FADE IN:

EXT. LOS ANGELES - 2001

A TRUCK full of merchandise is being robbed by HIJACKERS in CARS, who are driving FAST! The CARS have NEON UNDERGLOW because TEENAGERS THINK THAT SHIT BE COOL YO.

TRUCK DRIVER

Argh! Neon light kits! Much scarier than guns! Say, do you guys even have one of those?

HIJACKERS

(has harpoon)

TRUCK DRIVER

Really? That's it? Jesus if only I had, like, a shotgun or something, then you guys would be fucked.

(is robbed)

HIJACKERS

Great job team! Let's always rob trucks while they're still going 60mph instead of forcing them to stop and THEN robbing them! THAT strategy would be pure idiocy!

They escape, FURIOUSLY!

INT. VIN DIESEL’S CAFE

PAUL WALKER is totally not a JOHNNY UTAH-ish undercover cop investigating a BODHI-ish VIN DIESEL for the hijackings.

PAUL WALKER

I would like to order your finest shit-smear sandwich, no crust, because I am a 4 year old.

JORDANA BREWSTER

As the cook I fully admit the sandwiches are in fact made with authentic shit-smear and will chew you out for ordering them. Why would you come here every day to order them?

PAUL WALKER

You being a pretty girl who constantly wears tight jeans has absolutely nothing to do with it.

VIN DIESEL’S crew arrive, FAST!

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ

I’m the tough chick with permanent resting bitch face!

MATT SCHULZE

I’m Vin’s right hand man!

CHAD LINDBERG

I’m also here!

A FOURTH GUY

Me too!

MATT SCHULZE

As Vin’s best friend I immediately distrust Paul, what, with those gorgeous blonde locks and smoldering blue eyes of his... and those luscious full lips you just want to wrap yourself up in like a warm blanket...

(stares at Paul longingly)

PAUL WALKER

OK I’m gonna go now.

MATT SCHULZE

WHAT?! YOU WANNA FIGHT?! COME AT ME BRAH! I’LL KICK YOUR ASS!

PAUL WALKER

But I didn’t even

(gets ass kicked)

VIN breaks up the fight, FURIOUSLY!

VIN DIESEL

Paul, your lame attempts to bang my sister gravels my voice. Keep your sexy the fuck away from her.

EXT. ILLEGAL STREET RACING PLACE

PAUL arrives with his expensive racing CAR that he DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.

JA RULE, UGH

It... it was 2001. I was a thing, sort of. It was a horrible period in American history. I apologize.

(bows head in shame)

VIN and his crew drive up to the place in PERFECTLY CHOREOGRAPHED FORMATION.

PAUL WALKER

Nope, certainly not the hijackers. No siree. Vin, I’m here to earn your respect by beating you in this street race. I’ll even wager my car.

VIN DIESEL

I couldn’t hear you over the sound of me swallowing Tone Loc’s voice and adding it to my own.

They RACE! FAST! Some poorly aged CGI happens! FURIOUSLY! PAUL LOSES!

PAUL WALKER

(grinning like a moron)

I just lost my $70,000 car but it’s okay because I almost beat you, Vin!

VIN DIESEL

Instead of laughing in your face and driving away in your car I will scold you in front of everyone as they hang on my every word.

PAUL WALKER

Wow! You’re so charismatic! No way are you the master hijacker I’m looking for! Let’s be best buds!

VIN DIESEL

No way blondie! Unless of course you were suddenly given the opportunity to earn my respect and thus join my team of gearheads, but what are the chances of that happenOHFUCKCOPS!

THE PO-PO arrive and everyone drives off in CARS, FAST!

VIN DIESEL

But I will inexplicably park my car in a nearby garage and escape on foot because HEY PAUL HERE'S YOUR CHANCE!

PAUL uses his CAR to rescue VIN, FURIOUSLY! But they are suddenly accosted by ASIAN STEREOTYPES on BIKES, which are not CARS, which are FAST!

RICK YUNE

Hello Paul. I’m the bad guy. But really I’m just here so you have someone else to suspect of being the hijackers besides Vin. Also your Mitsubishi offends me so I’m blowing that shit up. Buy American next time, asshole!

INT. VIN DIESEL’S HOUSE

VIN and PAUL arrive in a CAB, which is not very FAST!

MATT SCHULZE

Whoawhoawhoa, what’s pretty boy Paul doing here with his cute nose and broad shoulders?!

VIN DIESEL

He’s my new best friend now. Suck it, Matt. Hey Paul, remember how I wouldn’t let you date my sister? Embargo lifted!

PAUL WALKER

Cool!

(drinks Matt's backwash)

INT. FBI SAFEHOUSE

PAUL meets with his superior TED LEVIN.

PAUL WALKER

I don’t think Vin’s the guy we’re looking for.

TED LEVINE

Because he gave you a beer and let you fuck his sister?

PAUL WALKER

Yes. Is that not how policing works?

TED LEVINE

You’re an idiot. Go get some evidence on Vin, FAST!

INT. VIN DIESEL’S HOUSE

PAUL uses his keen FBI criminal detecting skills to GET TO KNOW VIN’S CREW BETTER and SYMPATHIZE with them.

CHAD LINDBERG

I have A.D.D!

MATT SCHULZE

I’m a whinny little bitch!

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ

I’m a human, presumably!

A FOURTH GUY

Me too!

PAUL goes snooping around and is caught by MATT who, you can imagine, is FURIOUS.

MATT SCHULZE

See?! He’s a fucking cop! Just listen to that sexy cop voice of his! And those white, straight teeth? Those are cop teeth!

VIN DIESEL

Paul, are you a cop?

PAUL WALKER

No?

VIN DIESEL

Convinced! Now I'll tell you about how my dad died in a car wreck and how I went to jail for nearly killing the guy responsible.

(sad puppy dog eyes)

PAUL WALKER

Awwwwww! Surely someone who suffered such a tragic loss could never rob trucks! It must be Rick Yune, that fucker!

PAUL and the FBI raid RICK’S HOUSE and arrest him, FAST! This makes RICK'S FATHER, wait for it... FURIOUS! He OBLITERATES RICK’S FACE with the back of his hand.

RICK YUNE

At least he didn’t cannonball diamonds into my face, that would look ridiculous.

TED LEVINE

Well Paul, it turns out Rick’s innocent, which leaves us with Vin who's clearly guilty as fuck. Go bring him in or you get the hose again.

EXT. RACE WARS

Lots of RACERS race CARS really FAST! MICHELLE wins a RACE by being FAST while looking FURIOUS! CHAD bets his CAR and loses a race against RICK because he is SLOW, which is NOT FAST! VIN and his team run off in a hurry.

PAUL WALKER

Jordana, I’m a cop.

JORDANA BREWSTER

That news makes me really... shit, what's the word?

PAUL WALKER

Sad?

JORDANA BREWSTER

No.

PAUL WALKER

Angry?

JORDANA BREWSTER

Warmer.

PAUL WALKER

FURIOUS?

JORDANA BREWSTER

THAT'S THE ONE!

PAUL WALKER

I know Vin is a criminal. Please help me to stop him from committing his next hijacking.

JORDANA BREWSTER

Sure, I’ll sell out my brother and his friends for a guy I literally just met who has done nothing but use me and lie about who he is.

PAUL WALKER

Thatta girl.

EXT. HIGHWAY

VIN and his team use CARS to try and rob a truck without CHAD, or MASKS.

VIN DIESEL

This should go pretty smoothly, that is unless...

TRUCK DRIVER

(has shotgun)

(and is FURIOUS!)

VIN DIESEL

SHIT WE'RE FUCKED!!!

Everything goes TITS UP, FAST! MICHELLE crashes and MATT is seriously injured.

VIN DIESEL

Holy shit, Chad must have been the glue that held this operation together.

PAUL uses a CAR to save them, FURIOUSLY!

PAUL WALKER

Vin, I’m a cop.

VIN DIESEL

That’s nice.

(just kinda walks away calmly and with almost no fastness or furiousness at all)

EXT. VIN DIESEL’S HOUSE

VIN waits around for PAUL to show up.

PAUL WALKER

Dude did you not hear what I said? Why would you come back here? How did you know I wouldn’t bring a shitload of cops with me?

VIN DIESEL

We’ve already established you’re too dumb to have done that. Besides the Bro Love is strong between us.

PAUL WALKER

Yes, I have felt it. There are millions of people vigorously typing out 50 Shades of Grey quality slash fiction as we speak.

VIN DIESEL

I’ve already gotten Michelle and A Fourth Guy to safety so now I have to go find Chad before Rick kills him OH WAIT THERE HE IS.

CHAD conveniently appears and so does RICK who does a drive-by. He shoots a FUCKTON of BULLETS at everyone, but CHAD’s body is made out of MAGNETS so all the bullets hit him and he dies, FAST!

RICK YUNE

Why am I doing this? My family is rich and affluent, this will just bring more shame to them. Why didn’t I at least hire someone to do this for me?

PAUL WALKER

My idiot juice must have rubbed off on you. You are the villain after all.

RICK YUNE

Uh, no. Sure I blew up your car and comically harassed that auto parts guy, dick moves for sure, but you falsely narced on me to the cops, humiliated me in front of my family, and Chad reneged on our bet. Technically this is all you guys’s fault.

RICK drives off and PAUL chases him. RICK shoots a METRIC ASSLOAD of bullets at PAUL’s CAR, but it’s, like, BULLETPROOF or something.

RICK YUNE

I didn’t land a single hit on his car. His windshield isn’t even cracked. What the hell man?

(is shot dead)

PAUL meets up with VIN for an IMPROMPTU RACE.

PAUL WALKER

Vin, why the fuck are you still hanging around? Are you TRYING to get arrested and sent to butt-pounding prison?

VIN DIESEL

I couldn’t leave without having one last race to cap off our epic bromance.

They RACE! Really FAST! But then things SLOW DOWN for some reason. VIN and PAUL STARE at each other for an an uncomfortably long time, FURIOUSLY!

VIN and PAUL are about to cross some TRAIN TRACKS where a TRAIN is approaching, FAST! WILL THEY MAKE IT? WILL THEY?! THIS IS SO INTENSE!

PAUL WALKER

Unless you saw the trailer or watched the TV spots which totally spoil this entire section of the movie.

THEY MAKE IT! PAUL and VIN stare longingly into each other’s eyes while SPEEDING really FAST(!!!) for what seems like an EXTENDED ETERNITY.

VIN DIESEL

For an expert car driver I have a terrible habit of not looking where I’m going OH SHIT!!!!

VIN runs into a semi at 120MPH and is catapulted into the air! FURIOUSLY!

PEPPY

Do a barrel roll!

VIN DOES and CRASHES into the pavement at MACH 10. VIN survives, but is HURT and BLEEDING.

PAUL WALKER

Really? Wow, that’s... surprising.

VIN DIESEL

How so?

PAUL WALKER

You just seem like the kind of guy who could easily walk away from deadly car crashes without a scratch.

VIN DIESEL

I’ll have to write that into my contract should I appear in any sequels. Police sirens are approaching. I had better face my fate like a real man.

PAUL hands over his keys.

VIN DIESEL

Or run like a spineless coward. Seeya!

(escapes, FAST!)

PAUL WALKER

Really? God, even Donnie Brasco didn’t go THIS far off the reservation.

(is shit-canned)

The MOVIE goes on to spawn a BILLION DOLLAR FRANCHISE.

CHAD LINDBERG

Aw man, really? Is it too late to bring my character back with amnesia? Or in a flashback maybe? No? Well shit.

CHAD's career goes NOWHERE, FAST!

Oh, and FURIOUS!

END