FADE IN:

EXT. CGI GLOBE

OPENING TEXT

At the end of the 21st century, global chemical warfare left the planet nearly uninhabitable. Living space is now Earth's most valuable resource. Except for our blue-collar hero, Colin Farrell. He gets a pretty sweet multi-room apartment.

The GLOBE OSCILLATES, FOCUSING in on KEY LANDMASSES.

OPENING TEXT

Only two territories remain: the United Federation of Britain and Australia, which we'll call 'the Colony' to reinforce the probably-deserved stereotype that Australia is a convict wasteland. Also, even though this movie is set less than one hundred years from now and is set in Britain and Australia, don't panic: everyone talks 'Murican!

CUT TO:

INT. COLIN FARRELL'S PRETTY SWEET MULTI-ROOM APARTMENT

COLIN FARRELL awakens from a DEFINITELY NOT A FLASHBACK DREAM involving JESSICA BIEL, KILLER ROBOTS and LIGHTS that seem to exist only to trigger EPILEPTIC FITS.

COLIN FARRELL

Ahh! Dear God, what a terrible dream!

KATE BECKINSALE

Another nightmare, honey?

COLIN FARRELL

The same one. I'm trapped in a cynical and unnecessary remake of a goofy sci-fi classic. It was horrible!

KATE BECKINSALE

Oh, sweetie, don't worry. Just lie back and relax as the news broadcast drip-feeds the entire plot to the audience.

KATE BECKINSALE leaves for work. COLIN FARRELL allows the LENS FLARE to glisten off his ABS a little longer, then watches the NEWS.

NEWS ANCHOR

This just in: another terrorist attack was committed by BILL NIGHY -

The TELEVISION flashes a picture of BILL NIGHY.

NEWS ANCHOR

-which prompted condemnation from Chancellor BRYAN CRANSTON-

The TELEVISION flashes a picture of BRYAN CRANSTON.

NEWS ANCHOR

-but Bill Nighy's RIGHT HAND MAN remains at large!

The TELEVISION SCREEN remains blank. What a mystery!

CUT TO:

EXT. STOLEN BLADE RUNNER SET

COLIN FARRELL mopes his way through a very familiar ASIAN-EUROPEAN HYBRID SCI-FI BACKDROP. Somewhere, RIDLEY SCOTT picks up his PHONE and calls his LAWYERS.

ADVERTISEMENT

Hey, you! Do you want a dubious solution to your existential angst? Call Rekall, we'll put memories in your head!

COLIN FARRELL

Hmm, that's actually a profound idea: the commodification of our memories and experiences.

TERRIFIED of stumbling across an interesting point from the source material, the FILM rapidly cuts away to another scene.

CUT TO:

EXT. SERIOUSLY, I THINK THEY STOLE THE BLADE RUNNER SET

COLIN FARRELL meets up with his buddy, BOKEEM WOODBINE.

BOKEEM WOODBINE

Hey Colin, ready to go to work?

COLIN FARRELL

Bokeem, is that you? There's so much goddamn lens flare on the screen, I think J.J. Abrams may have jizzed on the film reel.

BOKEEM WOODBINE

Oh, Colin. You're so fresh. Let's banter awkwardly to reveal our complete lack of chemistry!

COLIN FARRELL

Actually, let's not, it'll cut into my opportunities to look pained and slightly constipated.

BOKEEM WOODBINE

Fair enough. How about we travel to work on this gravity elevator which travels through the centre of the earth?

COLIN FARRELL

You know, it's funny. I read a book once that seemed to suggest the centre of the earth was, you know, molten or something. I wouldn't have thought you could build a subway through it.

BOKEEM WOODBINE

Well, as long as later you don't have to do any fight scenes OUTSIDE the elevator, where you'd be instantly incinerated, I'm sure you'll be gravy!

They HIGH-FIVE.

CUT TO:

EXT. ...IS THIS EVEN LEGAL?

COLIN FARRELL walks to REKALL, but not before getting accosted by a WOMAN WITH THREE BOOBS.

MULTI-BREASTED WOMAN

Is this what you're looking for?

COLIN FARRELL

Well, there's no mutant sub-plot in this remake, so your surplus knockers will be A) completely nonsensical for people who didn't see the original and B) a sad reminder that - and I'll never say this again, ever - the Schwarzenegger film made more sense.

MULTI-BREASTED WOMAN

Your arguments have some merit. However, to rebut your position: three boobs.

COLIN FARRELL

Good point.

CUT TO:

INT. REKALL OFFICES

COLIN FARRELL meets with his REKALL engineer, JOHN CHO.

COLIN FARRELL

OK, John, fix me up with an awesome memory about being a secret agent. And I swear, if I wake up thinking I want to go to White Castle, I'll end you.

JOHN CHO

No problem, dude.

COLIN FARRELL

These memories, though; they're not real, are they?

JOHN CHO

What is real? Perception is just chemical signals interpreted by your brain-

COLIN FARRELL

Whoa, whoa, ease up there, Laurence Fishburne. Let's not rape and pillage every sci-fi film in existence. Just start the procedure, already!

The PROCEDURE GOES WRONG (though not as entertainingly as the original). CHANCELLOR BRYAN CRANSTON'S STORMTROOPERS enter and KILL JOHN CHO!

COLIN FARRELL

Wait, don't shoot! This is a misunderstanding!

STORMTROOPER

Alright, we won't shoot.

COLIN FARRELL

Well, this is awkward. I guess this is the end of the film unless I FREAK OUT AND KILL EVERYONE WHILE THE CAMERA GOES BATSHIT CRAZY!

He DOES! And IT DOES! COLIN FARRELL escapes through a HOLE in the FLOOR which exists for REASONS.

CUT TO:

INT. COLIN FARRELL'S PRETTY SWEET MULTI-ROOM APARTMENT

COLIN FARRELL

Kate Beckinsale, you have to help me! I killed a horde of armed men, there's something hidden inside my brain and I indirectly caused the death of Mr Sulu!

KATE BECKINSALE

It's OK, Colin. Just hug me and everything will be fine.

KATE BECKINSALE hugs COLIN FARRELL tight, then stares into the middle distance with STEELY DETERMINATION.

COLIN FARRELL

...are you trying to smother me against your boobs?

KATE BECKINSALE

(sudden British accent)

Yes. I admit, I didn't think this through. Anyway, die!

COLIN FARRELL and KATE BECKINSALE beat each other up. COLIN FARRELL wins, because KATE BECKINSALE is not GINA CARANO.

COLIN FARRELL

Kate Beckinsale, why are you trying to kill me?! And why are you suddenly talking like you're from foggy London Town?!

KATE BECKINSALE

I'm not your wife. I'm an undercover agent of the villainous British Empire, sent to monitor you because apparently they don't have CCTV in the future.

COLIN FARRELL

Crap, I'd better get out of here. Richter will be bursting through that door any moment -

KATE BECKINSALE

There's no Richter.

COLIN FARRELL

No Richter?

KATE BECKINSALE

No Richter. The director wrote out a list of the most popular bits of the original film worth preserving for the remake, spilled coffee all over it, and could only make out "triple-breasted woman".

COLIN FARRELL

But...but...who's going to see me at the party?

KATE BECKINSALE punches THE AIR NEXT TO COLIN FARRELL some more, prompting COLIN FARRELL to RUN AWAY!

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY

COLIN FARRELL runs and runs and runs.

COLIN FARRELL

Let's recreate a blander version of the tracking-bug-in-the-nose scene from the original!

COLIN FARRELL runs some more.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL

COLIN FARRELL

Let's recreate a blander version of the video-message-from-myself scene from the original!

Deciding not to buck an emerging trend, COLIN FARRELL runs away.

CUT TO:

INT. CUSTOMS

COLIN FARRELL

Let's recreate a blander version of the "two-weeks" scene from the original -

JESSICA BIEL turns up in a HOVERCAR.

JESSICA BIEL

Colin, let's get out of here!

COLIN FARRELL

Oh, thank God.

JESSICA BIEL

I've been looking for you everywhere, Colin. I'm your love interest from when you were a reformed dick. Thank goodness I knew exactly where to pick you up from, even though we've clearly established that I didn't know what your plan was, your plan was entirely improvised and, in any event, a complete cock-up.

COLIN FARRELL

Kate Beckinsale and her band of CGI robots will hound me wherever I run! I've got to get my ass to Mars -

JESSICA BIEL

No Mars.

COLIN FARRELL

No Mars? Seriously?

JESSICA BIEL

List. Coffee. Be glad you got the tri-tittied extra.

COLIN FARRELL

Well, I guess some more prefab white and gunmetal grey interiors will have to do. *Sigh*

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING

More vapid soul-searching and tail-chasing ensues. Eventually, COLIN FARRELL and JESSICA BIEL find COLIN FARRELL'S original apartment. COLIN FARRELL sits down in front of his old PIANO.

COLIN FARRELL

Hmm. Perhaps playing the piano will inject this film with an artificial sense of dignity.

COLIN PLAYS, triggering another VIDEO RECORDING of PAST COLIN FARRELL!

PAST COLIN FARRELL

(Actual line)

Hello, Colin. This recording has limited interactive capability.

COLIN FARRELL

But it's a recording. That makes no sense whatsoever.

PAST COLIN FARRELL

I will begin by recording an answer to any questions you may have for me about aardvarks.

COLIN FARRELL and JESSICA BIEL run from the apartment, but are surrounded by STORMTROOPERS - and BOKEEM WOODBINE!

BOKEEM WOODBINE

Colin, as your magical black friend, I've been sent inside your damaged mind to help you. You can't trust Jessica Biel's judgment - she's not real.

JESSICA BIEL

Don't trust Bokeem's judgement! He was in a M Night Shyamalan film! The most recent one!

BOKEEM WOODBINE

You're not really here, you're still back at Rekall! I'm not invested in the outcome of this - none of this is real.

COLIN FARRELL

Seriously? You're wearing a BULLET-PROOF MOTHERFUCKING VEST.

BOKEEM WOODBINE

Er... it's a futuristic fashion statement?

COLIN shoots BOKEEM and runs.

CUT TO:

INT. REBEL BASE

JESSICA BIEL

Alright, Colin. I feel like we've really gotten close to each other in the past few hours. Running from Kate Beckinsale, running from robots, shooting Bokeem Woodbine...

COLIN FARRELL

It's been an emotional rollercoaster.

JESSICA BIEL

I couldn't agree more. So I finally trust you enough to take you to Bill Nighy.

COLIN reaches the REBEL BASE, populated with GRIMY DREADLOCKED ETHNIC MINORITIES and BILL NIGHY.

BILL NIGHY

Hello, Colin. Why are you here?

COLIN FARRELL

Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to look at your belly, but...

BILL NIGHY

But you already know the truth, don't you?

COLIN FARRELL

No gross animatronic fetus puppet?

BILL NIGHY

I'm sorry, son. Disappointments all round. Let's just go through some more 'Matrix' theory-of-consciousness bullshit and strap you into another memory machine.

COLIN FARRELL is strapped into another CHAIR and MEMORY-PROBED. Suddenly, CHANCELLOR BRYAN CRANSTON'S TRAP is SPRUNG and the HEROES are CAPTURED!

CHANCELLOR BRYAN CRANSTON

Hello, Bill Nighy.

BILL NIGHY

Cranston! You boundless reservoir of rubber-faced slapstick or simmering rage, depending on what the role calls for!

CHANCELLOR BRYAN CRANSTON

I can't believe you fell for my scheme, Nighy. The old wipe-an-elite-solider's-memory-then-leave-him-in-a-dead-end-job-until-he-leads-me-to-the-rebel-leader-in-the-vain-hope-that-his-memory-won't-be-reactivated-by-a-common-medical-procedure-triggering-a-massive-chase-and-counterintuitive-attempts-by-rogue-agents-to-kill-said-sleeper-agent trick. Oldest trick in the book! Anyway, I've got a joke for you. Say "knock knock".

BILL NIGHY

Uh... knock knock?

CHANCELLOR BRYAN CRANSTON

I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!

CRANSTON shoots BILL NIGHY.

JESSICA BIEL

No!

CHANCELLOR BRYAN CRANSTON

Perfect. Now, plug Colin Farrell back into the machine and turn him into a dick again. I'm going to go assault all of Bill Nighy's remaining bases, leaving me free to plunder all of Australia's precious natural resources: living space, alcoholism and Hugh Jackman!

CRANSTON leaves. Immediately, COLIN FARRELL escapes and kills EVERYONE.

COLIN FARRELL

It's good to know that even in the future, evil dictators feel the need to excuse themselves from the room before the heroes are conclusively dispatched.

CUT TO:

EXT. HANGAR

COLIN FARRELL kills his way to BRYAN CRANSTON with ADMITTINGLY IMPRESSIVE SPEED.

CHANCELLOR BRYAN CRANSTON

Alright, that's it. You may have killed legions of highly-trained guards, armour-plated robots and living weapons, but can you handle...a middle-aged politician?!

COLIN FARRELL and BRYAN CRANSTON fight. It is, quite frankly, EMBARRASSING.

CHANCELLOR BRYAN CRANSTON

You could have had it all, Colin! Money, power, all the Kate Beckinsale you wanted!

COLIN FARRELL

NEVER! ...wait, does she still have that leather bodysuit from 'Underworld'?

CHANCELLOR BRYAN CRANSTON

No, I think she had to give that back.

COLIN FARRELL

Then NEVER!

COLIN FARRELL kills BRYAN CRANSTON. Something BLOWS UP for COLIN to jump away from.

CUT TO:

INT. MEDIBAY

COLIN wakes up being treated by JESSICA BIEL.

"JESSICA BIEL"

Surprise! I'm Kate Beckinsale in disguise! I used the holographic whatever from earlier in the film to get close to you!

COLIN FARRELL

You do know I was just unconscious, right? You could have been dressed in a clown suit and I wouldn't have noticed.

KATE BECKINSALE

Well, shoot.

COLIN FARRELL

If you insist!

COLIN FARRELL kills KATE BECKINSALE. The REAL JESSICA BIEL turns up and HUGS COLIN.

JESSICA BIEL

We did it! Cranston is dead! Now we can begin the violent and painful process of deposing the remaining nine-tenths of his murderous dictatorship, no doubt resulting in thousands of deaths and untold destruction.

COLIN FARRELL

I guess I would have caused significantly less pain and suffering if I had remained a bad guy. How funny is that!

They HIGH-FIVE.

END