INT. THE RUINS OF PERU/CHILE/URUGUAY - BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND AN EPISODE GUIDE, SO YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH GENERIC NOUNS

HAYLEY ATWELL is running from GUARDS while holding a GREEN BOX. She falls off a bridge, rolls down a hill, trips over a waterfall, tumbles into vines, and barrels into a den of panthers.

HAYLEY ATWELL

The real treasure is being able to walk in a straight line.

NOLAN NORTH

You're telling me. Nathan Drake has never put his feet on solid ground for longer than a minute.

HAYLEY ATWELL

You are my uncle in this one, not Nathan Drake, so please keep our original series in mind.

NOLAN NORTH

OK, but at least act a little British like the true Lara Croft.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Ey, guvna, we are in a sticky wicket, init?

NOLAN NORTH

Never mind, go back to the generic Mary Sue voice.

HAYLEY ATWELL

I have the green box that almost got me killed several times.

NOLAN NORTH

My last words to you before I die protecting you is to survive at all costs. No matter what the world throws, you must do whatever it takes to stay alive.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Okay, so don't go on mega-dangerous treasure hunts filled with traps.

NOLAN NORTH

No, no, no you still have to risk life and limb to get treasure, but you should not die while doing it.

HAYLEY ATWELL

You died saving me. Talk about hypocrisy.

NOLAN NORTH

(dies)

HAYLEY ATWELL

(sheds tears 1 of 50)

INT. LARA CROFT MANOR

HAYLEY ATWELL has just finished locking the butler into the freezer when her sassy friend, ALLAN MOLDANADO, appears.

ALLEN MALDONADO

I can't believe you will sell all of your dad's treasures and give up the raiding business.

HAYLEY ATWELL

(sheds tears 3 of 50)

Yes, my raiding days are over. The only trips I take are guilt trips about my dead dad and uncle.

ALLEN MALDONADO

I guess the ethical thing is to return them to the cultures they were taken from.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Heck no! I am selling them to rich white people. I am retiring, not stupid.

EARL BAYLON

Do you need another ethnically diverse friend just in case the other one dies?

HAYLEY ATWELL

Sure, but just make sure you don't die. I get a good ending if I keep you alive throughout the series.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Hello Lara, I would like to bid on one of your many auction items-perhaps the one you have locked away in a vault.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Why are you dressed all in black with night vision goggles?

RICHARD ARMITAGE

(steals her green box)

HAYLEY ATWELL chases him by Sportster, Razor Scooter, Huffy Bike, and Pogostick. He gets away because she screws up the on-screen button prompts.

EXT. VILLAGE IN CHINA/MALAYSIA/MONGOLIA- I DON'T WANT TO WATCH THIS AGAIN FOR PROPER NOUNS.

HAYLEY ATWELL is looking for the other COLORED BOXES scattered worldwide. She winds up in a village.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Sweet Thanos! Now, I have to get out of retirement for one last heist. If I were a little smarter, I would have opened the box and seen an infinity…I mean peril stone.

OLD VILLAGE LADY

Yes, I can tell you exactly where the second stone is, but first, you have to finish this side quest and rescue all the children.

HAYLEY ATWELL

No side quests! The main story quests only!

OLD VILLAGE LADY

Oh, I would hate for these missing children to wind up like your dad or uncle.

HAYLEY ATWELL

(sheds tears 17 of 50)

Fuuuuuu…fine, but I only do it for the XP boost and stats.

INT. UNRAIDED TOMB

HAYLEY ATWELL dodges spikes, somersaults over burning logs, traverses a pit of snakes, outruns giant boulders, and kills a mid-level FOX SPIRIT boss.

HAYLEY ATWELL

According to Chinese Legend, the Ninetails Fox goddess bottled up all the chaos emeralds to keep the world at peace. Now, Robotnik wants to steal them to unleash Bowser's wrath into the Netherworld.

EARL BAYLON

Wow, you weren't paying attention, were you?

HAYLEY ATWELL

That's okay; neither was the audience, but I get the gist.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Hayley! Give me the yellow stone, or I will use green stone powers to make you into a zombie…or, as they say in the industry, an employee at Blizzard.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Richard? We are animated, so you have an unlimited FX budget. Think bigger.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

How about a Biblical-level flood knocks you around like Eddy Gordo in an air combo?

HAYLEY ATWELL and EARL BAYLON get powerfully ravished by the flood.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Earl is dead, and the stone is gone!!! The checkpoint was two cutscenes ago, so I can't pick up from the last save.

(sheds tears 22 of 50)

EXT. ISTANBUL BUT NOT CONSTANTINOPLE

HAYLEY must break into a TYRANT HEIRESS' COMPOUND to get the red stone.

ALLEN MALDONADO

Look, I am going to help you, but you have to promise not to let me die. Let me just sit at a computer and make cheesy one-liners.

HAYLEY ATWELL

My games have never been co-op. I promise nothing.

HAYLEY breaks into the MANSION with stealth.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Stealth? Like the PS2 game Angel of Darkness. That one almost bankrupted the entire series.

TYRANT HEIRESS

I am a crazy, militant whack job. Kill! Drink her blood! Eat her soul!

HAYLEY ATWELL

Gee, I wonder what the red stone power is!

HAYLEY ATWELL grabs the red stone and begins racking up a 30x death combo on military thugs.

GAME ANNOUNCER

Killtacular!!!

HAYLEY ATWELL

I can always enter COD Warzone competitions if this tomb-raiding business runs dry.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE

RICHARD ARMITAGE explains his devious plan to HAYLEY.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

My family was killed by an evil terrorist group called The Light. Now I need all the stones to beat the crap out of them. I know my actions will send the world into chaos, but getting revenge feels so good.

HAYLEY ATWELL

(sheds tears 30 out of 50)

That reminds me of my family getting murdered by a different terrorist group called Trinity.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Is everything about you?

INT. FRENCH CATACOMBS

HAYLEY ATWELL teams up with ZOE BOYLE, a French International Inspector,to find the clues to the next peril stone.

HAYLEY ATWELL

But first I am going to take a bath.

HAYLEY downloads the NUDE MOD.

ZOE BOYLE

Before we kick some severe catacomb deri-are, I remind you about our shattered relationship.

HAYLEY ATWELL

(sheds tears 32 out of 50)

Damnit Zoe! Really? I just applied this mascara.

ZOE BOYLE

Maybe you need to steal a counseling subscription from the tomb of BetterHelp.com.

HAYLEY ATWELL and ZOE BOYLE shoot a bunch of UNDEAD TEMPLAR KNIGHTS and steal the peril stone.

INT. TRAIN TO IRAN

HAYLEY confronts RICHARD ARMITAGE on the train. She fights an army of brainwashed train guests. But seriously, you need to be brainwashed to use a train in Iran. Hey-oh!

RICHARD ARMITAGE

You must choose between your brainwashed friend, Earl Baylon, and keeping the stones safe.

HAYLEY ATWELL

You are right! Whenever I fire an arrow at you, someone jumps in front of it. I am sure that wouldn't work with my gun, but I don't want to try it.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

That is not my zombie stone; these people are desperate to get off a train to Iran.

HAYLEY ATWELL sends several innocent victims into the hospital, but it's okay because she is SAD about it. She loses the stones in the process.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Well, now the Earth is going to pot! Thunderstorms, hurricanes, hailstorms, and cyclones are ravaging the whole world.

AL GORE

I might have an explanation for that.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Shut up, Al Gore. You are not an unlockable character!

EXT. THEME PARK IN CHINA

HAYLEY ATWELL, EARL BAYLON, and ALLEN MALDONADO are at a Chinese theme park (because China is famously known for having fun).

HAYLEY ATWELL

I was just in Asia!! I hate when games make you backtrack! That is not a good gameplay design!

ALLEN MALDONADO

According to this legend on convenientlegends.com, the stone is buried under a golden tree.

HAYLEY ATWELL

The greed stone is black, the most evil and devious of colors.

ALLAN MOLDANDADO

Ummm Hayley?

EARL BAYLON

Not cool.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Don't you dare shame me. The name of this tomb level is called The Yellow Empire. We need to solve this puzzle by turning and spinning around statues.

EARL BAYLON

Alright, Dora the Explorer, let's go solve this mystery.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

I did a level skip cheat, and I beat you to it!

HAYLEY ATWELL kite surfs over zombies, grinds a rail, does a 540 in a half-pipe, and collects all the secret tapes. She finds a hidden paradise.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

I collected the last stone. Now, I will become a super mega last boss.

RICHARD ARMITAGE turns into SUPER SAIYAN ARMITAGE. He throws HAYLEY off a mountain!

HEIHACHI FROM TEKKEN

That is my schtick! Hands off!

EARL BAYLON

Don't get revenge, Hayley. You are better than this.

HAYLEY ATWELL

(sheds tears 41 out of 50)

Stop making me cry; I am climbing this mountain.

ZOE BOYLE

Your legacy lives within you, Hayley, not in hatred and revenge.

HAYLEY ATWELL

(sheds tears 42 out of 50)

Seriously, I should be the most dehydrated person on Earth with all this crying.

HAYLEY ATWELL and EARL BAYLON wake up…

HAYLEY ATWELL

In the same country? Man, I thought I would be in Italy, Cincinnati, or Tokyo. After all my tears, soul-searching, and flashbacks about my childhood friends, I am ready to admit that I am a horrible…

EARL BAYLON

Tomb Raider?

ALLAN MOLDANDADO

Game series?

HAYLEY ATWELL

I was going to say friend. But now I promise all my baggage is behind me.

(sheds a hidden tear)

INT. ARCTIC ICE STATION

HAYLEY ATWELL is fighting RICHARD ARMITAGE at an arctic weather station.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Thank goodness I traveled. I was feeling stir-crazy in China.

RICHARD ARMITAGE turns into a DRAGON with a kung-fu action grip. HAYLEY ATWELL and ZOE BOYLE hack and shoot at his weak points until all the stones fall out.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Why were we worried about this guy? A single grenade, four shotgun shots, or a strong melee could have done him in. This is looking less like a Sephiroth and more like a Glass Joe.

ZOE BOYLE

You beat the final boss. Now, let the credits roll.

HAYLEY ATWELL

I am a completionist. I need to beat the game 100% or nothing. Plus, I got the DLC for an upgraded grappling hook and twin pistols.

INT. KUNLUN/ADIRONDACK/CATSKILL MOUNTAINS- AT THIS POINT DOES IT MATTER?

HAYLEY ATWELL and EARL BAYLON go into a mountain tomb. HAYLEY leaps over lava pits, explodes a red barrel, falls under an avalanche, gets electrocuted by eels, drowns in a cesspool, and rolls into poison ivy.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Now to raid the tomb…

HAYLEY ATWELL gets worked over by wolves, beaten up by bison, mauled by mallards, and eviscerated by elephants.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Finally…

HAYLEY ATWELL gets bludgeoned by barracudas, pulverized by pikes, and atomized by air vents.

HAYLEY ATWELL

LET ME FINISH THIS MISSION!!!

Fine, the joke was getting stale, anyway. She gives the stones to the goddess, and the world returns to normal. Except…

HAYLEY gets terrorized by a T-Rex, cut up by a Kodiak, and unearthed by an earthquake.

HAYLEY ATWELL

(in a body cast)

I need to go back to my Only Fans career, where I hold relics with my feet.

EARL BAYLON

You did it, Haley! You made it through fifteen countries without losing any new friends.

HAYLEY ATWELL

(sheds tears 50 out of 50)

XBOX ACHIEVEMENT

Turning an iconic gaming heroine into a crying mess!

HAYLEY ATWELL

It took us eight episodes to literally show everyone that the real treasure is the friends you make along the way. Way to nail the Nick Junior moral.

EARL BAYLON

Won't the fanboys raise hell because you are emotional and sensitive in this one?

FANBOYS

(meanwhile)

Rewind it back to the bath scene again. This time, play it in slow-mo.

HAYLEY ATWELL

(laughing)

I think they will be just fine.

THE END