FADE IN:

EXT. DEFINITELY NOT THE MIDDLE EAST

NICOLAS CAGE and RON PERLMAN race into BATTLE after BATTLE because it looked cool when they did it in X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE. No one involved in making this film spent FIVE SECONDS caring what these battles were about or who won, and neither should YOU.

Subtitle: 1332 A.D.

NICOLAS CAGE

I...

Subtitle: 1335 A.D.

NICOLAS CAGE

Love...

Subtitle: 1339 A.D.

NICOLAS CAGE

Killing...

Subtitle: 1341 A.D.

NICOLAS CAGE

People!

Subtitle: 1344 A.D.

NICOLAS CAGE

Wait a minute. I just realized all these people I'm killing are actually people.

RANDOM PRIEST

Yes, that's right. Now go kill some women and orphans and puppies. You know, for Christ.

NICOLAS CAGE

No. I quit.

RANDOM PRIEST

You can't quit the Crusades!

RON PERLMAN

This is supposed to be the Crusades? Then why did that last battle take place in the middle of a blizzard? And the Crusades ended in 1291 -- more than fifty fucking years ago!

SCREENWRITER BRAGI SCHUT

Damn it, screenwriting was so much easier before everyone had access to Wikipedia.

RANDOM PRIEST

Fine, go ahead a quit. It's just as well. We already blew our entire budget cramming six battle scenes into the first three minutes. The rest of the movie is just going to be seven idiots wandering around in an empty forest.

RON PERLMAN

Wow, this movie just went from Braveheart to a Syfy original in 180 seconds.

EXT. EUROPE

NICOLAS and RON wander around Europe for almost a MINUTE before getting ARRESTED for DESERTION. They're taken to STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE, the local priest.

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

Remember all the soldiers that captured you?

NICOLAS CAGE

Yeah, that just happened five seconds ago.

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

Forget 'em. Apparently they don't exist anymore. Now you're the only one who can help me with a sacred quest.

NICOLAS CAGE

No, I refuse to serve the church ever again.

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

But you don't even know what the quest is yet. You see, there's a monastery with the last surviving copy of "Screenwriting for Dummies," and-

NICOLAS CAGE

I'm in.

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

Awesome. And would you mind taking this witch with you? The monks will know what to do with her.

NICOLAS CAGE

How do you know she's a witch?

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

She turned me into a newt.

NICOLAS CAGE

Sigh. Okay, I guess we couldn't go through the whole script without at least one Monty Python reference. I'm glad that's out of the way. Now what?

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

Build a bridge out of her!

NICOLAS CAGE

Shut up.

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

More witches!!

Later.

NICOLAS and RON take a look at the alleged witch.

NICOLAS CAGE

We've already established that the church is bloodthirsty and misogynistic, so this poor young woman must really be innocent.

RON PERLMAN

Nope. The church may be evil in this movie, but it's 100% right about witches. In fact, let's have the witch show off her supernatural strength right here off the bat to make sure there's absolutely no mystery or intrigue.

She DOES.

NICOLAS CAGE

Okay, that's settled. Now let's gather up our travelling companions.

ULRICH THOMSEN

I'm Ulrich, the best knight in the land!

RON PERLMAN

Then why aren't you in charge instead of Nicolas, who's a prisoner and a deserter?

NICOLAS CAGE

Shut up, Ron. This is why nobody talks to you or even acknowledges you exist. You could be a ghost or a hallucination and it would make absolutely no difference to the story.

RON PERLMAN

Hey, at least I'm having some fun with this shitty script. You look like you just woke up from anesthesia. Are you reading all your lines off of cue cards for the very first time? When the producers said they wanted this to look like a Zach Snyder movie, I don't think they were talking about the acting. You're in George Lucas territory here.

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

All right, boys, settle down. You'll also need a guide to get you to the monastery... so why not another prisoner? Let's get sleazy conman Stephen Graham.

STEPHEN GRAHAM

A sleazy conman, huh? That could be fun. So what's the deal? Do I betray our heroes at a dramatic moment? Or do I get to redeem myself with a selfless sacrifice?

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

You are expecting way too much from this movie. You're here just so we have superfluous characters to die along the way.

ULRICH THOMSEN

Sucks to be you.

RON PERLMAN

Yeah, um, we need to talk, Ulrich.

NICOLAS CAGE

We'll need to take the priest along with us too.

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

Okay, but I'm not going anywhere without my favorite altar boy.

NICOLAS CAGE

An altar boy joke? Is that really the best we can do?

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

No, I'm serious. Check the script. My altar boy is coming too.

Everyone looks around uncomfortably.

NICOLAS CAGE

Alrighty then. Last but not least, we'll need The Girl.

THE GIRL

My name is Claire Foy.

NICOLAS CAGE

Nope, the script clearly identifies you as "The Girl."

THE GIRL

Wow, I'm the only female character to get any lines past the opening credits, and I don't even get a name? Sounds about right for a movie where the medieval Catholic Church turns out to be right to torture and slaughter women for witchcraft.

RON PERLMAN

If it makes you feel better, we'll later figure out you're not a witch, you're just possessed by Satan.

THE GIRL

You mean I didn't even choose to be evil?! I'm a totally helpless female who needs men to rescue me?!

NICOLAS CAGE

Okay, let's get on the road, because you know The Girl's going to have to stop and pee every five minutes, am I right, guys?

EXT. EMPTY FOREST

STEPHEN GRAHAM and ULRICH THOMSEN are KILLED on the way to the monastery in an attempt to make the middle of movie not quite as BORING as a MATLOCK REUNION SPECIAL. It doesn't work.

INT. MONASTERY

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

At last, we're here. Unfortunately, we still don't have the money for any more speaking roles, so it turns out everyone's already dead.

NICOLAS CAGE

Can we at least afford some outdated effects? How about the CGI Satan in 1999's End of Days?

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

Nope, too expensive. How about the CGI Satan from 1986's The Golden Child with Eddie Murphy?

NICOLAS CAGE

Whatever. We're 10 minutes from the end of the movie. I'm not about to start caring now.

THE GIRL suddenly transforms into CGI SATAN.

CGI SATAN

Thank you for helping me find the monastery with the last surviving copy of "Screenwriting for Dummies!" Once I destroy it, all movies will be as bad as this one! Now I'm going to use my awesome wings and claws and iron-melting fire powers to kill you all!

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

Oh, no!

CGI SATAN

Just kidding. I'm actually going to use my powers only sparingly. Apparently, I want to give you a sporting chance. For example, watch how easy it is to defeat my rampaging horde of zombie monks!

ZOMBIE MONKS attack! Well, "attack" isn't really the right word for it. More like, "impale themselves weightlessly on the end of our heroes' swords."

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

Cut off their heads! It's the only way to kill them!

RON PERLMAN

Just like the movie Spawn.

STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

No, not fucking Spawn – Highlander! We're ripping off Highlander, damn it!

CGI SATAN waits patiently until the last ZOMBIE MONK is destroyed.

CGI SATAN

And now I shall attack you myself!

CGI SATAN kills STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE.

CGI SATAN kills RON PERLMAN.

CGI SATAN

So, any chance this movie will get a sequel?

NICOLAS CAGE

None whatsoever.

CGI SATAN

That's what I thought.

CGI SATAN kills NICOLAS CAGE.

But don't forget about the ALTAR BOY! NICOLAS's death distracts CGI SATAN long enough for the ALTAR BOY to grab the sacred book that kills demons!

Suddenly, the ALTER BOY starts praying! At CGI SATAN! In Latin! Because if there's a more exciting finish to an action movie than reading aloud from a book, it's reading aloud in Latin!!!

CGI SATAN erupts in FLAMES, then gets SUCKED into another DIMENSION, or possibly into the CEILING, it's kind of hard to TELL.

THE GIRL

Um, if my body transformed into the devil, and the devil's body was destroyed, why am I suddenly lying here on the ground naked?

ALTAR BOY

Because naked.

END