SIGN: FIRST STEPS...TOWARD BANKRUPTCY

INT. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE is attending science class with his good friend JOSEPH DOOM CULP. CUE the ScIeNCe.

PROFESSOR

Tonight, science will happen in the sky. We call it Colossus, which is not related to a Russian mutant. If you throw physics terms at the science particles, then scientific things will happen.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

I have been sciencing about this Colossus all year. My intellect created some science doohickey that will interact with the maguffin?

JOSEPH DOOM CULP

Yes, and the maguffin will create all sorts of tropes. Maybe even an origin story.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

(nerdiness intensifies)

Editor's Note: Replace the word science with quantum, tachyon, or radiation and see which Marvel movie you come up with.

INT. DAYCARE FOR WAYWARD STORMS

ALEX, for reasons robbed of logic, makes his rounds to a home for wayward children. A YOUNG SUE STORM and YOUNGER JOHNNY are ...I don’t know, sweeping chimneys and asking for more porridge.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

(looking at the very illegal Sue)

Please tell me this isn't comic canon. I am a college student in my early thirties. Will I wind up on some billionaire's list in 31 years?

YOUNG SUE

Thanks for stopping by Mr. Richards. See you at the Colossus Event.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

Ugh...I am already grooming you?

INT. ONE OF MANY POORLY LIT OBSERVATORIES

ALEX and JOSEPH are, in fact, doing science as the Colossus (no relation to a Russian mutant) reaches over the laboratory. They fire up a laser and shoot so much science at it that it almost seems like Corman knew what he was producing. If you squint, you can see some competence.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

The electric FX are not bad for a 1970s movie.

JOSEPH DOOM CULP

This is coming out in 1994. It's merely a halfwit plan from Bernd Eichinger to keep the rights of Fantastic Four.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

I am starting to think this won't be nominated for Oscars this year.

The Colossus flies over and zaps JOSEPH.

JOSEPH DOOM CULP

It's better than the Galactus fart cloud in Rise of the Silver Surfer.

(dies)

INT. THE FOUR BUILDING

ALEX is now ten years older and has grey hair to prove it. He owns a building with the number four on it. His friend, MICHAEL THING SMITH, also works with him.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

So sad that Joseph died. I didn't go to his funeral to confirm his death or follow up on his tragedy in any way, shape, or form, but I can still mourn him after all this.

MICHAEL THING SMITH

A new Colossus is heading into space. For reasons that are unclear, we should go in a rocket and shine this crystal thingamajig at it.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

(squeals in fan girl)

Two maguffins in a single movie. Are you kidding me? Let me get my two best foster care children to help.

EXT. THE STREETS OF NYC

ALEX and MICHAEL are walking down the street when they bump into a BLIND ALICIA MASTERS who is instantly terrified.

MICHAEL THING SMITH

(picks her up like a log and shakes her)

You are safe!!!!!!

ALICIA MASTERS

(suffering spinal injuries)

Wow, I found that comforting and reassuring. Who was my last boyfriend? Chris Brown?

Out from the sewers, IAN TRIGGER emerges. He looks like a combination of the old man and the bird lady in both Home Alone movies.

IAN TRIGGER

From my filthy lair, I spy a beautiful diamond rock and a hot blind babe. I must have them both because I am...

Mole Man. No, wait! I am The Puppet Master...nope. I am The Jeweler. Really? Soooo dumb.

INT. DOOM'S CASTLE OF TACKINESS

DOOM

So, after I was hit by lightning, I decided to wear all metal, become a tyrant king in a small European land, and wait ten years for my revenge. Wait a minute. That sounded too clear.

ACTUAL DOOM

Grumble* grumble* lightning. Grumble* grumble* metal. Grumble* king. Much better. Those Tom Hardy voice lessons are paying off.

DOOM LACKEY

Sir, we should head over to New York and sabotage their space crystal so they get horribly mutilated by The Colossus.

DOOM

Sounds good...hold up. A leprechaun who looks like both elderly mentors in Home Alone just stole it. What fortune! Cancel my plans.

EXT. IN SPACE...NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU DISAPPOINT MARVEL FANS

ALEX is joined with REBECCA SUE STAAB, JAY JOHNNY UNDERWOOD, and MICHAEL THING SMITH.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

I am pleased you decided to join me for this adventure, which has no bearing on 75% of you. Johnny, you are in charge of wit and '90s phrases. Sue, your job is to stay a legal age for our budding romance. Ben...you are responsible for mending our shoes.

MICHAEL THING SMITH

It's cobbling time!

JAY JOHNNY UNDERWOOD

Radical!

REBECCA SUE STAAB

I may just be a wayward youth in a foster home, but I am a smart, confident valid member of this team.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

And You look pretty in your spacesuit.

REBECCA SUE STAAB

(blushes and giggles)

The Colossus hits the rocket ship and everyone starts flipping out and Shatnering.

EXT. SOME PARK THAT CORMAN DID NOT GET PERMISSION TO FILM AT

ALEX, REBECCA, JAY, and MICHAEL wake up in a park. Their memory of previous tragic events is as fuzzy as the camera shot that can't seem to find focus.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

How did we land here?

JAY JOHNNY UNDERWOOD

The jump cut was so violent it sent us hurtling toward Earth.

REBECCA SUE STAAB

Guys, we are getting weird powers. Look, I can turn invisible. Now the studio doesn't have to pay me that much.

JAY JOHNNY UNDERWOOD

I can superimpose gif-animated fire on my hands.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

I can make all my limbs longer.

REBECCA SUE STAAB

Ohmigod, Michael looks like a hideous monstrosity.

MICHAEL THING SMITH

Ummmm...I haven't transformed yet.

REBECCA SUE STAAB

Oh, right.

INT. SEWER OF THE JEWELER- I FEEL SO LAME WRITING THAT

IAN TRIGGER and his loyal band of HOBOS kidnap ALICIA MASTERS.

IAN TRIGGER

Don't you see the world has rejected you. Your only place is in my sewer of unshowered incels.

ALICIA MASTERS

Absolutely, blind people can't do anything positive in society. Just look at the human trash Ray Charles, Matt Murdock, and Helen Keller.

IAN TRIGGER

Just sit in your dingy prison cell and listen to the wildly cartoony oboe music that ushers my presence.

ALICIA MASTERS

I wish my character was deaf.

INT. LATVERIAN HOSPITAL BUT WE DON'T KNOW IT YET AND WE DON'T CARE

Several soldiers surround the FANTASTIC FOUR and take them into medical custody.

MICHAEL THING SMITH

Finally, I turned into some sort of THING. I can see where 99.9% of the budget went.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

Thing? That's the best name you could come up with? How about Rock Slide? Orange Crush? Rocky Horror? Stone Henge? Land Slide? Cocoa Pebbles? Pop Rocks?

MICHAEL THING SMITH

That's rich coming from a guy who named himself after an affirming accolade of greatness.

DOCTOR

Time to get blood samples from the gang. Oh no, The Thing intimidated me.

(audience laughs)

Johnny scared me with his fire.

(audience spits out their drinks with laughter)

Sue's invisibility spooked me into jabbing myself.

(ushers help audience rolling in the aisles)

Reed baffled me with his elongated arms.

(audience explodes into uncontrollable laughter. Tear gas is thrown into the theater to quell the uproar.)

Somewhere in the distance, TAIKA WAITITI is taking copious notes.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

Watch out, Batman Returns, this movie is coming for your throne!

EXT. A PAINTING OF LATVERIA AS AN ESTABLISHING SHOT

INT. DOOM'S CASTLE

DOOM unveils a DIFFERENT LASER that will syphon the powers of The Fantastic Four. All he needs is the crystal.

DOOM

I need to send some of my mob guys to The Jeweler to get that crystal.

MOB GUYS

The Jeweler said no.

DOOM

Well, it seems that my omnipotent empire is powerless against a sassy old man.

MOB GUYS

We could have shot him with our guns.

DOOM

Have you seen this budget? Bullet effects are expensive. Come back and let's talk about the problem instead.

INT. LATVERIAN HOSPITAL

More ARMED GUARDS try to extract blood from The Fantastic Four, but THE THING engages in a cinematic fight. Fists fly with rage, furniture breaks, lasers fire, explosions erupts...LOL JK. The screen does a rotating transition and some PUNCH SOUND FX play over the soundtrack.

MICHAEL THING SMITH

I can't believe a human is producing this movie.

REBECCA, ALEX, and JAY escape, punching exactly one guard (the first actual fight scene). They type buttons on a computer console.

MICHAEL crashes through the wall, rendering the last scene completely pointless.

DOOM

Welcome to my humble abode. It was such great luck that you crashed in a local park right next to my castle. I am so glad that worked out.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

You don't sound very familiar.

DOOM

Joseph Culp hightailed it out of this movie. He collected his $80 check and scrammed.

A fight scene ensues. ROGER CORMAN uses his very best LOONEY TUNES' scenes to choreograph it. Somehow, Johnny's fire special FX are worse than TRON.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

Are we sure this wasn't made in the 70s?

MICHAEL THING SMITH

These are all practical effects. And by that I mean they practically don't exist.

The Fantastic Four escape out the side of a wall over a cliff. The smash cut turns into a helicopter enabling them to escape.

INT. THE FOUR BUILDING

ALEX starts researching the cosmic phenomenon that altered his team.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

Eureka, I get it. Our powers are based on our personalities. Sue is shy so she turns invisible. Johnny is a hothead so he is filled with fire. I am busy all the time so I can stretch. And Thing has always been ugly.

MICHAEL THING SMITH

I hate you.

REBECCA SUE STAAB

We should team up and call ourselves the Fantastic Four. Also, I have a confession. I want to settle down with one member on the team. My two hints are: he is not ugly and he is not my brother.

MICHAEL THING SMITH

Fine, I am leaving. The world should not see me like this hideous monster. I will walk in shame in New York City. It's Cowering Time!

MICHAEL walks around NYC getting uncomfortably Biden-close to WOMEN until a STRANGE HOBO takes him into the SEWERS to live with IAN TRIGGER.

INT. SEWER OF THE JEWELER- I STILL FEEL SO LAME WRITING THAT

IAN TRIGGER has ALICIA MASTERS in an ARABIAN QUEEN COSTUME. Sporadic oboe music welcomes the audience.

IAN TRIGGER

My family of ugly, useless, and hideous weirdos is almost complete.

ALICIA MASTERS

Why does this movie hate blind people so much? Who hurt you, Stan Lee?

THE DOOM MAN WITH A DOCTORATE invades the sewer. Several ARMED HOBOS fire bullets at him. DOOM starts flexing like HULK HOGAN and the bullets reflect back and hit the HOBOS.

DOOM

I shall take Alicia as collateral to trap the Fantastic Four.

MICHAEL THING SMITH

The girl I just met a few seconds ago? That is going to draw my team into your trap?

ALICIA MASTERS

(actual line)

I love you.

MICHAEL THING SMITH

Really? That's where we are going with this? I shook you violently and met you in the sewer just now, and you are ready for a lifelong relationship.

SUDDENLY...THE THING turns back into MICHAEL BAILEY SMITH because DOOM used his powers, or someone had an Infinity Stone, or CORMAN had to return the costume. But then MICHAEL turned back into THE THING because CORMAN got a two week extension on the rental.

INT. THE FOUR BUILDING

The Fantastic Four are dressed in BLUE ONESIES with the number 4 printed on them.

REBECCA SUE STAAB

I just whipped up these suits in the back. Reed, your suit can handle your limb extending powers. Johnny, your suit is flame retardant. Ben, your suit is underwear with a generous waistband.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

Your sewing, design work, molecular testing, and physics manipulation is amazing on these suits. I really underestimated your foster home upbringing.

DOOM appears on the Fantastic Monitor to send the team a threat.

DOOM

I have Alicia Masters as my hostage. Turn yourselves in.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

That seems mildly horrible.

DOOM

And here is footage of me blowing up a town. And I have a death laser aimed at New York City.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

You really buried the lede there.

MICHAEL THING SMITH

Time to end this high school film project. It's Jobbering Time!

INT. DOOM CASTLE- I CAN ALMOST SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS DUMPSTER FIRE

The Fantastic Four return to DOOM'S OBSERVATORY OF AWFUL LIGHTING and get into one more fight scene. ALEX takes DOOM to an outdoor balcony and knocks him out with three punches.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

They really nerfed you in this movie.

DOOM

I am falling, Reed. Save me. Remember we were friends!

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

I will save you.

DOOM

As you are saving me, may I remind you how dumb, incompetent, unpopular, lame, sexually unimpressive, visually unappealing, and awful you are as a human being.

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

Oops, my hand slipped.

JAY JOHNNY UNDERWOOD fully transforms into a HUMAN TORCH and chases the GREEN DEATH LASER before it hits NEW YORK CITY (Budget: $20.15).

EXT. WEDDING

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE and REBECCA SUE STAAB are joyfully skipping out of a church. REBECCA has a beautiful wedding dress, while the team opted to wear their battle soiled costumes. MICHAEL THING SMITH is wearing only blue underwear. WHO ORGANIZED THIS WEDDING?

ALEX FANTASTIC HYDE-WHITE

Ben, as someone who is horrifically self-conscious about his appearance, you seem to be okay with going full monty in public.

ROGER CORMAN

Bad news guys, this movie was never intended for human eyes. It will lay dormant on a shelf for many years until someone starts archive.org. They will even make a documentary on how bad this production went and show it on Tubi.

JAY JOHNNY UNDERWOOD

I guess cancel culture is not all bad.

REBECCA SUE STAAB

I think we learned an important lesson. Marvel makes horrible choices and their little comic legacy will burn out to DC's mighty empire. DC would never make such tasteless decisions.

TIME-WARNER EXECS arrive at the Wedding.

TIME-WARNER EXECS

Okay, hear us out on the extended universe. We are looking into this young high school student named Zack.

THE END