FADE IN:

INT. PROFESSOR SADIST'S SPECIAL SCHOOL FOR FUCK YOU MISERABLE SHITS - THE PAST

Young versions of WOODY HARRELSON and NAOMIE HARRIS are being treated EVILLY.

YOUNG WOODY

Wow, it sounds like my current voice is being overdubbed onto this random young guy. Like there aren't hundreds of aspiring actors who can do a passable Woody Harrelson impression? Anyway I love you Naomie.

YOUNG NAOMIE

And I love you too OHNOOOOO! I'm being taken away by Young Whatever That Guy's Name Is! Must use Banshee powers!

(sonic screams!)

YOUNG COP

OWWWW MY EARS and that's Young Stephen Graham, thanks very much!

(shoots Naomie)

Well that's clearly the end of her. You can take away the body now, team of unscrupulous scientific researchers!

INT. PRISON - PRESENT DAY

WOODY has grown into a serial murderer with HORRIBLY FAKE RED HAIR because CARNAGE is RED. He demands to speak to TOM HARDY.

TOM HARDY

Why did you want to speak with me, a lowly disgraced reporter who used to be ON TOP but is now NOT ON TOP?

WOODY HARRELSON

I want to tell you all my secrets so you'll be BACK ON TOP.

TOM HARDY

I'd love to be BACK ON TOP! Deal! Oh, did you want to bite me now so you can start transforming into Carnage?

WOODY HARRELSON

Not if we want this to hit the minimum 90 minutes I don't. Go get BACK ON TOP and then come back later to get the actual plot started.

TOM publishes WOODY'S STORY and is once more ON TOP!

INT. TOM'S SHITTY APARTMENT WHICH SEEMS TO REMAIN EQUALLY SHITTY REGARDLESS OF TOM BEING ON TOP OR TOM NOT ON TOP, IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE TOM-TOPNESS MEANS NOTHING

With the introductions out of the way, TOM and VENOM can get down to what actually makes these movies tick: the ALIEN-OUT-OF-WATER MISMATCHED-COUPLE ROM-COM!

VENOM

I'M SO UNHAPPY TOM, YOU NEVER LET ME EAT PEOPLE. ALSO WE'VE BEEN TO TWENTY-SEVEN WEDDINGS WITHOUT EVER MARRYING EACH OTHER

TOM HARDY

Well I have issues with you too, mostly how you completely destroy everything in this apartment at all times, even when we're NOT fighting! How the fuck is this sustainable for more than two hours?

VENOM

HAHA IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, DON'T TRUST THE SYMBIOTE IN APARTMENT HAR-D, HEH HEH

(obliterates all Tom's possessions)

EXT. THE CITY

VENTOM go out on the TOWN and stop a MUGGER, but once more TOM stops VENOM from eating him because we gotta walk that fine ANTI-HERO line. Later TOM meets up with MICHELLE WILLIAMS at a fancy restaurant.

VENOM

OOOH YES WE LIKE HER. I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS I WANT A POLYCULE RIGHT? CAN WE FINALLY JUST MAKE THIS EXPLICIT PLEASE, LET'S PUT THE "BI" IN SYMBIOTE

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Tom, I thought you should know I'm engaged to wet dishrag Reid Scott from the first movie. He may not have your raw sex appeal, but on the other hand he also lacks your smouldering charisma, you understand.

TOM HARDY

I know things didn't work out with us, so now you're gonna throw yourself at the first guy who doesn't have random alien goop bursting out of his entire body, is that it?!? I can't believe you!

(storms out)

INT. PRISON

WOODY is about to be executed and requests TOM be there.

TOM HARDY

Anything to add to your generic backstory before you die?

WOODY HARRELSON

Nah, I'll stick with the usual horrible childhood recipe. But I did choose my last meal which is YOUR HAND NOM NOM NOM

WOODY manages to BITE TOM and consume some of his BLOOD, RUH ROH! He is taken to the LETHAL INJECTION CHAMBER.

WARDEN

They were out of the usual drugs so instead, we're using Alien Pathogen Enhancer Mix (with Aloe and Honey) but how could that go wrong amirite? Okay let's do this.

The INJECTION makes the small amount of VENOM PARTICLES grow into a WHOLE NEW SENTIENT ORGANISM that FUSES WITH WOODY!

WOODY HARRELSON

Shit, what a drastic side-effect! And I'm already being featured in ten Facebook groups ranting about the dangers of government-issued injections, holy fuck humanity is doomed.

CARNAGE

MWAH HA HA, LET THERE BE... CARNAGE

(carnages)

CARNAGE massacres all the GUARDS and eats the WARDEN and ESCAPES! However what the evil alien fails to realize is that all his rampant violence can only ever be SECOND BANANA to the domestic hijinks of VENTOM. Speaking of which!

INT. TOM'S PLACE

Back at home, TOM offers VENOM some live CHICKENS to eat, since being devoured by an alien parasite is actually NOT SUCH A BAD WAY TO GO for industrial chickens.

VENOM

BAH I HATE YOU TOM. IT'S TOO SOON TO FIGHT CARNAGE SO I MUST GO CREATE HILARIOUS VIGNETTES, AND DON'T WORRY ALL THE INNOCENT PEOPLE I POSSESS WHO ARE JUST TRYING TO LIVE THEIR LIFE WILL ONLY BE MILDLY TRAUMATIZED

(smashes all of Tom's worldly belongings)

(leaves)

TOM HARDY

(shrugs to camera)

That's just so Venom!

(studio audience laughter)

EXT. THE CITY

VENOM wanders about looking for ways to break TWITTER, eventually deciding that a RAVE is the best option.

CLUBBER

Great costume dude!

VENOM

(clubbing)

I AM VENOM

PARTYGOER

Hey, great costume! I love you!

VENOM

(clubbing more)

I EAT PEOPLE

RAVER

You're so awesome! That costume is so great!

VENOM

(drops mic, the intergalactic symbol for dropping the mic)

I LOVE YOU ALL

DJ

What a costume!

Eventually VENOM realizes that life without TOM is actually SAD and collapses in a corner to reflect on things, sure hope his current HUMAN HOST had nowhere to be soon.

VENOM

THAT IS A GOOD POINT. I SHALL RELEASE THIS HUMAN AND GO POSSESS THE DELIGHTFUL CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER CHARACTER WE BROUGHT BACK. DON'T WORRY I SHALL ONLY GENTLY COMPROMISE ALL HER INTERNAL ORGANS

INT. PROFESSOR SADIST'S EVIL FACILITY FOR JUST HANGING AROUND BEING EVIL ASSHOLES WITHOUT ANY DISCERNIBLE PURPOSE

Meanwhile WOODY arrives to bust out NAOMIE HARRIS from the nefarious, aimless clutches of PROFESSOR SADIST!

PROFESSOR SADIST

Cackle cackle, but seriously does anyone have the slightest idea what the fuck we're trying to achieve here

(dead)

WOODY HARRELSON

Hey Naomie! Me and my alien parasite are here to rescue you, I hope you have a wicked fetish for giant hideous tentacles!

NAOMIE HARRIS

Luckily enough, yes! This is awesome, with our combined powers we'll be unstoppable!

WOODY HARRELSON

True, except your power totally nullifies my power and makes me useless. What are the odds I'd get possessed by something whose main weakness is your specific power, huh?

Anyhoo, they commence their ESCAPE and are confronted by COPS!

CARNAGE

MWAH HA HA, LET THERE BE... CARNAGE

(engages in carnage)

INT. POLICE STATION

Meanwhile TOM has been brought in by DETECTIVE STEPHEN GRAHAM in an effort to keep having scenes in the movie.

TOM HARDY

I'm telling you, Woody is gonna try to find Naomie Harris. His cell was covered in cryptic messages like "I LOVE U NAOMIE HARRIS" and "SOMEDAY I'M GONNA ESCAPE AND MARRY NAOMIE HARRIS".

STEPHEN GRAHAM

But I shot her and everything, after her sonic powers damaged MY EAR! Look at the hearing aid in MY EAR! This is not actually a plot point despite my best efforts.

TOM uses his phone call to contact MICHELLE and spills the beans. Moments later the wall of his holding area is RIPPED APART by...

MICHELLE VENOMS

HI TOM IT'S ME POSSESSING MICHELLE AGAIN. JUST LIKE LAST MOVIE I'VE TAKEN FEMALE FORM EVEN THOUGH I DON'T CHANGE MY APPEARANCE FOR ANY OTHER HOST

They all ESCAPE!

EXT. ALLEYWAY

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Venom wants you to apologize before getting back together to fight Carnage. Make it quick, I've got some getting captured to do.

(captured!)

STEPHEN GRAHAM

And me! Don't forget me!

(sure why not, also captured)

Aw thanks.

TOM HARDY

I'm sorry Venom. The first movie worked beyond anyone's wildest dreams, and our chemistry gained us legions of fans, exactly like the abridged script predicted. I shouldn't have tampered with the formula, except for the rule of sequels kind of demanding that I do that.

VENOM

THANKS TOM I FORGIVE YOU. NOW LET US GO SAVE MICHELLE, AND WHATSISFACE IF WE HAVE TIME

(joins to Tom, yaaay! Love conquers all)

INT. CATHEDRAL

Everyone gathers for the BIG FINAL SHOWDOWN!

WOODY HARRELSON

Mwah ha, soon my evil plan to get married and murder my enemies shall reach fruition! It'll be... a Red Wedding, we even say that in the actual movie!

NAOMIE HARRIS

I suppose as long as we stop there it'll still be good.

VENTOM

NOT SO FAST, WE ARE HERE TO CHEW SCENERY AND HAVE MASSIVE STRETCHY GOOP FIGHTING, AND HONESTLY THIS SCENERY IS KIND OF BLECH SO FUCK IT LET'S FIGHT

CARNAGE

MWAH HA HA, VERY WELL, LET THERE BE... CARNAGE

(organizes symposium on carnage)

They FIGHT and in the process, realize that ringing the giant CATHEDRAL BELL allows their HUMAN ACTORS to still participate in the big showdown, at least a little. Finally NAOMIE gets flung to her death and along the way she figures FUCK IT Y'ALL CAN JOIN ME IN HELL and uses her SONIC SCREAM to turn CARNAGE into a teeny tiny puddle!

VENOM

FORTUNATELY I AM STILL MY REGULAR SIZE NOM NOM NOM

(eats Carnage puddle)

WOODY HARRELSON

Y'know I'm cool if you eat me too, I'm not looking to make this gig a whole Hiddleston thing.

(eaten)

STEPHEN GRAHAM

Oooh hey look everyone, I might be turning into a supervillain or something!

(ignored)

REID SCOTT

Also I helped this time! I'm not totally useless!

(yeah yeah)

VENOM

AH THAT'S MORE LIKE IT TOM, EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD AGAIN

TOM HARDY

Yeah except I think I'm on the lam now? Guess I'm no longer BACK ON TOP!

VENOM

WELL WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT LATER, I'M OPEN TO TRYING SOME NEW THINGS

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Oh, you guys are adorbs!! Don't worry about the pesky law, I'm sure you'll have many more sexy adventures right here in the city. Just, ah, don't buy a Peloton okay?

(winks to camera)

EXT. POST CREDITS BONUS SCENE

TOM and VENOM are on vacation!

VENOM

YOU KNOW, I CAN ACTUALLY LINK TO THE COMBINED KNOWLEDGE OF ALL SYMBIOTES EVER, JUST THOUGHT I'D BRING THAT UP. IN FACT LET ME CONNECT RIGHT NOW, GOSH I SURE HOPE SOME GOOFY SPELL DOESN'T ZAP US AT THIS EXACT MOMENT, GIVING ME ACCESS TO SYMBIOTES ACROSS ALL THE MULTIVERSES--

But just then, some kind of GOOFY SPELL happens!! Suddenly the room is DIFFERENT and J.K. SIMMONS is on the TV doing his scene from SPIDER-MAN FAR FROM HOME, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!???

TOM HARDY

The hell? What the fuck is happening-

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

(defeats Loki variant with Pym Particles)

BRIE LARSON

(flies in)

(makes subtle reference to a scene from What If? that implies one of its Easter eggs was actually foreshadowing the introduction of a fifth-string supporting character in 2025)

TOM HARDY

Ohhhhh shit, we're in the MCU, aren't we.

END