FADE IN:

INT. SETH ROGEN AND ROSE BYRNE’S LAME OLD PEOPLE HOUSE

SETH and ROSE are a happily married couple who like to FUCK in front of their BABY.

ROSE BYRNE

Because nothing turns a woman on like having her newborn watching her get plowed by Seth Rogen.

SETH ROGEN

I play a stoner schlub who knocks up a hot girl and she actually keeps the baby? This doesn't sound familiar at all. Time for me to spout some witty improv!

ROSE BYRNE

Me too!

SETH ROGEN

No Rose, only I’m allowed to improv. You’re just here to convince everyone that whatever I say is hilarious.

ROSE BYRNE

So I’m the laugh track to your Dennis Miller?

SETH ROGEN

Exactly. Now go roll me a fatty while I bemoan to my coworker how I long for the days before married life and fatherhood when all I did was smoke weed and have sex, unlike what I do for a third of this film.

Meanwhile a FRAT moves in next door led by the handsome, sexy, multitalented, and super hung ZAC EFRON.*

*LINES INSERTED BY ZAC EFRON

SETH ROGEN

Greetings kind neighbors. I bring you a peace offering of weed and my wife’s inexplicable Australian accent, it is her mother tongue after all. Please accept these tokens of friendship that you can literally toke on. Just try to keep the noise down, m’kay?

ZAC EFRON

As the president of the fraternity that single handedly created toga parties, beer pong and Boot N’ Rally, we will humbly abide your request for low volume partying.

ZAC and his FRAT proceed to PISS ALL OVER THAT BULLSHIT.

SETH ROGEN

The fuck, guys? We shared weed with you. You’re breaking our sacred weed bond!

ZAC EFRON

I apologize kind sir. Would you and your lovely wench like to join in on our awesome festivities?

ROSE BYRNE

Really? I don’t know if we should

(gets shitfaced)

SETH ROGEN

(getting baked)

I like you, Zac. Let us bond over discussions of the caped crusader.

ZAC EFRON

We are now brothers. Just be sure not to call the cops on us or shit is going to get real.

SETH ROGEN

Agreed.

THE FRAT turns the volume on their speakers up to “WATCHING TRANSFORMERS DURING A SHUTTLE LAUNCH” loud and SETH and ROSE call the COPS.

ROSE BYRNE

Oh thank God. Officer, please tell them to turn their music down.

IDIOT COP

This noble frat of young men with plenty of booze and party favors out in plain view tells me you guys are the real assholes here, and I believe them because they have footage of you partying with them, which oddly doesn't show you smoking any joints that I could charge you on.

ZAC EFRON

Told you, Seth. This shit right here? Just. Got. Real.

SETH ROGEN

Then we’ll get the entire neighborhood to turn against you! Surely we’re not the only family annoyed by their excessive partying!

But THEY ARE, SOMEHOW. Even the house on the opposite side of the FRAT whose owners must have been born without EYES and EARS or a BRAIN.

EXT. ZACH’S FRAT HOUSE

SETH and ROSE’s baby chews on a USED CONDOM because having the most ADORABLE BABY IN THE WORLD possibly contract an STD is TOTES LOL, AMIRITE?

ROSE BYRNE

I declare Jihad on the fraternity! Let’s flood their basement! I'm sure a massive plumbing bill will drive them out!

SETH ROGEN

That didn’t work!

ROSE BYRNE

Then let’s break up the frat by manipulating Zac’s best friend James Francostien into sleeping with Zac’s generic blonde girlfriend!

DAVE FRANCO

No no, I’m Dave! James’s brother! I just happen to look like a genetically mutated version of him! Also I have an impressively large penis!*

*LINES APPROVED OF BY DAVE FRANCO

ZAC EFRON

Dude! You slept with my girl? The Brah Code demands that we fight each other by squeezing each other’s junk!

THIS HAPPENS. DAVE gets a MASSIVE BONER just in case the HOMO-EROTIC ATTRACTION between them wasn’t SUPER OBVIOUS ENOUGH.

ZAC EFRON

I’m so angry over losing my bland girlfriend I have gotten my fraternity put on probation! I shall never get over losing the love of my life!

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Does anyone even remember what her name was without IMDb-ing it? Also I’m in this movie thanks to my Judd Apatow Rewards Card.

CARLA GALLO

Same here!

SETH ROGEN

So that must mean we won! It’s all over!

(looks at watch)

Shit! We’ve still got like another 35 minutes of movie to go! What’ll we do?!

ROSE BYRNE

Well we’ve already seen some full frontal penis so let’s see some full frontal breasts, namely mine, filled with evil titty milk that means to murder me.

SETH ROGEN

Well that ate up 5 minutes of screen time, still another 30 minutes to go.

ROSE BYRNE

How about we go from being relatable victims to unlikable pricks by trying to annihilate Zac’s fraternity?

SETH ROGEN

But why? We already won and they’ve stopped partying. Let’s just smoke some weed and fuck and call it a day.

ROSE BYRNE

Because apparently I'm a closeted sadist. I will not rest until I’ve consumed Zac’s soul and sucked the marrow from his cold dead sexy bones!

SETH ROGEN

Holy shit, you weren’t kidding about that whole Jihad thing. Aren't I supposed to be the malicious asshole while you get to be the sensible one?

ROSE BYRNE

You don't get it, Seth. I’ve been in a zombie movie, a disaster in space movie, and a superhero movie, and I’ve played “bland smart girl” in all of them. Well not this time. This time I’M going to be the irresponsible moron who ruins shit!

ROSE orchestrates a plan to turn one of ZAC’S PLEDGES against him, but that shit BACKFIRES EPICALLY because ZAC is really just a big o’ll SWEETHEART who’s just misunderstood and deep down has a BEAUTIFUL SOUL.*

*LINES INCLUDED BY DEMAND OF MR. EFRON

ZAC EFRON

Wait, so you guys are the ones who flooded our basement AND got Dave to sleep with my generic girlfriend AND you tried to get our fraternity in trouble? Oh this shit IS ON LIKE MOTHERFUCKING DONKEY KONG!

DAVE FRANCO

Aaaaaawh yeah! It’s on like Don Juan!

ZAC EFRON

It’s on like the Vietcong!

DAVE FRANCO

It’s on like Cheech and Chong with a bong on my dingdong!

ZAC EFRON

Just had to work your cock in there, didn’t you?

DAVE FRANCO

That’s not the only place I’m trying to work my cock into.

ZAC EFRON

What?

DAVE FRANCO

Nothing.

ZAC breaks into SETH and ROSE’s cars and steals their AIRBAGS.

ZAC EFRON

Haha Seth! I’ve also broken into your job and strategically placed one of the airbags under your chair like a whoopie cushion that launches you 50 feet into the air! I also hid one inside your house! Mahahaha!

SETH ROGEN

So not only did you do some major breaking and entering that can be easily traced back to you, but you also tried to murder our baby?

ZAC EFRON

Say what?

ROSE BYRNE

Our baby. It could have easily crawled over that airbag in our house and been catapulted into the ceiling, killing it. Technically you almost murdered a baby.

ZAC EFRON

Uh, no I didn’t.

SETH ROGEN

Yeah you kinda did.

ZAC EFRON

No I didn’t.

YES HE MOST CERTAINLY FUCKING DID. SETH and ROSE are surprisingly laid back about it though.

ROSE BYRNE

Seth, this shit has gotten too real for me, even though I was the main one responsible for escalating the situation. I’m leaving you.

(pause)

Okay now I’m back. Boy, that was fast.

SETH ROGEN

(checks watch)

Damnit, you’re right! We’ve still got 20 more minutes to fill!

ROSE BYRNE

Can’t we just run 15 minutes of ending credit bloopers with the baby in creepy pop culture costumes or something? I think we’ve pretty much beaten the shit out of this dead horse of a plot and shot it in the face. Twice.

ZAC EFRON

Fuck you Seth and Rose! You’re old and lame! That makes me realize that I too will one day be old and lame like you! Grrr! This makes my sexy flare up!

DAVE FRANCO

Calm down, Zac. You’re so tense. You need to relax. How about I give you a sensual full body massage? Just let me go get my oils.

ZAC EFRON

I should threaten the lame old couple next door by continuing to be a leaky asshole once our probation is up? You’re right, Dave. Thanks! Now to go have heterosexual sex with my girlfriend who is a girl and not a guy like Dave!

DAVE FRANCO

Uh, okay. Right. Glad I could help.

(cries self to sleep)

INT. SETH ROGEN AND ROSE BYRNE’S HOUSE OF LAMEITUDE FOR SENIORS

ROSE BYRNE

Shit! Zac’s frat has the upper hand! If only we could trick them into thinking their probation has been lifted so they’ll throw a massive party! And while we're at it maybe throw the N Word around for shock value!

SETH ROGEN

Done!

ROSE BYRNE

But in order for the frat to get in the maximum amount of trouble it can’t be just any old huge party, it needs to be stupidly huge. Like Project X times Pi stupid.

SETH ROGEN

Come on Rose, we’d have to invent a whole new form of math to calculate that level of stupid.

ROSE BYRNE

Oh. Then we’ll just hand out flyers and shit. Kids these days still read things not on phones or computer screens, right?

Not really, but it STILL WORKS!

INT. ZACH’S FRAT HOUSE

PROJECT X is in FULL EFFECT!

ZAC EFRON

Heywaitaminute! My sexy senses a plot afoot!

(inspects flyer)

Oh no! We’ve been had! The old people have the upper hand! Shut the party down! Everybody flee!

ZAC shuts the power off and the party dies out before the COPS show up.

SETH ROGEN

Fuck! Zac's frat has the upper hand! It’s all over!

ROSE BYRNE

Wait! We just have to turn the power back on before that one unusually chatty cop leaves and we win!

SETH ROGEN

Right! I’ll fight Zac while you go turn on the power!

ROSE BYRNE

Is that going to work? I mean Zac actually has muscles while you have rolls of liquified taco meat where your muscles should be.

SETH ROGEN

Trust me, honey. Zac’s Cunt-Fu is no match for my Jew-Jitsu!

SETH and ZAC have a DILDO FIGHT.

SETH ROGEN

You have learned much, young one.

ZAC EFRON

You’ll find I’m full of surprises!

Their DILDOS CLASH! Bodily secretions fly everywhere!

SETH ROGEN

Impressive! Most Impressive!

ZAC EFRON

Wait, do you actually know how to fight?

SETH ROGEN

No. Do you?

ZAC EFRON

No. I usually just sexy my way out of physical confrontations.

SETH ROGEN

But everyone's expecting an epic fight! We have to deliver!

ZAC EFRON

Okay here it goes!

THUNDER and LIGHTNING rains down from the sky and the two of them FLY UP INTO THE AIR and start WAILING on each all JAPANESE ANIME STYLE.

SETH ROGEN

Wait, no, that's The Matrix Revolutions. We don't have the budget for that kind of fight!

ZAC EFRON

Well how about I headbutt this beer can and you headbutt that ceiling fan?

SETH ROGEN

So we basically just kick our own ass? Sounds like a plan!

This HAPPENS.

ROSE BYRNE

And while you guys were busy doing that I shot some fireworks at the chatty cop and he’s called for backup. And Carla got the power turned back on so the party is back in full swing. Your ass is grass, Zac. And we just rolled you up and smoked you, bitch.

ZAC EFRON

Getting bested by two lamers like you has humbled me and made me grow as a human being.

DAVE FRANCO

Also I love you.

ZAC EFRON

I love you like a brother too, Dave.

DAVE FRANCO

No I mean I LOVE you. Like the way a man loves a woman, but if that woman were actually a man.

ZAC EFRON

(prossessing...)

Does not compute.

DAVE FRANCO

Wait, so we're not even going to pay off the blatant man love between us?

ZAC EFRON

I'm pretty sure we were just bromancing.

DAVE FRANCO

I said "I love you". Like 10 times. While looking you dead in the eye. The only way my feelings for you could be more clear is if I got down on one knee and gave you a diamond ring while tickling your balls.

ZAC EFRON

Come on, Dave. We can show a baby chewing a used condom and a shlong wrapped around a girl's neck but two dudes falling for each other? We have to consider our target audience of macho douchebags whose masculinity might be threatened. Please do them a favor and resist my sexy.

DAVE FRANCO

(wipes away a single tear)

For you Zac, I will try.

ZAC is arrested and hauled off to JAIL where his fellow inmates will probably NOT try to resist his SEXY.

SETH ROGEN

We forgive you, Zac. Friends?

ZAC EFRON

Yeah sure I guess. Just so long as you don't take your shirt off and expose those sweaty manboobs of yours agai

SETH ROGEN

(flashes manboobs)

ZAC EFRON

You sick motherfucker.

SETH ROGEN

So I guess that means Rose and I officially won?

ROSE BYRNE

Yes dear. And all it cost us was our moral compass and self respect. WORTH IT!

SETH ROGEN

But I still don’t get how a druggie fuckup like me managed to land such a gorgeous sexy Australian woman like you.

ROSE BYRNE

(pulls out Green Card)

SETH ROGEN

OH THAT EXPLAINS IT!

END