FADE IN:

INT. NEW YORK

The CHRYSLER BUILDING is being terrorized by FOUR ROIDED UP GHOULS straight out of an LSD fueled Guillermo del Toro fever dream.

LEONARDO

We’re also the Ninja Turtles! I’m the leader and a self righteous control freak!

RAPHAEL

I’m the angry brooding meathead!

DONATELLO

And I’m the-- holy fuck are we really introducing ourselves? Every kid on the planet who isn’t color blind knows exactly who we are. Reminding everyone of our unique individual character traits would be like Tony Stark constantly telling everybody which type of metal his suit is named after.

MICHELANGELO

And I’m the mildly autistic one!

The TURTLES demonstrate how BADASS and HEROIC they are by sneaking into a BASKETBALL GAME instead of you know FIGHTING CRIME or RESCUING SOME HELPLESS KITTENS or really anything other than WATCHING THE FUCKING NICKS.

MEGAN FOX

Meanwhile I’ll spy on evil Neil Degrass Tyson aka Tyler Perry while wearing a Bruce Vilanch disguise.

TYLER PERRY, UGH

Hellur.

MEGAN FOX

Wow. I can’t even. You know you’re in trouble when Megan Fox is the best actor in a scene with only one other actor. So Tyler, I hear you have alien teleportation tech and are working for the dwarf they hired to play Shredder.

TYLER PERRY, UGH

Yes. I do the science for him.

MEGAN FOX

My God you are just... awful. Just the worst thing ever. Your voice is like starving rats clawing my inner ear during a Skrillex concert. Now I will copy all of your research using my magical wi-fi school girl fetish costume.

(becomes Lollipop Chainsaw)

Wait, how the hell did I take off my pants while walking?

CHILDREN IN THE AUDIENCE

This blatant sexual exploitation must be for our benefit. I mean who else could it possibly be for--

PRODUCER MICHAEL BAY

(loudly fapping)

CHILDREN IN THE AUDIENCE

That Orlando alligator clearly ate the wrong person.

Meanwhile...

EXT. PRISONER TRANSPORT

SHREDDER is being played by BRIAN TEE who is a TALL HOBBIT.

STEPHEN AMELL

And I’m Casey Jones, a well-groomed corrections officer instead of a grungy smelly homeless hockey player for some reason.

BRIAN TEE

You look pretty GREEN. I bet you’re a real straight ARROW.

STEPHEN AMELL

I think this script just forfeit its subtlety award nomination. Well Brian, even though you are repeatedly referred to as the most dangerous man alive, we are transporting you in what amounts to a fancy school bus along with two low-level idiots.

GARY ANTHONY WILLIAMS and STEPHEN FARRELLY are playing the pre-mutated versions of BEBOP and ROCKSTEADY.

BEBOP

Wow, we’re finally on the big screen!

ROCKSTEADY

This blatant fan service nerd pandering will surely translate into massive ticket sales!

The convoy travels down the one imaginary road in New York with absolutely ZERO TRAFFIC when the FOOT CLAN arrives and blows up their FORD PINTO ESCORTS.

The TURTLES show up in their brand new TARTARUGA GARBAGE TRUCK ONLY $39.99 AT WAL-MART WHILE SUPPLIES LAST.

LEONARDO

Wow, the windows on this thing aren’t even tinted. Anybody can look in and snap a picture of the circus freaks driving this weaponized public service vehicle.

DONATELLO

Don’t worry, nostalgia will protect our identities.

MICHELANGELO

Did anyone mention that this thing has completely impractical robotic nunchuck arms? I’ll just use them to swat away the Foot Clan and AWW SHIT I BROKE’EM!

RAPHAEL

Jesus Fuck Mikey! Do you not realize how long it took us to build those and get them working? There goes 500 hours of online classes down the shitter!

They fire MAN HOLE COVERS at the prison bus at 100MPH because they are trying to MURDER everyone onboard.

TYLER PERRY, UGH

I make plot happen now.

He uses the power of his SUCK to teleport BRIAN to ANOTHER DIMENSION.

INT. DIMENSION X

BRIAN is accosted by a bowl of QUAKERS OATMEAL.

KRANG

No it’s me Krang! The talking alien brain monster that lives inside an android’s belly because that’s the logical place to put a brain!

BRIAN TEE

Okay.

KRANG

Wow, you’re so chill. Are you seriously not the least bit surprised or amazed you’re holding a conversation with a massive wad of chewing gum?

BRIAN TEE

Why do you sound like Brad Garrett got his balls caught in a hydraulic press?

KRANG

That’s a shockingly accurate assessment of my voice. Anyway, I plan to destroy earth for vaguely supervillainous reasons, you in?

BRIAN TEE

Sure. It’s not like I live there or anything.

KRANG

I need you to go find two Macguffin transporter pieces so I can bring my Death Star ripoff The Technodrone through a portal to earth.

BRIAN TEE

That sounds like a lot of work. What am I getting in return for helping you destroy my planet?

KRANG

I’ve got 500 K-Mart rewards points I’m not using.

BRIAN TEE

Deal!

INT. POLICE INCOMPETENCY MEETING

POLICE CHIEF LAURA LINNEY is brought into the movie to class things up a bit.

LAURA LINNEY

I only took this role to pay off my massive gambling debts. Stephen, I’m blaming you for losing Brian.

STEPHEN AMELL

But my convoy was attacked by ninjas on motorcycles who blew up a dozen cops! Not to mention the garbage truck with robo-arms.

LAURA LINNEY

If only there were some evidence to corroborate your story, like the broken robo-arms, or a single shred of traffic cam footage, or witnesses, or any number of dead Foot Clan bodies, all of which we should have, but nope, nada, all gone. So you’re fired.

STEPHEN AMELL

I’ll show you! I’ll find Brian by tracking down Bebop and Rocksteady!

LAURA LINNEY

Brian is a criminal mastermind, he’d have to be a complete pansy jackass to partner up with those two paint chip eating morons.

INT. TYLER PERRY’S LAB

BRIAN TEE

Welcome Bebop and Rocksteady, I’d like you to team up with me by letting me inject you with this purple alien snot Krang gave me.

BEBOP

As long as it’s gluten free.

ROCKSTEADY

And won’t turn us into deformed CGI abominations that will never be able to go out in public ever again without lots of screaming and pitchforks.

BRIAN TEE

One out of two seems fair.

TYLER PERRY (UGH!) injects BEBOP and ROCKSTEADY with MUTAGEN and they transform into horrifying CGI versions of a WARTHOG and a RHINOCEROS.

TYLER PERRY, UGH

That’s because every human is genetically descendant from wild animals. Because science. I have a bow tie so it’s fact.

BEBOP

We’re not at all scared or freaked out about becoming mutant lab experiments.

ROCKSTEADY

Just wait until we realize we’ll never get laid again.

BEBOP

Speak for yourself. I’m hitting up the nearest animal farm and hitting on all the finest warthog bitches.

But MEGAN has snuck into the lab and steals the rest of the MUTAGEN.

MEGAN FOX

I did? Where the goddamn fuck are the turtles? We’re nearly halfway through this thing and they haven’t done diddly jack shit!

STEPHEN AMELL

(appearing)

Sounds like SOMEONE’S in need of a forced love interest! Looks like I’ll be your meet cute partner for the evening.

MEGAN FOX

Wow, you managed to fight off trained death ninjas with a hockey stick.

STEPHEN AMELL

Yeah, the Foot Clan are just Putty Patrollers without all the hilarious body spasms and baby mumbles.

MEGAN and STEPHEN are suddenly surrounded by FOUR CENOBITES!

MICHELANGELO

No it’s us the Ninja Turtles!

(eats glue stick)

LEONARDO

Hey Stephen, you seem like a nice guy we just met six seconds ago so why don’t you come back to our sewer lair?

STEPHEN AMELL

Sure, that seems like a perfectly reasonable HOLY FUUUCK IT’S PIZZA RAT!

SPLINTER

No, I’m Splinter, the turtle’s master and sensei.

STEPHEN AMELL

Why does your voice sound like Tony Shalhoub got his dick slammed in a car door?

SPLINTER

For the same reason Arrow sucks now: it just does.

DONATELLO

Hey Leo, I did science on the purple ooze and it can turn us into humans!

LEONARDO

I frown disapprovingly. Don’t tell the others.

RAPHAEL

We already know you arrogant prick. The cops have the mutagen so Mikey and I are going to go get it because we want to be human.

LEONARDO

Why? We’re awesome as super-powered mini-Kaiju.

RAPHAEL

Umm, maybe because we’re teenagers with super-powered hormones and no females around. Use your imagination.

LEONARDO

Well I forbid you from getting the mutagen because we need to manufacture some lame conflict between us.

MICHELANGELO

Too late! I’ve already devised an Ocean’s 11 style plan to break into police headquarters and steal the mutagen without exposing us to the world!

The plan immediately goes TITS UP and exposes the TURTLES to the WORLD.

LAURA LINNEY

My God! They’re like human-sized acne scars on steroids!

MICHELANGELO

Hey that’s mean.

LAURA LINNEY

So’s your face. Just looking at you feels like being maced, paddled, and punched in the throat all at once.

MEGAN and STEPHEN help the TURTLES escape by getting themselves ARRESTED.

LEONARDO

Oh good, those jerks were stealing all our limelight. Let’s not lift a single foam glove-sized finger to help them in any way, those gullible fools.

DONATELLO

Oh shit! Brian has the second teleportation piece and Bebop and Rocksteady are closing in on the third!

RAPHAEL

To South America!

They sneak onto the plane going to BRAZIL because those kind of flights apparently take off every 5 MINUTES in PLOT CONVENIENCE LAND.

EXT. BRAZILIAN RAIN FOREST

BEBOP and ROCKSTEADY secure the last piece of alien tech with the aid of a TANK that they most certainly were taught how to operate.

They head back to the U.S. in a cargo plane when the TURTLES intercept them by skydiving onto the plane.

RAPHAEL

I hit the nose of the plane while it was going a thousand miles per hour, but I survived!

MICHELANGELO

Uh, no you didn’t. You splatted all over the windshield and died. We buried you in the back yard and went to the pet store and got a replacement turtle.

BEBOP

Well well well, the Ninja Turtles vs Bebop and Rocksteady.

ROCKSTEADY

Yes, our very first live action fight, despite everyone being computer animated.

LEONARDO

Guys, we’re ninjas. We’ve been training in the art of Whoopass-fu since birth and you’re just a couple of street thugs on HGH. Plus there are four of us. There’s no way you two could possibly beat

The TURTLES get their SHELLS KICKED. BEBOP and ROCKSTEADY escape with the alien tech.

EXT. NEW YORK

Meanwhile WILL ARNET springs MEGAN and STEPHEN from jail.

WILL ARNET

(fulfills contractual obligation to appear in this film)

(leaves)

MICHELANGELO

Megan! Stephen! We’re so glad you guys are okay despite not giving a solitary shit about you being arrested!

MEGAN FOX

Wait, didn’t that plane you guys were on crash leaving you stranded in Brazil in the middle of nowhere? How the hell did you guys make it back to New York so fast?

RAPHAEL

Well it wasn’t easy.

TYLER PERRY (UGH!!) activates the ALIEN DEVICE which opens up a PORTAL in the skies above NEW YORK which allows ALIEN BAD GUY TECH to come through while MARVEL STUDIOS wonders if this is grounds for a lawsuit.

DONATELLO

Krang is bringing the Technodrone through the portal a piece at a time instead of all at once because we need a ticking clock.

LEONARDO

We’ll go up to the Technodrone and fight Krang while Stephen fights Bebop and Rocksteady.

STEPHEN AMELL

Yes. I, a normal human, can surely hold off two mutant animal monsters that managed to kick the Ninja Turtles’s balls into their Ninja Turtled throats.

He defeats BEBOP and ROCKSTEADY using improvised roller skates and a hockey stick made out of random OFFICE EQUIPMENT. Sadly that is NOT a joke.

Meanwhile TYLER PERRY (UUUUHHHGGG!!!) is betrayed by BRIAN who is then JACK RUBY’D by KRANG.

BRIAN TEE

Whoa what? But I just now this second put on my iconic can opener mask and helmet for the first time! Do I at least get to karaoke "Ninja Rap" for few a minut

BRIAN is frozen and stored in a VENDING MACHINE.

MICHELANGELO

Now my brothers and I must fight the villain who’s covered in robot armor on top of a platform high above the city before he kills millions of citizens below with a doomsday weapon.

RAPHAEL

Wait are we really doing the EXACT SAME climax of the last movie?

THEY ARE.

KRANG fights the TURTLES in what can only be described as a really expensive TOY COMMERCIAL.

After adding all the new ACTION FIGURES to your Amazon cart the TURTLES WIN! They send KRANG and the TECHNODRONE back to wherever the fuck.

KRANG

Just to recap: I didn’t destroy a single building and the only person I actually hurt was another villain. As far as alien attacks on New York goes the cost to repair the damage I caused can be recovered in a bake sale.

LAURA LINNEY

And don’t worry Turtles, the New York police department will keep your secret. We’re good at covering things up. Like really really good.

LEONARDO

So what happened to Shredder he’s just a popsicle now?

MICHELANGELO

Or Bebop and Rocksteady? Are they in a zoo now or what?

RAPHAEL

And what about Tyler? We don’t get to see him become Brundlefly?

DONATELLO

Those are all good questions I’m sure will get answered in the next installmenOHSHITWEBOMBED

END