FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANSOKYO, NO SERIOUSLY, SAN FRANCISCO AND TOKYO HAD A BABY FOR SOME REASON

We pan over the beautiful, multi-cultural utopia that is SAN FRANSOKYO, which looks like SAN FRANCISCO except all the ROOFS are POINTY and the streets are actually CLEAN. CLEAN and SHINY, like ASIAN BOX OFFICE MONEY.

We then find CGI RYAN POTTER, a 14-year old SUPERGENIUS, competing in a BACK-ALLEY ROBOT DEATHMATCH.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Oh crap, did I accidentally walk into Real Steel 2? The trailer didn't tell me shit about this movie.

SUMO GUY

Pfft, YOU want to compete in this illegal robot fighting ring? Bullshit.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Totally! I brought money and an unassuming little magnetic robot that totally won't beat your buzzsaw-wielding hulkmonster, no way sir!

SUMO GUY

And what's to stop me from just beating you up, taking your money, and crushing your robot under my meaty thunder thighs? I seem pretty shitty, that's reasonably within the spectrum of things I would do.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Come on, you can totally trounce me! No hustle here, no sir! It's not like I'm a protagonist or anything.

SUMO GUY

Your name is Hiro.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Wow, really? I wonder if Neal Stephenson is gonna sue.

SUMO GUY

Impressive hard sci-fi savvy, but it won't save you here.

But it DOES. RYAN's magnet-bot kicks SUMO GUY'S ROBOT'S ASS.

SUMO GUY

And now I shall beat you up and take your money.

CGI RYAN POTTER

I'm the lovechild of Albert Einstein and Tony Stark and I did not see this coming.

But he is RESCUED by his BROTHER, CGI DANIEL HENNEY, on his EXPOSITION-MOBILE. A thrilling SCOOTER CHASE ensues.

CGI DANIEL HENNEY

Seriously, Ryan, what the actual fuck?

CGI RYAN POTTER

What? I won money!

CGI DANIEL HENNEY

Because illegal underground robo-boxing is totally the only way a world-class hypergenius who can build jetpacks in his garage can make money. You're Syndrome from the Incredibles except not stupidly evil. I'm sure there's a few positions in tech support you could snag.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Yeah, well, I've got unresolved anger issues since our parents came down with a bad case of Bambi's Mom Disorder.

CGI DANIEL HENNEY

I seem to be doing just fine.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Cut me some slack, I'm a fourteen-year old anime prettyboy, it's not like I know any better.

CGI DANIEL HENNEY

Yeah, you might regret that prettyboyishness in a minute.

They both get ARRESTED and thrown in the LOCKUP for the night. Neither get ASSAULTED by MURDERERS so, yay! Later, they are picked up by their aunt, CGI MAYA RUDOLPH.

CGI MAYA RUDOLPH

Holy Christ, you little shitheads. I'm a fucking MOTHER FIGURE in a DISNEY movie! I am a goddam REDSHIRT in this universe! I run a bakery all on my lonesome while also raising two Stephen Hawkings and dodging Disney Parental Figure Death on a daily basis! I am pissing stress hormones, I do NOT need this kind of aggravation.

CGI RYAN POTTER

We're sorry, bizarrely Caucasian relative. I just wanted to prove that I was better than a bunch of alley-dwellers and their shitty knockoff BattleBots.

CGI DANIEL HENNEY

You should go to college with me! You'll fit right in! You're obviously smart enough.

CGI RYAN POTTER

That's really not the only thing that should factor into an underage child's decision to go to college early.

CGI DANIEL HENNEY

Fuck it, everyone at my school is mentally a twelve-year old anyway. You're actually ahead of the curve.

INT. AWESOMEST COLLEGE IN THE WORLD

RYAN and DANIEL visit the ROBOTICS DIVISION at DANIEL's school. They are surrounded by ROBOTS of every size, shape, and description.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Ho. Ly. Shit. This is the best place ever. College is awesome!

CGI DANIEL HENNEY

Sure is, Ryan! If you don't mind crippling debt, rampant sexual assault, underpaid and under-qualified faculty, and a shitty job market to graduate into. But yeah, in Disney-land, college is a fucking theme park ride. Anyway, here are my buddies.

CGI DAMON WAYANS, JR

Hey, I'm a cowardly neat freak!

CGI T.J. MILLER

I'm a slacker stoner type who just sort of chills out in the robotics department.

CGI JAMIE CHUNG

I'm a bitch.

CGI GENESIS RODRIGUEZ

And I'm just Daphne from Scooby Doo. Ooh, a distraction!

CGI RYAN POTTER

Wow, what a colorful gaggle of misfits. And so accepting, too. It's not like real college students are self-absorbed cunts, after all.

CGI DANIEL HENNEY

Alright, that's enough characterization for one movie. Now, let's get to the fucking robot from the trailer already.

DANIEL shows RYAN the special project he's been a working on, an inflatable CGI SCOTT ADSIT a.k.a. BAYMAX.

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

Greetings, human. I will be your non-human comic relief for the rest of this Disney film. You might remember me as the only thing any of the marketing for this movie will focus on.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Aww, that's adorable. But what possible function could a balloon version of Strong Sad serve?

CGI DANIEL HENNEY

Apart from determining what every parent in the audience is going to be scrambling to buy their whiny children for Christmas, this guy right here is a medical robot capable of advanced scans and warm hugs. Also he can bench press a Buick.

CGI RYAN POTTER

(sighing)

Why does every domestic movie robot have to have superstrength? Data from Star Trek, the Haley Joel Osment-bot from A.I., all the robots from I,Robot. The list goes on. It always leads to wacky mishaps or life-threatening scenarios. There's a reason we don't put monster truck engines in Roombas.

CGI DANIEL HENNEY

Alright fine, smartass. You got a better idea, you make one.

CGI RYAN POTTER

I will!

RYAN goes home and starts INVENTING.

INT. ROBOT CONVENTION

To get into college, RYAN must deliver a flawless presentation where he explains the power of MICROBOTS to the world.

CGI RYAN POTTER

So, I spent about twelve hours in my garage creating this swarm of intelligent microbots that can fly and interconnect in intricate patterns to do basically anything I can imagine. As long as you're wearing this head band, you have unlimited control of a massive blob of fluid death. I'm certain there are no villainous applications for this technology at all.

The crowd CHEERS.

CGI ALAN TUDYK

Well done, Ryan. I'm the CEO of Red Herringcorp, a division of Extremely Villainous Industries Ltd., and I'd love to buy your invention for totally non-evil reasons.

CGI JAMES CROMWELL

Belay that, young whippersnapper. I'm a homely grandfather-type who doesn't want your invention to get chewed up and spat out by corporate America.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Sorry, Alan, but since you screwed things up in both Wreck-It Ralph and Frozen, I'm gonna stick with James and go to school.

CGI ALAN TUDYK

Okay, fine, I'll just snatch you up in an unpaid internship the moment they hand you your first student loan bill upon graduation. YOU'LL have to pay to work for ME! Corporate America always wins!!

(cackles, lights cigar with somebody's liberal arts degree)

RYAN and DANIEL step outside for their totally-not-a-setup-for-tragedy brotherly moment.

CGI DANIEL HENNEY

Listen, Ryan. Always be good, never be bad, great power, great responsibility, you're the hero Gotham deserves, you will help them accomplish wonders, in brightest day or blackest night, shazam, excelsior, and other such moralistic comic book nonsense. Now it's time for me to go die in a fire. Bye!

Yep, there's a FIRE. DANIEL runs in to try to save JAMES CROMWELL, and they both totally DIE.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Jesus Christ, Disney! I already had my tragic Simba moment! Fuck!

INT. HOME

A despondent RYAN discovers DANIEL'S MARSHMALLOW-BOT is still in his room.

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

Greetings, human. You appear to be emotionally distressed, having lost your brother in a gruesome accident and your parents in an unspecified but nonetheless incredibly traumatic separate incident. Would you like some candy?

CGI RYAN POTTER

Actually I want to know what my final microbot is freaking out about.

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

I will accompany you on this mystery.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Alright, balloon man. Let's just hope we don't encounter any needles, broken glass, pine trees, sharp rocks, or anything else with an edge on the way.

They head down to an old abandoned WAREHOUSE and discover millions and millions of MICROBOTS. Suddenly, they are chased off by a SPOOKY MAN IN A MASK.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Zoinks!

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

Ruh-roh!

INT. MANSION

RYAN assembles his COLLEGE BUDDIES at the MANSION T.J. totally has.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Okay, now it's time for us to acknowledge out loud how cliche this storyline is.

CGI T.J. MILLER

As the least intelligent but nerdiest among you, I shall accept this duty. I'm positive Alan Tudyk started the fire to cover his tracks to steal Ryan's microbots. He's now controlling them with the neurotransmitter in that Kabuki mask. I'm positive of this because the industrialist is always the villain. Yes, that's right. When we admit we're just ticking off a checklist of tropes, it suddenly becomes clever again!

CGI DAMON WAYANS, JR

And the only other candidate for the villain is James Cromwell, who's totally, completely, utterly dead yes sir no way it could be him.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Alright, obviously the logical conclusion here is to turn all of you twenty-year old undergrads into superheros using the robotics technology you all whipped together in college. Damon, you get laser sword arms. Jamie, you're Tron. T.J., I don't know why the fuck we're bringing you along, but as long as you're here you can have a kaiju suit that breaths fire. And Genesis, you can have a goddam handbag with glue grenades inside it.

CGI GENESIS RODRIGUEZ

Aww, cute!

CGI RYAN POTTER

And I shall also upgrade the ScottBot with battle armor, an advanced scanner, and wings so I can fly on his back.

CGI DAMON WAYANS, JR

Okay, and what's your power?

CGI RYAN POTTER

Uh, what?

CGI JAMIE CHUNG

Yeah, why the heck are you coming along? I mean, a bunch of twenty year olds up against Kabukiman's swarm of death is bad enough, but you're a grief-stricken tween. You're a danger to us all.

CGI T.J. MILLER

And you could probably just rig up Scott with a remote control so you can pilot him remotely, like you were doing with your pit fighting robot at the beginning of the movie.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Fuck all that, I want to see Alan suffer in person.

The team tracks KABUKIFACE to some ISLAND. The find an UNDERGROUND BUNKER with some SCIENCE in it.

CGI JAMIE CHUNG

Aw, shit, is this HYDRA? Are we about to find Toby Jones on a computer?

CGI RYAN POTTER

Not quite. Just this video depicting a teleportation experiment gone wrong. Oh look, Alan gave the go ahead even though it wasn't ready. Oh, and James Cromwell was here too, because his daughter was the test subject and she was beamed into oblivion, giving him motive against Alan. Oh, and also, Kabukiman is here. Shit.

Mr. Kabuki ATTACKS. The TEAM springs into action, and promptly DEFEAT THEMSELVES.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Damn, we suck. Well, at least we knocked his mask off.

CGI JAMES CROMWELL

Sup.

CGI RYAN POTTER

I am the grandchild of Nikola Tesla and Marie Curie and I did not see this coming. Scott, KILL!

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

I'm sorry, Ryan, I'm afraid I can't do that.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Huh, a movie robot that DOESN'T want to destroy humanity. I can fix that!

RYAN yanks out SCOTT's NICENESS MICROCHIP, leaving only the EVIL KILLER ONE. SCOTT tries to go TERMINATOR on JAMES'S ASS, but the TEAM stops him and puts the NICE CHIP back in. JAMES escapes.

CGI RYAN POTTER

What the hell guys?! James escaped and he still has the mask and microbot swarm!

CGI JAMIE CHUNG

We realize that we just allowed a psychopath with unfathomable technological abilities escape, but we did NOT think you were going to KILL him!

CGI DAMON WAYANS, JR

We didn't sign up for this!

CGI GENESIS RODRIGUEZ

Ooh, a bird!

CGI RYAN POTTER

Fuck you guys, I'm going to go destroy him on my own.

INT. GARAGE

Back at the super-secret hideout that is his AUNT'S GARAGE, RYAN tries to upgrade SCOTT to be more murdery.

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

Ryan, why do you wish to make me a murderer?

CGI RYAN POTTER

Because there's a much worse murderer out there right now and I need you to murder him.

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

That is morally wrong.

CGI RYAN POTTER

No, it really isn't. This guy could easily kill hundreds or thousands of people. He already tried to murder some college students by chucking cars at them in a public street. There's no telling what he'll do after he gets revenge on Alan. Do you really think Batman is a more moral human being because he thinks keeping the Joker alive is more important than stopping the Joker forever?

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

Killing is wrong.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Usually, yes, but this guy has the power of a God and the emotional stability of Daffy Duck. We should've set Seal Team Six on his ass yesterday.

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

Your brother wouldn't have wanted you to use me for killing.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Oh, shit, he's not going to appear in the clouds, is he? Ugh, fine, I won't use you to kill James. Instead I'll just upgrade you with a library of deadly martial arts skills and a totally nonlethal rocket punch attack. Now let's get to the boss battle.

EXT. RED HERRINGCORP, A DIVISION OF EXTREMELY VILLAINOUS INDUSTRIES LTD., A SUBSIDIARY OF COMCAST

ALAN is delivering a speech to a crowd when JAMES and his DEATH SWARM appear.

CGI JAMES CROMWELL

Hey, King Candy, remember me? And that teleportation experiment that you used to delete my daughter from reality? Well I'm going to make a new teleporter above your corporate headquarters right here to suck up everything you love. And then you.

CGI ALAN TUDYK

I'm about to be a leaf on the wind, aren't I?

CGI JAMES CROMWELL

That'll do, Alan. That'll do.

But the TEAM appears and begins FIGHTING JAMES. But then they start LOSING.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Wow, we really suck at this. Guess it's time for a heroic speech. Okay guys, uh, try NOT sucking at everything.

TEAM

Okay!

They start WINNING.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Well that solves that, I guess.

JAMES is DEFEATED! But the PORTAL is still sucking up everything!

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

Ryan, I am detecting James's daughter is still alive inside the portal.

CGI RYAN POTTER

There's no time to lose! Onward, ScottBot! To the Animation Demo Reel Dimension!

They fly into the PORTAL and pop out in a universe created entirely out of COTTON CANDY.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Oh shit, did we accidentally hop over into Wreck-It Ralph? Oh well, there's James's daughter's pod. Let's push her back through the portal before it closes.

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

I'm sorry, Ryan. I don't have enough thrust to get us all home. I'll have to rocket punch you two to safety, you'll have to go on without me.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Oh for fuck's sake, first my parents, then my brother, now my best robo-buddy? This is some Red Wedding shit right here. Being my loved one is a goddam health hazard.

CGI SCOTT ADSIT

Ryan. I go. You stay. No following.

CGI RYAN POTTER

Whatever, Groot. Let's just get this Disney Death over with.

SCOTT launches RYAN and the POD back into our REALITY. JAMES is arrested, his DAUGHTER wakes up just fine, and the TEAM emerges TRIUMPHANT! Later, RYAN finds SCOTT's NICENESS MICROCHIP in the ROCKET GLOVE and REBUILDS him! The TEAM flies over the CITY, being all awesome and shit.

CGI RYAN POTTER

We didn't ask to become superheroes, but having barely succeeded in exactly one out of the two conflicts we were involved with, we decided fuck it, let's give it a shot. We might be less emotionally stable than the Avengers, and less effective than the 2005 version of Fantastic Four, and we look like a Jem and the Holograms cosplay group, but hey, Disney wasn't just gonna let the rights sit on the shelf. So fuck it, we are BIG HERO 6!!!

END

STAN LEE

(cameos)

END