FADE IN:

EXT. ROCKY (HEH!) MOUNTAINS

SYLVESTER STALLONE climbs up a cliff without any ropes.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(flexing)

Despite my wildly irresponsible antics, I’m actually a mountain rescue bro-fessional!

Nearby, JANINE TURNER and RALPH WAITE take a helicopter like normal people.

JANINE TURNER

Hey Sly, I’m your girlfriend who’ll definitely do more than just support you and get kidnapped.

RALPH WAITE

And I’m your lovably eccentric old partner. You can count on me making it to the end of this thing!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

...sure.

SYLVESTER, JANINE, and RALPH find fellow Park Ranger MICHAEL ROOKER and his girlfriend MICHELLE JOYNER stranded on a peak.

MICHELLE JOYNER

Before you rescue us, let me shoehorn in a quick reference to you being in 'Nam that will completely justify you guys basically being Navy SEALs.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

You know, I’d love to help, but I need some emotional depth for my redemption arc. So...

SYLVESTER DROPS MICHELLE!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(winking)

You might say she...didn’t have a firm grasp of the situation! Sorry, my dialogue is 90% bad puns.

MICHAEL ROOKER

I hate you now, Sly! This is all your fault.

JANINE TURNER

But Michelle didn’t know how to climb and Michael brought her up here in the first place so really --

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(blocking ears)

La-la-la-la I said DEPTH, dammit.

EIGHT MONTHS LATER:

INT. DENVER MINT

Treasury agent REX LINN meets with his boss BRUCE MCGILL.

REX LINN

Hi, I'm an asshole.

BRUCE MCGILL

Noted. Now allow me to discuss our top secret plans in the middle of this crowded lobby.

(tweets vault codes)

Somehow, terrorists have discovered the details of our transport operations.

(live-streams instructions for robbing a plane)

It’s anyone’s guess as to how. Anyway, we think supervillain John Lithgow may try to rob you.

(holds press conference announcing flight path)

EXT. THE AIR

REX and his fellow AGENTS transport a BUTT-TON OF MONEY stored in convenient SUITCASES.

AGENT

For anyone to steal these they'd need an inside man. Good thing you’re not a double agent, right?

REX LINN

What me double agent I’m not a double agent your mom’s a double agent

(murders everyone)

JOHN LITHGOW shows up on another PLANE with CAROLINE GOODALL, CRAIG FAIRBRASS, LEON, and plenty of REDSHIRTS.

JOHN LITHGOW

‘Ello guvnah! Oi’m British oi am, with a right proper accent innit?

DIRECTOR RENNY HARLIN

(facepalms)

CAROLINE GOODALL

I’m a sadistic Brit! Kind of like John. But I’m also...a woman!

CRAIG FAIRBRASS

I’m also sadistic. And British. But, let’s see...

(spins wheel of British stereotypes)

I also like football! Okay, fine, “soccer.”

LEON

I’m just here to play it COOL and keep things RUNNING smoothly...eh?

The TERRORISTS execute a daring MIDAIR HEIST but DROP the suitcases full of money all over the mountains below!

EXT. RAMBONANZA RANCH

SYLVESTER returns to JANINE.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Yo, Janine! I’m back from months of self-imposed exile to face my inner demons and do what’s hardest for me.

JANINE TURNER

Act?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Hey, Cop Land isn’t THAT bad.

MICHAEL ROOKER

Guys, I’m getting an emergency radio message asking for our help. It’s from a “Mike Oxsmall” -- seems legit.

JOHN LITHGOW

(giggles over radio)

JANINE TURNER

Sylvester, you need to help Michael with the rescue! I can’t do it because reasons.

MICHAEL ROOKER

I still hate you, by the way.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

What could go wrong?

EXT. RAMBOZARK MOUNTAINS

JOHN and his TERRORISTS capture SYLVESTER and MICHAEL.

JOHN LITHGOW

Help us find the suitcases.

MICHAEL ROOKER

Never!

(pause)

Okay!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(winking)

You could say I’m...on the case!

JOHN makes SYLVESTER take off his JACKET, but scaling a sheer wall of ice during a blizzard in a t-shirt is EASY-PEASY for RUGGED MAN’S MAN and CO-SCREENWRITER SYLVESTER STALLONE.

MICHAEL ROOKER

I guess Sylvester and I will be forced to work together, gradually learning to trust each other again --

SYLVESTER finds the first case and IMMEDIATELY ESCAPES, deserting Michael until the third act.

INT. CONVENIENT HUT MUSEUM

SYLVESTER meets up with JANINE.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

So...cold...must...flex...harder...

JANINE TURNER

Here, take this historical threadbare sweater! After all, it’s not like I’m wearing a modern jacket I could give you.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I guess the responsible thing to do now would be to wait for the cavalry...

JANINE TURNER

Or since you’ve instantly levelled up from “park ranger” to “angel of death,” you could start killing John's guys.

LEON appears in a puff of smoke.

LEON

Did someone say “disposable henchman?”

SYLVESTER IMPALES the FUCK out of LEON on a STALACTITE! Stalactites -- just one of the many wonders of the Colorado Rockies. Plan YOUR visit today!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(winking)

I think he...got the point!

JOHN catches up to our heroes and blows up a mountain on top of them. JANINE almost falls off a cliff but SYLVESTER grabs her just like he did with MICHELLE in the first scene!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

There sure is a lot of hanging off cliffs in this and...oh. NOW I get the title.

JANINE TURNER

(sarcastic clapping)

SYLVESTER saves JANINE!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

So...that was the big thing for my character, right? Is my arc already done?

JANINE TURNER

Ha, arc.” Sure.

EXT. YOU GUESSED IT, MOUNTAINS

The next day, JOHN, MICHAEL and the other TERRORISTS run into some TOTALLY RAD BASEJUMPER DUDES since hey, Point Break was a fun movie!

JOHN LITHGOW

For a criminal all-star team, we don’t seem like very impressive antagonists yet. Better kill these unsuspecting youngsters!

(does so)

But one of the BASEJUMPERS does a SWEET KICKFLIP and, like, totally SHREDS THE GNAR, BRAH, and ESCAPES.

CRAIG FAIRBRASS

Hmm, if only we had some other kindly, unthreatening victim to cement our reputations...

RALPH appears.

RALPH WAITE

Hello, neighbor. Would you like a free helicopter?

CRAIG shoots RALPH a gazillion times.

CAROLINE GOODALL

Badassery achieved.

Before dying, RALPH slips CHEKHOV'S KNIFE to MICHAEL.

REX LINN

This chopper's mine -- I'm the captain now!

JOHN LITHGOW

No problem, just remember Caroline is the only other pilot we have besides me. Caroline, would you mind turning your back on me while I pull out my enormous gun in a totally-not-suspicious way?

JOHN murders CAROLINE!

JOHN LITHGOW

Now that I've checked “kill own henchman” off my list of villain clichés, we’re almost to the last case and I guess I don’t need Michael anymore. Craig?

CRAIG FAIRBRASS

I promise to make it sadistically complicated and not just shoot him.

JOHN LITHGOW

I knew you were on the team for a reason.

While everyone else goes off to look for the last case, CRAIG plays an entire World Cup with MICHAEL’S head. But then MICHAEL pulls out Ralph’s knife and STABS CRAIG, then SHOOTS HIM, then THROWS HIM OFF A CLIFF! And then GARROTES HIM, RUNS HIM OVER, and makes him sit through the DIRECTOR'S CUT OF ALEXANDER just to make sure he's dead.

EXT. PAINFULLY OBVIOUS FROZEN LAKE SET

REX discovers SYLVESTER has beaten him to the last case.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I’ve also taken the very necessary step of tying the case’s tracker to a rabbit to fuck with you rather than, oh, I don’t know, do anything more useful.

REX LINN

I guess it worked, since apparently I’ve gone insane now.

REX YELLS and SHOOTS and YELLS and SHOOTS until SYLVESTER swims under the FROZEN LAKE and shoots REX with CLIMBING GEAR because REALISM. Then MICHAEL shows up and SHOOTS REX SOME MORE and DROWNS HIM, because overkill is his new thing.

MICHAEL ROOKER

So are we friends again?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Sure -- think of the totally-not-underwhelming reunion we can have in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2!

EXT. YUP, MORE MOUNTAINS

JOHN flies around in his new HELICOPTER.

JOHN LITHGOW

Well, I’m all out of henchmen. If only I had some leverage to get that last suitcase back from Sylvester and Michael...

JANINE appears.

JANINE TURNER

Hello, I’ll be your hostage today! And can I tell you about our kidnapping specials?

JOHN captures JANINE!

MICHAEL ROOKER

We should wait for backup, right?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(winking)

Actually, I have a plan that’s...boulder!

SYLVESTER crashes the helicopter with the last suitcase and rescues JANINE! Then he and JOHN FIGHT!

JOHN LITHGOW

So, a roided-out badass versus a middle-aged doughball -- oh, the suspense!

SYLVESTER makes sure TOM CRUISE and PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN are taking notes and lets JOHN kick him around for a while out of pity. Then SYLVESTER tosses the helicopter off the mountain and BLOWS JOHN THE FUCK UP!

JANINE TURNER

Swoon!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(winking)

You might say I...rock!

END