FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK

TOBEY MAGUIRE has power equivalent to a demi-god, but occasionally this makes him LATE TO THINGS. This makes him UPSET.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

I am upset.

JAMES FRANCO

Relax, pal. I'm going to introduce you to your hero Alfred Molina. He's going to make me rich, and I need more money than I currently have because I've only got one butler and a single two-storey apartment manor. First-world problems, huh?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Dude, have you seen my shitty house? And shittier apartment? You're kind of a dick friend.

JAMES FRANCO

Actually, the script makes me edgy and abrasive because I'm sad. A masked superhero killed my father, you see.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Oh, right. Sorry. I'M the dick friend.

JAMES FRANCO

Why do you say that?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

No reason.

INT. GARISH WAREHOUSE

ALFRED MOLINA and JAMES FRANCO hold a potentially unstable fusion experiment in front of a CROWD OF UNSHIELDED CIVILIANS.

ALFRED MOLINA

I understand the risks of this experiment. That is why I'm wearing protective goggles and a semi-autonomous tentacle set.

JAMES FRANCO

Er, you're also wearing a singlet. To a demonstration of potentially unstable sustained fusion.

ALFRED MOLINA

That's right.

JAMES FRANCO

So, to recap; dangerous fusion experiment. Singlet and goggles. That's your idea of precautionary measures.

ALFRED MOLINA

Well, I wouldn't want to be blinded if the reactor explodes. I'm not an idiot, Franco.

The very well-thought out experiment BACKFIRES, killing the WIFE of the ONE PERSON IN THE ROOM CAPABLE OF SUPERVILLAINY.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Jesus Christ, how does Oscorp make any money? Selling this shit to Wile E. Coyote?

ALFRED MOLINA is rushed to hospital to have his tentacles removed. DIRECTOR SAM RAIMI, briefly unencumbered by slavishly recreating the arc of a superhero film, pays homage to his earlier schlock horror catalogue in a hospital sequence that has nothing to do with the tone and flow of the movie. It is the BEST PART OF THE MOVIE.

ALFRED MOLINA

I will now have a conflicted internal monologue with metal appendages.

(Pause)

That's horrible!

(Pause)

I agree.

DIRECTOR SAM RAIMI

Hmm, that came across better in the last film when Willem Dafoe spoke to himself. Maybe the tentacles should have emitted more than an incoherent hissing noise.

Although willing to horrifically MURDER benevolent medical staff, ALFRED MOLINA plots to steal money from a bank instead of stealing or intimidating his way to research materials, because the laws of commerce are important to SUPERVILLAINS.

INT. THE BANK FROM 'THE MASK'

TOBEY MAGUIRE

You can't foreclose on my aunt! She's a sweet old lady, which should influence your reasoning because la la la sweet lady.

JOEL MCHALE

I couldn't care less, unless either of you can get me in a room with Chevy Chase.

They CAN'T. To relieve the awkwardness, ALFRED MOLINA attacks the bank. TOBEY MAGUIRE fights him with DATED CGI.

ALFRED MOLINA

Eat bags full of coins, Spider-Man!

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Coins? Really? You know your actual hands are free to carry guns, right?

ALFRED MOLINA is STRUCK, KICKED, ELBOWED and WEBBED, but is finally defeated by a blow from an OLD LADY'S UMBRELLA.

INT. CHARITY GALA

DANIEL GILLIES is introduced as the eventual MAN-WOLF, but the script decides to pursue him as a charmless romantic lead, because people go to SPIDER-MAN FILMS to see CLOSE-UPS OF KIRSTEN DUNST MOPING.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Wow, that was a waste of celluloid. Hey, James Franco.

JAMES FRANCO

You killed my father --

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Oh, crap!

JAMES FRANCO

-- through your negligence at not unveiling Spider-Man!

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Oh. Yes. Yes, that was me. Douchebag friend, right here.

EXT. NEW YORK

TOBEY MAGUIRE, beset by personal problems and girl trouble, can no longer SHOOT WEBBING ON COMMAND.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Thinly-veiled metaphor for impotence: check. This would be less gross in a film where the superhero's main power wasn't to discharge sticky silver fluid on a constant basis.

DIRECTOR SAM RAIMI

Don't worry, we'll give you back your powers at arbitrary moments that have nothing to do with the regaining of your confidence.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

I like the sound of that!

(pause)

Wait, does this mean that the first movie was a metaphor for discovering how to jerk off?

INT. CAFE

TOBEY MAGUIRE and KIRSTEN DUNST agonise over NOTHING for a few minutes before a GIANT FUCKING CAR is thrown at them both through the WINDOW, which they barely survive.

ALFRED MOLINA

Tobey Maguire, I was told you would know where to find Spider-Man! Your girlfriend dies if you don't tell me!

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Wow. Just wow. Do you always begin a line of questioning by throwing a car at someone's head?

ALFRED MOLINA

Um--

KIRSTEN DUNST

Yeah, and how effective a hostage did you think I'd be as a thin red paste on the floor?

ALFRED MOLINA

Er--

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Seriously, you're meant to be a scientist? I guess your PhD didn't cover the effect two tonnes of metal has when thrown at a human body.

EXT. TRAIN

TOBEY MAGUIRE and ALFRED MOLINA FIGHT. Then they FIGHT some more. Then they FIGHT a little bit, to mix it up.

ALFRED MOLINA

For God's sake, you've got super-strength and I'm pummelling you with fucking steel tentacles. What are we made of, teflon?

Eventually, through PLOT CONTRIVANCES, TOBEY MAGUIRE ends up inside the TRAIN, UNMASKED.

ADORABLE LITTLE KID

Here's your mask. We won't tell anyone what you look like.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Right. A subway full of New Yorkers promise not to use something for financial or personal gain. This is the biggest plot hole of all time.

TOBEY MAGUIRE is DEFEATED by a SINGLE BLOW from one of the TENTACLES that has been striking him for TWENTY SOLID MINUTES.

After some more TORTURED EXPOSITION, TOBEY MAGUIRE goes after ALFRED MOLINA, presumably for some more PRETEND FIGHTING.

INT. ALFRED MOLINA'S DOCKSIDE LAIR

ALFRED MOLINA

This went so well last time, I just had to try it again. Hopefully the next inevitable tragedy will leave me with metal Kraken teeth.

TOBEY MAGUIRE turns up, but is once again OVERMATCHED until unveiling the SECRET WEAPON OF ALL SUPERHEROES - a TRAGIC MONOLOGUE REMINDING THE VILLAIN OF THEIR FORMER SELVES.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Hey, remember when you told me that intelligence was to be used for the good of mankind? I think we should be moving away from the whole "power of the sun in my hand" fusion death reactor.

ALFRED MOLINA

But the tentacles won't let me!

(pause)

Actually, now I've shut them up with no apparent effort. What were you saying?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

You have to stop this.

ALFRED MOLINA

You're absolutely right! I will not die a monster!

ALFRED MOLINA dies with dignity, sinking to the bottom of the RIVER covered in METAL TENTACLES, trailing after his FAILED LIFE'S WORK in a TRENCHCOAT REAPPROPRIATED FROM A SEX OFFENDER'S WARDROBE.

INT. JAMES FRANCO'S MANOR

JAMES FRANCO is sad because TOBEY MAGUIRE killed his FATHER. He looks in the MIRROR and sees his FATHER, WILLEM DAFOE.

WILLEM DAFOE

I'm alive in you, son.

JAMES FRANCO

Wait, wait. Your delusions in the first movie were caused by the serum you injected into yourself. Alfred Molina's were caused by artificially intelligent robotic appendages. Am I just a whackjob?

WILLEM DAFOE

Sure, let's go with that. Anyway, AVENGE ME!

JAMES FRANCO panics and SHATTERS THE MIRROR, revealing all of his FATHER'S COOL SHIT.

JAMES FRANCO

This stuff worked so well on Tobey Maguire in the first movie, it's a no-fail plan!

INT. TOBEY MAGUIRE'S SHITTY APARTMENT

TOBEY MAGUIRE

We can't be together, Kirsten Dunst. It's too dangerous.

KIRSTEN DUNST

What if I tried to show fewer teeth when I smile?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Did I say "too dangerous"? I meant, "let's do this".

They KISS.

KIRSTEN DUNST

Well, for all the shortcomings, this was a pretty solid flick. It's definitely the best Spider-Man film that will ever get made.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Oh, I don't know, what if Director Sam Raimi makes a sequel--

KIRSTEN DUNST

Best. This one.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

You never know, someday there may even be a reboot of the whole--

KIRSTEN DUNST

Best.

END