FADE IN:

INT. UNDERGROUND GAMBLING PLACE - NIGHT

MATT DAMON sits on one side of a poker table, JOHN MALKOVICH on the other.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

You know.. a wise man once told me.. that if you sit on a tack.. and it drives itself into your buttcheeks...then you need to go to a hospital.

MATT DAMON is dealt a few cards. He looks at them.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

And I'll tell ya something... whoever you are..

MATT DAMON throws a few chips into the pot.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

I just sat on one helluva tack.

JOHN MALKOVICH raises him, smiling and licking an OREO cookie.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

And there aren't any hospitals around here for miles.

MATT DAMON folds.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

And for some strange reason...

JOHN MALKOVICH rakes his chips in and puts an OREO down his pants.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

I keep doing broken, meaningless narrations..

MATT DAMON is dealt another hand. He bets all of his chips.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

In present tense, too...

JOHN MALKOVICH calls. MATT DAMON reveals his cards.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

Which means you can read my mind... which creeps me out.

JOHN MALKOVICH reveals his hand, which beats DAMONS.

JOHN MALKOVICH

(in comical Russian accent)

Vell den, it luks like eye beet youk.

MATT DAMON

It's not fair! I was doing a voiceover!

JOHN MALKOVICH

Too bad. Looks like I chipped your straight flop of a river on your card back.

MATT DAMON

Yeah, well, at least I didn't flip my stack of happy rollings on a double cheese queen.

JOHN MALKOVICH

Well, your mother was a muscled holder of spaded queen-jacks.

MATT DAMON

Don't make me raise the bottom-decked pot-nugget.

WRITERS DAVID LEVIEN AND BRIAN KOPPELMAN

We know more poker jargon than you, neener neener.

FEMALES IN AUDIENCE

C'mon. I only came here to see Matt. Take your shirt off, Matt!

INT. JAIL - DAY

EDWARD NORTON

I'm out of jail! Let's play cards!

MATT DAMON

Ok.

They GAMBLE.

FEMALES IN AUDIENCE

How many more card games do I have to watch? When does Matt get nekkid?!

INT. DAMON'S HOME - NIGHT

MATT DAMON

Hi, honey. I'm a really intelligent college kid who lives by his own rules and has a special ability. I hope I can pull this role off - it's a real stretch for me.

OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

I wish you would stop gambling.

MATT DAMON

That's too bad.

OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

Then I'm leaving you!

MATT DAMON

I will deal with this by playing more poker so that we have more poker scenes. Then I can cut my decks uber- shuffle.

EDWARD NORTON

Good. I kind of racked up a lot of debts and need to win some money to pay them back.

FEMALES IN AUDIENCE

DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING! I JUST WANT SOMETHING TO HAPPEN IN THIS MOVIE OTHER THAN ANOTHER DAMN GAME OF POKER!! AIEEEEEEEE!!

INT. UNDERGROUND GAMBLING PLACE - DAY

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

And there I was again...

JOHN deals some cards.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

Playing the game of my life..

They play POKER.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

And doing more hokey voiceovers made to sound really intelligent.

They continue playing untill MATT DAMON gets a hand where he needs a single, specific card to win it ALL, overcome the ODDS, and be the champion of the WORLD.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

A wise man once asked me... if a tree falls in a forest.. and nobody is around to hear it.. does it make a sound?

JOHN takes a card from the deck and slowly throws it to MATT.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

And I don't know. Nor do I care.

It's the card he needs. MATT WINS!

MATT DAMON (V.O.)

Because it has nothing to do with this movie. Much like these narrations.

FEMALES IN AUDIENCE

(running out of the theater,) screaming)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

END