EXT. STREETS OF MAYBURY- FEAR STREET

CREEPY GIRL NARRATOR

There was once a time when 17 kids from JuliA Garner's elementary class got up at 2:17 am and decided to NARUTO RUN into the dark of night... never to be seen again.

TIK-TOK

Don't look at us, we didn't create this challenge.

INT. MAYBURY ELEMENTARY

JULIA GARNER arrives at her nearly empty third-grade class only to see CARY CHRISTOPHER sitting at his desk.

JULIA GARNER

Did Best Buy have another Switch 2 Midnight sale?

CARY CHRISTOPHER

I guess we are watching a movie today.

INT. PTA/TOWN MEETING

The whole town is gathered to mourn the loss of the children, and by loss, I mean the entire town puts JULIA GARNER on trial.

BENEDICT WONG

We are not here to point fingers. Julia is just as shocked as everyone else.

JULIA GARNER

I loved your kids. I would never do anything to hurt them. My drinking problem only hurts adults, I swear.

JOSH BROLIN

She is a witch! She weighs as much as a duck! Drown her!

BENEDICT WONG

We are not having another PTA meeting end with a witch drowning. Have we learned nothing from the brownie fundraiser fiasco?

INT. GRAY-LIT ROOM DREAM SEQUENCE

JULIA enters a very poorly lit classroom and sees her whole class with their heads down.

JULIA GARNER

Hopefully, this dreary dream will reveal a clue to what monster is behind this.

CARY CHRISTOPHER reveals poor Golden Girls cosplay makeup.

JULIA GARNER

Nope. I got nothing.

INT. BAR AT THE END OF THE STREET

JULIA resigns to drink herself into oblivion. ALDEN EHRENREICH joins her.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

I just wanted to stop by and remind you that I am three months sober and married.

JULIA GARNER

Would you like a drink and a night over at my house?

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Yes.

EXT. HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET

JULIA follows CARY CHRISTOPHER back to his house, which is barricaded with newspapers.

JULIA GARNER

I can regain my teaching credibility by visiting my students' homes without their consent.

JULIA spies two comatose adults sitting on the couch, lifeless and numb.

JULIA GARNER

I knew it was a Switch 2 sale. That thing will suck up your life.

Later that night, JULIE is camped outside the house in her car. A ZOMBIFIED LADY hobbles out and cuts a strand of her hair. The AUDIENCE echoes a gigantic "What?" in unison.

INT. BROLIN'S HOUSE- BEDROOM

JOSH BROLIN is lying on his kid's bed, feeling sad.

JOSH BROLIN

He said he would run away if I didn't give him ten more minutes of screen time. I shouldn't have tested him.

INT. POLICE STATION

JOSH talks to the POLICE CHIEF about the investigation.

JOSH BROLIN

I have a serious lead in the case. Julia is a witch. She turned me into a newt.

POLICE CHIEF

We are doing everything we can to find those children. Hulu, Peacock, and Netflix are fighting for the true crime documentary as we speak.

INT. DISMAL GRAY HOUSE DREAM

JOSH chases his Naruto-running son over to a strange house. He finds him sleeping on a bed.

JOSH BROLIN

Son, I miss you. Please tell me where you are. Please give me a clue. Give the audience a clue. They have no idea what this movie is about, and we're already 30 minutes in.

JOSH'S SON appears in clown makeup.

JOSH BROLIN

Nope. I got nothing.

INT. THEY SEE ME BROLIN', THEY HATIN'- ANOTHER HOUSE

JOSH is reviewing the RING footage from other homes with missing children.

JOSH BROLIN

Seventeen kids do a Naruto run in the same direction, and not a single eye-witness. I think Ra's Al-Ghul is recruiting for the Assassin's League. If you follow their path and assume that kids cannot turn their bodies, it looks like they are all going to a singular point.

JUSTIN LONG

That must be Brian's house. He has the new Switch 2. Every kid wants to be his friend now.

EXT. GAS STATION

JOSH confronts JULIA GARNER at the gas station.

JOSH BROLIN

Alright, you are going to tell me what you did with the children, and you better not try some weird distraction like making Benedict Wong chase you with relentless bloodlust in his eyes.

BENEDICT WONG is covered in blood, and he starts chasing JULIA.

JULIA GARNER

Ahhhh...do something. Use the Mind Stone on him, Brolin.

INT. ALDEN RING- POLICE HQ- EARLIER

ALDEN EHRENREICH is patrolling the streets when he sees AUSTIN ABRAMS trying to break into a building.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

You are under arrest! Please wait there while I find a parking space, leave the car, approach you calmly, and arrest you.

AUSTIN ABRAMS runs away, but ALDEN tackles him to the ground.

AUSTIN ABRAMS

I wasn't stealing; I was breaking into the store to restock it with more merchandise. I swear.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Alright, I am going to slowly and calmly search you, while regarding your well-being.

(gets pricked by a needle in Austin's pocket)

Alright, I am going to turn your face into a Picasso painting.

(punches Austin)

INT. POLICE HQ- RACCOON CITY

ALDEN reports the accidental beating of AUSTIN ABRAMS.

POLICE CHIEF

As long as no one files a complaint, you should be fine. Just lay low and don't make a spectacle of yourself in public.

ALDEN spots AUSTIN heading over to the station.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

(screaming)

I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU IN COLD BLOOD!!!!!!!!

(fires gun in the air several times)

INT. STONED COLD AUSTIN ABRAMS- PARK- EARLIER

AUSTIN is bumming around, trying to steal things and pawn them off.

AUSTIN ABRAMS

Wasn't this movie about missing children? I hope someone revisits that plot point.

INT. HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET

AUSTIN decides to rob the only house that is tied to weird stuff happening.

AUSTIN ABRAMS

I'm so glad I am using RandomHousePicker.com to decide which house to rob. This one with newspaper all over its windows should do fine.

AUSTIN robs the place, but he notices two comatose parents sitting on the couch.

AUSTIN ABRAMS

Note to self, find out what drug these guys are on and get hooked on it.

AUSTIN reads the book "Awful Ideas to Try in a Haunted House" and then goes into the basement. He sees seventeen children with their backs turned to him. THEY TURN AROUND.

AUSTIN ABRAMS

Woah. Seventeen kids are doing the world's slowest flash mob.

(runs away)

INT. POLICE HQ

AUSTIN decides to share where he found the kids and collect $50,000 in reward money.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

(screaming)

I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU IN COLD BLOOD!!!!!!!!

(throws several grenades)

AUSTIN ABRAMS runs away to a secluded part of the woods where horror victims are safe and never easy pickings for the axe-wielding maniac. He then sees a MUTATED CLOWN WOMAN running after him.

AUSTIN ABRAMS

The elderly are very active in this community. Good for them.

The AUDIENCE shrugs in unison. Several horror trope bingo cards are left unstamped.

EXT. THE HOUSE WHERE CHILDREN GET TAKEN

ALDEN and AUSTIN are working together to investigate the creepy house: The Junkie and the Abusive Cop, Weeknights at 6 pm on FOX.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

If I don't come out in ten minutes, you are responsible for using police brutality on yourself in my absence.

Later that night, ALDEN runs out of the house and GOLDBERG SPEARS AUSTIN, dragging him into the house.

INT. THE WONG PLACE AT THE WONG TIME- BENEDICTINE HOUSE- MORE FLASHBACKS

BENEDICT WONG is enjoying a lovely Sunday of consuming hot dogs with his partner when MUTATED CLOWN WOMAN visits his house.

BENEDICT WONG

Mutated Clown Woman...I mean Amy Madigan. What are you doing here?

AMY MADIGAN

I need to borrow a cup of...DEATH!

AMY takes out a twig. She wraps a piece of hair from WONG's partner around it. Then she pricks her finger and bleeds on the twig.

BENEDICT WONG

Ummmm...is this going to take a long time? We were watching a fascinating documentary on ants being turned into zombies by parasites.

(winks at the audience)

AMY MADIGAN

It's a very elaborate process. Bear with me.

(spins around three times, speaks French, does a cartwheel, sings karaoke in reverse)

BENEDICT WONG goes insane with blood lust and head butts his partner into a fine dust. He then runs down the street to the GAS STATION and hunts down...

JULIA GARNER

Ahhhh...do something. Use the Mind Stone on him, Brolin.

BENEDICT and BROLIN recreate the STONE COLD and BOOKER T gas station grocery death match from WWE RAW early 2000s.

JOSH BROLIN

I think I finally figured out the plot with thirty minutes to spare. Someone is turning people into zombified, mindless slaves with no independent thought. It's just like parasites do in nature, minus the creepy, mutated clown woman using weird magical twig voodoo.

JULIA GARNER

That's horrible! Only the school system should be allowed to make zombified, mindless slaves with no independent thought.

JOSH BROLIN

Let's start the investigation. I scanned all the homes with a Nintendo Switch 2. There's one with newspapers boarded on the windows. We should make it in time as long as we don't have another...

INT. FLASHBACK- CREEPY HOUSE- EARLIER

CARY CHRISTOPHER is talking to his DAD.

DAD

You need to get ready for your Aunt Madigan coming to live with us. She is coming over from Death Valley, Hell York, at 666 Demon Street. Oh, look, her shadow carriage of perdition is here.

MOM

Now, remember, she is very sick. She looks like Ryan Reynolds with Deadpool's cancer. Be polite to her, and if she offers you a damned soul, say please and thank you.

THE NEXT DAY:

CARY sees his mom and dad in a comatose state.

CARY CHRISTOPHER

I told them not to play The Switch 2 all night.

AMY MADIGAN

Cary, your parents are in a vegetative resting state. You must do what I say, or I will command them to play Rock'em Sock'em Robots with each other. As you can see from my very ill state, I am about to die, so I need to control all your classmates and keep them in the basement. Not sure how that helps my debilitating cancer, but it's worth a try. I read it on WebMD.

THE NEXT DAY:

CARY steals all the children's nametags off their school boxes and gives them to AMY MADIGAN.

AMY MADIGAN

Okay, watch closely as I show you exactly how to turn people into zombified slaves that transform into heat-seeking murder missiles at my will. Who knows, you might need to use it later.

(puts Sprite in a bowl, chops up nametags, sings the Irish National Anthem in Spanish, performs a Shakespeare monologue)

CARY CHRISTOPHER

Seems simple enough.

YET ANOTHER DAY:

OFFICER ALDEN and AUSTIN are now zombified slaves.

AMY MADIGAN

Okay, my sinister plan is almost complete. I set up the house with traps that spring my weapons. I am a kind of Wiccan Voodoo Kevin McCalister.

JULIA and JOSH infiltrate the house. JULIA sees a salt line on the floor.

JULIA GARNER

Better step on it. This horror plot is not going to heighten itself.

ALDEN strangles JULIA with the insane bloodlust of someone who just stepped on a Lego. JOSH gives AUSTIN a pile driver through a table. He then DDTs him through a panel of glass. He then pushes him off the steel cage. He then hits two Stone Cold Stunners and one Rock Bottom. AUSTIN kicks out again before the ref counts to three.

JOSH BROLIN

(wrapping Austin in barbed wire)

Will you please die, already???

JULIA GARNER

(blows Austin's brain out of his head)

I found their weak spot! Their brains can't handle bullets.

JOSH navigates the basement, looking for his son among the 17 possessed children. Instead, he finds AMY MADIGAN!

JOSH BROLIN

Ryan Reynolds? Is this a Deadpool 2 reunion?

Meanwhile, CARY is chased by his savage parents through the house, which has 17 interlocking rooms for hiding. Every time he locks a door, the parents perform the "Here's Johnny" Shining routine. CARY grabs AMY MADIGAN'S clown wig and takes a magical twig from her evil tree.

CARY CHRISTOPHER

Shoot, how did the ritual work again? Twist, Tie, Wrap, Bleed, Snap? No. Tie, Twist, Bleed, Wrap? Ahhh...I should have studied.

But CARY can perform the ritual and...

The most violent cacophony of silliness and brutality is captured on the silver screen. 1/8 of the audience is laughing. 1/8 is crying. 1/8 is horrified. 1/8 is cheering. 1/8 is angry. 1/8 is constipated. 1/8 is passed out from fatigue. 1/8 is calling their kids at home to check on them. Everything in the world makes no sense because...

The 17 children chase AMY through the neighborhood, over playground equipment, into living rooms, over gates, under bridges, across ravines, past a Capri Sun commercial being filmed, through a glass window factory, into an ACME saw blade warehouse. Finally, they tackle her on the grass and collectively RIP HER FACE INTO 32,000 JIGSAW PIECES.

JOSH BROLIN

Someone will be sleeping well tonight.

JULIA GARNER

We found the kids. I guess the mystery is solved. It's the classic elderly terminal cancer woman using voodoo to turn kids into cruise missiles so she can be young again case. If I had a nickel for how many times that comes up...

JOSH BROLIN

But everything is horrible for you now. You killed a cop and a drug addict with no proof of them being possessed. These kids will have incredible amounts of crippling PTSD for the rest of their lives. A woman's face is smashed all over the lawn. America's elementary education is in the 50th percentile, and this will not help them at all. Also, none of the weird dreams and visions we had earlier fit into what just happened. How are we going to justify any of this?

INT. TEACHER AND PARENT MEETING

JOSH BROLIN is briefing the town on what transpired.

JOSH BROLIN

In conclusion, our town should ban the sale of Nintendo's latest console, The Switch 2, due to the adverse effect it has on children.

CREEPY GIRL NARRATOR

And that's the year our Christmas really sucked!

THE END