FADE IN:

INT. CHURCH - TINY OLD WEST TOWN

A TOWN MEETING is in progress.

TOWNSPERSON

Seems that rebooting old Yul Brynner cowboy movies is all the rage this year, so, here we are. Our first item of-

PETER SARSGAARD

(barging in)

Listen up, I am super duper evil! Either sell me your land for $20 or I'll kill you and take it! To prove I'm serious, gonna burn down this church and kill a dozen of you. Why I don't just murder the whole lot of you is anyone's guess, since I own all the law in this town.

PETER and his GOONS gun down a bunch of townspeople including MATT BOMER!!

MATT BOMER

Arrghh, not even my eerily fluorescent blue eyes could save me!

(dies)

INT. WILD WEST SALOON - ANOTHER TOWN

DENZEL WASHINGTON enters the SALOON wearing his super cool all-black Western outfit, and approaches the BAR, his head lowered all suspenseful-like. In the corner CHRIS PRATT is playing cards, and uses his SCRIPT-O-VISION to instantly figure out that DENZEL is the good guy he should throw his support behind.

BARTENDER

What'll you have, stranger?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(slowly tilting his head upwards until his eyes become visible past the brim of his cowboy hat)

I'm here to collect a bounty. On you.

BARTENDER

Oh. Guess I'd better reach for a gun and defend myself. Why didn't you just walk up and shoot?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

In this movie action can't just happen. Gotta have a slowww buildup to everything. It's part of the homage, if you don't believe me check the script for the 1960 version.

SHOOTING breaks out during which DENZEL and CHRIS kill the BARTENDER and the BARTENDER'S BUDDIES! DENZEL and CHRIS then part company all nonchalant since SPONTANEOUS MURDER was basically the equivalent of LOLCAT VIDEOS for this time and place.

EXT. AT THE EDGE OF TOWN

CHRIS PRATT tries to leave but is stopped by the GAMBLERS he beat at CARDS.

GAMBLER #1

Dang you Pratt! We're robbin' you! And then killin' you! Which would be much easier to do in the opposite order!

CHRIS PRATT

Okay, wait wait wait. Let me show you a card trick? Clearly I want a dumb magic trick to be my last act on Earth, this isn't a staggering obvious ploy to stall for time and turn the tables on you.

GAMBLER #2

Gorsh, yes! Lemme see!

CHRIS PRATT

Okay, pick a gun, any gun. Now, WITHOUT showing it to me, put the gun back into your mouth. Everyone sees how I have no idea which gun it is, right? Okay, now visualize the gun you picked, and pull the trigger.

GAMBLER #2

(head explodes)

CHRIS PRATT

Ta-da!

GAMBLER #1

Oooooh, you may have got out of this one Pratt, but you'll regret leaving me alive! You haven't seen the last of me! I shall return!

(never returns)

Elsewhere in town, DENZEL is approached by HALEY BENNETT and LUKE GRIMES.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(slowly tilting his head upwards until his eyes are baaarely visible past the brim of his cool cowboy hat)

How can I help you?

HALEY BENNETT

The evil Peter Sarsgaard killed my husband Matt Bomer. His evil army of assholes are gonna take our whole town. We heard you had some experience in defeating small armies of vicious killers all by yourself so we'd like to hire you.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(distant look)

Sarsgaard, huh? ...Yes, I'll help you defeat that Bomer-killer. But I feel compelled to find exactly... six other helpers.

LUKE GRIMES

Against a small army? You sure that's enough? Maybe we could try to round up a couple dozen men-

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(steely gaze)

EXACTLY... SIX... MORE.

DENZEL finds CHRIS PRATT trying to buy back his HORSE.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Hey Chris, if you help me with a suicide mission, I'll buy your horse for you. Don't think about how you'll manage to use the horse after the suicide mission.

CHRIS PRATT

Done and done! I'm very attached to this particular horse. Our backstory is, clearly, a key facet of my character. I'd elaborate but instead, how about I never talk about this horse ever again.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Sounds good. Now that we've joined forces, let's split up! Since we've just met I have no problem trusting you with finding half our team.

EXT. UNASSUMING CABIN IN THE WILD WEST

DENZEL and HALEY approach and find a DEAD DUDE, and while processing this MANUEL GARCIA-RULFO gets the drop on them!

MANUEL GARCIA-RULFO

Ha, I have you now, feared bounty hunter! Whaddya say to that?!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(slooowly tilting his head upwards until his eyes are juuust baaarely visible past the brim of his super cool cowboy hat)

If you join us, I promise that I won't come looking for you.

MANUEL GARCIA-RULFO

But if I just shoot you dead right now, that seems like an even more fool-proof way to stop you looking for me.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Don't be silly. You know how much star power and Plot Armour I have, I could kill you dead ten times before your bullet even left your gun.

MANUEL GARCIA-RULFO

Good point. Sign me up!

EXT. ANOTHER WILD WEST TOWN, AND I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WERE ALL INTRODUCED WITH SUBTITLES BUT REALLY THEY'RE PRETTY FUCKING INTERCHANGEABLE SO LET'S CALL THIS ONE "FRAGGLE ROCK"

CHRIS and LUKE enter the town, and find ETHAN HAWKE taking bets on a fight between BYUNG-HUN LEE and the traditional unnamed goober opponent.

ETHAN HAWKE

Step right up, place your bets! Who's gonna win this brawl, the cocky burly blundering extra, or the quirky unconventional foreign film star? Place your bets, people!

TOWNSPEOPLE

Oh come on, we weren't born fucking yesterday. Everything on Byung-hun.

BYUNG-HUN WINS the fight in the requisite super-stylish fashion.

ETHAN HAWKE

Aaaaand I'm broke. Guess we'll throw our lot in with you Chris!

LUKE GRIMES

Awright! So now with me, Haley, Denzel, Chris, Manuel, Ethan, and Byung-hun, we've got our new Magnificent Seven! Let's go kick some-

CHRIS PRATT

(laughing)

Oh that's so hilarious and ADORBS, no no no, you and Haley don't count, we gotta keep looking. Hm, who else is sufficiently rough and manly to join this squad... oh hey, Vincent D'Onofrio was awesome as Kingpin, is he available?

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

I am! And to further enhance my gruff imposing presence, I've swallowed a helium balloon.

(squeaks)

EXT. HARSH ROCKY TERRAIN

The gang REUNITE and make camp amongst some GIANT ROCKS. MARTIN SENSMEIER shows up playing a COMANCHE WARRIOR, so DENZEL goes to talk with him.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(slooooooowly tilting his head upwards until his eyes are juuuust baaarely visible past the brim of his VERY super cool cowboy hat)

Hey there.

MARTIN SENSMEIER

Hi. I've been sent out on my own, to find a "different path", whatever that means. It's either some kind of spirit quest or they're angry about me hogging the body paint again. What are you up to?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

You remember those assholes who took away your peoples' land? Well some even WORSE assholes want to take that land away from THEM. And we're gonna defend the first assholes from the second assholes.

(pause)

Sooo.... wanna help?

MARTIN SENSMEIER

Okay. Just don't stick a cartoon of my face on a goddamn sports team and we're good.

EXT. ORIGINAL WILD WEST TOWN WHERE HALEY'S FROM, LET'S CALL IT "RIVERSONG"

DENZEL and BYUNG-HUN stroll into the middle of town to confront all the evil lawmen.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(ever soooo sloooowly tilting his head upwards until his eyes are juuuust baaarely visible past the brim of his VERY QUITE COOL INDEED cowboy hat)

Hi. We're gonna kill all you guys now. But first we thought it'd be fun to give you the chance to quickly murder the two of us before we start.

Of course the evil lawmen FUCK UP their chance to kill DENZEL and are promptly BUTCHERED TO DEATH by the combined awesomeness of the MAGNIFICENT SEVEN, the same way that the GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS crushing a team of DRUNK FIFTH-GRADERS would be awesome and magnificent.

INT. ESTABLISHMENT AT ANOTHER WILD WEST TOWN, HOW ABOUT "DAS BOOT"

The lone survivor of the last scene, BAD SHERIFF, reports back to PETER.

BAD SHERIFF

Boss! Boss! Some men came to town and killed all the evil deputies! They only let me live so I could come tell you, and skullfuck the advantage of surprise. Also the audience was dangerously close to forgetting you even exist, so...

PETER SARSGAARD

Huh? Oh shit, yeah, I forgot too. What's my role again? Right, I'm evil. WITNESS MY EVIL, AUDIENCE!

(kills Bad Sheriff)

Okay, someone let me know when it's time for the final showdown. I'll be in my trailer bingeing Luke Cage.

EXT. BACK AT RIVERSONG

CHRIS and ETHAN are attempting to train the townspeople in NOT GETTING MASSACRED.

CHRIS PRATT

Alright people, we've set up some targets. Fire!

TOWNSPEOPLE

(blow off own feet)

CHRIS PRATT

FUUUUCK. Aren't over half of you guys, like, farmers? Don't you own rifles for taking out wildlife and poachers and shit? This is comically useless. Ethan, show them how it's done!

ETHAN HAWKE

I... cannot! Despite my fearsome reputation as a marksman, I am now wracked with guilt. I don't even want to fire a gun anymore. Come to think of it, why the fuck did I even agree to be here?

CHRIS PRATT

Look, just try and fail to shoot the target, so that later on, you can dramatically succeed and-

ETHAN HAWKE

(picks up gun and annihilates target)

SUCH GUILT

(mopes off)

CHRIS PRATT

Huh.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Right, if we can't turn the townsfolk into an elite sniper squad in a matter of days, we may need other ways to defend this place. Thoughts?

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

I have some ideas... I mean, how A-Team do you wanna go with this?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I'm okay with tripwires, trenches, even some simple mechanical traps. But no improvised cabbage-firing machines or any of that later-seasons shit. Sound good?

MANUEL GARCIA-RULFO

Sure. Hey, maybe we should steal all of Sarsgaard's dynamite, that might help.

The GANG ride into SARSGAARD'S MINING SITE and kill all the dudes guarding it and take all his dynamite.

CHRIS PRATT

Wow, that surprise-attack, take-it-to-them strategy really worked! Maybe we should keep doing that instead of digging in and waiting for overwhelming numbers to come kill us.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(eeeeever soooo sloooowly tilting his head upwards, half a degree per minute, until his magnetic eyes are juuuust baaarely visible past the imposing brim of his EXTREMELY SUPER-DUPER COOL cowboy hat)

Nah.

INT. SALOON - LATER THAT NIGHT

The MAGNIFICENT SEVEN sit around to DRINK and BOND since at some point these assholes are supposed to give a shit about each other and we haven't really set any of that up.

CHRIS PRATT

So my character's supposed to be Irish or whatever?

BYUNG-HUN LEE

Oh hey, let's try and figure out which of us is REALLY a robot!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

That's Westworld, fuckwit.

BYUNG-HUN LEE

Dude, I know. Westworld is WAAAAYYYY more interesting than anything WE'VE got going on right now. I heard about this two timelines theory-

ETHAN HAWKE

Fuck it, I can't do this! I'm bailing on everyone! Yup, won't be seeing ME again! Goodbye forever!

(leaves)

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

Gosh. Do we want to react to this, or is it SO painfully obvious he's coming back, that why bother?

CHRIS PRATT

(thinks)

I'm gonna say... Manuel's the robot.

EXT. BIG SHOWDOWN DAY

As promised, PETER SARSGAARD shows up with his bazillion evil dudes, at the exact day and time he told the townspeople to expect him.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Kids, quick, into the cellars! Hide yourselves! Why the fuck did we wait until right now to do this?

PETER SARSGAARD

I have an ultimate weapon, but why jump straight to that. First, the charge of uselessness! Off you go!

Most of PETER'S MEN charge towards the town on horseback! They CHARGE and CHARGE and CHARGE MORE!! BOY DO THEY EVER CHARGE!!

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

Heh heh, they're in for a surprise when they hit those trenches we dug!

LUKE GRIMES

They sure are... wait a sec, are we INSIDE the trench? What the fuck?!? Our plan is to shoot from here where we can't retreat?!

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

Holy shit why would we not simply let the horses fall into the trenches and then pick off the riders from nearby cover?!? Who made this fucking stupid plan?!

Meanwhile the evil guys are STILL CHARGING BECAUSE WE GOTTA BUILD THIS UP!

CHRIS PRATT

Well my part of the plan is super sneaky and clever. I stand inside this shed and then walk out and shoot people.

FINALLY the baddies get close enough and BATTLE IS JOINED! The MAGNIFICENT SEVEN start MOWING DOWN FUCKERS LEFT AND RIGHT!

MANUEL GARCIA-RULFO

Wow, we're kicking major ass!

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

Yeah, I just have to aim at somebody and they fall dead!

CHRIS PRATT

(doing windmill arms)

You guys are AIMING?!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Not me. I'm just emptying my gun into the ground and killing 10 guys with each shot.

BYUNG-HUN LEE

I'm at least using knives which requires a minimum of effort...

But it turns out PETER has an EVIL COMANCHE in his crew, who kills VINCENT!!

HALEY BENNETT

Damn you! I'll avenge Vincent's death hahaha no obviously that's Martin's job.

MARTIN obligingly kills EVIL COMANCHE!

ETHAN HAWKE

I'm back everybody! Try to act astonished!

PETER SARSGAARD

It seems my staggering number of hirelings is no match for this handful of badass fuckers. But I have a surprise for them... my ultimate weapon! Ho ho, there's no way you could ever predict-

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Is it a Gatling gun?

PETER SARSGAARD

Um...

CHRIS PRATT

Because it IS ALWAYS a fucking Gatling gun. Please tell me that we could maybe go another direction? Just this once?

PETER SARSGAARD

...It's a Gatling gun.

The GATLING GUN opens fire SHREDDING most of the town and killing ETHAN and BYUNG-HUN!!!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Kids, women, flee to safety!! Seriously, this assault was fucking scheduled, why are these people not miles away already?!?

CHRIS PRATT

I'm gonna go after the Gatling gun! Cover me!

(rushes forward)

(is shot)

Arrrghh! Must... continue...

(shot again)

BLRRGHH keep... going... forward...

(shot 13 more times)

ARRRGHH cannot... fail...

(impaled by elephant tusk)

OUUCHIEE just... enough... strength.. to...

(dunked in acid)

OOF must... reach...

(torn apart by wolves)

YOIKSS townsfolk.. depending... on...

(crushed by runaway steam train)

OWWWW can I... just have... a cigarette...

BAD GUY

Jesus fuck dude. ONE bullet from any of you sends our mangled corpses flying thirty feet backwards. This is some bullshit right here, but fuck it, sure, have this open flame, mere feet away from our unstoppable weapon. Why not.

CHRIS PRATT

A-ha... I have... dynamite! Should have finished me off... instead of letting me stall... by rambling on and on! Looks like this time Prattling... beats Gatling!

CHRIS BLOWS THE FUCK UP both HIMSELF and the GATLING GUN! Back in town, PETER and DENZEL face off.

PETER SARSGAARD

It's just you and me now, Denzel. The final showdown. The ultimate confrontation. The epic conclusion to-

DENZEL WASHINGTON

While you were talking I shot you ten times and ripped your dick off.

PETER SARSGAARD

Goddamn. Well even the most ineffectual villain can still try the old concealed-backup-gun trick...

HALEY BENNETT

Not so fast!

(shoots Peter)

Hey, I did something! Yay for me!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(evvvver soooooooo slooooooowly tilting his head upwards, with the measured pace of eroding rock, until his fierce, harsh, magnetic eyes are ONLY THE TINEST, BARELY MEASURABLE DISTANCE POSSIBLE, LIKE YOU'D NEED AN ATOMIC MICROSCOPE CRANKED UP TO ELEVEN visible past the imposing brim of his INCREDIBLY GOD-PWNINGLY cool cowboy hat)

Thanks.

LUKE GRIMES

Hurray, our decimated, shot-all-to-shit town is safe again!

MANUEL GARCIA-RULFO

And it only cost Chris, Ethan, Byung-Hun, and Vincent their lives. And can I point out Denzel does not have ONE FUCKING SCRATCH on him? Like, his fucking suit's not even dirty.

MARTIN SENSMEIER

So the black guy, the Mexican guy, and the Comanche guy survived! That's a break from tradition, at least.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Yup. Progress, baby!

(grins, gives thumbs-up)

HALEY BENNETT (V/O)

And so they rode out triumphantly, utterly ignoring the crumpled bodies of their dead friends, having murdered a bunch of dudes because we paid them to. In other words... they were MAGNIFICENT.

Over the END CREDITS we get a rousing rendition of ELMER BERNSTEIN'S "MAGNIFICENT SEVEN" THEME, which earworms the AUDIENCE and pretty much obliterates any lingering memory of JAMES HORNER'S LAST EVER FILM SCORE.

END