FADE IN:

INT. SINGAPORE

After sitting through a kid and a whole bunch of convicted pirates singing an entire song about pirates, we cut to KEIRA KNIGHTLEY in SINGAPORE, singing the same song. She meets up with GEOFFREY RUSH.

GEOFFREY RUSH

What's with all the damn singing? Are we in Spider-Man 3?

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Do you feel the urge to do a little jazz dance number down the sidewalk?

GEOFFREY RUSH

Jesus, No. I guess we're safe.

They meet up with CHOW YUN-FAT.

CHOW YUN-FAT

Welcome to Singapore. I first require Keira to remove some of her clothes.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

What? Why?

CHOW YUN-FAT

This movie is over three hours long. I need to enjoy at least one frame of this movie before I have to endure the rest of it.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

This is stupid. Are you really the new villain for the movie?

CHOW YUN-FAT

What? No, I die in the next scene. This movie doesn't have a villain. The British, I guess.

Suddenly, a NONSENSICAL FIGHT breaks out. Also there are BRITISH SOLDIERS. ORLANDO BLOOM is in there somewhere, too.

Eventually the go-nowhere action sequence stops and we cut to JOHNNY DEPP having conversations with imaginary JOHNNY DEPPS.

JOHNNY DEPP

What a great way to set the tone for the movie: a confusing, meaningless sequence that serves to undercut nearly every interesting aspect of my charming character.

JOHNNY DEPP

At least you still have your entire ship with you for some reason. Maybe you can push it to the water.

He does so, with the help of some ROCKS WITH LEGS that are, oddly enough, NOT figments of his imagination. He meets KEIRA, ORLANDO, GEOFFREY, and a bunch of PIRATE EXTRAS.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

We're here to rescue you.

JOHNNY DEPP

Nice timing, since I just managed to escape death all on my own. Maybe you guys want to buy me a bottle of rum next time I finish distilling one myself, too.

They leave the island of the afterlife. KEIRA meets her dead father's ghost, which is extremely EMOTIONAL because he's been such an interesting character in the other movies and the AUDIENCE likes him so much. JOHNNY solves an insipid puzzle that transports their ship closer to the end of the movie.

INT. PIRATE'S COVE

A bunch of pirates meet to discuss what to do about the invading BRITISH ARMY.

GEOFFREY RUSH

We need to release some ancient demon spirit thing for reasons that seem to have been made clear between the last movie and this one.

OTHER PIRATES

That's a terrible idea. We should instead get mired down with what can only be described as pirate red tape. Nobody respects the rules like pirates.

KEITH RICHARDS

Allow me to facilitate this tedious examination of the pirate code.

JOHNNY DEPP

Dad, what the fuck are you doing in this movie?

KEITH RICHARDS

Cheating death, what does it look like?

KEITH disappears from the film entirely, his introduction a complete waste of time. GEOFFREY releases the goddess/demon/spirit/whatever. It backfires and is used as an excuse to create a forced battle scenario in a whirlpool.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Does anyone else get the feeling this movie was made by having a bunch of producers make a bullet-point list of scenes they wanted, then hiring someone to glue them together with a script?

JOHNNY DEPP

Who fucking cares? I'm wasted off my ass. You didn't think this drunken pirate thing was my acting, did you?

ORLANDO BLOOM

We should revisit the boring romance between Keira and I in order to break up the monotony of this fight sequence.

We DO. Eventually enough stuff explodes that JERRY BRUCKHEIMER can create a decent-enough trailer that will trick people into wasting three hours of their lives watching the movie.

KEVIN MCNALLY

Well, I guess this crap is finally over. Unless you want to leave the franchise open for a sequel by talking about your next quest.

JOHNNY DEPP

Good idea. We may not have explored a boring Disney ride thoroughly enough with a mere 460 minutes.

END