FADE IN:

INT. OPENING NARRATION

The origin of the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES is explained via shitty MS PAINT ANIMATION by the turtle’s sensei SPLINTER, who is a GIANT RAT. Who TALKS. And knows NINJUTSU.

LOOK, THIS WAS REAL CUTTING EDGE SHIT BACK IN THE LATE 80s, ALRIGHT? Just GO WITH IT.

SPLINTER (V.O.)

New York is being terrorized by The Foot Clan, so named because they “step over people”, which should technically make them The Step Clan, but it doesn’t because we’re kind of big on making a story about talking ninja animals even more ridiculous than it needs to be.

EXT. NEW YORK (BECAUSE FUCK EVERY OTHER AMERICAN CITY EVER, NEW YORK IS WHERE IT’S ALWAYS GOING TO BE AT)

APRIL O’NEAL is the smart, resourceful, yellow-wearing reporter of legend who is being played by MEGAN FOXAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH OKAY GUYS LET’S GIVE HER A CHANCE.

MEGAN FOX

Dang it, I’m so frustrated because my employers don’t take me seriously and only see me as a pretty face so they put me in lame TMZ-style fluff pieces. My life sucks.

WILL ARNETT

I know, Megan. It must be tough being a beautiful young woman living comfortably in one of the most vibrant cities in the world and getting paid to be on TV once or twice a week. Jesus, get over yourself already. Besides, I thought you and Michael Bay had a falling out after you compared him to a mass murdering dictator. How did you even get this role in the first place?

MEGAN FOX

I made a kick-ass audition tape and got the part based solely on my talent as an amazing actress.

(pause)

HA! No seriously, Bay’s just a dumbass. Now I hear The Foot Clan is going to attack the docks so I had better show up there alone and without any video recording devices aside from my phone which has a telephoto lens and 100x optical zoom.

MEGAN witnesses THE FOOT CLAN trying to STEAL SHIT and getting their asses kicked by obviously NON-HUMAN MONSTER CREATURES.

MEGAN FOX

I had better go tell my roommate about this! But not the police, because fuck those assholes.

INT. THE DAILY PLANET BUGLE GLOBE SENTINEL NEWSPAPER

MEGAN meets with her sassy boss, WHOOPI GOLDBERG.

MEGAN FOX

Whoopi! There’s a gang of deformed monsters fighting The Foot Clan!

WHOOPI GOLDBERG

Well I’m completely convinced. Let’s run this through editorial and get it on the five o’clock news.

MEGAN FOX

Really?

WHOOPI GOLDBERG

Fuck no. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my damn life. There’s a reason we don’t give you important stories, Megan. It’s because you’re an idiot. Now get out of my face.

MEGAN FOX

Damn! I need to get some proof! But what are the odds I’ll happen upon another Foot Clan attack within the next 5 seconds? I mean that would be stupidly conveni

FOOT CLAN

Here we are!

The FOOT CLAN are holding hostages in the subway so MEGAN willingly decides to make herself ONE OF THOSE HOSTAGES because she possesses the survival instincts of a GOLDFISH.

MINAE NOJI

I’m the only Clansperson who isn’t wearing a cheap stocking mask so I guess I’m in charge.

MEGAN FOX

(filming her)

Would you mind saying that directly into my Smart Phone? I want to make sure I get a good picture of you to show the cops who are all taking their lunch breaks at this exact minute.

MINAE NOJI

Sure thing Megan! Now, our plan is to use these hostages to lure the shadowy vigilantes who kicked our asses into a trap!

The VIGILANTES show up and kicks the FOOT CLAN’S ASS with its own FOOT.

MINAE NOJI

Oh goddamnit! The Foot Clan needs to improve its admission standards to something other than “completely fucking useless”.

(escapes)

The rest of the FOOT SOLDIERS are tied up but somehow no one is able to see that the VIGILANTES are 7 FEET TALL and have GREEN SKIN.

MEGAN follows them up to a ROOFTOP because seriously, GOLDFISH BRAIN.

MEGAN FOX

My God! Who are you monstrous greasy burn victims?

LEONARDO

We’re turtles, allegedly. I’m Leonardo, the grim and humorless leader.

RAPHAEL

I’m Raphael, the pompous asshole.

DONATELLO

I’m Donatello. I wear glasses and do tech bullshit, so nerd.

MICHELANGELO

And I’m Michelangelo, the goofy comic relief who will be constantly trying to fuck Megan for the entire movie.

MEGAN FOX

Waaaaait a minute, you guys have the exact same names as the pet turtles I had as a kid which my scientist dad did cruel experiments on right before he was killed in a lab fire! I must go tell my boss Whoopi without a shred of proof! Again!

WHOOPI GOLDBERG

Bitch you crazy.

MEGAN FOX

Alright that didn’t work. Maybe I should go talk to my dad’s old partner, William Fichtner, who I’m sure is not the evil mastermind behind all this.

EXT. WINTERFELL

MEGAN travels to the NORTH POLE to visit millionaire businessman WILLIAM FICHTNER, who is CLEARLY FUCKING EVIL AS HELL. I mean just LOOK AT HIM.

WILLIAM FICHTNER

Giant mutant ninja turtle teenagers, you say? No, that doesn’t sound ridiculous at all when you say it out loud. Your father and I tried to create a mutagen that is basically Wolverine’s healing power and tested it on turtles.

MEGAN FOX

Wait, why is your mouth not matching some of your words? And why are you off-screen for half of this exposition?

WILLIAM FICHTNER

Because I was originally supposed to be Shredder, but the Internet convinced the studio what a horrible fucking turd of an idea that was so we had to reshoot most of my scenes, but none of the other batshit stupid scenes, which is all of the other scenes. Now take this tracking device business card for when the next plot convenience kicks in.

WILLIAM meets with his master, SOME RANDOM JAPANESE GUY SHREDDER.

SHREDDER

Greetings, William. I’m so glad you turned the dimmer switches down to one hair above total darkness, I do so hate standing in well-lit rooms.

WILLIAM FICHTNER

Yes, master. You keep talking to me in Japanese, because if there’s one thing kids love more than generic villains it’s reading subtitles.

SHREDDER

Now I’m going to go try on my new battle armor, which is made entirely out of Ginsu knives.

INT. THE SEWER

The TURTLES are being forced to BALANCE on shit as punishment for SAVING TONS OF LIVES.

Suddenly a DROWNED ZOMBIE RAT appears.

CHILDREN IN THE AUDIENCE

AAAAAHHHH SWEET JESUS KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!

SPLINTER

Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, it’s just me, everybody. Your beloved childhood sensei. Remember?

CHILDREN IN THE AUDIENCE

Yeah, sure, if he looked like a racoon with fetal alcohol syndrome.

SPLINTER

Deal with it. So, my mutant turtle children, give me one good reason why you were all above ground last night.

LEONARDO

Because we were saving lives from the Foot Clan.

SPLINTER

No! Wrong! You must NEVER go above ground for any reason!

RAPHAEL

So I guess all these years of ninja training were just to pass the time?

SPLINTER

Exactly. I mean, no. You’re supposed to save lives. Just not right now. Maybe later.

DONATELLO

Except that later it’s established that we’ve been doing this for weeks or months. Why was last night’s rescue a bad idea but not all the other times?

SPLINTER

Because fuck you, Donnie. Now we need to shoehorn in some product placement, and conveniently your pizza obsession dovetails nicely with our merchandising deal with Pizza Hut. Hear that, kids? Just $7.99 for a large pizza with two toppings. Tell your parents!

They DO!

THE TURTLES introduce MEGAN to SPLINTER, who is surprisingly NOT horrified by the giant rat creature in front of her.

SPLINTER

Ah, Megan, I remember how you looked after us in your father’s lab... and saved us from his wrath when he tried to murder us all.

MEGAN FOX

Wait, what?

SPLINTER

Yeah, that happened. He found out William was evil and then tried to destroy all the research with fire which included us, but somehow neglected to make sure you were safely away first so he probably tried to kill you too.

MEGAN FOX

And that’s when I rescued you while somehow overlooking my father’s dead body?

SPLINTER

Exactly. You graciously rescued me and the turtles... by dropping our asses in a filthy stinking sewer.

MEGAN FOX

You’re welcome!

SPLINTER

There I developed into this creepy rat monster thing and took care of the infant turtles.

MEGAN FOX

But doesn’t that mean you’re also a teenager?

SPLINTER

Err, no. Rat years work different than turtle or human years. I’m totally old and wise. Anyway, I decided to love and protect my turtle children by isolating them in a dank sewer for their entire lives. Then I taught myself Jujitsu from a book someone flushed down the toilet.

MEGAN FOX

Huh? But how did you guys learn how to talk and read?

SPLINTER

SHUT UP. Then we all learned how to train with these authentic weapons... that were also flushed down the toilet. Then we survived on hot, freshly made pizza pies.

MEGAN FOX

Which were also flushed down the toilet every day for 15 years?

SPLINTER

I SAID SHUT! UP! Oh by the way, if William finds out we’re still alive he and Shredder are going to try and suck the mutagen from our blood so I hope you didn’t tell--

SHREDDER

DING DONG BITCHES!

SHREDDER appears in his ROCK'EM SOCK'EM ROBOT SUIT.

SPLINTER

So you’re an old Japanese guy in a big metal suit who wants the healing properties of the protagonist’s blood? How is 20th Century Fox not suing our pants off right now?

SHREDDER

Well if it’s any consolation we also rip off the climax of Amazing Spider-Man later. Now, let us fight.

(sprouts Wolverine claws)

(then knives on top of his claws)

(then machetes on top of his knives on top of his claws)

SPLINTER

I’m boned.

SHREDDER beats the RAT SHIT out of SPLINTER. The TURTLES rush to help SPLINTER but he blocks their path with a GATE.

LEONARDO

No dad! Let us help you!

DONATELLO

Seriously, you were holding your own just fine a moment ago. With our help you could’ve trounced him.

MICHELANGELO

You could also have used these gates to block the Foot Clan instead of us, I guess.

SHREDDER

Okay turtles, give yourselves up and I won't kill Splinter.

THE TURTLES

Okay we give up.

SHREDDER

Psych!

(punches Splinter real real hard)

Yes! A fatal blow if ever I saw one! Foot Clan! Round up the turtles! Wait, where’s Raphael?

FOOT CLAN

He’s dead.

SHREDDER

Did you actually see his dead body and, like, check his pulse and stuff?

FOOT CLAN

Well, no. I guess he could still be alive. Or at the very least you might still be able to get some mutagen out of his corpse. Want us to go get him?

SHREDDER

Nah, I’m sure three turtles is enough. After all we don’t want to have TOO MUCH mutagen, so let’s also not take Splinter’s body with us. Oh and let’s completely ignore Megan who could implicate us because

(just leaves)

LEONARDO, DONATELLO and MICHELANGELO are captured by the FOOT CLAN who finally decided to bring STUN BATONS which they will LEAVE AT HOME for the rest of the movie.

Meanwhile, MEGAN mourns SPLINTER, who is actually just napping. RAPHAEL has avoided the FOOT CLAN due to being BURIED UNDER TONS OF RUBBLE.

MEGAN FOX

Really? It would be nice to get a real sense of just how powerful you turtles are. I mean earlier you guys were throwing around shipping containers and now you can survive having concrete dropped on your head and later it turns out you’re bulletproof.

RAPHAEL

I know, right? When we punch humans you’d think they would explode into a red mist. Oh well. Let’s go save my brothers now.

WILL ARNETT

And I’ll tag along!

MEGAN FOX

Wow, you’re such a great friend! You’re really going to risk your life to help me? Will?

WILL ARNETT

(too busy staring at Megan’s ass)

MEGAN FOX

Dude, when you were 21 I was 5 years old. Just keep that in mind.

INT. WILLIAM FICHTNER’S EVIL LAIR

LEONARDO, DONATELLO and MICHELANGELO are being held in cages which WILLIAM must have for the rare chance he captured FOUR GIANT TURTLES.

WILLIAM FICHTNER

My evil plan is to infect New York with a deadly virus and then cure them with the mutagen I’m sucking out of your blood, thereby becoming rich! Muhahaha!

LEONARDO

But... aren’t you ALREADY rich?

DONATELLO

Yeah dude, you live in a FREAKING CASTLE with a helipad and you work for a corporation that bankrolled Shredder’s Iron Man suit. You’re not exactly cashing welfare checks here.

WILLIAM FICHTNER

But this is going to make me EVEN MORE rich. Quote, “stupid rich”.

MICHELANGELO

Emphasis on “stupid”. Why not just use the mutagen to cure already existing diseases and charge obscene amounts of money for it? There are literally a million other ways to make money off the mutagen that don’t involve mass murder.

WILLIAM FICHTNER

But what would be the fun in that? Now, let me demonstrate just how evil I am by needlessly infecting one of my loyal minions with this deadly virus just so the audience knows what’s at stake.

LEONARDO

Wait, you’re not even going to cure that guy just to make sure the mutagen works?

WILLIAM FICHTNER

Nah, screw him. Nobody gives a single shit about a faceless henchmen, amirite guys?

All the other FOOT CLANSMEN give each other NERVOUS LOOKS and reconsider their CAREER CHOICES.

WILLIAM sucks the blood out of the TURTLES in order to create the MUTAGEN just as RAPHAEL arrives to fight SHREDDER who’s wearing his ROBOT SUIT.

RAPHAEL

How exactly are you able to move so quickly in that thing? It has to weigh more than a Buick filled with all four Pawn Stars guys.

SHREDDER

Look, don’t ask me how my suit works and I won’t ask you why you turtles have teeth.

RAPHAEL

Fair enough.

They FIGHT! RAPHAEL proves himself to be the best fighter of all by winning OH WAIT NO HE GETS HIS ASS WHOOPED.

Meanwhile MEGAN saves the other TURTLES by giving them a fatal dose of ADRENALINE that somehow reproduces ALL OF THE BLOOD THEY JUST LOST.

MICHELANGELO

Yes! Now, to escape our cages by cartwheeling through them! Because ninjas!

EXT. K2

MEGAN and the TURTLES escape WILLIAM’s evil lair which, it turns out, is situated on top of a FUCKING MOUNTAIN FACE. They fight bad guys all the way down and defeat them with WACKY HIJINKS.

MINAE NOJI

(is brutally murdered)

MEGAN FOX

Oh no! Shredder and William are about to infect New York with the virus! How the hell are we going to get back to the city in time to stop them?!

DONATELLO

By riding this sewage pipe all the way there!

MICHELANGELO

Wait, is that literally how we get back?

DONATELLO

Yes, somehow this pipe is at a perfect 45 degree gradient, fits 4 huge mutant turtles and 2 humans, and goes all the way back to New York despite having huge gaping holes in it.

LEONARDO

Just like this film’s script!

EXT. NEW YORK

SHREDDER is preparing to release the VIRUS from the roof of a SKYSCRAPER owned by WILLIAM.

WILLIAM FICHTNER

He’s WHAT?! Master, are you really about to release a deadly virus from the top of a building with my name on it?

SHREDDER

Oh. Did I not brief you on this part of the plan?

WILLIAM FICHTNER

Well it just seems like a huge conflict of interest in my “get stupid rich” plan given I’ll be the one with the antidote. Isn’t everyone going to blame me for all the mass death we’re about to cause?

SHREDDER

I’m okay with that.

WILLIAM tries to escape with the MUTAGEN but MEGAN and WILL ARNETT try to stop him.

WILLIAM FICHTNER

I have a gun.

MEGAN FOX

And we have... negative guns. Holy shit, you could easily just walk over to this counter we’re hiding behind and shoot us in the face.

WILLIAM FICHTNER

But I’m not because I need to tell you I killed your father.

MEGAN FOX

Why would you suddenly volunteer that information?

WILLIAM FICHTNER

Because I have shit for brains.

WILL ARNETT takes advantage of WILLIAM’S EPIC STUPIDITY and knocks him out while MEGAN goes to help the TURTLES be becoming a LIABILITY.

Meanwhile the TURTLES stop the virus launcher thingy and fight SHREDDER on top of the building.

SHREDDER

I can shoot knives out of my knuckles and I can retrieve them with this magnet that attracts my knives and absolutely NO OTHER metal objects. And my knives fly perfectly into all their correct slots and don’t pile together because magic.

MICHELANGELO

Alright guys, let’s do this! Kowabunga!

(gets ass kicked)

DONATELLO

Aww yeah! My turn!

(gets ass kicked harder)

RAPHAEL

Err, I don’t like the way this is going--

(gets ass kicked even harder)

LEONARDO

Listen to me guys! Now this might sound crazy, but let’s all attack him at the same time! And in SLOW MOTION!

They WIN!

But SHREDDER has knocked over the building’s radio tower! MEGAN and the TURTLES are on the tower as it plummets to the ground.

RAPHAEL

Now I’m going to give a big emotional speech about how I act like an insufferable dickhead because deep down I really love you guys.

LEONARDO

Great, because it’s not like the entire last half of the movie wasn’t already all about you anyway you dipshit.

MICHELANGELO

HEY! I thought we were all falling to our deaths right now!

DONATELLO

Nope, we managed to land this giant metal tower safely on the ground without killing a single person thanks to the power of close-up.

MEGAN FOX

But this is happening in broad daylight, surely SOMEONE filmed this event and saw the four giant monsters hanging off the tower? Or at least recognized me, a known TV personality, and asked me about you guys?

None of THAT SHIT even comes CLOSE to HAPPENING.

INT. THE SEWER

MEGAN and THE TURTLES use the MUTAGEN to revive SPLINTER.

SPLINTER

Thank you, my sons. Now I must prepare you for your greatest challenge yet, which will be this film’s inevitable shittier sequel.

THE TURTLES

You mean even shitter than “Secret of the Ooze” and TMNT III?

MICHAEL BAY

We’re damn sure going to try!

This will HAPPEN. YOU KNOW IT WILL.

END