EXT. MONOCHROME PRISON PLANET

ANDY SERKIS is confined to a tree. His punishment is repeating exposition.

ANDY SERKIS

I created the symbiotes in the dark, but when the light was created, they betrayed me and imprisoned me on this tree. Now I must get the codex to be free. Only my teleporting Xenophages can scour the universe and find it for me.

XENOPHAGE

Yeah, that’s cool, boss, but is there a reason you have to tell us this all the time? We know the procedure by now.

ANDY SERKIS

What do you expect? I am bored out of my mind. I just sit at this tree all day holding a sword.

EXT. MEXICO TIKI HUT- BACK IN THE LESSER MARVELVERSE

TOM HARDY is drinking himself into a stupor. CRISTO FERNANDEZ is the barman thinking about soccer.

VENOM

The multiverse is garbage.

CRISTO FERNANDEZ

Those words would have merit if you weren’t lagging behind Loki, Spider-Man: No Way Home, and even The Flash.

TOM HARDY

This is it. My last movie with Venom. It's time to end it with the promised finale, where Venom meets his arch-nemesis, Spider-Man, in the greatest showdown in comic movie history.

TOM HARDY laughs, CRISTO FERNANDEZ laughs, VENOM laughs, SONY laughs, JON FAVREU laughs, and FANS laugh.

TOM HARDY

Just kidding. You can expect the same type of shenanigans. It is a bromance tangled up in poor plot choices.

CRISTO FERNANDEZ

Tom, you are drunk for most of this movie, listless and mopey. Why on Earth would anyone call this enjoyable?

TOM HARDY

You are forgetting the best part. Venom interrupts every line of dialogue I speak. We took the magnetic chemistry of a Harris/Trump debate and built a trilogy. Here is an example: I like pineapples.

VENOM

Pineapples suck!

TOM HARDY

Let’s save a kitten.

VENOM

Kittens suck.

TOM HARDY

I need a bathroom to puke.

VENOM

Puking sucks.

TOM HARDY

You can expect this exchange through most of the movie. Leave it to Sony to take the scariest monster in the Marvel universe and make him an ADHD toddler.

VENOM starts destroying the bar, throwing glasses and knocking over things with his tentacles as CALYPSO music plays. CRISTO starts to BELIEVE.

VENOM

Is this supposed to rival Deadpool’s N’SYNC dance intro?

TOM HARDY

Deadpool’s movie is a bit too lofty for our sights, buddy. We are lucky if we can rival a musical about a murder clown sitting through court.

The TELEVISION NEWS tells TOM he is a fugitive for STEPHEN GRAHAM’S death, and he acts surprised despite clearly stating this in the last movie. HE DROPS A SPLOTCH OF VENOM GOO, just like in SPIDER-MAN: NO WAY HOME, slapping the audience in the face for ever believing a crossover could happen.

INT. AREA 55 LAB AND PRISON

JUNO TEMPLE has a useless exposition dream explaining why she and her twin brother were struck by lightning.

JUNO TEMPLE

I miss my twin brother, and I miss running through the beach during a lightning storm. If only the future held all those things in a redemptive arc.

(sighs deeply)

At least I don’t have to worry about the plot confusing anyone.

A LARGE ARROW descends from the sky and points to AREA 55 with the sign, “You are a symbiote scientist,” written in the clouds.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

We found some Venom glop at a bar in Mexico. The Imperium is collecting all the samples we find and color-coordinating them. We have a military contract and a Hasbro contract that relies on us destroying it or making it the next Christmas toy slime.

JUNO TEMPLE

I will start working on it right away! By the way, your industrial-sized eyewash has some weird problems.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Eyewash? Oh, you mean the sizeable acid-dumping machine. There was a sale at Chekhov's Gun Depot, and we got it on the cheap. It has a safety switch that allows it to be used only in the first and third acts.

STEPHEN GRAHAM is in a cage, fully transformed into the symbiote, TOXIN.

STEPHEN GRAHAM

Do you guys want to know what happened…

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Shut up, Stephen! We don’t want to know your backstory. I want to know anyone’s backstory but yours. Anyone!

(notices Clark Backo)

Do you like Christmas trees? I am calling you Christmas tree girl. That is your whole identity.

STEPHEN GRAHAM retreats to his corner to sulk.

EXT. THE FRIENDLY SKIES

TOM HARDY and VENOM are attached to a plane that flies across the United States.

TOM HARDY

Buddy, do we really need to be stuck on a plane in freezing weather?

VENOM

It is Spirit Airlines. Do you think you would be more comfortable inside the plane?

TOM HARDY

You made the right choice.

A XENOPHAGE jumps on the plane and knocks TOM HARDY off. VENOM turns into a parachute. CUE the heavy-handed exposition.

VENOM

So, in the event that a human host dies and is brought back to life by the symbiote, it creates a codex, which is a key that can free Andy Serkis from tree prison. We have the codex inside us, and every time we go into full Venom mode, the Xenophages can see us. If I only put on half of the suit, they are totally blind, but they are not blind to finding soldiers and chopping them in half.

TOM HARDY

Hey buddy, can you be a friend and let me fall to my death? I just found out this is the plot.

VENOM

Give the director a break. This is her first project, and I hear she struggled with the writer.

(realizes Kelly Marcel wrote and directed it)

It’s not all lame exposition. I can infect a horse, a fish, and a frog. That is at least as cool as Ant-Man making a Hello Kitty Pez Dispenser huge.

A TEAM of IMPERIUM TROOPERS fall from the sky and start chasing TOM HARDY. TOM wrestles a gun from one of the TROOPERS and SHOOTS them in the chest.

TOM HARDY

I can’t believe I killed someone. I am some sort of monster.

VENOM

You have witnessed me eat the heads of countless humans. You are an accomplice to several murders in this series.

TOM HARDY

Yeah, but this one was frowning when they died. If I had known that killing makes people sad, I wouldn’t have done it.

The XENOPHAGE enters the battle and CHOPS UP TROOPERS, looking for TOM HARDY.

TOM HARDY

The intelligent thing to do is never to go whole Venom and remove the problem of the Xenophage altogether.

VENOM

The smart thing is for Sony to keep pumping out these weak attempts at villain stories. Even when they suck, they get double their money back.

INT. HIPPIE VAN

RHYS IFAN, DASH MCCLOUD, HALA FINLEY, and ALANNA UBACH pick up TOM HARDY and VENOM in their WINEBAGO.

RHYS IFAN

Hop aboard, Tom; we are going to Area 51 on a family vacation. I have been saving up my whole career to take my family to a defunct military base. It was either this or putting my kids through college.

TOM HARDY

You subscribe to the writer’s logic, I see.

DASH MCCLOUD

I am afraid of aliens, so this vacation is the worst punishment you can possibly give me.

TOM HARDY

Don’t worry, little buddy. There are no such things as aliens, and if anyone disagrees with me, the terrestrial ooze will jump out of my chest and eat their skull.

RHYS IFAN

Look at the time. We haven’t had a bonk-you-over-the-head moment about the plot in five minutes. How about we sing a song about a hero who must sacrifice their life to save their loved ones?

(sings)

Venom control to Hardy Tom! Save this stinker before it bombs. Sacrifice your life and pay the price; give us a reason to stop this blight.

INT. AREA 55

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR is instructed that the symbiotes have a key that brings killer insects.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Symbiotes ruin everything. Why can’t they just let me cage them and zap them with electrodes against their will?

STEPHEN GRAHAM

Perhaps if you let me share…

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Shut up, Stephen! I hate your involvement in this lab so much. Christmas Tree Girl, come here and block out anything Stephen says. I only care about your origin story.

JUNO TEMPLE

I miss my brother, and lightning, and running, and beaches.

(waits for arc redemption)

INT. VEGAS CASINO

TOM HARDY and VENOM parted ways with the HIPPIE FAMILY. The camera stays on RHYS IFAN 300% longer than it needs to.

VENOM

Let’s play some slots.

(begins to lose horribly at the slot machine)

TOM HARDY

We are dangerously close to bankrupting ourselves.

VENOM

I can get it back. It’s only money.

TOM HARDY

I mean our comedic timing. That has overdrafted, and we are in the red.

PEGGY LU shows up.

PEGGY LU

It’s my two favorite people. What are the odds of bumping into my local convenience neighbors? Out of 1 billion Americans, we chose the same city, at the same casino. That is either miracle Vegas odds or poor writing. Come up to my penthouse suite.

PEGGY LU invites VENOM and TOM HARDY to her luxurious suite, where there is enough room for a seven-foot monster to dance with her.

VENOM

It’s time for our dance number!

A COVER OF AN ABBA SONG PLAYS. VENOM dances with PEGGY LU. The OSCAR COMMITTEE takes notice. SEVERAL CRITICS start openly crying at the power of this scene. AUDIENCES start a five-minute standing ovation. SONY gets a billion dollars on this scene alone. TIK TOK makes this scene their only clip for days. KEVIN FEIGE resigns because his career will never be as influential as this scene.

TOM HARDY

(looking into the camera and winking)

Looks like this is the last dance.

PAUL RUDD approves.

The XENOPHAGE crashes through the skylight, but IMPERIUM TROOPS crash through and separate VENOM from TOM HARDY using a sonic weapon that tears symbiote from the flesh.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

I knew that the U2 album on iPhone would come in handy one day.

INT. AREA 55

VENOM and TOM HARDY are confined to separate cells.

TOM HARDY

Where is my little buddy? He can’t live without me.

JUNO TEMPLE

It doesn’t matter now. The giant Starship Trooper ripoffs won’t kill anyone if we keep you separated.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Not good enough. If Hardy is alive, he will still do that awful accent.

(shoots Tom)

STEPHEN GRAHAM

I was wondering if I could…

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Sweet Moses on a Motorcycle, Stephen!!! What part of ‘I don’t want you feeling important to this movie’ do you not understand? Geez, now I need something to cheer me up. Christmas Tree Girl! Get in here and share your one quirk.

CHRISTMAS TREE GIRL turns into VENOM and passes the symbiote to TOM.

The XENOPHAGE crashes through the lab. JUNO releases all the SYMBIOTE COLORS and they enter into NAMELESS SECURITY GUARDS, DOCTORS and CHRISTMAS TREE GIRL.

VENOM

Full fan service!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Not Venom fan service--more like a Muppet reunion.

TOM HARDY

Wasn’t the big deal of the first movie that symbiotes have a one-in-a-million chance of finding a companion?

VENOM

Keeping rules suck!

ALL THE NEW SYMBIOTES

It’s Morphin Time!

STEPHEN GRAHAM

As Toxin, I can finally show my powers…

(dies)

HYBRID

I am two symbiotes combined…

(dies)

LASHER AND PHAGE

Our moment to shine…

(dies)

SCREAM

I shouldn’t even try, should I?

(dies)

VENOM

We suck again!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR gets mortally wounded—more XENOPHAGES tag in. JUNO TEMPLE takes a small piece of symbiote goo (while missing her brother, lightning, running, and beaches). RHYS IFAN gets his family stuck on a burning tower.

DASH MCCLOUD

This is giving me alien trauma that will take years to heal.

VENOM

(sticking his head out of Tom’s chest)

We are not so bad.

TOM HARDY and VENOM hole up in a CRASHED HELICOPTER.

VENOM

Our time is up here. There’s only one way to ensure that the codex doesn’t go to Knull.

TOM HARDY

Knull?

VENOM

The guy who is tied to a tree shouting exposition and empty threats.

TOM HARDY

Oh, right. That guy is still in this movie? I am guessing he gets free, and we have to send him back to prison.

VENOM

Or we take a giant acid bath together and kill all the second-rate vanilla minions.

TOM HARDY

We learned an important lesson about friendship and lasting relationships.

They KISS for a solid minute. VENOM quotes ROMEO AND JULIET'S PARTING WORDS. TOM HARDY puts a finger to VENOM'S LIPS and gently hushes him. TOM HARDY promises VENOM will see the rabbits.

VENOM makes a snot blanket over all the XENOPHAGES. CHIWETEL starts the ACID BATH and pops a grenade.

VENOM

We…are…free from this movie. And by we, I mean me. You are going to live through this.

(spits out Tom)

TOM HARDY

Why can't I quit you, buddy?

JUNO TEMPLE and CHRISTMAS TREE GIRL are running from the explosion.

JUNO TEMPLE

I miss my brother, lightning…HOLY CRAP! The symbiote in my pocket turned me into Agony, and the lightning gave me speed powers.

CHRISTMAS TREE GIRL

And I thought my story was dumb.

EXT. THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

TOM HARDY is sad. His involvement in KILLING STEPHEN GRAHAM was expunged on the basis that NO ONE CARES ABOUT STEPHEN.

TOM HARDY

I miss my buddy. He was like an Emo Cookie Monster who constantly disagreed with me and ruined every social engagement I got into. I will never have a relationship this good.

TOM HARDY starts reminiscing about VENOM, including memories that happened two days ago.

EXT. MONOCHROME PRISON PLANET

ANDY SERKIS is still explaining his exposition.

ANDY SERKIS

Even though Venom sacrificed himself and killed the codex, I am still escaping this prison and voiding their entire journey. Well, let’s see how Kraven the Hunter does, and maybe Sony will use me in a long-running story.

ANDY SERKIS laughs, TOM HARDY laughs, VENOM laughs, STAN LEE laughs, THE MULTIVERSE laughs, DISNEY laughs, GOD laughs.

THE END