FADE IN:

INT. TRAIN

On a TRAIN TO TURKEY, DENZEL WASHINGTON goes up to ADAM KARST and his FLUNKIES while wearing FAKE GLASSES and a FAKE WHALER BEARD.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Hi there, folks! I’m some American guy you’ve never heard of!

ADAM KARST

That’s... entirely true. You are exactly the person you’re claiming to be. So what exactly is the point of the whole Amish Paradise disguise, then?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I guess I’m just establishing my master-of-disguise abilities, which I will never use again after this one scene. Anyhoo, you kidnapped your daughter from her American mother just to be a dick, and I’d like you to return her. Remember, I like to at least give my enemies a chance to do the right thing.

ADAM KARST

Will you do THAT ever again after this one scene?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Nnnnope!

DENZEL rips the bad guys’ LUNGS out through their NOSTRILS, and honestly they’re just lucky he didn’t decide to do it the other way around.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Ha ha, man I love stand-alone fight scenes at the beginning of the movie which establish my badass credentials without having any impact whatsoever on the plot! In fact, fuck it, I’m going to go do another one of those immediately.

INT. DOUCHEBAG APARTMENT

DENZEL goes to face down a bunch of RICH ASSHOLES.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Hi, I’m the Lyft driver you hired? Remember, you booked me under one of your own accounts, paid for me with one of your own credit cards, and one of you personally loaded a bleeding, bruised sexual assault victim into my car right downstairs from your own apartment, you fucking morons? Anyway, hand over all the evidence of this crime please.

RICH ASSHOLE

Say, did it occur to you that if you’d come here with one of the many guns you own, you could have easily forced us to quietly cooperate?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Yeah but then I wouldn’t get to do this.

(ties guy’s arms into a reef knot)

He proceeds to METHODICALLY DISMANTLE all of the ASSHOLES, including performing possibly the only NON-LETHAL NECK BREAK in the history of action movies.

RICH ASSHOLE

FUCK YOU! Oh, you’ll pay for this! Considering we’re rich and connected and can easily identify you from your Lyft profile, there’s absolutely no chance of you getting away with this!!

(events never mentioned again)

INT. DENZEL’S APARTMENT

DENZEL gets home and immediately realizes that somebody is already inside! He stealthily enters and finds... his old friend MELISSA LEO!

MELISSA LEO

It’s okay, it’s just me! I just figured that instead of waiting for you outside, I’d break into a twitchy super-assassin’s house and surprise him, no way that could possibly have backfired horribly.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

It’s okay, I was prepared for this after I saw Josh Brolin do the exact same thing in Sicario 2.

MELISSA LEO

So I just thought I’d pop by and remind you that while you may have left your old life behind, there’s still at least one person who still cares about you. Me. Melissa Leo, your old friend. A person who matters to you.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

...Okay, you’re definitely going to be murdered.

MELISSA LEO

Anyway, I gotta get back to work. I’m investigating this thing with the help of Pedro Pascal, your fellow intelligence operative who used to be a close and trusted friend of yours.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

...By THAT GUY. You’re definitely going to be murdered by THAT SPECIFIC GUY.

INT. BELGIAN MURDER HOUSE

MELISSA and PEDRO are investigating the death of some BELGIAN POLITICIAN and his WIFE, because in addition to being an AMERICAN INTELLIGENCE AGENT, MELISSA is also an INTERNATIONAL DETECTIVE, apparently?

BELGIAN DETECTIVE

This is a pretty clear case of murder-suicide. Obviously he punched his wife in the face, made her sit at the dinner table, forced her arms down with both hands and her head down with his other hand, then used his OTHER other hand to shoot her at point-blank range. All without his fingerprints getting on her, or her blood getting on him.

MELISSA LEO

Psst. Pedro. I’m thinking that mmmmaaaayyyybe this is a murder we’re looking at.

PEDRO PASCAL

I see. Do you plan on pointing this out to the other people here in the room? The ones who brought you here for the express purpose of getting your take on this crime scene?

MELISSA LEO

Nah. I figure for now I’ll go back to my hotel while keeping my suspicions entirely to myself.

PEDRO PASCAL

Well that makes things easy.

INT. DENZEL'S APARTMENT

DENZEL gets a call from BILL PULLMAN.

BILL PULLMAN

So Melissa just got murdered.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Yeah, big surprise. I suppose that you, fellow elite agent and her husband, will now investigate and bring her killers to justice?

BILL PULLMAN

Me? No, clearly the appropriate person to seek revenge is you, the man she’s seen all of twice in the past decade.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

For fuck’s sake, at the end of the first movie I was shown putting out that “Vigilante For Hire” ad which is supposed to be the whole premise behind the Equalizer character, why am I still just randomly stumbling into evil schemes to thwart?

(sighs)

All right, I’ll look into it. Meanwhile with Melissa gone, I’ll be needing a new “sole tether to humanity” character. Last movie I had a misguided young person who was falling into the clutches of gangsters, do we happen to have another one of those lying around?

ASHTON HOLMES

Hi there, I’m your neighbour, a youth who is taking up with a local crime gang because I have no other way of earning money!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

That’ll do nicely! But yes, that is a pickle. I can understand that it can be hard to get a job when you’re a poor uneducated kid with no marketable skills-

ASHTON HOLMES

Oh, well we already had a whole thing about my professional-level house painting skills which I will gladly use to earn money. But what does that have to do with my employability?!?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

So you’re an idiot, noted, moving on.

EXT. PARK

DENZEL meets with PEDRO.

PEDRO PASCAL

Holy shit, Denzel? You’re alive!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

That’s right, I faked my death all those years ago. I let Melissa and Bill know I was still alive, but didn’t mention it to you because go fuck yourself.

(sits down)

Look Pedro, I have my doubts that Melissa was killed by muggers right inside her hotel room like they say. For one thing, what? I mean, is that even a thing that happens? For another, the muggers were just killed with a bomb, I think they were hired and whoever hired them also took them out to cover their tracks!

PEDRO PASCAL

So your theory is that these people assassinated two guys with an exploding radio in order to draw LESS attention to this whole shit show? Fine, if you say so. So where are you going to go next in your unrelenting pursuit of revenge?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Actually I was just going to go home, keep working at my job, and hope the next clue sort of fell into my lap.

(leaves)

PEDRO PASCAL

Damnit, now we’ve got to kill Denzel to cover up the murder of the muggers, who we killed to cover up the murder of Melissa, who we killed to cover up the murder of that politician, who we killed for whatever the fuck reason! I’m starting to wonder if “just add more murders” is quite the efficient strategy I thought it was.

EXT. STREET

DENZEL gets a SUSPICIOUS PASSENGER in his CAR.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

So you want to go to the airport, huh? Then how come you haven’t said anything even though I’ve been DELIBERATELY DRIVING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION?!

PASSENGER

Well it could be that I was just lost in thought and not paying attention to our surroundings, or like many non-drivers I might simply not know the streets very well, so really this isn’t very suspicious at all BUT FUCK IT

He tries to STAB the guy who is DRIVING THE CAR in which he is CURRENTLY SITTING.

PASSENGER

Note that a busy airport drop-off point is a terrible place to commit a murder, which means that THIS must have been my plan the whole time. Could’ve shot Denzel the minute he pulled up at our pre-arranged meeting point, but nope, mid-drive stabbing was always the idea. I fucking suck.

DENZEL kills the guy in a CAR FIGHT which seems to have been imported from a substantially more awesome movie.

INT. PEDRO’S HOUSE

DENZEL goes to meet with PEDRO.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I figured it out, Pedro! I figured out that the person who tried to have me murdered was the only person in the entire world who knew I was alive and investigating these murders!

PEDRO PASCAL

Curse your fiendish deductions! You’re right, me and my team were hired to off that Belgian dude. We became assassins because after your fake death our entire unit got shut down, because apparently you’re so gosh-golly amazing that the bosses thought a team without you in it had no point existing. We were cut loose to fend for ourselves, since the department had no use for us any more!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

But... yes they did? I mean, you still work for them. You were right there working with Melissa at the beginning of the movie, remember?

PEDRO PASCAL

Yeah but... I... huh, that really makes no fucking sense, does it? Oh well, you might as well come meet the other assassins, who all just happen to be standing outside my house right now.

He takes DENZEL outside to meet JONATHAN SCARFE, KAZY TAUGINAS, and GARRETT GOLDEN.

PEDRO PASCAL

Hey guys! This unstoppable assassin here realized I was involved in the murder of his mentor, so I thought I’d willingly volunteer the information that you were also involved.

JONATHAN SCARFE

WELL THANK YOU A WHOLE FUCKING BUNCH FOR THAT.

DENZEL goes on the lam.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Okay, those guys are gonna want to destroy me now so I better cover my ass. I cleared out of my apartment, stashed Bill somewhere safe, canceled my housepainter slash wayward youth I’ve semi-adopted OH FUCK I FORGOT TO CANCEL THE HOUSEPAINTER SLASH WAYWARD YOUTH.

(calls his apartment)

Hey there Ashton! There’s no, like, assassins trying to infiltrate my place, are there?

ASHTON HOLMES

There are indeed several assassins about to burst in here. How exactly were these guys able to find you so quickly when you’re a super-elite spy who dropped off the grid years ago?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I guess it was probably on account of my continuing to use my real name like a fucking idiot. Quickly, before they get inside, you better get into my hidden panic room!

ASHTON HOLMES

(entering panic room)

Oh neat! And this thing can be securely locked from the inside and has reinforced bullet-proof plating, I’m guessing?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Actually the only thing between you and the assassins is a single pane of glass, so I’d try to keep quiet if I were you.

ASHTON HOLMES

KEEP QUIET, YOU SAY?! I DUNNO MAN I’M REAL SCARED SO IT’S HARD TO KEEP QUIET, I MEAN PEDRO IS LOOKING RIGHT INTO THE ONE-WAY MIRROR, HE’S LOOKING AT IT SUSPICIOUSLY AS ONE MIGHT DO IF THERE WAS A VOICE COMING OUT OF THE WALL, WHAT DO I DOOOOOO, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH NONSTOP TALKING

Exasperated, DENZEL calls PEDRO.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Hi Pedro, what are you doing in my apartment? As you can tell from this phone call I’m not there, so clearly there’s nobody and nothing there worth your while. You should follow my instructions and immediately stop looking around my apartment OKAY?!?

PEDRO PASCAL

Eh, sure. Let’s go boys.

(leaves)

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Phew! All right Ashton you’re free to go immediately, don’t even wait a few minutes to make sure you’re in the clear.

ASHTON HOLMES

Awesome!

(instantly captured)

PEDRO PASCAL

Sweet, we’ve got a hostage! And what’s more, I know exactly where Denzel’s going to be. Surely he’s staying at his old house from before he faked his death!

KAZY TAUGINAS

So after abandoning his home to make sure we couldn’t track him down, he’s going to go straight to his other home where we could easily track him down?

PEDRO PASCAL

It’s not a logical move I admit, but there’s a hurricane brewing at that location and that just screams “climactic showdown” to me. Let’s go!

EXT. HURRICANE TOWN

Arriving at DENZEL’S OLD TOWN in the midst of a HURRICANE, PEDRO gets into a SNIPER’S NEST while JONATHAN, KAZY and GARRETT stalk the streets hunting for DENZEL.

JONATHAN SCARFE

All right, the four of us should have no trouble taking Denzel down, I mean he’s only on his home turf having had like ten hours to lay preparations for-

(harpooned)

KAZY TAUGINAS

Ohhh, that’s right, Denzel’s been playing both these movies in God Mode and wins everything so easily that he can actually afford to disregard guns and take us out with creative murders, don’t know why we thought we ever stood a chance against-

(sliced in half)

GARRETT GOLDEN

I mean you’d think now that we’re in the climax they’d want to make things at least a little bit difficult for him, but apparently-

(erased from history)

PEDRO PASCAL

But wait, Denzel, you can’t get me because we have Ashton! Could have brought that up before you killed the other guys I suppose. He’s tied up in the trunk of that car over there!

(pause)

And now I will kill him, thus destroying any leverage he gave me and giving you additional motivation to kill me, which defeats the entire purpose of kidnapping him in the first place!

PEDRO fires a SNIPER BULLET at ASHTON. But a split second before he pulls the trigger, DENZEL shoots out the TIRES of the CAR so that it SINKS A COUPLE OF INCHES, thus forcing PEDRO to MISS!

PEDRO PASCAL

Shit! You have permanently saved Ashton from me, Denzel! If only I could adjust my aim slightly and then still kill him, but no, I am thwarted forever, CURSE YOOOUUUU!!

DENZEL then scales the WATER TOWER where PEDRO is hiding out.

PEDRO PASCAL

Fine then, let’s do this! Yes you’ve been able to pretty much make every other bad guy’s heart explode by snapping your fingers, but this is the final showdown with your nemesis, so surely this time-

(punched)

(stabbed)

(punched)

(stabbed)

(punched)

(stabbed)

(piano dropped on him)

(heart cut out)

(sucked into jet engine)

(melted by Ark of the Covenant)

Goddamnit.

DENZEL then goes and frees ASHTON.

ASHTON HOLMES

Nice work, Denzel! Now I guess like last time you’ll just be finishing up with a quick disconnected sequence where you take out the REAL bad guy, then we’re done.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

The who now?

ASHTON HOLMES

You know, the shadowy figure who hired Pedro and his cronies? The guy who ordered the death of that Belgian politician and his wife? Pedro was basically that guy’s henchman, after all.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Ugh, I forgot all about that. You know what, let’s just stop here, I’m bored enough as it is.

ASHTON HOLMES

But you know the truth about the assassination! Obviously this guy is going to want to have you silenced, we can’t just finish the movie without resolving such a massive

END.