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TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: MUTANT MAYHEM

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. DR BAXTER'S LAB OR A DARK HOSTEL. IT'S HARD TO TELL WITH THE LIGHTING

CGI GIANCARLO ESPOSITO is making mutagenic creatures in his lab. JACKBOOTED CORPORATE GUARDS of TCRI storm the place with CGI MAYA RUDOLPH. They shoot PG kill lasers at GIANCARLO ESPOSITO.

CGI MAYA RUDOLPH

Blast this place up, men. Only one bad guy corporate lab per movie. This is a violation.

CGI GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

Oh no, my mutagenic ooze, commonly known as Nickelodeon Gak, fell down that sewer vent. I really hope four infant turtles and their surrogate rat dad are not directly underneath.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. SEWER WHERE POVERTY STRICKEN OUTCASTS CAN AFFORD VERY NICE THINGS

The NINJA TURTLES that don't look like live-action steroidal turd blobs are being ACTUAL TEENAGERS. Somewhere MICHAEL BAY is crying.

CGI MICAH ABBEY

(swinging bo-staff)

Welcome to the Turtle Lair, a place where my brothers and I can PARTY. You will notice that we love to...

CGI SHAMON BROWN JR.

(flinging nunchuks)

Talk over each other. 90% of our dialogue will be side...

CGI NICOLAS CANTU

(slashing swords)

Comments spoken under our breath. And even though it sounds ridiculous, everyone will say that it is...

CGI BRADY NOON

(punching a badger)

Charming as all get out. Don't be confused, though. None of us have terribly discernible personalities. We are all funny party dudes that know moderate amounts of karate. Just like how Seth Rogen sees himself in the mirror every morning.

CGI JACKIE CHAN

I hate the outside world! I am an agoraphobic shut-in rat and I want you kids to take after me! But I also have a ninja mission for you. Get me my groceries without drawing attention from the public or getting into trouble with the law. Here's a list of three grocery stores and warehouses I need you to break into.

(pauses)

Don't forget everything I taught you about justice and harmony.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROOFTOPS WHERE NO ONE FROM NEW YORK LOOKS UP

The NINJA TURTLES just finished getting groceries with their NINJA SKILLS.

CGI MICAH ABBEY

(swinging bo-staff)

What's dad's deal? It's like he won't...

CGI SHAMON BROWN JR.

(flinging nunchuks)

Let us be Nickelodeon brand teenagers that go to high school. Normal kids love going to school. It's like...

CGI NICOLAS CANTU

(slashing swords)

Dad is angry that his real comic book backstory as the totally BA Hamato Yoshi, a vengeance-driven pet rat from Japan looking to avenge his master's death by teaching mutated turtles an ancient Japanese fighting technique, got downgraded to a rat with Woody Allen level anxieties. But we still got...

CGI BRADY NOON

(stomping on a puppy)

Amazing Rotten Tomatoes scores because as long as we keep talking at a million miles per second, people will mistake that for charming humor.

THE TURTLES see CGI AYO EDEBIRI being robbed on her scooter and perform THEIR FIRST FIGHT SCENE.

CGI AYO EDEBIRI

(wields a camera)

Eeeekkk...monstrous freaks that are abominations to God's natural order!!!!

CGI NICOLAS CANTU

(slashing a sword)

Eeeekkkk...the first female we have ever seen!!!!

CGI AYO EDEBIRI

(wields a camera)

You know what? I shouldn't judge. I know what it's like to be a social outcast in the hierarchy of society. As a diverse woman with realistic body proportions, I should recognize that we all have dreams that we need to fulfill.

(puts down Barbie script)

I can now intimately share that I tried to be a high school news reporter, but I blew chunks all over the desk, thus satisfying the one bodily gross out joke that Nickelodeon is required at gunpoint to make.

CGI MICAH ABBEY

(swinging his bo-staff)

Well...I guess we have no reason to bump into each other again. What is the likelihood that...

CGI NICOLAS CANTU

(slashing swords)

We see you again?

(finishes all 8 stages of puberty)

CGI BRADY NOON

(sending stepdad hate mail)

Unless... you have some unsolved mystery that you are dying to solve and you need a few ostracized desecrations against the order of mankind to do semi-professional karate on.

CGI AYO EDEBIRI

(wields a camera)

As a matter of fact...

CUT TO:

The FIRST FIGHT SCENE COLLAGE where the NINJA TURTLES start beating up thugs in seedy clubs and warehouses.

CGI MICAH ABBEY

(disabling kneecaps with bo-staff)

It's amazing that fifty hours of YouTube instructions and a few yoga tapes can make us able to contend with gang leaders who have been killing people all their life. But it's more impressive that...

CGI SHAMOND BROWN JR.

(causing multiple nunchuk concussions)

The studio used the song "No Diggity" from Blackstreet as our fight collage song. I know this is a more street saavy, hip hop brand of Ninja Turtles, but did he have to pick the song where the members of Blackstreet are singing about the joys of casual sex?

CGI NICOLAS CANTU

(beheading a thug without honor)

If only there was a rap group that dedicated their life to old karate films...but since there isn't, Blackstreet's sexcapades is the next best thing.

CGI BRADY NOON

(wrapping the intestines of an innocent man around a pole)

Well if Seth Rogen, the whitest Canadian in history, can't correctly nail down hip hop culture, what hope does anyone else have?

FADE OUT:

EXT. JUNK YARD, BUT WHO CAN TELL BECAUSE EVERY SETTING IN THIS MOVIE IS DARKNESS AND BLUE STRUCTURES

AYO EDIBIRI reveals to THE NINJA TURTLES CGI ICE CUBE, an evil mastermind who steals money and lab equipment using the mighty powers of an insect.

CGI AYO EDEBIRI

(wields a camera)

I uncovered a genocidal plot in New York City from the 15th most popular villain in the series. He hired every main villain from the toy line, the Genesis, Nintendo, and the arcade games. Even the electrified seaweed from the NES is here.

CGI MICAH ABBEY

(swinging his bo-staff)

Will we have time to appreciate their unique personalities and backstories?

CGI AYO EDEBIRI

(yells)

Hey minor villains! Introduce yourselves!

CGI ROCK CENA & BEBOP ROGEN & WINGNUT DEMETRIOU & ROSE BYRNELEATHER & MONDO RUDD & POST FILLET & HANNIBAL FROGESS

(in unison)

We are farty and slimey goofballs with gross pee jokes and one-liners!

CGI NICOLAS CANTU

(slashing a sword)

That works.

CGI ICE CUBE

(disgusts God)

Yo, yo, yo tweenage absurdity martial artist koopas. I am the street wise baddie trying to avenge an organization that harmed me. The only way to make amends for society outcasting us is to build a mutation machine that will kill every human in this city.

CGI BRADY NOON

(internet bullying)

That makes sense because it is a metaphor for how people of minority and unique differences are shut out.

(Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen, and John Cena quietly leave the conversation)

CGI ICE CUBE

(hated by all that is beautiful)

Ding, ding, ding. You are a winner my adolescent genetically altered samurai amphibians. Now excuse me while I set up a machine that will kill every race, creed, and religion.

CUT TO:

INT. NOT QUITE THE TECHNODROME BUT MAYBE A TOY PLAYSET A KID WOULD WANT

CGI MAYA RUDOLPH has the turtles captured and is zapping them with a VERY SLOW DEATH RAY.

CGI SHAMOAN BROWN JR.

(not swinging nunchuks)

This machine is killing us in very clean PG ways.

CGI BRADY NOON

(dreaming of violence)

Could be worse. Vanilla Ice performed at the last TCRI event.

CGI MAYA RUDOLPH

(winking)

I call this contraption my SHREDDER.

(winking)

My SHREDDER will destroy you, but it will unlock the power of the ooze that transformed you.

CGI NICOLAS CANTU

(thinking about slashing his sword)

This chick is as evil as a make your own slime TikTok trend.

CGI JACKIE CHAN busts into the heavily armored lair and saves the turtles. CGI JACKIE CHAN does all his own (voice) stunts.

CGI JACKIE CHAN

I am sorry for raising you boys up with the belief that New York City is full of hateful people that will destroy anything that looks different.

(sheds tear)

It's plain to see from all the thugs that have shot at you and the corporations that are trying to murder you that maybe there is kindness in people.

CUT TO:

INT. MORE DARK AND GRAY LAB PLACES THAT ARE HARD TO MAKE OUT

CGI ICE CUBE falls into the GREEN PIT OF MUTANT GOO and dies instantly from chemical exposure...just kidding! He bonds with EVERY ZOO ANIMAL and becomes CGI ICE CUBE KAIJU.

CUT TO:

EXT. TIMES SQUARE WITH ACTUAL BRIGHT COLORS. GOD FORBID!!!

CGI MICAH ABBEY

(swings bo-staff)

The only way to beat Kaiju Cube is to work together. The trick is to use...

CGI SHAMOAN BROWN JR.

(flinging nunchuks)

This leftover mutagenic material to unmutate him. But we need to rely on our tactical...

CGI NICOLAS CANTU

(slashing sword)

Leader. And since I haven't been one this whole movie, I am not going to start now. I am basically Cyclops of the X-Men.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. NEWS STUDIO WITH GOOD LIGHTNING? WTF??

The NEWS CREW are bad mouthing the turtles for being different and ugly. FOX NEWS considers buying out the anchor.

CGI AYO EDEBIRI

(wields camera)

Now it's time to redeem my character arc by giving the perfect news report without puking.

(pukes all over the desk)

Nickelodeon does not understand how redemption arcs work.

BACK TO TIMES SQUARE:

After a lot of CITY DESTRUCTION, THE NINJA TURTLES drop the MUTAGENIC MCGUFFIN into ICE CUBE KAIJU's gas hole (snicker, snicker, snicker).

CGI BRADY NOON

(berating a fat girl)

We did it! We unmutated him! All it took was unity from the world and the mutant community. In your face Professor X.

CGI MICAH ABBEY

(swings bo-staff)

Now we can be accepted into society as heroes. Ya know, it's kind of easy to take a beloved franchise and make it profitable and fun.

CGI DC UNIVERSE

Screw you guys!

CGI SHAMOAN BROWN JR.

(flinging nunchuks)

We should be proud that we are the second best Summer comic book animated feature with a mostly diverse cast and also the second best Summer drama to talk about the dangers of radioactive weapons.

CGI NICOLAS CANTU

(slashing sword)

99.9999% of our villain base was defeated. Rat King is going to have to do one helluva job to carry this franchise.

CGI SHREDDER

Aren't you forgetting someone? Another beloved character with a backstory that betrays the comic canon.

CGI SETH ROGEN

(hyper ventilates uncontrallably, builds geek cocoon and lives in it till the sequel is made)

END

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