EXT. DYSTOPIAN CITY

NICOLAS CAGE is meandering around a dystopian world, looking for scraps, tools, and loose script roles. The CITY is disheveled, lifeless, and broken, a status New Jersey only hopes to reach one day.

NICOLAS CAGE

I need to find something that resembles food to survive.

NICOLAS CAGE finds two abandoned babies.

NICOLAS CAGE

I suppose they are suitable for protein.

NICOLAS CAGE remembers that he is a good dad in this movie and not a psycho like in the other 18 movies he is currently in.

NICOLAS CAGE

Fine, I will raise them.

EXT. ARCADIAN HOME

NICOLAS CAGE is waiting outside. MAXWELL JENKINS, his teenage son, runs over the hill.

MAXWELL JENKINS

(grunts teenagerly)

Dad, I went to the rich neighbor's house to help them with chores. They have a girl who is my age. I put gum in her hair and threw her into a pond. I hope she knows I like her.

NICOLAS CAGE

Get in, boy. We need to be safe before the unthinkable evil comes—a horror so unspeakable that even the effects team doesn't know what it is.

NICOLAS CAGE, MAXWELL JENKINS, and JAEDEN MARTELL are sitting down to a FAMILY DINNER.

NICOLAS CAGE

Pass the thistle weed pasta and mildew loaf.

MAXWELL JENKINS

(grunts teenagerly)

Jaeden is looking at me dumbly.

JAEDEN MARTELL

Maxwell is breathing my air.

The boys wrestle. JAEDEN hits a Stunner on MAXWELL. MAXWELL reverses a powerbomb, and monkey flips JAEDEN through a table. JAEDEN climbs the fridge and lands elbow-first on MAXWELL for a two-count. MAXWELL starts wrapping his hand in barbed wire until NICOLAS CAGE breaks it up.

NICOLAS CAGE

Raising side-of-the-road boys is so hard! Everyone go to bed. You lost your story time privileges tonight; I won't tell you how After Earth ends.

Suddenly, the doors start shaking violently. NICOLAS CAGE and JAEDEN MARTELL hold it shut.

JAEDEN MARTELL

It's either the unspeakable evil or the Jehovah's Witnesses aren't using the doorbell anymore.

EXT. BUILDING SHED

MAXWELL JENKINS is building a better mousetrap and fixing a tractor buggy.

NICOLAS CAGE

Stop dreaming and thinking and start cutting wood to barricade the doors. That is our life.

MAXWELL JENKINS

Dad, one day I am going to find a way to kill the undescribable horrors that were able to take over every government and organization.

NICOLAS CAGE

That is crazy talk. Now go through the hiding and burrowing drills with your brother, and check on the cicada closet.

MAXWELL JENKINS

(grunts pubescently)

INT. ROSE HOMESTEAD

MAXWELL JENKINS arrives at the GATED COMMUNITY, where he meets SADIE SOVERALL.

MAXWELL JENKINS

Do you need any help, Rose Family? As my father has taught me for years, I can chop up wood and nail it to doors.

SAMANTHA COUGHLAN

Won't somebody think of the children?

JOE DIXON

No chores today, Maxwell. Why don't you and Sadie sit alone in a field and share intimate moments? But not romantic moments, only intimate.

MAXWELL JENKINS

(grunts hormonally)

INT. FIELD OF DREAMS

SADIE SOVERALL

Let's play a fun game to pass the time. Tell me how the world will end in ten seconds.

MAXWELL JENKINS

Dont'cha think that is a bit insensitive, given our circumstances? That's like taking bets on which elderly will die during the pandemic.

SADIE SOVERALL

Or it's just a lazy way to "address" the backstory.

INT. THE CICADA SHED

JAEDEN MARTELL is unsupervised checking the new crop of cicadas. He opens a door, and cicadas fly all around him.

JAEDEN MARTELL

Not the cicadas! Anything but the cicadas! Nooooooooo.

BACK TO: ROSE HOMESTEAD

MAXWELL JENKINS tries to start the tractor, but the engine has trouble turning over. It's getting dark.

MAXWELL JENKINS

Ah! I did not foresee this coming, even though this wasteland cannot repair or refuel this device.

INT. FOREST

JAEDEN MARTELL runs through the forest until he bumps his head and falls into a hole.

JAEDEN MARTELL

Why did I turn down Wizards of Waverly for this depressing role?

INT. ARCADIAN

MAXWELL JENKINS makes it home before sundown. NICOLAS CAGE runs out to search for JAEDEN MARTELL.

NICOLAS CAGE

Ensure the house is secure, and I better not catch you sneaking Home Alone tropes into the house.

MAXWELL JENKINS falls asleep on a rocking chair. A brown velociraptor claw GO-GO GADGETS into the house, extending a long needle toward MAXWELL's face.

MAXWELL JENKINS

Please, please, please, please, please, please let that be a finger.

When the VELOCIRAPTOR MONKEY APE enters the house, MAXWELL drops a cage hooked to the ceiling.

MAXWELL JENKINS

Got you!

(hides Home Alone VHS under his bed)

EXT. FOREST NIGHT

NICOLAS CAGE and JAEDEN MARTELL are hiding in a hole.

NICOLAS CAGE

The unspeakable evil is burrowing holes underneath us.

The MOLE VELOCIRAPTOR MONKEY APES try to come into the hole, but NICHOLAS CAGE and JAEDEN MARTELL start stabbing them with knives. NICHOLAS CAGE uses a homemade pipe bomb to blow himself up.

INT. ARCADIAN HOME

JAEDEN MARTELL carries NICHOLAS CAGE home.

JAEDEN MARTELL

Dad has blown himself up. I told him dynamite was not a close-quarters weapon!

MAXWELL JENKINS

It looks like his wounds will knock him out for three days.

JAEDEN MARTELL

(channeling Napoleon Dynamite)

Dad and I killed about 566,000 of those monsters. We both had flame throwers. The president is going to give us a medal.

MAXWELL JENKINS

I don't believe you. Prove it by killing anything in this house.

JAEDEN MARTELL

How about this monster you trapped?

(it escapes)

The monster has an ostrich neck and a dodo head. The OSTRICH DODO MOLE VELOCIRAPTOR MONKEY APE jumps at the boys, but they manage to kill it.

JAEDEN MARTELL

See. I just killed like eight just now.

INT. ROSE HOMESTEAD

JAEDEN MARTELL and MAXWELL JENKINS bring their thoroughly concussed dad to Sadie's house.

MAXWELL JENKINS

Hey Sadie, can you give my dad a bunch of Advil or something? We keep putting leaves on his gaping wounds, but it isn't helping.

JOE DIXON

We got no meds for sharing boys. We don't even think it's safe for us for you to be here. The best I can do is allow the boy who is horny for my daughter to stay.

SAMANTHA COUGHLAN

Won't somebody think of the children?

MAXWELL JENKINS

Alright…I mean…oh no, my brother has to leave me here. That is so sad. Let me help you pack, Jaeden. Have a nice trip.

JAEDEN MARTELL

Can't you think of our family for once? It seems like every time you think about girls, you screw the fami…hey, where did you go?

MAXWELL JENKINS

(inside the house)

Can't hear you. Love is lifting me up where I belong.

SADIE SOVERALL

I know my dad yelled at you for kissing me, so now I feel bad. Have some of our secret Advil. We were saving it for a holiday, but I guess we can suffer a little for your poor dad.

MAXWELL JENKINS

As cool as it is to be here and play Twilight with you, I think I should help my brother against the army of monsters coming for the house.

MAXWELL JENKINS runs away, but FARMER SCHMUCK points a gun at him.

FARMER SCHMUCK

Do I hear the faint rattle of Advil in your pocket?

(rips up a bill that restricts big business)

MAXWELL JENKINS

Sir, my dad is sick, and my brother is probably doing something dangerous, like mixing Mentos in Diet Coke or putting broccoli on pizza.

FARMER SCHMUCK

You are the reason Americans don't have jobs. Come with me to the punishing shed.

(hits a protester with an American flag)

INT. PUNISHING SHED

FARMER SCHMUCK ties up MAXWELL and plans to put a shotgun shell in his leg. The ground opens up and the indiscernible horrors swallow the farmer.

FARMER SCHMUCK

This wasn't in my conssssssspiiiiiiiiraaaacy Theorrrrriiiesss.

INT. SADIE'S HOUSE

SAMANTHA COUGHLAN finds a DODO OSTRICH MOLE VELOCIRAPTOR MONKEY APE, and it vomits blood on her and then wraps its suction lungs around her body. SADIE walks in to see her father dead and her mother consumed by the KIRBY SUCKING BLOOD VOMITING DODO OSTRICH MOLE VELOCIRAPTOR MONKEY APE.

AUDIENCE

(seriously rethinks getting the extra refill on the popcorn)

EFFECTS TEAM

More body horror! More body horror! Don't stop!

SADIE SOVERALL saves MAXWELL JENKINS from the incomprehensible monsters.

INT. ARCADIAN HOME

SADIE SOVERALL, MAXWELL JENKINS, and JAEDEN MARTELL are setting up the house.

SADIE SOVERALL

The monsters are coming, and they have at least six more distinguishing features. What are we going to do?

MAXWELL JENKINS

I have this idea.

(pats Home Alone 2 VHS)

The TEENS set up a huge icebox, start shooting holes in the floor and make a CIGAR BOMB.

NICOLAS CAGE

(waking up)

Crazy crap is happening without me!

NICOLAS CAGE grabs a shotgun and starts firing it. The monsters start vibrating their jaws up and down.

THE METH HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO KIRBY SUCKING BLOOD VOMITING DODO OSTRICH MOLE VELOCIRAPTOR MONKEY APES attack, but NICOLAS CAGE locks the door behind him.

NICOLAS CAGE

You boys, be safe. I need to pull the ol' John Krasinski self-sacrifice maneuver.

JAEDEN MARTELL

But dad, the bomb we rigged doesn't need a trigger, and the monsters will blow up regardless if you sacrifice yourself or not.

NICOLAS CAGE

Boys, I am in about 18 different movies right now. If I don't die, I will not have time to be in all of them.

The house explodes while the TEENS stay in the icebox. When the flames settle, a GIANT FLAMING DONUT starts rolling after them.

AUDIENCE

(holds breath for description)

The FLAMING GIANT DONUT METH HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO KIRBY SUCKING BLOOD VOMITING DODO OSTRICH MOLE VELOCIRAPTOR MONKEY APES tumble apart like a barrel full of monkeys on a Jenga tower.

MAXWELL JENKINS

Wow. What a messy and confusing adventure we just had.

JAEDEN MARTELL

Much like puberty.

MAXWELL JENKINS

Now, we can travel all over the land with misleading confidence and ill-prepared education, thinking we can conquer anything.

JAEDEN MARTELL

Much like young adulthood.

SADIE SOVERALL

To fully cement this imagery, I am tying my child safety leash, which I had when I was young, to the car and snapping it as we drive off.

As they drive off into the distance, prepared to note any new horrific feature that gets added to the awful monstrosities, a GHOST NICOLAS CAGE appears.

GHOST NICOLAS CAGE

Go get'm, buckeroos. Go get'm for your dad. Steal the United States Constitution!

END