FADE IN:

EXT. THAT REALLY TALL BUILDING IN KUALA LUMPUR THAT TOM CRUISE SCALED THAT ONE TIME

FLORENCE PUGH stands on the edge of the roof, trying to decide between agreeing to another multi-MCU-project deal or just FALLING OFF.

FLORENCE PUGH

I'm thinking, I'm thinking. Don't rush.

(pause)

(steps forward)

Well shit if I back out now this becomes the start of Megalopolis, HERE WE GOOOOOOO

FLORENCE gracefully DIVES OFF... but her PARACHUTE deploys, so looks like we're in for more adventures with YELENA, YELENYAAY! She lands on the roof of a SECRET HI-TECH LABORATORY guarded by MANY GUARDS, and busts out HIGH-OCTANE BLACK WIDOW FIGHT MOVES until the whole place EXPLODES from all the OCTANE!

FLORENCE PUGH

(strolling away)

Ah yes, another successful mission that only someone of my ridiculous skill level, or maybe some random asshole with a RPG, could have pulled off.

FLORENCE makes a phone call to EVIL JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS whose hair is EVIL.

FLORENCE PUGH

Job is done, but all this shadowy assassin-spy stuff is bumming me out. I was thinking I could pivot to world-renowned beloved super hero next time, cool?

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

(on phone)

What an absurd idea that we wind up ending the movie with, so why not. But FIRST, I need you to do One Last Job. Specifically, I need you to go at night to my secret underground totally unlit maximum-security vault to snuff someone out. Your target will be dressed in grey and black, and so will you, and you'll find them in the black and grey room, which is every room. Off you go!

INT. JULIA'S SUPER SECRET SHADOWY VAULT LAIR THINGIE

FLORENCE spots her grey-black target, none other than HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN from ANT-MAN AND THE WASP, a film in COLOUR! In which it was suggested she ended up a GOOD GUY, but hey.

FLORENCE PUGH

I guess Julia decided there was only enough room in the MCU for ONE woman with a hyphenated last name where the first part is also a common guy's name...

FLORENCE prepares to attack BUT!

WYATT RUSSELL

Ah ha, I'm also here in my black and grey suit where even the red and blue looks grey and black! They should have just bit the damn bullet and filmed this thing in B&W for fuck's sake.

They FIGHT but then OLGA KURYLENKO is there to fight in HER black and grey suit which at least has ORANGE HIGHLIGHTS on it-

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

Orange highlights?!? Fuck that!

(shoots Olga in head)

FLORENCE PUGH

NNOOOOO you asshole she had this whole arc in Black Widow about breaking free of her assassin conditioning to be her own person full of new potential! Which she then apparently spent on becoming an assassin mindlessly following orders so maybe this is for the best.

WYATT RUSSELL

Well now that ONE of us has killed someone, I guess the rest of us can forget about our orders to kill the other rest of us.

(cracks open beer)

LEWIS PULLMAN

(appearing)

Oh phew, so the fight's over? Don't mind me, I was trapped down here in this sealed vault after being subjected to weird experimental medical procedures, so I'm just a regular ordinary dude.

(puppy dog eyes)

FLORENCE PUGH

Awwww you remind me of that gerbil I saved from the lab who is now fuck knows where, c'mere you adorbs little

(gives belly rub)

WYATT RUSSELL

Grrr I don't trust you Lewis! I think you're only IN this vault because your Dad's a famous actor and you're just some coat-tail-riding nepo baby SHUT UP YOU'RE PROJECTING.

INT. CONGRESSIONAL INQUIRY ROOM

Meanwhile JULIA is facing impeachment by CONGRESS on three counts of looking suspiciously like TULSI GABBARD, two of those counts being the HAIR.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

This is absurd, of course I haven't been using my appointed government position to be cartoonlishly corrupt and evil! What do you think this is, reality?

CONGRESSMAN (...YEAH, STILL SEEMS WEIRD) SEBASTIAN STAN

Listen Julia, you might feel smug now but we're gonna produce SO MUCH EVIDENCE, like REALLY SOON, about all your illegal black-ops shenanigans, and OOOOOH you'll be SO TOAST then! I'm telling you, SOOOO MUCH evidence!

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Heh heh, yep, all that flammable burnable evidence. Heh heh.

(orders giant pile of silver nitrate film stock and case of BBQ lighters from evilpowerhungryegomaniacsupplies.com, formerly amazon.com)

INT. BACK IN THE VAULT

FLORENCE realizes the frequent cutaways to dull government hearings during their tense action crisis, are a CLUE!

FLORENCE PUGH

Don't you see, this is all a set-up! Julia planned for us to all kill each other before incinerating us to a crisp, kind of makes the killing each other unnecessary I guess.

As if to prove her point GIANT DOORS slam shut, TRAPPING our anti-heroes! EVIL MACHINERY begins humming!

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

Fuck no, I saw this scene in that Escape Room movie, I'm outie!

HANNAH attempts to use her PHASE POWER to escape but is BLOCKED!

WYATT RUSSELL

Damn, this room is specially designed to trap Hannah, now we're all gonna die! And since the power source for the anti-Hannah device is surely anywhere else on Earth besides "inside this room", there's NO WAY for us to oh wait there it is.

(smashes power source)

HANNAH tries again and successfully PHASES out of the room, waits a bit for dramatic suspense, and then OPENS the door for the others in the nick of time! They LEAP OUT just as the FIREBALL goes off, MURKILY somehow!

FLORENCE PUGH

Phew! Now, when Julia realizes we're still alive, she'll send in waves of low-level NPCs for us to clobber, but I have a plan. They'll be using infrared so we'll lure them in, then I'll turn on all the lights-

ELECTRICAL PANEL

LIGHTS?!? BWAH HA HA HA GOOD ONE FLORENCE

(explodes)

FLORENCE PUGH

-sorry, I mean, TRY to turn on the lights but fail, so we'll have a big dark black/grey fight scene in the dark. Sigh.

They PUMMEL waves of MERCS and steal a TRUCK, but there's a CHECKPOINT!

LEWIS PULLMAN

It's okay, I'll distract them by running out in the open and firing a gun in the air, sacrificing my life for two random assholes and a girl I've known all of five minutes!

(gunned down)

Ow?

(regains footing)

Ohmigod those weird medical experiments gave me super powers! Fuck, it's getting like us MCU folk can't even go to the dentist without becoming superhumaaaaaaaaaaaan

(flies upwards!)

LEWIS soon becomes a BLACK SPECK in a GREY SKY but then becomes a CHARCOAL SMUDGE plummeting downwards through SLATE CLOUDS and smashing a EBONY CRATER in the LICORICE (real version, not that cherry plastic crap) GROUND! Our anti-heroes use the commotion to ESCAPE!

EXT. WIDE OPEN DESERT, THE NEXT - WAIT WHAT IS THIS STRANGE ATMOSPHERIC PHENOMENON - OH RIGHT, DAY

FLORENCE, WYATT, and HANNAH trudge through the desert when suddenly!

DAVID HARBOUR

(drives up in limo)

Florence it's me!! For some bizarre reason Julia used my limo service, called Red Guardian, obviously owned by the father of one of her covert agents! And then she discussed her evil plans to kill you while in my limo which, again, RED GUARDIAN in giant letters on the side! Anyway she mentioned this huge sprawling desert so that's how I could drive right up to your exact co-ordinates.

They all PILE INTO the limo.

FLORENCE PUGH

Don't think I'm not still pissed at you David, I haven't heard from you in A WHOLE YEAR.

DAVID HARBOUR

Didn't you disappear for FIVE years?

FLORENCE PUGH

That was the Blip though! Which may or may not have happened to you also, we never get into that! Anyway you suck!

DAVID HARBOUR

At least I'm here now, unlike Rachel Weisz.

FLORENCE PUGH

Who?

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

Oh shit, mercenary vehicles on our tail! But Sebastian is on THEIR tail, yay! And I think waaaay back there might be Wonder Gadot, fucking step on it!

Indeed SEBASTIAN has arrived with his ACTION MOTORCYCLE PLAYSET featuring EXPLOSIVE-ACTION DISC LAUNCHING ACTION! He FRAGS the merc convoy and CAPTURES everyone!

SEBASTIAN STAN

Yay me! I knew those two super-soldiers and the phase-shifter had no defence against their car being flipped over.

INT. RANDOM ABANDONED AUTO SHOP

SEBASTIAN drags everyone over to the auto shop and has just finished putting them in custom restraints when he gets a call from JULIA'S mild-mannered assistant GERALDINE VISWANATHAN whose hair is GOOD and TRUSTWORTHY.

GERALDINE VISWANATHAN

(on phone)

Seb, I have a serious problem with Julia's evil plans, mostly the evil part. That's why I sent you alllll the way to the desert but NOW please come alllll the way back here because I think Julia's turning Lewis into Homelander or something? Bring all the help you can!

FLORENCE PUGH

This is what we've been saying! You need our help with this imminent threat, we know ALL ABOUT the various logos that were considered for it! There were SO MANY logos, Bucky.

SEBASTIAN STAN

(smashes phone)

Dammit you're right, there's NOBODY ELSE I could call, certainly not the hero of a movie that I APPEARED IN like THREE MONTHS AGO and who I left on GOOD TERMS WITH, GOD DAMMIT

(wrecks shit)

(sighs)

And what's with all this "the Avengers are gone" crap? Didn't Brie just move back to Earth? Doesn't Sam Jackson have a giant orbiting station? Didn't Rudd just do a huge book tour?!? And surely I have ways to contact Benedict or Tessa or Mark or

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

WE COVERED THIS LAST SCRIPT DUDE. Accept it, you only have us now.

SEBASTIAN STAN

Fine, so long as we pay lip service to Wyatt being a psychotic murderer and shit.

WYATT RUSSELL

(thumbs-up)

DAVID HARBOUR

Excellent, so now we are... the THUNDERBOLTS! Asterisk!

FLORENCE PUGH

Don't pay attention to him, that was my kid's soccer team. Could be worse, it could have been Yellowjackets because have you TRIED watching that third season?!? WOOOOOF. Started so good too.

INT. AVENGERS TOWER - NEW YORK

Our merry dysfunctional family arrive at the TOWER and start BEATING UP GOONS!

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

(over intercom)

Oh fuck it let's skip this part, I invite you in. Don't suppose you added Blade to the team, that would be funny.

They take the elevator UPSTAIRS and find JULIA along with LEWIS in his spiffy new SUPER SUIT featuring the bold colours of TARNISHED GOLD and BLUE BUT COVERED IN DIRT.

LEWIS PULLMAN

Behold, I am now... the SENTRY! Which I like better as a name because I used "Bob" in Top Gun already.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Welcome, everyone... hey where's Olga? I swear she was in the trailer version of this shot.

(checks)

Damn, that's cold Marvel. Anyhoo! Thanks for coming, Lewis will now prove his heroism by grinding you into a fine paste. Commence!

LEWIS begins CLOBBERING the entire team with his SUPER STRENGTH and FLYING and SUPER SPEED and TELEKINESIS and INVULNERABILITY and HEAT VISION and JUST EVERY FUCKING THING, WHAT THE HELL.

SEBASTIAN STAN

Grr, that does it! You may be pummeling us with ridiculous ease but NOW I'm taking my JACKET OFF! Prepare to

(stomped)

okay maybe we should fuck off now

The TEAM beat a heroic RETREAT and go back down the elevator.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Um you're gonna just let them leave? My plan involved you goopifying them in front of the press, maybe ripping Wyatt's head off on Good Morning America.

LEWIS PULLMAN

No... I don't think so. I have godlike powers now, and remember that note in my file about being an unstable addict person? So maybe killing YOU would be more appropriate.

JULIA attempts to push the secret KILL SWITCH but is grabbed by LEWIS! So then GERALDINE arrives and pushes the kill switch instead.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Phew, thanks! I'm sure he'll stay dead THIS time as opposed to when he got shot two hundred times and died but was then fine. Who's for martinis?

They LEAVE but sure enough, LEWIS revives except NOW... he is TOTES EVIL!

LEWIS PULLMAN

To symbolize my shift to pure evil I'll have to become a dark shadow of myself-

(looks around)

-fuck, I'll have to go full Vantablack to compete with all this. Here goes!

EXT. LET'S SEE WHAT THE OTHERS ARE DOING IN THE SHADOWY STREETS OF NEW YORK CITAAAHHH (MATT BERRY VOICE)

At street level, the THUNDERBOLTS* begin to glumly SPLIT UP in DEFEAT.

FLORENCE PUGH

I don't know David, about this whole MCU thing. It just feels like this great, big, life-leeching void that consumes everything around it.

DAVID HARBOUR

Come now, the MCU was once a bright beacon of light that made millions happy. Maybe these have been darker times, but I can still see that light in you. You gave Black Widow and Hawkeye that light, and now you're carrying this thing. Don't give up hope. I mean, we survived Iron Man 2 and Thor 2, right?

FLORENCE PUGH

(smiles)

Yes... yes we did. Okay I'm convinced, let's go spread the light of AW CRAP Lewis is flying around turning everything into an inky black soul-sucking abyss, for fuck's sake.

LEWIS PULLMAN

(nothingness-ly)

I am become without form. A mere pool of darkness, in which no human features are visible.

A MURKY AREA WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT CONTAIN JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Yeah well, modern projectors are apparently lit with birthday candles, so get in line.

LEWIS begins POOFING people into BLACK SMUDGES and spreading a GIANT CLOUD OF BLACK all over NEW YORK! HELICOPTERS and CHUNKS OF BUILDINGS fall down and CRUSH assorted parked vehicles!

LEWIS PULLMAN

Foolish mortals, I shall destroy all of your cars! Everyone gather round, so I can zap you to dust while I flatten all of your cars!

WYATT RUSSELL

Okay now, stopping and deflecting heavy objects, THAT we can do! Let's go team!

Our anti-heroes valiantly SAVE lots of CIVILIANS, YAY, and DAVID HARBOUR saves ONE small child in particular... who gets SMUDGIFIED, WHAAAAA?!????!!!

FLORENCE PUGH

Okay we might be in Grimdark Mode, but no way is Marvel gonna murderize a child that casually. This is clearly NOT vaporization but more a dimensional-teleport situation.

TOM HIDDLESTON

(smiles, winks)

FLORENCE PUGH

Therefore the clear course of action is to investigate this further. Or commit suicide, let's see-

(steps into void!)

(disappears!!)

DAVID HARBOUR

NOOOOOOO shit no way we're getting sequels without her! Quick everyone, into the void!

INT. THE MYSTERIOUS SHADOW REALM WHERE BEINGS ARE TRAPPED IN VARIOUS SEGMENTED SILOS OF THEIR OWN CREATION, LEFT TO SUFFER IN ISOLATION FOR ALL ETERNITY, THAT HELLSCAPE KNOWN ONLY AS... MASTODON THE VOID! BUT NOT THE TOM HIDDLESTON VOID, THIS OTHER ONE

FLORENCE finds herself in a CRAZY FUNHOUSE KALEIDOSCOPE OF FAR-FLUNG LOCATIONS that are all GREY.

FLORENCE PUGH

This forest is where, as a child, I did my first assassination. It's the low point of my history, my most shameful place. I can only imagine what awaits the others if they follow me!

SEBASTIAN STAN

(in other room)

Argh, fine, I'll do it! I'll do the Trump movie!! Just promise it'll immediately sink into obscurity so I'll never be associated with that hideous sociopath...

(sobs)

WYATT RUSSELL

(in other room)

I'd love to do a show with Dad! Wait, what do you mean we never have a scene together?!? NOOOOOO

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

(in other room)

Hey c'mon Killjoys wasn't that bad, is Lewis just skimming our IMDB histories?

They REGROUP and find LEWIS in the room where he signed the contract to become SENTRY! In-universe, that is.

LEWIS PULLMAN

I'm sorry guys, it's the fault of my evil alter ego here, who's motivated by pure hate and rage, and uses hate and rage to fuel itself! Stupid alter ego I HATE you SO MUCH

(flies into rage!)

SEBASTIAN STAN

Something tells me the Superman III solution isn't going to work here.

FLORENCE PUGH

Yeah, but wait a sec... what would be... the OPPOSITE... of hate and rage? Maybe a course of action OTHER than punchy shooty?? There must be something, right?!?

Against all odds the LIGHT BULB above her head... TURNS ON!

FLORENCE PUGH

That poster! The one where we're all grabbing each other... I just realized, it's a GROUP HUG! GROUP HUG, EVERYONE!

Everyone wraps up LEWIS in a GIGANTIC HUG and it WORKS! The EVIL LEWIS vanishes, the SHADOWS retreat, and everyone who got SMUDGIFIED is ALIVE again, even JAMES MARSDEN and FAMKE JANSSEN! Oh yeah and the mercs who reappear thirty stories up without a helicopter lol.

DAVID HARBOUR

How about that. Love saved the day, we selflessly saved the city, looks like maybe we're the heroes after all. Now let's go beat the living shit out of Julia.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

(conjures press corps)

Not so fast! I'd like to introduce... the NEW AVENGERS!!! Three ex-Russian assets, two complete unknowns, and a guy who famously used an American flag as a murder weapon, surely a Dream Team to be instantly beloved by the U.S. public!

SEBASTIAN STAN

But... there's no reason for us to go along with this right? We can just send you to jail, I'm still in Congress and a national hero and shit.

FLORENCE PUGH

(beaming)

Yep, I guess we're... THE NEW AVENGERS, defending all Earth against world-shattering danger! Except ten minutes ago it took all our combined might to defeat one somewhat large piece of concrete from tipping over.

SEBASTIAN STAN

No come on, Geraldine will testify against her and-

INT. POST CREDIT SCENE -- NEW AVENGERS TOWER

The NEW AVENGERS strut about in their NEW AVENGERS costumes!

SEBASTIAN STAN

-what the fuck. How the hell do I explain this to Anthony Mackie?

(reads script)

Apparently, by failing. Fine, I guess we're doing this.

WYATT RUSSELL

And I'm still using the shield Lewis folded in half? Julia couldn't spring for a new one? I don't think the old one was vibranium or anything, a regular steel shield would be just fine.

FLORENCE PUGH

Hey, did anyone else notice "Fantastic Four theme" in the music credits? When would they have used--

FANTASTI-SHIP

(breaking atmo)

HEY GUYS OUR UNIVERSE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH CHARACTERS SO WE CAME HERE TO MEET MORE CHARACTERS DO Y'ALL HAVE ROOM FOR MORE CHARACTERS

FLORENCE PUGH

...oh.

END