FADE IN:

INT. PEACEFUL SUBURBAN HOME – EARLY MORNING

Rookie cop ETHAN HAWKE bids farewell to his WIFE and BABY DAUGHTER.

ETHAN HAWKE

I’ll see you later on, honey. I’m off for a day of cop training with Officer Denzel Washington! An… education day, if you will.

ETHAN’S WIFE

I’m so proud of you, babe. It’s so great that you’re willing to risk life and limb for this job. And with only one week until retirement, too.

ETHAN HAWKE

Retirement? I’m barely out of the-

ETHAN’S WIFE

One week until retirement…

ETHAN HAWKE

Uh, well, anyway, make sure everything here stays nice and stable and happy while I’m out. I mean, I’m sure nothing crazy will happen today, but even so, it’s nice to come back to a stable home.

ETHAN’S WIFE

You know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men, right?

ETHAN HAWKE

That everything ends perfectly and nothing goes wrong, right! Seeya, babe!

ETHAN goes to a DINER and finds OFFICER DENZEL MOTHERFUCKING WASHINGTON reading something called a NEWSPAPER like a BADASS.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Sit down, maggot. The mind games will commence shortly, right after I finish seeing what this Marmaduke motherfucker is up to.

ETHAN HAWKE

Well, I just wanted to say how honored I am to be serving under such a decorated-

DENZEL WASHINGTON

The ‘Zel requires silence.

ETHAN HAWKE

Yeah but, you know, this is an incredible opportunity-

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Meaning the absence of noise.

ETHAN HAWKE

Yeah, totally, but for real, I just wanted to-

DENZEL WASHINGTON

WHITE BOY, HAGAR AIN’T THE ONLY HORRIBLE MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS HERE SLOP SHOP. YOU WILL SIT AND DRINK YOUR SWEET TEA LIKE A MARBLE STATUE WHILE I GET MY GARFIELD ON, IS THAT CLEAR?

ETHAN HAWKE

Crystal, sir.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

My n-word.

PAUSE.

ETHAN HAWKE

(farts)

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Okay fine, tell me a goddam story. What’s the most exciting thing that ever happened to you on the beat?

ETHAN HAWKE

Oh man, where to begin? This one time I was checking some parking meters and I found this really weird spider. Like, it was big but not huge, like maybe the size of a silver dollar? And it was this brownish green, I don’t even know. Actually it was my brother that found the spider, but he described it to me so vividly that sometimes I think I remember it. You ever get that? Like sometimes I swear I was at the Miracle on Ice even though I was way too young and I don’t even like hockey-

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Ho. Ly. Shit. I’m going to feel just fine getting your dumb ass liquored up, framed, and killed later.

ETHAN HAWKE

What’s that?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I said quickly Robin! To the Denzel-Mobile! Your teaching day begins now!

INT. DENZEL-MOBILE

DENZEL WASHINGTON

So, why you wanna be a cop?

ETHAN HAWKE

To serve and-

DENZEL WASHINGTON

If the next word outta your dumbass mouth is “protect” I’m gonna push the ejector seat button, swear to fucking god man.

ETHAN HAWKE

Does this thing actually have an ejector seat?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(smiles)

That’s the thing about me, man. You never can tell. Seriously though, the first step to police work is learning how to smooth. You know how to smooth?

ETHAN HAWKE

Uh, hang on.

(grimaces)

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Not even close, man.

ETHAN HAWKE

(squints)

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Got the sun in your eyes, brother?

ETHAN HAWKE

Well YOU show me how to do it!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(smooths)

ETHAN HAWKE

Damn. You are smooth.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Stick with me, boy. I’ll show you how to make these streets your female dog. Now, 90% of police work is fucking with stoned teenagers and we’re way behind quota. Oh look, there’s some now.

DENZEL and ETHAN stop a bunch of HIGH TEENS buying DRUGS.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

MOTHERFUCKERS GET YOUR MILLENNIAL HANDS OFF YOUR 2001-ERA FLIP PHONES AND ONTO THE DASH, DOUBLETIME! GIVE ME THOSE DRUGS! DO A HANDSTAND! I AM THE LAW!

TEENAGERS IN CAR

(shit themselves)

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Now. Y’all deep in South Central LA, or as I like to call it, Washington DC. The DC stands for “dick crunch”, as in that’s exactly what Mr. Washington is cleaning his boots for. Y’all had enough witty dialogue yet?

TEENAGERS IN CAR

(furiously nod)

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Alright, get your suburban asses back to Myspace. That’s still a thing in 2001, right? Fuck it. Roll out.

ETHAN HAWKE

Jesus, Denzel. You gave those kids a goddam stroke. I can’t help but feel that might have been excessive for a low-level drug bust…

DENZEL WASHINGTON

You think that was excessive? Brother, that was me in Philadelphia. Just you wait ‘til I hit Man on Fire, then you gonna see the Glory. Now, smoke this weed laced with PCP I just confiscated from those teens.

ETHAN HAWKE

Whoa, no way man. I saw enough DARE commercials to know I’m exactly one joint away from selling my body to homeless men for used needles. Plus, it would really inhibit my ability to function, you know, which is like the entire point of today.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Are you ignoring a direct order, bird boy?

ETHAN HAWKE

Well yeah. I’d be a complete idiot to get stoned just before running out into the warzone that is South Central without my wits about me. Plus, it would taint any evidence I collect today.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Smoke it.

ETHAN HAWKE

No.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Smoke that shit.

ETHAN HAWKE

This is me just saying no.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(points a gun at Ethan’s head)

Either you smoke that weed or I smoke your brainpan.

ETHAN HAWKE

This should be a major red flag for me. Seriously, this is not the behavior of a sane human being, even if you are some hardcore street badass-

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(smooths)

ETHAN HAWKE

(swoons)

Pass the bong, Tommy Chong.

ETHAN gets so HIGH he gives the AUDIENCE MUNCHIES.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

My n-word.

INT. NICE HOUSE

DENZEL takes his newly CHEETOS-CRAVING partner to see his contact, ex-con SCOTT GLENN.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Sup, brother. How’s retired life treating you?

SCOTT GLENN

Pretty good. I got some projects lined up. Turns out there’s plenty of work for “Oh, that guy” actors like me.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Good to hear, man. So, you- ETHAN, NO! BAD ETHAN!

Whining, ETHAN ceases attempting to fashion a CHINA VASE into a STEAMROLLER PIPE.

SCOTT GLENN

Your buddy seems to be a bit Lebowski’d up right now, Denzel.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Yeah. Typical cop shit.

SCOTT GLENN

Don’t I know it. Back in my day, cops and criminals were different, you know? Used to be criminals would be all criminal-y and cops would be all cop-like. Now there’s all these fuckers like you being in-betweeny about it. Breaking the law to uphold the law and whatnot. Being worse than the crooks you chase.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

These are all fascinating questions that we should completely ignore in favor of more witty street talk.

ETHAN HAWKE

(pointing TV remote at fireplace)

Does this thing get Adult Swim?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Good meet. Catch you later.

INT. DENZEL-MOBILE

DENZEL drinks and drives while ETHAN sobers up.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Welcome back to the land of the sober, Ethan. You leveled out?

ETHAN HAWKE

Apart from having acquired a taste in Primus music, yeah, I’m good. But what the fuck man?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Let me assure you right now that getting you stoned and drunk is in no way about giving me leverage over you for whatever illegal acts we might commit today.

ETHAN HAWKE

Wait, drunk? Huh?

(notices empty beer can in his hand)

Oh. Well, it’s nice to know all those benders I went on in college were actually good police training. Also, HOLY SHIT MUGGING IN PROGRESS

ETHAN tucks and rolls out of the car and begins BEATING the CRAP out of two HOMELESS GUYS who are assaulting TEENAGE GIRL SAMANTHA BECKER. Through careful application of FIGHTING like WILLIAM SHATNER with PALSEY, he WINS.

ETHAN HAWKE

I really hope you two aren’t just a weed dream.

(spins a top)

(it falls)

Thank god. Are you alright, miss?

SAMANTHA BECKER

I’ve been better. Here. Take this Chekov’s Wallet. Perhaps, by inexcusable coincidence, it will come in handy later.

(evaporates)

EXT. GRUNGY STREET CORNER

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Alright, Boyhood. You wanna earn those stripes? We’re going undercover. Buy me some crack from that dealer, and don’t lose your cool.

ETHAN HAWKE

Pfft, why would I lose my cool? He’s just some wheelchair bound crack deal- HOLY SHIT, SNOOP DOGGIE DOGG IN THE HOOOOUSE!

SNOOP DOGG

How many rocks you want?

ETHAN HAWKE

Aw shit, I’m such a big fan! What do I say? I never know what to say when I meet celebrities! Can I have an autograph!? What’s Willie Nelson like?! How about Dre? Can I smell your hair!? I don’t have any CD’s with me but, can you sign, like, this paper towel and I’ll just transfer the signature later? Do you have any tattoos? Is it racist that I like Eminem more, I mean, you’re totally second place but-

SNOOP DOGG

Uh, sorry, I don’t do autographs…

SNOOP begins rolling away. DENZEL and ETHAN chase him down and dump him on the GROUND.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Alright, Snoop Dogg, if that IS your real name-

SNOOP DOGG

It ain’t, bro! I’m Snoop Lion now, I think!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Well you about to be my Snoop Bitch in a moment. Give me the crack, man.

SNOOP DOGG

I ain’t got any! I’m into weed, man!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Crack, now.

SNOOP DOGG

I have zero crack on me, and may god strike me down if I’m-

(vomits a pile of crack vials onto the ground)

Y’all planted that shit.

ETHAN HAWKE

Holy shit, it’s like Rush Limbaugh’s medicine cabinet in there! But wait, I get that swallowing drug vials is a thing dealers do, but what were you going to do if me and Denzel had successfully bought drugs from you? Vomit the goods through the window like a mother bird feeding her young?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

More importantly, who’s your higher up? We don’t want some gimpy corner boy.

SNOOP DOGG

(smooths)

I ain’t telling you shit.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(smooths harder)

Come on, help a brother out.

SNOOP DOGG

(air crackles with pure smooth energy)

Run on home, Pelican Brief.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(ground shakes with pent up smoothness)

Y’all smoothing with the wrong smoother, smoothie.

Lightning bolts of raw SMOOTH arc through the air, CRASHING into each other, destroying the SURROUNDING NEIGHBORHOOD. Eventually, DENZEL stands alone in the CRATER.

ETHAN HAWKE

Damn, you are smooth.

EXT. VARIOUS BAD NEIGHBORHOODS

ETHAN HAWKE

Man, this is all so hardcore. I had no idea things were this bad in South Central.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

It ain’t CHiPs, that’s for sure.

ETHAN HAWKE

Well, scary as this all is, I think I can stay focused and get through the day. As long as we do some actual police work.

The go EXTORT some money from a GANG WIFE.

ETHAN HAWKE

Okay, well, she probably had it coming.

They SHOOT UP a CROWDED NEIGHBORHOOD.

ETHAN HAWKE

This is a bit harder to justify.

They go to EVA MENDES’ HOUSE so DENZEL can get LAID.

ETHAN HAWKE

Okay, yeah, this has fuck-all to do with anything.

They go to a RESTAURANT to talk to some OLD WHITE GUYS who run the POLICE or SOMETHING.

ETHAN HAWKE

I’m just gonna read a magazine or something. Let me know when I can affect the plot somehow.

DENZEL chains ETHAN’s leash to a BIKE RACK and leaves him a BOWL OF WATER so he can talk to the OLD WHITE GUYS inside.

OLD WHITE GUY #1

Dammit, Denzel. You’re a loose cannon and so forth!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(smooths)

OLD WHITE GUY #2

Oh cut the smooth shit, Denz. You’re over the line. Like, you’re always over the line but right now you’re over the “over the line” line.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Yeah, I know, I’m embroiled in some sort of as-yet-unmentioned subplot that I suddenly need to resolve. But don’t worry, I can sort it all out.

OLD WHITE GUY #3

Well, unless you can pull a cool million out of that incredibly smooth ass of yours by midnight tonight, consider yourself duly fucked.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Crackers, please, I got this. This is the ‘Zel you’re dealing with.

(blows into conch shell)

Denzel Team! Assemble!

DENZEL meets his SQUADRON of CROOKED COPS, comprised of a bunch of UNCREDITED CAMEOS from “THAT GUY” ACTORS you ALMOST RECOGNIZE.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Sup, everybody.

DR. DRE

We have names, you know.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Uh, of course. You're Dre! And that's uh… William Fitchner?

PETER GREENE

Close. Fuck it, what’s the plan, Mr. Fishburne?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Very funny. Well, me and the new boy here are heading to Scott Glenn’s house. Y’all should tag along. It’ll be a blast.

PETER GREENE

With this nerd right here? He doesn’t look very corrupt at all. He looks decidedly anti-corrupt.

ETHAN HAWKE

What? No! I’m totally corrupt. It’s the cheekbones, they make me look boyish and cute, like a more square-headed Matt Damon.

DR. DRE

Whatever, nerd.

They all take turns giving ETHAN a WEDGIE before driving to SCOTT’S HOUSE.

INT. SCOTT GLENN’S HOUSE

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Knock knock.

SCOTT GLENN

Who’s there?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

THIS AIN’T A JOKE OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!

DENZEL and the TEAM kick the DOOR in and hold SCOTT GLENN at GUNPOINT.

SCOTT GLENN

I don’t get it.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

It’s very simple, my wrinkly brother. I need your floor money, and I got permission from the Old White Guys to take it.

SCOTT GLENN

Dammit man, I need that floor money! How else am I going to pay for this house? With my wallet money?!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Orders is orders, brother. Chill for a bit.

DENZEL and his GOONS dig up the KITCHEN FLOOR and find PIRATE TREASURE.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Pay dirt! Alright, bribe time. Ethan, here’s your cut.

ETHAN HAWKE

Whoa, no way, man. Smoking drugs, drinking and driving, shooting up neighborhoods and freely dealing with gang members is all hardcore and awesome, but I draw the line at floor money.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Come on bro, you’re embarrassing me in front of all the other sociopaths. Just take a few hundred thousand. It’ll make us all feel more comfortable. I told them you were cool.

ETHAN HAWKE

No amount of wedgies will shake my conviction.

Somberly, DENZEL wedgies ETHAN and goes back to SCOTT.

SCOTT GLENN

Okay, you got my dirty cash. Can I please get back to my scrapbook now?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Sure thing, big guy. Only one thing I’m forgetting. Hmm, what could it be?

(thinks)

Oh yeah, I’m a deranged psychopath.

He SHOOTS SCOTT.

ETHAN HAWKE

HOLY SHIT. HOLY BALLS. HOLY SHITBALLS WHAAAAT?! I HAVE SERIOUS DOUBTS THIS IS STANDARD PROCEDURE FOR POLICEWORK.

(checks operating field guide)

NOPE THIS IS DEFINITELY MOSTLY NOT OKAY.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Chill, Ethan. This motherfucker was a bad motherfucker. He deserved to get did. It’s all part of my elaborate plan. Observe. I shall now plant a gun in Scott’s hand and use it to shoot Peter.

(does so)

Now we just have to stage this whole thing to look like he got did when we burst in through the door and he fired back at us. Serving a high-risk warrant and all that. Then you Swiss cheese’d him with this shotgun, you goddam hero you.

PETER GREENE

(bleeding like crazy)

Couldn’t you have explained all that BEFORE you shot me!?

ETHAN HAWKE

Okay, Scott lives alone and is pushing seventy, so I don’t really understand how that could possibly be a “high risk warrant”, or what possible context we could contrive that would justify us kicking in the front door instead of just ringing the bell, but I guess the Old White Guys will magic all those inconsistencies away, won’t they?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

You are correct.

ETHAN HAWKE

Which leaves the question about how we’re going to justify the massive hole in his kitchen floor.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Uh, I guess we did that after we shot Peter, but before the ambulances showed up.

ETHAN HAWKE

And the missing money.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

THE OLD WHITE GUYS TOOK CARE OF IT, LOOK, I CAN’T HAVE PLANNED EVERYTHING OKAY.

(sighs)

Fuck it, let’s go celebrate. I know some Mexican gangsters who are pretty chill.

ETHAN HAWKE

This should be yet another major red flag for me but okay, Mexican gangster party it is.

INT. GANG HOUSE - EVENING

DENZEL and ETHAN go to visit Mexican gangsters CLIFF CURTIS, RAYMOND CRUZ, and NOEL GUGLIEMI.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Alright, I’m off to take a suspiciously long dump. Ethan, sit here and play nice with the big boys.

ETHAN HAWKE

Wow, even more “that guy” actors. Let me see… well, you’re Tuco from Breaking Bad.

RAYMOND CRUZ

Bingo, ese.

ETHAN HAWKE

And you’re that guy who plays, like, every ethnicity on planet earth.

CLIFF CURTIS

In real life I’m New Zealand Maori. Uh, ese.

ETHAN HAWKE

And you, uhhh… Hmm….

NOEL GUGLIEMI

Ugh. I’m just the Mexican gangster guy. Just Mexican gangsters all the live long day.

ETHAN HAWKE

(blank stare)

NOEL GUGLIEMI

(sighs)

I had a monkey come out of my ass in Bruce Almighty.

ETHAN HAWKE

Shiiiit that’s awesome! Aw man, you guys are cool.

CLIFF CURTIS

Cool enough to hang onto your gun for a few minutes?

ETHAN HAWKE

I can think of literally no reason not to give my firearm to a bunch of tattooed ex-cons.

(he does)

CLIFF CURTIS

Well, we got some bad news, homes. Turns out your boy Denzel’s been playing you all day. You a fall guy, bro. He got you stoned and he pinned Scott’s death on you and now we’re gonna finish the job by shooting you in a bathtub.

ETHAN HAWKE

Wait, so, instead of just dropping me in Scott’s place and saying I took fire while I was shooting him, instead I somehow wound up halfway across town in a gangster’s bathtub?

RAYMOND CRUZ

I guess. It all made sense when he said it. Guy’s so smooth…

ETHAN HAWKE

But why? Denzel could have grabbed Scott’s floor money anytime.

NOEL GUGLIEMI

Well, it turns out Denzel ran afoul of some Russian gangsters in Vegas last week. He just flipped out and killed one of them and now they want a cool million to let him off the hook.

ETHAN HAWKE

That’s incredibly random but okay, Russian gangsters it is. Which now begs the question of why the fuck we’ve been dicking around all day drinking and chasing Snoop Dogg and waiting until the last possible moment to get Scott’s money and pass it off to the Russians.

CLIFF CURTIS

Logic is for straight cops, bro. You ready to get bathtub-shot?

ETHAN HAWKE

Wait! I have a wallet! A girl wallet! From a girl!

CLIFF CURTIS

I can think of no possible way this would convince me to let you go and thereby earn me the ire of a dangerous and mercurial corrupt cop who knows me personally-

(reads wallet)

Turns out this belonged to my little cousin. Congratulations, random chance has spared you. No hard feelings, right?

INT. EVA MENDES’ PLACE

ETHAN tracks down DENZEL to his LADY FRIEND’S FUCK-PARTMENT.

ETHAN HAWKE

It sure was nice of those gangsters not to kill me. And to give me my gun back. And to tell me Denzel was here, I guess. Anyway,

(kicks in door)

ON THE FLOOR MOTHERFUCKER HOLY SHIT EVA MENDES IS NAKED NOPE I’M NOT DISTRACTED NOT EVEN A BIT.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

My n-word. Y’all got balls of solid brass, lemme tell you. Put the gun down and give me a hug.

ETHAN HAWKE

You’re not smoothing your way out of this one, Denz. Let’s go.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(smooths)

ETHAN HAWKE

I’m not falling for it. Not even a little.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(smooths harder)

ETHAN HAWKE

Swear to god man, I’m a brick wall here.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(smooths smoother than a luge ramp made out of Hubble Telescope mirrors)

ETHAN HAWKE

Damn, you are smoo-

But then DENZEL pulls a SHOTGUN out of THIN AIR and SHOOTS at ETHAN. The two CHASE each other through the HOUSE and end up SHATNER FIGHTING. DENZEL wins, but does NOT SHOOT ETHAN for some reason. He begins to DRIVE AWAY.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Fuck yeah, everything’s coming up for Big D. Now I just gotta get this cash to the Russians and I’m free to keep smoothing until I’ve smoothed my last-

ETHAN HAWKE

(flying in from space)

WHEN YOU FUCK WITH THE HAWKE SOMETIMES YOU GET THE CLAWS!

ETHAN lands on DENZEL’S GODDAM CAR.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

HOLY SHIT I SHOULD REALLY JUST STOP DRIVING AND GET OUT OF THE CAR AND SHOOT ETHAN BUT INSTEAD I’M GOING TO DRIVE AROUND IN CIRCLES LIKE A FUCKING SPAZ AAAAAAHHHHHH!

(crashes)

ETHAN stands over the now-defeated DENZEL.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Congratulations, my n-word. Your instruction day is complete. I hope you’ve learned some valuable lessons about the importance of being a duplicitous prick.

ETHAN HAWKE

Fuck this. I’m retiring early. I only had one week to go.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

You just got out of the academy-

ETHAN HAWKE

One week until retirement…

EXT. HIGHWAY – LATE AT NIGHT

While driving around doing NOTHING, DENZEL is stopped by a RUSSIAN HIT SQUAD.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Come on, Comrade Homies. Let a brother go.

(smooths)

RUSSIAN HITMAN

Hmm, let us think about this. How about… nyet?

They SHOOT THE FUCK OUT OF DENZEL.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

With my dying breath… I shall smooth once more…

(smooths)

(receives Oscar)

Okay seriously, so many dignified roles playing Malcolm X, Steve Biko, Rubin Carter, and THIS is the fucking movie I get my Best Actor for? The one where I drop N-bombs and call myself King Kong? Fuck it.

(dies)