COON

So go home and slap her in the face with your hard cock and say, "There's your wood bitch."

BEN AFFLECK

I find it totally believable that a sister would say that to her brother.

CARRIE COON

I think it's to establish our close relationship. You know, in only the way talking about slapping someone in the face with your dick can.

BEN goes home and finds that ROSAMUND is.... GONE. Ben remains pretty chill about the whole situation, even when detective KIM DICKENS and officer PATRICK FUGIT arrive to investigate.

KIM DICKENS

Clearly a violent scene took place in here. But your casual demeanor about losing your wife due to a violent kidnapping is extremely alarming.

BEN AFFLECK

Cool beans. I'm like, whatever. I mean, gee I sure do wish we find her.

(smiles and gives finger guns to camera)

INT. FLASHBACK FROM ROSAMUND'S JOURNAL

ROSAMUND writes in her journal with a hot pink fuzzy pen. She is the totally sane, none sociopathic girl next door.

ROSAMUND PIKE

I met a boy and he's Ben Affleck! We do things like talk back and forth in witty banter and go into something called a "sugar storm" and make out. He also goes down on me with pretty aggressive fervor. We are so damn adorable.

INT. FLASHBACK AT A BOOK PARTY THROWN BY ROSAMUND'S RIDICULOUS PARENTS

BEN AFFLECK

So your parents wrote a series of books loosely based on your childhood called "Amazing Rosy" and now Amazing Rosy, the fictional character, is getting married and you are not? And this party is celebrating that fictional wedding?

ROSAMUND PIKE

Yeah my parents are fucking nuts. I wonder why I didn't become some kind of insane mastermind.

BEN AFFLECK

Well I love you and want to marry you and am going to propose to you in front of complete strangers while saying you have a "world class vagina".

ROSAMUND PIKE

That is so fucking sweet. I accept.

INT. PRESENT DAY AT A POLICE STATION

BEN is being interrogated while also not giving a flying fuck about his missing wife.

KIM DICKENS

What did your wife do all day?

BEN AFFLECK

No idea. Read maybe?

KIM DICKENS

Who were your wife's friends?

BEN AFFLECK

She didn't have any. I think.

KIM DICKENS

And why did we find an envelope that says "clue one" with a riddle inside of it written by your wife?

BEN AFFLECK

She likes to set up treasure hunts on our anniversaries.

KIM DICKENS

That is nauseatingly stupid. So you took out a large insurance policy on her, and you show absolutely no concern that she is missing. But we can't charge you with murder because there is no body. So you can go to your sister's house.

INT. CARRIE COON'S HOSUE

BEN and CARRIE watch the SCHMANCY SCHMRACE show where an obnoxious and contemptuous troll with a hideously exaggerated accent talks about BEN like he alone is responsible for every genital wart to ever exist. She also accuses him of fucking his sister.

BEN AFFLECK

People really hate me, I should probably lay low and not make any glaringly stupid mistakes.

CARRIE COON

Good idea, I'm going to bed.

One second later, BEN'S mistress EMILY RATAJKOWSKI storms into the house.

EMILY RATAJKOWSKI

Oh my Benny Benny. I've been so scared for you. Let's have sex right now!

BEN AFFLECK

You are extremely gorgeous but also approximately twelve years old. FUCK I'm a skeevey bastard. But we should probably not have sex on my sister's sofa while she is home and my wife is missing and I am being publicly accused of her murder.

EMILY RATAJKOWSKI

PWEEEEEEESE.

BEN AFFLECK

Well alright.

THEY DO THAT. And she spends the night on the sofa because discretion is for fucking losers.

INT. FLASHBACK IN ROSAMUND'S JOURNAL AGAIN

ROSAMUND and BEN are in newlywed love.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Let's never be like other lame-o cheating married couples. Especially if we are both unemployed and I have to give all my trust fund money to my parents and the rest of it will go into a bar that you run that doesn't break even. Something like that might make me HAHA... I don't know, LOSE MY FUCKING MIND.

BEN AFFLECK

We won't. That would never happen to us.

Those things happen. They also have to move to Missouri. For ROSAMUND, this is like moving into someone's infected hemorrhoid.

INT. PRESENT DAY WHERE BEN IS BEING INTERROGATED AGAIN

KIM DICKENS

Well it looks like your wife was pregnant.

BEN AFFLECK

What? No. Alright this is starting to get fishy.

PATRICK FUGIT

I just kind of lurk behind Kim and talk about you behind your back. And for anyone reaching for their phone, yes, I am the kid from Almost Famous.

BEN decides to follow ROSAMUND'S ridiculous treasure hunt and finds out that she plotted this whole thing and left him a treasure trove of shit in CARRIE'S woodshed. Who, apparently, never ever goes in her woodshed.

EXT. THE DAY ROSAMUND ESCAPED AND A LITTLE BIT AFTER THAT

ROSAMUND is driving in her car and talking on voice over about how she plotted her own murder to frame BEN.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Yep, so almost every three hundred page journal entry is total bullshit. Now my master plan is to eat a shit ton of Kit Kats and live in some cabin next to some skank. This is totally foolproof. All I have to do now is plan to kill myself and stick that on some post it notes I leave on calendars. And I keep money in a money belt.

The SKANK she moved next door to steals the money belt incredibly easily.

ROSAMUND PIKE

FUCKKKKKK. Thankfully I have an extremely wealthy NEIL PATRICK HARRIS socked away for safe keeping.

ROSAMUND calls NEIL who meets her at a discreet and subdue location.

INT. RIVERSIDE CASINO

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

You are all over the news and everyone thinks you're missing and that your husband probably murdered you. I believe "Most Hated Man in America" has been a term used over and over. Frankly, the fact that you're alive seems shady.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Come on Neil. We go way back from the days in high school where you tried to commit suicide after I broke up with you. Let's revisit those days. Good times.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Ok. You can come stay at my house where you will be monitored on camera every second. I am still so in love with you despite not seeing you for over twenty years. Jesus there is a lot of nanners packed into this movie.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Well, I did just ruin a man's life because he cheated and I was bored. And you're a possessive psychotic who insists that I will "never get away again". You'll probably live for, what, the next five minutes? If I don't tolerate bored indifference I'm probably not going to take kindly to you.

She DOESN'T. They go to NEIL'S house and watch an interview with BEN.

BEN AFFLECK

Hey Rosamund. I love you so much that I've hired Tyler Perry to convince people I didn't murder you. Come home my love. And this is all code that I know you're a fucking crazy cunt and you need to get me out of this deep shit you threw me in.

This makes ROSAMUND fall back in love with BEN. This and losing all her money. And if "falling back in love" means "allowing him to clutch her scathing manipulative claws". ROSAMUND hatches another plan and shoves a wine bottle up her hoo ha. And then and she seduces NEIL.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

This is so unexpected. If only I knew you were great at scheming plans, I might not fall so easily into this obvious trap. Why does this wine taste like vagina? Oh who cares, let's do this.

They have sex and right when NEIL is coming, ROSAMUND slashes his throat and blood goes EVERRRRYWHEEEEERE. ROSAMUND pretend escapes and drives home to BEN.

INT. HOSPITAL

ROSAMUND talks to SOME DUMB COPS about being kidnapped by NEIL.

SOME DUMB COPS

So Neil held you against your will and raped you repeatedly while you were tied to the bedpost. And then during one of these times while he was all preoccupied by the throws of orgasm, you managed to cut his throat?

ROSAMUND PIKE

Yes, and thanks to that wine bottle, it definitely looks like I've been raped. And of course you've got his groin gravy. Because you don't get Neil Patrick Harris's orgasm face for no reason.

KIM DICKENS

Your story doesn't make sense. Won't the cops be able to tell you were not held there against your will when they investigate his house?

ROSAMUND PIKE

I hope not.

KIM DICKENS

Yeah, we don't. You can go home.

BEN and ROSAMUND go home alone together. The anticipation of confrontation is muffled by the absurdity of the plot.

BEN AFFLECK

This is absolutely ludicrous. And why are you still covered in Neil Patrick Harris blood?

ROSAMUND PIKE

Yeah I need a shower. We can discuss this naked in the shower so that I'll know for sure you're not bugged.

They get NAKED and discuss their bright and hopeful future.

ROSAMUND PIKE

You're going to stay with me because it's like I'm saving your life.

BEN AFFLECK

Noooooo it isn't. I committed infidelity. You FRAMED ME FOR MURDER. My Tyler Perry lawyer and Kim Dickens and Carrie Coon all know you're fucking nuts and set me up. They will never allow this to happen.

TYLER PERRY

I'm out. Later Ben.

KIM DICKENS

I'm mildly stunned. Later Ben.

CARRIE COON

I'm pretty upset. I'll stick around but I'll be really useful and just cry on the floor.

A few weeks later, ROSAMUND is pregnant from a sperm sample that BEN thought was thrown out. Turns out his wife is sneaky or something.

BEN AFFLECK

Oh ASSSSSS. Now I am obligated to stay with you.

ROSAMUND PIKE

Surely, having a child will add less issues to the mammoth amount of preposterous shit we have going on. Strange that it took the most deceitful plan imaginable to finally give you a misplaced sense of loyalty. But it will always be laced with extreme hatred so, I mean, our life is going to be a fucking riot. Let's have twenty babies.

END.