"It's room 715 again. Look, I distinctly remember ordering a big pile of TAPAS, not a big pile of TAPES. (pause) Well, I'd like your manager to explain to me whose idea that was. (pause) Okay, I'd like your manager's manager to..."

IMPEACHMENT: AMERICAN CRIME STORY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. PENTAGON CAFETERIA

The ENTIRE ROOM audibly groans as employee SARAH PAULSON enters.

SARAH PAULSON

(to a CAFETERIA WORKER)

Hi. Yes. You. Yes. This soup bowl is COMPLETELY inadequate. I need NOURISHMENT to get me through my very important work. Now it's not as important as the work I did in the WHITE HOUSE, but it's still VERY important, and I expect my serving of soup to reflect that. I need to be able to drown a miniature horse in creamy potato bacon, or I CANNOT do my job, which is MUCH more prestigious than yours. Understand?

CAFETERIA WORKER

Yeah, I just bus trays around here, so...

SARAH PAULSON

Okay, I have VERY powerful friends in my former place of employment, which, I'll remind you, is the WHITE HOUSE, so I suggest you shape up and do as I say.

She storms off to a TABLE, where she meets fellow employee BEANIE FELDSTEIN.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

If it makes you feel any better, I also used to work at the White House. I miss their cafeteria. They had the good butter pats.

SARAH PAULSON

Oh, I know. I stole a whole crate of them when I left. So why did they send you here? Did the First Lady have someone nail your cat to the door too?

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

It's kind of a long--wait, she had someone nail your cat to the door?

SARAH PAULSON

No, but, you know, she WOULD. I used to be incredibly attractive in addition to working in the same building as the president. It's hard to believe I haven't been murdered yet.

ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE PERSON WITHIN EARSHOT

Sure is.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

BEANIE drops in to see PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

I brought you another tie. This one has Snoopy on it.

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Aw, darlin', if you were any sweeter, you'd give me type 2 diabeetus.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

(begins to lift skirt)

Ready to find out just how sweet I can be?

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

(gently lowers her hands)

I can't do that, remember? You know First Lady Edie Falco checks my breath when I come back to the Residence every night.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

Well, I've been thinking about that, and I thought you could just brush your teeth--

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Can't. She always examines my toothbrush through a molecular spectroscope.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

Or just take some mouthwash--

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Can't. She always analyzes a sample of my mouthwash with a Siemens machine.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

Pizza? She could easily believe you just ate a pizza.

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Look, I know you want me to arouse you, and I assure you I do have that intent. I just can't make physical contact with your genitalia, anus, groin, breast, inner thigh, or buttocks for that purpose. It's in Article II of the Constitution. Not a lot of people know that.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

Then what can you do? I'm always down to get evidence of YOU in my mouth, but this is starting to feel really one-sided.

PRESIDENT OWEN opens a nearby DRAWER and pulls out a LIGHT BULB, a CIGAR, a NERF DART, and a BANANA.

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Your choice.

INT. SHOPPING MALL

The ENTIRE MALL audibly groans as SARAH walks along with BEANIE.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

...I mean, who ever wanted their vag to smell like tobacco, right? But I have to tell you, it was a LOT hotter than I expected.

SARAH PAULSON

Uh-huh.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

Especially when he blindfolded me with the Snoopy tie right in the middle of it. Pure erotica.

SARAH PAULSON

Right.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

And then we cuddled on the sofa and he showed me his scrapbook of old Peanuts comics. I think this is really going somewhere.

SARAH PAULSON

Fascinating. Look, this has nothing at all to do with me and my career, so if we could just--

Suddenly they pass by a display of TV SETS, all of which are tuned to PRESIDENT OWEN giving a speech.

SARAH PAULSON

(squints)

That's a Snoopy tie. The president of the United States is wearing a Snoopy tie.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

Um... uh... no, I'm pretty sure that's one of the Muppets. Ooh, look, funnel cake!

(runs off)

SARAH immediately runs home to call publishing agent ESTEEMED CHARACTER ACTRESS MARGO MARTINDALE.

SARAH PAULSON

I've got a book idea for you. It's about the president.

ESTEEMED CHARACTER ACTRESS MARGO MARTINDALE

Boring.

SARAH PAULSON

It's about the president FUCKING.

ESTEEMED CHARACTER ACTRESS MARGO MARTINDALE

Boring.

SARAH PAULSON

WEIRD fucking.

ESTEEMED CHARACTER ACTRESS MARGO MARTINDALE

Boring.

SARAH PAULSON

With FEELINGS.

ESTEEMED CHARACTER ACTRESS MARGO MARTINDALE

(snaps to attention)

Get some proof and you'll ALWAYS eat lunch in this town again.

SARAH PAULSON

Horse-drowning creamy potato bacon, here I come!

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

Meanwhile, lawyer COLIN HANKS questions ANNALEIGH ASHFORD, who is accompanied by her husband, TARAN KILLAM, and their hayseed-to-English interpreter, JUDITH LIGHT.

COLIN HANKS

And did you turn the governor down?

JUDITH LIGHT

"Did you tell that dirty no-good sumbitch to keep his hands to hisself?"

ANNALEIGH ASHFORD

I sure done did. I told him I wuhn't 'bout to take the slow train from Hot Springs, cuz Mama dihn't raise no painted lady.

JUDITH LIGHT

"I firmly expressed my lack of consent to the governor's sexual advances and my commitment to fidelity in marriage."

TARAN KILLAM

Hell yeah. I gots me a good-ass wifey here.

JUDITH LIGHT

"Indubitably. I have found a virtuous woman whose price is far above rubies."

COLIN HANKS

(sighs)

Thank you for the six hours I'll never get back.

(leaves)

ANNALEIGH ASHFORD

So when's they gonna give us the money? We got big plans. We gonna hit the Piggly-Wiggly, buy us some weenies...

JUDITH LIGHT

That's lovely, dear, but are you sure the money is what you want? Wouldn't it be so much better to become the public face of the president's sexual transgressions?

ANNALEIGH ASHFORD

But... I just told 'em I dihn't want him to tra-- tranger-- transess--

JUDITH LIGHT

Transgress.

ANNALEIGH ASHFORD

Yeah. I just told 'em I dihn't want him to transgress on my face.

JUDITH LIGHT

No, no. What I mean is that many, many other women have accused him, but you could be the one who gets famous.

ANNALEIGH ASHFORD

Oh, I duhn't know about FAMOUS, Mrs. Judith.

JUDITH LIGHT

Think of it, Annaleigh. Fame means contacts. Contacts mean jobs. Jobs mean money...

TARAN KILLAM

...and money means more weenies! You GOTTA get famous now, babe. We gonna have the best pig-pickin's this side of Bearskin Lake.

ANNALEIGH ASHFORD

Uh...

JUDITH LIGHT

(claps hands)

Delightful. Meet your new lawyers.

GEORGE SALAZAR and COBIE SMULDERS enter.

GEORGE SALAZAR

Mrs. Ashford, let me begin by saying how sorry we are that you've--

COBIE SMULDERS

I'd much prefer to drown the president in his own detritus, but this'll have to do.

GEORGE SALAZAR

I can promise you that we're committed to seeking justice for--

COBIE SMULDERS

Hang him by the feet, dip him in a cauldron of his own boiling feces. That's where it's at.

GEORGE SALAZAR

And of course we'll make sure you receive a settlement proportional to--

COBIE SMULDERS

Put his head on a pike in Dupont Circle as a warning to the Democrats, the liberals, the feminists, the gays, the blacks, the Jews, the immigrants, and blond Republican women who aren't me. But, whatever. Law.

ANNALEIGH ASHFORD

(whispers to JUDITH)

What'd they say?

JUDITH LIGHT

(whispers back)

"We gon' string him up like the pond-draggin' slimebucket he is."

INT. OVAL OFFICE

PRESIDENT OWEN's secretary, RAE DAWN CHONG, enters.

RAE DAWN CHONG

Excuse me, sir, Beanie's on the phone again. She wants to come over and give you some quid.

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

I've gotta cut that girl loose, Rae Dawn. She's got this crazy idea that I'm gonna give her quo just because she gives me quid.

RAE DAWN CHONG

You did promise her quo, sir. I heard you.

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Well, I can't give her that exact quo, or everyone will figure out that she's been giving me quid. Get Blair Underwood on the phone. See if he can set up some alternative quo for her.

RAE DAWN CHONG

Sir, the first paragraph of Mr. Underwood's Wikipedia entry identifies him as your close advisor. Wouldn't his involvement alone be perceived as you giving Beanie quo?

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Who's gonna know? As long as she doesn't blab about it to some horribly vindictive and self-satisfying bitch bag.

They arrange for BEANIE to get her QUO. She immediately gets on the phone with SARAH.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

So I've been waiting for, like, two years for Clive to finally give me that quo he promised me, because I've been down to give him any kind of quid he wants when he wants it, but obviously he couldn't give me quo at the White House or everyone would know it was quo, but his friend Blair found me some out-of-town quo, so even if Clive and I can't have quid anymore, it all works out! Isn't that great?

SARAH PAULSON

(taping every word)

Oh yeah. It's gold, all right.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

Listen, you're not gonna tell anyone about this, right? I mean, you've always been a good friend to me, but you just sold out another old colleague to the national press, so...

SARAH PAULSON

Oh, Beanie, I'd NEVER repeat this information to another person with my mouth. You're my very dearest friend, not some pawn in a years-long effort to make myself a household name.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

...Weird way of putting it, but I'm glad to hear that. Anyway--

SARAH PAULSON

Okay, I'm done with your prattling. Go fuck yourself with Edie's crack pipe.

(hangs up)

She brings the tapes to COLIN, who audibly groans when she walks in.

COLIN HANKS

So let me understand this: You secretly and illegally taped a person you call your good friend, and now you're bringing those tapes to a group of people who have spent the past several years looking for an excuse to drive the president out of office, no matter who gets publicly humiliated in the process, all because you think he and his wife would send their goon squad after you for unrelated reasons that nobody talks about anymore?

SARAH PAULSON

Yes. Will I be charged for that?

COLIN HANKS

Oh, no way. You did us a solid. But... WOW, you're a stone-cold bitch, aren't you?

SARAH PAULSON

Well, I don't know about that. I was just trying to--

COLIN HANKS

No, let me finish. I've worked in D.C. for my entire life, and you may literally be the worst human being I could imagine. If I were Ms. Feldstein, I'd drive that hatpin the president gave her into your flappy fucking throat.

SARAH PAULSON

Okay, this really isn't about--

COLIN HANKS

I've spoken to you for a total of two minutes, and I already hate you. No, "hate" isn't even the right word. I HRRRNNNGGGHHH you. I'm gonna HRRRNNNGGGHHH you for the rest of my life, and I hope you rot for all eternity in the darkest, deepest, hottest, loudest sub-basement of hell.

(pauses)

Sorry, I really don't know where that came from.

SARAH PAULSON

It's fine. I get that a lot.

INT. DEPOSITION

PRESIDENT OWEN and his LAWYERS sit down across from ANNALEIGH and her LAWYERS.

SOME LAWYER

Mr. President, did you ever engage in sex with Mrs. Ashford?

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Define "sex."

I'M NOT EVEN GONNA LOOK UP WHO PLAYED THIS LAWYER

Did you ever engage in sex with Ms. Feldstein?

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

I don't recall.

THEY'RE ALL WHITE DUDES YOU COULDN'T NAME ANYWAY

Were you ever alone with Ms. Feldstein?

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

I've been alone with a lot of people in my life.

THEY WEREN'T EVEN BIG NAMES AT THE TIME, JUST FORGET ABOUT IT

Did you fantasize about Mrs. Ashford and Ms. Feldstein wrestling in a tub of instant pudding while giving Mrs. Clinton her quarterly orgasm maybe?

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

I did not daydream about dessert-based nudity involving that woman, Ms. Feldstein.

THIS SHOW HAS WAY TOO MANY GODDAMN LAWYERS

You realize that's going to be the quote for which people remember your presidency?

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Define "that."

INTERNET NOT-JOURNALIST BILLY EICHNER

(casually strolls in)

Hello, hello! Just thought you all should know that I've posted an unsourced, unconfirmed report about the president and Beanie on the internet! Isn't it delicious?

(casually strolls out)

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Well, obviously you can't use that against me or Ms. Feldstein.

LAWYER GUY

Yes, we can.

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

On what grounds?

LAWYER GUY

It's a thing that exists.

INT. SARAH'S HOUSE

The INTERNET audibly groans as SARAH reads BILLY's report.

SARAH PAULSON

At last! Now the entire country will look upon me as the crusader for truth and justice that I've been this entire time! One day they'll dedicate a mountain to America's most courageous whistleblowers: the Pentagon Papers guy, the NYPD corruption guy, the NSA guy, and me.

THE ENTIRE COUNTRY

You're a shitty friend and you look like a 1984 Dodge Caravan with an uglier haircut.

SARAH PAULSON

...Those motherfuckers.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

PRESIDENT OWEN and EDIE sit down for an interview.

INTERVIEWER

Mr. President, why would both Ms. Feldstein and Mrs. Ashford go into so much detail about your junk if you never showed it to either of them?

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Because they're both nuts and sluts and they made it up.

INTERVIEWER

So it's not, as Mrs. Ashford stated, "as daggone twisted as a weasel on a washboard"?

FIRST LADY EDIE FALCO

Listen, my husband's genitals are perfectly rigid and not at all pockmarked in any way. I know this because I'm the only person who has ever experienced it, and every one of those frequent and lengthy experiences has been pleasurable for us both, which is why he feels no compulsion to show it to other women. Are we done? I think we're done.

She storms out. PRESIDENT OWEN follows her.

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

Aw, come on, honey! All you gotta do now is--

FIRST LADY EDIE FALCO

I don't GOTTA do anything. I've embarrassed myself enough as it is in front of the entire world, and now you expect me to forgive you to your face? How pathetic do you think I am?

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

What? No, this isn't about forgiveness. I know our bed's gonna be colder than a witch's tit for the rest of my life. It was already halfway there.

FIRST LADY EDIE FALCO

Then what do you want? Chairing all my future campaigns? Ghostwriting my memoirs? Handpicking my next five SNL actresses? Go ahead, make my fucking day.

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

I just want you to say the line.

(breaks into a grin)

FIRST LADY EDIE FALCO

Wh-what line? The "stand by your man" line? Why the hell are you grinning like that?

PRESIDENT CLIVE OWEN

(still grinning)

THE line. Go on. Say the line.

FIRST LADY EDIE FALCO

(realizing)

Oh, you can't be--

The ENTIRE WEST WING SENIOR STAFF runs in, all grinning.

RAE DAWN CHONG

Say THE LINE, Edie!

FIRST LADY EDIE FALCO

(sighs)

You have humiliated me for YEEAHS with these HOOWAHS.

ENTIRE WEST WING SENIOR STAFF

(throws up hands)

YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!

INT. GRAND JURY HEARING

BEANIE sits before an assembly of TOTAL PERVS.

TOTAL PERV #1

So, Ms. Feldstein, you were on record stating that while you and the president were engaged in a sexual affair, Sarah Paulson is the worst person ever.

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

Yes. That's correct. The very worst.

TOTAL PERV #2

Ms. Feldstein, on or about December 31, 1995, did you mention to anyone that Sarah Paulson makes everyone want to stick their face into a combine?

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

No, I did not.

TOTAL PERV #2

And why not?

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

Because everyone is already well aware that Sarah Paulson is a hemorrhoid who got turned into a human by the world's worst fairy.

TOTAL PERVS

(nod and murmur agreement)

TOTAL PERV #3

How many small animals has Sarah Paulson made you want to punch, Ms. Feldstein?

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

Zero.

TOTAL PERV #3

Zero?

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

I'd much rather punch Sarah Paulson.

TOTAL PERVS

Oh, yeah. Totally. So would we.

TOTAL PERV #4

One more question, Ms. Feldstein. Is it true that the president shoved a tobacco-filled paper cylinder into your woo-hoo and you liked it?

BEANIE FELDSTEIN

Yes, that's true. But I would remind the hearing that while he did it, I was imagining it was lit and shoved into Sarah Paulson's anus, and that's why I liked it.

TOTAL PERVS

Mm-hm. Completely understandable. I'd squirt, too.

EXT. COURTHOUSE

The WORLD audibly groans as SARAH reads a PREPARED STATEMENT.

SARAH PAULSON

"You goddamn ungrateful sons of bitches. I saved poor Beanie from having all manner of inanimate objects inserted into her orifices. I exposed President Owen for lacking the integrity to hold the office he holds. I made American politics interesting during a time of peace and prosperity. I gave the news media their biggest ratings draw since O.J. And for all that, you put John Goodman in a blond wig and call ME the asshole? Well, you go ahead and call me whatever you want, because one day I'll finally get around to writing that book and THEN you'll all line up to eat my shit!"

(writes that book 23 years later)

YOU

(probably didn't know that book existed until I told you just now)

INT. EPILOGUE

BEANIE executive-produced THIS VERY SERIES, likely maxing out all FUTURE OPPORTUNITIES to make a buck off THIS.

SARAH got enough PLASTIC SURGERY to stop resembling a MINIVAN, but not enough to wipe that EMINENTLY PUNCHABLE LOOK off her FACE.

ANNALEIGH became the only woman involved who ANYONE ever wanted to see naked again.

PRESIDENT OWEN spent the next TWENTY-ODD YEARS kicking back and letting everyone hate EDIE instead.

Between BILLY, GEORGE, and COBIE, GEORGE ended up being the MOST INTERESTING.

Someone involved in making the OFFICIAL REPORT on this matter read like C-SPAN AFTER MIDNIGHT is on the SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES now.

DECADES later, the AMERICAN PEOPLE were reminded that IMPEACHMENT doesn't really mean anything anyway.

END

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