FADE IN:

EXT. WINTER GARDEN

CHRIS HEMSWORTH (V.O.)

(distractingly unnecessary Scottish accent)

Once upon a time, generic fantasy setting, can we start the 3D special effects yet?

Yes, the film CAN. A GLASS ARMY turns up out of nowhere.

KING NOAH HUNTLEY

Oh no, a glass army! That's almost as bad as an army made out of anything else! Come, brave knights - let us ride to probable victory!

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST

The KING and his MEN ride into battle, taking care to always swing their swords so that GLASS FLIES INTO THE CAMERA, SUCK IT, 3D IS HERE TO STAY!

KING NOAH HUNTLEY

We've won! Finally, I can return to brooding over my recently-dead queen.

KNIGHT

Sire, look! The glass army took Charlize Theron prisoner!

KING NOAH HUNTLEY

Whew! Completely brooded out. The king is officially ready to bed the blonde strumpet.

CHARLIZE THERON marries the KING, and they go to make ROYAL LOVIN', but CHARLIZE THERON paralyzes and kills him on their wedding bed with bizarre sound effects that can only mean LITERAL VAGINA MAGIC.

CHARLIZE THERON

Men use women. They ruin us and then they are finished with us. Now, get ready for the remainder of the film, wherein I completely invalidate this gender critique by Shang Tsung-ing women's souls out of their faces.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH (V.O.)

Charlize Theron sprung her nefarious plan into action, which involved more glass armies for some reason!

QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON

Mwa ha ha ha! One thing left to do and I'll be unstoppable. Bring me the needlessly modernised talking mirror equivalent!

The MIRROR is brought before CHARLIZE THERON. It looks like the T-1000 with a BLANKET OVER ITS HEAD.

EXT. CASTLE

CHRIS HEMSWORTH (V.O.)

So poisonous was the reign of Queen Charlize Theron, nature turned on itself. People turned on each other. And perhaps most unfortunately of all, the pretty young princess turned into Kristen Stewart.

INT. SPOOKY GOTHIC ANTECHAMBER

QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON pouts dramatically around her chambers.

QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest actress of them all?

MIRROR

Kristen Stewart.

CHARLIZE THERON

No no, I said "fairest". And while we're nitpicking, I also said "actress".

MIRROR

My queen, as she has come of age, Kristen Stewart is now the most fairest woman in the land.

CHARLIZE THERON

...what, is she funny or something?

MIRROR

My answer remains the same, oh Queen. The very essence of true beauty can be found in her slightly vacant eyes, her perpetually open mouth -

CHARLIZE THERON

Dear God, I hope you're not out of warranty.

MIRROR

Plus, hmm, pull out her heart and you'll gain immortality.

CHARLIZE THERON

Really? My hostage is the key to eternal life? I can't help but feel like that would have been really useful information earlier. You know, seeing as you've known she's been locked up in my tower for EIGHTEEN FREAKING YEARS.

MIRROR

Fair call, Queen. I guess you've given me a lot to...reflect upon. Ha ha ha! Whoo.

CHARLIZE THERON

(actual line)

Immortality... forever.

MIRROR

Er, yes. That's generally what 'immortality' means.

QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON

BRING ME KRISTEN STEWART!

SAM SPRUELL, the VAGUELY INCESTUOUS brother of QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON, marches to KRISTEN STEWART'S CELL.

SAM SPRUELL

I'm evil too! The audience knows this in advance, of course, because my haircut looks like it came out of the Spring collection for Pedophile Apparel. While I'm here, I'll just casually molest you to reinforce the film's central theme that kissing princes is nice, but actual physical intimacy is an abomination.

KRISTEN STEWART BASHES him on the head and ESCAPES with the assistance of BIRDS! No, really.

CUT TO:

INT. THRONE ROOM

CHRIS HEMSWORTH THE HUNTSMAN is brought before QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON.

QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON

So, you're a handsome, bearded, ale-swigging, battle-loving anti-hero.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Yes, but I traded in my hammer for an axe to show my dramatic range.

SNAP-CUT TO:

EXT. DARK FOREST

KRISTEN STEWART runs through a BADLY LIT SET screaming, being chased by INDECIPHERABLE CGI ANIMALS. It is unintentionally HILARIOUS.

SNAP-CUT TO:

INT. THRONE ROOM

QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON

Huntsman, I need you to get Kristen Stewart back - with every passing moment, I'm looking less like a hot blonde and more like a medieval Norma Desmond. How about I offer you a dubious Faustian bargain to resurrect your dead wife?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Normally I'd say no, but all of your treacherous sneers towards camera make me think I can trust you. One wispy, lip-biting princess, coming right up.

EXT. DARK FOREST

CHRIS HEMSWORTH IMMEDIATELY finds and apprehends PRINCESS KRISTEN STEWART, only for SAM SPRUELL to materialise with VARIOUS UNWASHED EXTRAS.

SAM SPRUELL

Huh. That was far easier than the premise of hiring you suggested. Now I'm going to tell you that Queen Charlize Theron can't resurrect your wife, even though I could just wait until we get back to the palace and kill you easily!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Dude, do you have bad guy Tourette's or something?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH KILLS everyone except SAM SPRUELL, whom he DISARMS and holds at AXEPOINT.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Hmm, winning this battle is suddenly boring to me. Run away, Kristen Stewart!

EXT. SLIGHTLY CLEANER PALACE COURTYARD

Rebellious DUKE VINCENT REGAN plots with his son, PRINCE SAM CLAFLIN.

PRINCE SAM CLAFLIN

I am true royalty! The audience knows this in advance, of course, because I'm the only person without shit all over me.

DUKE VINCENT REGAN

Son, I need you to turn up randomly for roughly 35% of the rest of the movie, because the original fairytale had a prince charming figure, and this plot isn't confusing enough yet. Find Princess Kristen Stewart and fall in love with her -

PRINCE SAM CLAFLIN

I will, father!

DUKE VINCENT REGAN

-but if Chris Hemsworth takes an interest in her, back the fuck off.

PRINCE SAM CLAFLIN

Absolutely, father!

EXT. DARK FOREST

CHRIS HEMSWORTH and KRISTEN STEWART have various bargain basement fantasy misadventures, finally ending up in a REMOTE COMMUNITY of DISFIGURED WOMEN.

DISFIGURED WOMAN

We intentionally sacrificed beauty to save ourselves from persecution and death. We're the closest thing this film has to intelligent characters.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh, cool. Can I stay with you guys for a while? You know, endangering all of you and your children, ensuring the destruction of your village, not to mention your entire way of life?

DISFIGURED WOMAN

I don't see why not!

SAM SPRUELL attacks the DISFIGURED COMMUNITY, of course, which is BURNED TO THE GROUND, of course, and KRISTEN STEWART runs away with CHRIS HEMSWORTH without trying to help, of course.

KRISTEN STEWART

Ohhhh, now I get it. I'm royalty, I'm ALLOWED to be an asshole!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

And you're doing a great job of it, if the news headlines are anything to go by!

EXT. SLIGHTLY BRIGHTER FOREST

KRISTEN STEWART and CHRIS HEMSWORTH are caught by the SEVEN DWARV- sorry, the SEVEN NON-DWARF ACTORS DIGITALLY ALTERED TO LOOK LIKE DWARVES.

NICK FROST

(overzealous cockey twang)

'allo, 'allo! Don't mind the fact that we're CGI'd in instead of using real actors!

BOB HOSKINS

Yeah! I mean, it's not like a dwarf actor could ever portray the most-loved character in a medieval narrative, right? Right? AM I RIGHT?!

KRISTEN STEWART

Alright, seriously, what the fuck are you people doing in this movie.

BOB HOSKINS

I'm here to tell you that you're the one, Kristen Stewart! You're the only person capable of killing Queen Charlize Theron and restoring balance to the Force or whatever.

KRISTEN STEWART

But why me? Why not the Prince, or the Huntsman, or any of the other capable warriors?

BOB HOSKINS

Because it happened in the original fairytale?

KRISTEN STEWART

Nope.

BOB HOSKINS

Because it makes sense, under the circumstances?

KRISTEN STEWART

Nein.

BOB HOSKINS

Because it gives you something to do for the last forty minutes of this cinematic travesty?

KRISTEN STEWART

Ding-ding-ding!

Suddenly, a nearby DEER takes an ARROW to the neck, providing more unintentional COMEDY. SAM SPRUELL and his MEN ATTACK!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Argh, Sam Spruell, you've defeated me! I am powerless before your questionably fashioned locks!

SAM SPRUELL

Well, this seems to be an ideal moment to tell you I killed your wife, giving you the last-second morale boost you need to stab me to death.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

...man. Come on. This isn't fun when you don't play properly.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH kills SAM SPRUELL, and everyone ESCAPES!

EXT. FOREST

QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON transforms herself into PRINCE SAM CLAFLIN.

QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON

(disguised)

Now that I've disguised myself as a pale feminine man with a tortured back-story, I'm sure to slip right through Kristen Stewart's defences! Although if the news headlines are anything to go by, maybe I should be transforming into the director.

KRISTEN STEWART eats her POISONED APPLE, but is saved in the nick of time by CHRIS HEMSWORTH and PRINCE SAM CLAFLIN, which is great for everybody except the PEOPLE WATCHING THE MOVIE.

INT. SLIGHTLY CLEANER CASTLE INTERIOR

The PRINCE and CHRIS HEMSWORTH mourn by KRISTEN STEWART'S COMATOSE FORM.

PRINCE SAM CLAFLIN

My love is dead! I'd better kiss her now, this won't look as good when she starts to decompose.

He KISSES her.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

You know, in this light she kind of looks a bit like my dead wife. I'll kiss her, because making out with other women is how men in this film cope with grief.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH kisses her and SHE WAKES UP!

PRINCE SAM CLAFLIN/CHRIS HEMSWORTH

How awkward.

EXT. SLIGHTLY CLEANER CASTLE KEEP

KRISTEN STEWART

Men, I'll lead the army against Queen Charlize Theron's forces!

DUKE VINCENT REAGAN

What are your qualifications?

KRISTEN STEWART

I've been locked in a tower for eighteen years. Also, I literally JUST got out of a coma.

DUKE VINCENT REAGAN

A completely satisfactory answer!

EXT. EVIL CASTLE

KRISTEN STEWART leads the sortie against QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON'S forces.

KRISTEN STEWART

Yeah, girl power! Sword, shield, AND tasteful application of foundation and lipstick!

KRISTEN STEWART heroically RUNS PAST ALL THE BAD GUYS, leaving her KNIGHTS to DIE HORRIBLY.

INT. EVIL LAIR

QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON receives KRISTEN STEWART in her LAIR.

QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON

Your male companions will not assist you, Kristen Stewart - they'll be far too busy with my glass soldiers!

KRISTEN STEWART

You just don't know how to cut a bad idea loose, do you?

The two WOMEN BATTLE, but then, just when you think blah blah blah, QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON decides it would be a great idea to deliver her final monologue, no word of a lie, STANDING IN A FIRE.

KRISTEN STEWART

Alright, alright. You've made the subtext painfully obvious. You're hot!

KRISTEN STEWART stabs QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON, who turns into BLACK GOO and DIES. She still looks better than KRISTEN STEWART.

INT. THRONE ROOM

KRISTEN STEWART

At last, I am the rightful Queen! Male suitors, do either of you want to join me as my King?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I can't, I've been cast in a gritty, Twilight-esque reboot of 'Hansel and Gretel'.

KRISTEN STEWART

Sam Claflin?

PRINCE SAM CLAFLIN

Can't, I've been cast in a gritty, Twilight-esque reboot of 'Old Mother Hubbard'.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hooray for 21st-century cinema!

END