Wait, why isn't my name in the movie title? Is this my sequel or not?

THE MARVELS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. NOT THE MOON CHRIS EVANS IS ON, APPARENTLY

MRS. LOKI ZAWE ASHTON casually robs an ancient grave and digs in the dirt for some antique jewelry.

ZAWE ASHTON

Wait, there's only one here — this totally screws up my look! How the hell did we misplace the second bangle?!

DANIEL INGS

You're always giving me shit for losing one of my Air Pods — who's laughing now, huh?

INT. NEW JERSEY - IMAN VELLANI'S ROOM

Meanwhile the OTHER BANGLE is with IMAN VELLANI on EARTH! Or NEW JERSEY, anyway.

IMAN VELLANI

Hi it's me, Iman Vellani, aka Kamala Khan, aka Ms. Marvel! And don't go complaining you don't have Disney+ because my show ALSO aired on regular television. Just to quickly recap, though, I live with my Mom (Zenobia Shroff), Dad (Mohan Kapur), and brother (Saagar Shaikh), and I gained my powers when WHOOLP

(teleported!)

EXT. ORBITING SPACE STATION - EARLIER THAT DAY

Spacewalking about YET ANOTHER ORBITING SPACE BASE is workaholic astronaut TEYONAH PARRIS, who was just an innocent kid in "CAPTAIN MARVEL" but is ALL GROWN UP NOW, which is code for HELLA TRAUMATIZED.

TEYONAH PARRIS

(exposition dumping)

Yep, my mom died when I was Blipped, yep, Brie abandoned us 30 years ago, yep, I'm in space, and yep, I have powers now, too! I honestly don’t blame you if you don’t remember any of that from "WandaVision" – that was like four Benedict Wong cameos ago at this point.

Inside the base, SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON appreciates the amazing view of EARTH and its VAST OCEANS which never, ever include even the slightest glimpse of THE GIANT CELESTIAL STICKING OUT OF EARTH. He calls up BRIE LARSON, the invincible 63-year-old with a flawless skincare routine, who has become a SPACE EMO CAT LADY.

BRIE LARSON

(over comms)

Hey Sam, how’s our mutual alien pal, Ben Mendelsohn? Or his wife and their daughter? Or your closest compatriot, Cobie Smulders?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Hey Brie, um, doing swell over here. Everyone you just listed is most definitely still alive and well and not a victim of shitty writing choices or anything egregious like that...

(coughs awkwardly)

Anyhoo something's fucking with the jump point network that we seem to be in charge of now even though it's been around since Guardians Vol.1.

BRIE LARSON

Okay I'll check out the one near me...

SAMUEL L. DRAMA-CAUSING JACKSON

Meanwhile I'll have your estranged niece Teyonah check out the one right here and WHOOOPS DID I PATCH EVERYONE INTO A BIG PARTY LINE OOPSIE HAHA AWWWWKWARRRRD

The EXTREME SOCIAL AWKWARDNESS causes BRIE and TEYONAH'S POWERS to ENTANGLE!

TEYONAH PARRIS

No, it was because Brie and I touched wonky jump points simultaneously! And Iman's tangled with us because she was, um, doodling instead of doing her homework. Take that as a warning kids, stay in school!

Everyone SWAPS PLACES a bit but then UNSWAPS, allowing them to get on with their day.

BRIE LARSON

Okayyy... If we've put the switchy switchies on hold for a bit I'm gonna check out what's going on with this suspicious alien conference. Just better not be any Trade Federations down there.

INT. SKRULL COLONY ON A PERFECTLY HABITABLE PLANET, WHICH PRESUMABLY ALL SKRULLS EVERYWHERE KNOW ABOUT

ZAWE ASHTON

Hello Skrull friends. Thank you for attending this peace conference before I steal all your atmosphere, which I am plainly stating right now as my goal. Moments from now I will take it by force, dooming you all, but by starting off with this facade I'm hoping some headstrong superhero will barge in allowing me to blame everything on-

BRIE LARSON

(barges in)

ZAWE ASHTON

Perfect! AHEM ATTENTION EVERYONE THIS IS ALL BRIE'S FAULT I DIDN'T WANNA BE EVIL EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY TIPPED MY HAND AS TO THE EVILNESS OF MY PLAN anyway

(zaps open jump point)

Gotta maintain plausible deniability with the, er, interstellar press corps or whatever?

RANDOM KREE GUARD

Annihilator! Wait, is that my only line?

(checks script)

Ngl, they probably coulda just given my role to A.I. and saved a bunch on blue makeup costs.

FIGHTY FIGHT TIME starts, which triggers more SWITCHEROOS with TEYONAH and IMAN!

IMAN VELLANI

Omigod omigod omigod, in all the chaos I brought two exceptionally-well-hitpointed Kree guards to my house! Good thing I've learned LOTS of new fight moves between the end of my show, and this movie that started with the end of my show!

The assorted heroes eventually BEAT UP their respective foes, TRASHING IMAN'S HOUSE in the process.

INT. IMAN'S ANNIHILATED ABODE

While busy cleaning up the wreckage, ZENOBIA still manages to deliver PEAK PARENTAL STINK EYE to IMAN. Suddenly, SAM and TEYONAH arrive at the door!

TEYONAH PARRIS

Hello Khan family! Sam and I are from S.A.B.E.R. which stands for Some Acronym we Beverse-Engineered Retroactively. We know all about episodes 1, 2, 5, and 6 of your show.

IMAN VELLANI

Omigod omigod omigod so you know I can do THIS–

(swaps with Brie!)

For the first time in THIRTY YEARS, BRIE lays eyes on TEYONAH.

BRIE LARSON

Hi Teyonah, it's cool if I call you by your childhood nickname, right? Instead of, you know, starting by apologizing for my deadbeat dad behavior? That's a good idea, right?

TEYONAH has quickly learned from ZENOBIA and gives BRIE some MASSIVE STINK EYE of her own in response.

MOHAN KAPUR

Yeesh, this is awkward. Good thing all OUR family drama got left behind in "Ms. Marvel."

TEYONAH PARRIS

(exposition dumping)

Look, Brie, I'm not happy about it, but it seems like we're stuck together for the foreseeable future. Well, us and your biggest fan, which, make no mistake, is NOT me anymore.

ZENOBIA SHROFF

Speaking of, where the hell is Iman right now?

BRIE LARSON

(realizing, panicking)

Oh shit.

(makes flashy fist)

Damn, trying to switch back in the comfort of this living room isn't working. Oh I know, maybe if I try switching from 800 FEET IN THE AIR YEP BEST PLAN POSSIBLE HERE GOES

(zooms upward)

(swaps with Iman!)

IMAN VELLANI

(distant screaming)

TEYONAH PARRIS

Shit! I must suddenly learn to fly in a crisis situation, which worked for Brie last movie so I guess that's a family tradition now. I'm coming Iman!

TEYONAH flies up but unfortunately can only fly while INTANGIBLE so is unable to help IMAN, which you might have thought she'd anticipate but hey!

IMAN VELLANI

It's okay, I'll create a hard-light shell to protect us! Guess you actually didn't need to learn flying right now after all, ah well.

However, by using her POWERS, IMAN and TEYONAH once more swap with BRIE!

EXT. BACK AT THE SKRULL COLONY

TEYONAH and IMAN wind up captured on ZAWE's ship! Thankfully, BRIE breaks the sound barrier to arrive just in time to rescue them.

TEYONAH PARRIS

Wow, so you just flew from Earth, through the jump-points, and all the way here, in like the blink of an eye? You really could trade that spaceship in for a beach house any time you wanted, huh?

BRIE LARSON

Look, can't a lady be ridiculously OP at least ONCE in her own movie?

IMAN VELLANI

Omigod omigod omigod it's finally happened, we're all together as... THE MARVELS!

TEYONAH PARRIS

Of course that only makes sense if you know that the character of Monica Rambeau was also called Captain Marvel back in the 80s and 90s, but I guess we're going with "being the niece of Captain Marvel" as close enough.

ZAWE ASHTON

Brie, I've hated your guts for the last 30 years. Teyonah and I have that in common. Anyways, time to go all "Spaceballs" on this refugee planet.

Despite being two feet away from IMAN and her BANGLE, ZAWE decides to continue her original plan of CREATING SKY PORTALS by clanging two objects together like a toddler. BRIE, TEYONAH, and IMAN watch in horror as the planet starts crumbling around them.

BRIE LARSON

Get back to my ship, Iman!

(blasts falling debris to smithereens)

IMAN VELLANI

But I can help!

(makes hard-light ramp for Skrulls to wickedly slide to gnarly safety)

BRIE LARSON

(screaming)

IMAN, GET YOUR ASS ON MY SHIP RIGHT THIS GODDAMN SECOND OR ELSE I'M LEAVING YOU HERE TO DIE IN SEQUEL DEVELOPMENT HELL!

IMAN VELLANI

Omg no, the fans need a second season of my show to find out which boy I end up with!

INT. A SPACE EMO'S SANCTUARY

With the Skrull planet destroyed, BRIE gets help from her booty call TESSA THOMPSON, who clearly didn't read the updated "SECRET INVASION" script where the U.S. President declared open war on all extraterrestrials.

TESSA THOMPSON

Come with me to New Asgard! Can't wait to have you shapeshifters here to cut down on our costume budget for our amateur theatre performances.

(kisses Brie on the cheek)

BRIE LARSON

Wait a second — does this confirm that in the nineties, Lashana and I were...you know?

DISNEY OVERLORDS

(aghast)

Heavens no! That was just a super-platonic cheek kiss between besties. Absolutely no queer-coding here, don't worry, A.F.A.!

With the SKRULLS safely away, our HEROES figure out their next move.

BRIE LARSON

Hey, kid. Can you make yourself useful and remember some super specific coordinates from those star charts you glimpsed on Zawe's ship several traumatic experiences ago?

IMAN VELLANI

Uhh...

BRIE LARSON

Forget it, let's just use these portable Disney+ Recap Headsets instead — I just so happen to have three of them!

TEYONAH PARRIS

Okay, but only if you guarantee these things won't dredge up anything triggering from my past.

BRIE LARSON

Pinky promise.

Surprise surprise, BRIE breaks a promise to TEYONAH YET AGAIN, and the trip down Disney+ memory lane ends SPECTACULARLY BAD, with poor TEYONAH having to relive the moment she dematerialized, the moment she rematerialized, AND the moment she discovered her mom had died when she was still dust particles.

BRIE LARSON

But at least we got the coordinates... so, yay?

IMAN VELLANI

(facepalms)

You two are freaking hopeless at emotional communication. Here, bring 'er in.

(hugs a reluctant TEYONAH and BRIE)

TEYONAH PARRIS

Oh wow. You know, that really did the trick. I think I'm feeling up for a lighthearted training montage, how about you two?

BRIE LARSON

Ooh! I know just the song, it's edgy and recent without being too much of either!

(plays "INTERGALACTIC")

MARVEL FANS WHO HEARD THE SONG IN EVERY PROMO AND TEASER AND TRAILER

oh yay this one again

Within two minutes of the Beastie Boys spitting rhymes, our three girls solve their main swapping-places complication, because girls really ARE better at everything, okay? Deal with it, manbabies.

EXT. A THEATRE NERD'S FEVER DREAM

The trio puts their heads together to figure out ZAWE'S next target: a MUSICAL THEATRE PLANET which also happens to be the home of BRIE'S BEARD, PARK SEO-JUN. They land, and suddenly BRIE gains the power of MAGICAL PRETTY DRESS SUMMONING because this is the girl movie and we WANT TO SEE A PRETTY CAPTAIN MARVEL-THEMED DRESS, OKAY? Go figure out some elaborate justification if it makes you feel better.

PARK SEO-JUN

(singing)

Yes, it's me. So lovely to meet you three!

BRIE LARSON

(singing)

Watch out for Zawe, she's not here to play!

PARK SEO-JUN

(singing)

I'd hate to be in mourning, so thank you for the warning.

TEYONAH PARRIS

(aside)

Why are they rhyming when the actual movie didn't bother...

BRIE LARSON

(cringing)

Okay yikes, this gimmick has already gotten old. Let's just say you're bilingual. Plus, we were hoping you could somehow provide battle-ready costumes for us if that's okay.

PARK SEO-JUN

Don't you guys have your superhero costumes with you, on your spaceship? You were racing to get here ahead of Zawe, so why aren't you wearing them right now?

TEYONAH PARRIS

All true, but there's an Obligatory New Costumes™ clause we have to fulfill, so if you wouldn't mind creating brand-new personalized tailored costumes for us in the next few minutes...?

PARK SEO-JUN

Very well! I shall produce the costumes with a snap of my fingers, in a heroic feat of being edited for time! Oh also Iman, your costume comes with a battle-scarf, you know how to use one of those, right?

IMAN VELLANI

Sure, why the fuck not.

All SUITED UP, everyone prepares for BIG BATTLE #2. Thankfully, ZAWE isn't a total monster, and she considerately waits until the Marvels™ and the entire Aladnan army are ready to go before she ATTACKS.

IMAN VELLANI

Soooo what's our strategy, exactly?

BRIE LARSON

(blinks)

Strategy?

Despite all their newfound JUMP ROPE and GLASS-OF-WATER BALANCING skills, our HEROES are unable to OUT-PUNCHZAP ZAWE and the planet's WATER begins getting ported away! The MARVELS all pile into BRIE'S SPACESHIP pursued by ALL THE MISSILES and IMAN makes the EXTREMELY TOUGH CHOICE to NOT get blown to smithereens, activating a JUMP-POINT!

EXT. YET ANOTHER EMPTY PLANET THE SKRULLS ON EARTH COULD HAVE LIVED ON

Our heroic trio crash-land in an abandoned field for a quick GROUP THERAPY SESH.

BRIE LARSON

Okay, time to finally come clean, I guess. So Teyonah, I avoided Earth for three decades and never helped the Avengers because I was ashamed that I killed an evil A.I. and accidentally caused a civil war. Come to think of it...like half the Avengers have done a lot worse, and THEY still get to see their families.

TEYONAH PARRIS

At least you didn't actually give my mom a terminal illness or leave her to die alone like everyone spent the last 2.5 years thinking, so okay yeah, I forgive you.

IMAN VELLANI

(waves)

Don't forget, I'm in this scene, too! Sorry for being an overeager fangirl, even though I technically only did that like once before you let hundreds of Skrulls die and my lofty opinion of you was shattered.

BRIE LARSON

So glad we got that mushy girly stuff out of the way! Back to punchie punchie fighty fighty time!

(realizes)

Wait a sec, Zawe wants to rebuild Hala by stealing from everywhere I've called home. She has air and water now, so the only thing missing to create a functional Utopia is...

TEYONAH PARRIS

(gasps)

Of course! That valuable resource found only on Earth—

BRIE LARSON

(eyes widening in horror)

Our extremely effective and not-at-all mind-numbing press junkets and promotional appearances! Without those, our box office will plummet! Quick, back to the Briemobile!

IMAN VELLANI

So the musical water planet is just fucked then...

TEYONAH PARRIS

NO TIME FOR THAT WE GOTTA GO PLAY SPIT CUP ON FALLON STAT!

Everyone rushes onto the ship and they zoom back to S.A.B.E.R.!

INT. SAM'S SPACE STATION

Our heroes arrive at S.A.B.E.R. to see the personnel being devoured by FLERKITTENS to the tune of "MEMORIES," thus immediately ascending this movie to the status of best film adaptation of "CATS" ever.

SAMUEL L. KITTY-HERDING JACKSON

Betcha didn't see THAT nonsensical egg infestation subplot payoff coming, did ya?

While HUNDREDS of terrified crew members RUN FOR THEIR LIVES, BRIE, SAM, IMAN and her family sadistically corner them with hungry Flerkittens to save space on the evacuation pods, and damn, what is with all these crisis scenarios running out of evacuation vehicles??

MOHAN KAPUR

Shouldn't we also get eaten by the Flerkittens to save room?

SAMUEL L. CAPSULE-HAVING JACKSON

Oh I'm sorry, did you WANT less screen time? Besides, I need someone to banter with, dammit!

SAAGAR SHAIKH

I'm just happy to be included, ngl. Although I do still feel weird that my wife Travina's not here with me, guess she misread the call sheet.

SAMUEL L. STATION-LEAVING JACKSON

(ignoring Saagar)

Good luck with Zawe, ladies. It's all up to you three. The other Avengers sent messages saying "haha now it's YOUR turn to not have US around."

(pauses)

And it's not like there's some kind of Super-Skrull kicking around Earth with the powers of EVERY CHARACTER FROM ENDGAME that I could message... seriously, FUCK that fucking show. Fuck it SO HARD.

INT. KREE SHIP

With her entire army having been apparently WIPED OUT by an alien glee club, ZAWE stands alone on her ship, trying to figure out how to jam an ENTIRE GODDAMN SUN through a regular-sized JUMP POINT.

TEYONAH PARRIS

(manifesting out of thin air)

Just to clarify, are you trying to steal OUR sun, or are you trying to steal Iman's bangle so that you can restart YOUR sun?

ZAWE ASHTON

Um, both? Backups on backups on backups, I always say.

BRIE LARSON

For the sake of this finale, can it be that you want Iman's bangle? And that you have to fight us for it? It'd be kind of a dud note to close out on if we DON'T punch each other again.

The Marvels™ opt to break all MCU conventions by dog-piling on ZAWE simultaneously, rather than waiting in turn to give each hero their respective BIG FIGHT MOMENT. All at once, BRIE BITCH-SLAPS ZAWE, IMAN pummels her with platforms, and TEYONAH drop-kicks her across the room.

BRIE LARSON

Time for the tried-and-true finishing move of a devastating stab wound to the lower abdomen!

Just when they think they've won, ZAWE pulls a fast one on the team and unexpectedly overpowers IMAN, stealing her bangle and pissing off every overprotective "MS. MARVEL" fan in the process.

ZAWE ASHTON

Mwahaha, now nothing can stop me from joining the bangles together and... exploding? What the

(dead)

TEYONAH PARRIS

Phew, Zawe is dead and our powers have finally disentangled — not sure how we suddenly discovered this, but who cares? — so all is well! Whaddya say we call it a day, team?

(handed script rewrites)

Oh, but, ah... she's also opened a tear in reality to another multiverse! Ruh roh!

TREE HIDDLESTON

God DAMMIT everyone trying to steal my credit for opening up the multiverse, can you please just acknowledge MY fucking show for once?

TEYONAH PARRIS

(ignoring him)

ANYHOOOO since we all have energy zappy powers, it follows that the solution to this problem is to use LOTS AND LOTS of zappy energy.

BRIE LARSON

Right. Here, let's put the two bangles on Iman, even though Zawe just fucking exploded in my face trying to use both at once.

IMAN VELLANI

I guess I'll be okay because of being part Clandestine or a mutant or whatever, not that you knew about any of that.

BRIE LARSON

Eh, it's a Marvel team-up — a teen hero's gotta do something exceptionally risky at least ONCE.

BRIE and IMAN blast TEYONAH with the base energy of multiple suns, pretty much, and she somehow DOESN'T DIE. Instead, an even-more-powered-up TEYONAH zooms through the tear in space-time to end up on the OTHER SIDE.

TEYONAH PARRIS

(grunting, screaming in agony)

MUST. SHOW. EFFORT. EXERTED. OR. ELSE. SACRIFICE. WON'T. BE. IMPRESSIVE. ENOUGH.

BRIE LARSON

Okay Teyonah good work, the, um... acoustic panels?... of space-time are closing, you can come back now.

TEYONAH PARRIS

Sorry Brie, I'm actually NOT coming home. See how it feels, why don't ya?

BRIE LAUNCHES into SPACE at FULL SPEED and gets REALLY SUPER CLOSE to saving TEYONAH, only for the tear to close juuusssssttttt at the very last possible second, trapping TEYONAH and leaving a depressed BRIE floating alone in space.

IMAN VELLANI

How odd that you could get from Earth to a jump-point to the Skrull colony in like two seconds to rescue us earlier, but you couldn't get from this ship to that objectively-much-closer portal in time to save Teyonah...

BRIE LARSON

(glares daggers at writers NIA DACOSTA, MEGAN MCDONNELL, and ELISSA KARASIK)

Thanks for nothing.

IMAN VELLANI

(awkwardly)

So, this has been a time. Is our space adventure done? Should I head home now? I got a math test tomorrow, and tbh, this whole interplanetary excursion really fucked with my study schedule.

BRIE LARSON

You go ahead, I gotta swing by the Kree homeworld and jump-start their dying sun real super quick. Turns out the solution all along to the huge crisis I caused was me realizing that I can just... fix it.

(glares more daggers)

EXT. ANTHONY MACKIE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - A FEW DAYS LATER

BRIE and IMAN and IMAN'S FAMILY unload boxes into TEYONAH and LASHANA'S OLD HOUSE, where presumably somebody is MOVING IN.

ZENOBIA SHROFF

Wait, are we moving here? After all, our house DID get demolished and it's partially Brie's fault. It's the least she could do.

BRIE LARSON

No, I think I'M moving in. Look, here's a box of Goose's shit, and there's a plate from my wedding to Seo-Jun.

ZENOBIA SHROFF

Okay, so then why am I pressuring my son to start a family here? That seems odd if it's your house. It's all very confusing.

IMAN VELLANI

Yeah, like, were you just keeping all these empty U-Haul boxes in the back of your spaceship?

BRIE LARSON

Look, those boxes all came with the Subaru I got from Tessa for my sham wedding, okay? And maybe we're ALL moving in, it's a big house.

(smiles)

But the important thing is now that I've made peace with my mistakes and learned to appreciate my family again, I can finally settle down and focus on good ol' Earth.

ENTIRE REST OF THE UNIVERSE

(robbed)

BRIE LARSON

Oh come on! I thought the new Guardians team wasn't TOTALLY useless?

EXT. MID-CREDITS SCENE HAILEE'S HIDEOUT

Rather than, I dunno, work with BRIE to search for their lost teammate, IMAN decides to enact CLEAN SLATE PROTOCOL and just start a new team altogether.

IMAN VELLANI

For extra fun I'm going to shoutout the end of "Iron Man," so I guess Paul Rudd's tell-all book really did cover EVERYTHING.

HAILEE STEINFELD

Rather than freak out about an intruder I'll choose instead to take exception to being called a "kid". I'm just glad it only took two years for me to be acknowledged again! Tough shit, Paul B. and Anthony and Sebastian and Simu and Oscar and Kit and Mahershala and all the Eternals and

END (BUT NOT QUITE)

INT. MID-CREDITS SCENE

NOT-DEAD TEYONAH wakes up in a hospital bed in... the FOX-VERSE?!

TEY-ALMOST PERISHED

Wow, talk about rand—

(sees Lashana Lynch!)

Holy shit it's my mom! Is this one of the MCU's many afterlife options?

KELSEY GRAMMFUR

(paws for applaws)

Considering the franchise I was plucked from, I'd say yeah.

TEYONAH PARRIS

Wow, what a nice opportunity for a meaningful moment between a still-grieving daughter and an alt-universe variant of her not-dead mom! Too bad we're undercutting it with some CGI nostalgia bait.

LASHANA LYNCH

At least I get a cool costume reveal! AND I have both bangles for some reason. Can't wait to definitely show up in an upcoming project!

HARRY STYLES, CHARLIZE THERON, & BRETT GOLDSTEIN

Get in line.

END

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