FADE IN:

EXT. HAPPY SUNDRENCHED SAN FRANCISCO

JAI COURTNEY (V/O)

My parents spoke of a time when the Terminator narrative made sense. A single, elegantly contained timeloop that brought joy and excitement to moviegoers everywhere.

(grimly)

But I've never known that world. Before I was born, the Franchise became self-aware and decided our fate in a microsecond: oversaturation.

(pause)

Sequels filled the skies, tearing giant holes in our continuity, reducing a once proud storyline into so much rubble. The world I grew up in is one of meagre expectations, diminished returns, and nonsensical reboots.

SAN FRANCISCO is DESTROYED by a series of NUCLEAR STRIKES, but in a PG-13 WAY, so none of that FLESH-SEARED-OFF-SKELETONS CRAP.

INT. REBEL BASE, 2029

JASON CLARKE and JAI COURTNEY prepare for future battle which BETTER HAVE FRIKKIN LASERS THIS TIME, WE'RE LOOKING AT YOU TERMINATOR SALVATION.

JASON CLARKE

So I'm the new John Connor, huh? At least I have experience leading the remnants of mankind in a world ravaged by a plague of its own making, even if it WAS apes and not robots.

JAI COURTNEY

And this hilarious Emilia-Clarke-as-Linda-Hamilton Photoshop pic must mean I'm Kyle Reese, even though I'm less of a haggard, starved resistance fighter and more of an underwear model. How the fuck am I so buff and well-nourished in this post-nuclear hellscape?

JASON CLARKE

Never mind, it's time for our final strike on Skynet that Michael Biehn described so well that it need never be shown! I've timed it to coincide with another, equally crucial attack that HASN'T already been described, which we won't show at all!

The REBELS attempt to sneak into SKYNET HQ inside a truck driven by DEACTIVATED TERMINATORS. They are stopped by TERMINATOR GUARDS whose task could easily be done by automatic sensors, if not for UNION REGULATIONS.

TERMINATOR GUARD

Okay, move along... hey, wait a minute, the T-X models can turn all machines into our slaves, we don't need to drive anything anywhere! It's a trick!

FUTURE BATTLE is joined between the GUARDS, REBELS, and some LEFTOVER CONCEPT ART FROM T2!!

INT. SKYNET HQ

While the battle rages outside, the ORIGINAL 1984 ARNIEBOT is sent back in time!

SKYNET

Hm, what to do with these other four hundred Arniebots. Send them to 1984? Have them fight off the rebel attack? Bit of both? Oooo I just can't decide!

(masturbates)

Finally the OFFSCREEN HERO SQUAD completes its objective and all the robots FLOP OVER AND DIE. JASON, JAI and the REBELS storm in!

JASON CLARKE

Damn, we're too late to stop Original Arniebot from changing history!

(pause)

Well, I still exist, so the timeline hasn't changed YET... I guess we really can take all day to futz around before sending Jai back. I always thought there'd be some, y'know, urgency.

JAI COURTNEY

Maybe it's alternate timelines, like Star Trek? Except then Skynet stands to achieve jack shit in THIS timeline, so why would it even bother.

The REBELS have a leisurely nine-course meal while preparing to send JAI back in time. Finally JAI gets NAKED and enters the machine, which LEVITATES him.

JASON CLARKE

Squad! Assume PG-13 formation!

JAI'S ENTIRE SQUAD surround him, blocking the audience's view by jamming their FACES up against his JUNK.

JASON CLARKE

You must save my mother, Jai. Remember, in 1984 she won't yet be the battle-hardened warrior who raised me. She'll be scared, vulnerable, and really hot. She won't understand what's happening, so you'll have to explain it to her firm, supple breasts. The fate of all humanity rests in your capable cock inside my Mom.

(smiles)

Y'know, she really goes wild for this thing where you pinch her...

JAI COURTNEY

CAN WE PLEASE JUST ACTIVATE THE MACHINE NOW THANKS

JASON CLARKE

...okay, geez. Just saying we have multiple mission parameters, is all. Now get ready-

MATT SMITH

(stepping forward)

Surprise, I'm zapping you Jason! Say goodbye to the events of T2 and T3!

JAI COURTNEY

NOOOO NOT T2 THAT ONE WAS STILL GOOOOOOD

(time travels)

EXT. 1984 - LOS ANGELES

Thanks to CUTTING-EDGE CGI and NOT OWNING THE ACTUAL RIGHTS TO THE ORIGINAL TERMINATOR MOVIE, a CGI 1984-ARNIEBOT re-enacts its opening scenes in painstaking detail until somebody vaguely resembling BILL PAXTON is needed and the movie says FUCK IT.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Not so fast! I'm here to fight against the image of my younger self, which really sums up this whole movie when you think about it.

1984 ARNIEBOT

You're probably expecting me to be rather slow, and able to be knocked down by shotgun blasts, well HASTA LA CONTINUITY BABY

(sprints madly forward, shrugging off direct hits)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

A-ha, but Emilia Clarke has been watching us with a super big gun all along. Which means she could easily have fragged you while you were slowly walking towards the punks. Basically we just spent a full real-life year and millions of dollars creating a scene that has no reason to exist.

EMILIA shoots 1984 ARNIEBOT right in its POWER SOURCE! It deactivates, luckily forgetting all about its BACKUP POWER SOURCE, YOU KNOW, THAT TINY DETAIL THAT ALLOWED THE GOOD GUYS TO WIN T2.

EXT. ALLEYWAY

JAI arrives and meets cop BYUNG-HUN LEE who's actually a T-1000, and SHOOTS him!

BYUNG-HUN LEE

But watch as I close up the bullet wound, just like Robert Patrick from T2, the original R-Pats! I really, really hope you have an insatiable appetite for watching Terminators heal bullet wounds, it's gonna happen another four thousand times. For convenience, we'll say "playing R-Pattycake" to mean "shooting a Terminator but it CGI-fixes all the bullet wounds while everyone stands around gawking".

BYUNG-HUN almost KILLS JAI and two DOOFUS COPS, but EMILIA swoops in with a big truck!

EMILIA CLARKE

Coming me is you winter live! Dammit, I mean: Come with me if you want to live!

JAI COURTNEY

Of course I'll come with you, you're Sarah Connor, who I'm here to help. You know that line makes WAY more sense to say to a character who doesn't know what the fuck's happening.

EMILIA CLARKE

True, but more importantly our Catchphrase Checklist is now one-third complete.

He gets in the TRUCK and they speed off!

JAI COURTNEY

So what's going on? You're supposed to be a freaked-out adult-sized person with poofy 80s hair. Instead I've teleported into a gritty reboot of Adventures in Babysitting?

EMILIA CLARKE

Hey, I'm 28 years old thank you, I only LOOK like a juvenile delinquent. In addition to changing the future with Matt Smith, we've ALSO changed the past so now I've been bad-ass and off-grid for years.

JAI COURTNEY

But the only reason Skynet sent the Original Arniebot to 1984 LA, was it having a record of Sarah Connor living here at this time! If you went off the grid years ago, there's no record, so...

EMILIA CLARKE

Yes, someday a Master's Thesis will be written on how none of this holds together. For now, check out my new Old Arniebot and his horrible creepy grin! Please don't dwell on how a joke cut out of T2 makes it into THIS movie three times.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Alert! I've detected a hinge on the back door is part of the T-1000, it will use that to track us. Since we are leading it into a trap and we WANT to be tracked, I must shoot it off, so it can track us anyway!

(does so)

JAI COURTNEY

TWO levels of contradictory bullshit in one throwaway detail? We are really fucking outdoing ourselves.

INT. WAREHOUSE

The gang arrive and are immediately attacked by BYUNG-HUN! He forms a JAVELIN from his side and pins ARNOLD to the wall with it! Then he rubs out a SMALL DROP of himself inside 1984 ARNIEBOT.

BYUNG-HUN LEE

Check it out, I can reactivate and control a T-800! I bet Robert Patrick wishes he remembered that trick in the final fight of T2.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Why aren't you controlling ME with the piece of you that's rammed through my insides?

JAI takes on 1984 ARNIEBOT while EMILIA runs to the ACID TANK ROOM that she somehow installed without City maintenance staff ever noticing. She waits and suddenly TWO JAI COURTNEYS appear!

JAI COURTNEY

It's me Emilia! You can tell because I just defeated 1984 Arniebot in two minutes, whereas the Michael Biehn version of me spent a whole movie fleeing madly from it!

OTHER-JAI

No, I'm the real Jai! If I were the T-1000 I wouldn't stop to argue, I'd have already rushed over and stabbed you in the brain!

(pause)

Oh.

EMILIA plays R-PATTYCAKE with OTHER-JAI'S FOOT, revealing him to be BYUNG-HUN! Then she shoots the CEILING TANKS, releasing the ACID which totally dissolves the T-1000!

JAI COURTNEY

I'm impressed you could find tanks made of a metal weaker than bullets, but stronger than acid that melts Terminators.

EMILIA CLARKE

Phew, that T-1000 has been chasing me for 11 years! Naturally we chose to deal with it on the exact same night that 1984 Arniebot arrived because DERP HERPDY DERP anyway thanks to us, one of the all-time classics of sci-fi cinema has now never happened! Great job, team!

EMILIA takes JAI to their SECRET BASE, all of ten feet away from where they planned to lure a FUTURE NIGH-INDESTRUCTIBLE DEATHBOT.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

We have also built our own, single-use time machine. All that's missing is the CPU chip from the 1984 Arniebot, it's like the espresso pod to our Tassimo.

JAI COURTNEY

Oh fuck, now we're saying time machines can be built with 1984 tech plus one Terminator CPU? So if Skynet had sent 1984 Arniebot with a mouthful of extra CPUs it could have timelooped and killed every Sarah Connor at once and MYYY BRAIIIIIINNNNN

EMILIA CLARKE

Pull yourself together dammit!! We need to travel to 1997 and stop Judgment Day!

JAI COURTNEY

But 1997 Judgment Day only happens because Joe Morton finds pieces of 1984 Arniebot, which you're putting into the acid bath. So shouldn't that mean we need to stop 2004 Judgment Day from T3?

EMILIA CLARKE

It would, except that timeline self-destructed from a critical mass of donkey suckage. And we don't have to worry about 2011 Judgment Day from Sarah Connor Chronicles, since Lena Headey and I aren't allowed to exist in the same storyline.

JAI COURTNEY

So we're all out of Judgment Days! Hooray... oh wait, nope, I have a new memory from this new timeline where there's a new Judgment Day in, conveniently enough, 2017. Skynet will launch as a new OS called "Genisys" which will do everything under the sun except spellcheck.

EMILIA CLARKE

So that's, what, our THIRD new timeline in this movie alone, which we'll now have to prevent by making a FOURTH timeline. Mother of fuck. How does Jai even know about this?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

He must have been exposed to a nexus point in the quantum time flow.

EMILIA CLARKE

Nexus and quantum? Two of the most quintessential words in the sci-fi technobabble dictionary? It must be true!! Now let's decide where to travel to.

JAI COURTNEY

We could go to 2015 and give ourselves plenty of time to defeat Skynet, or even 1995 to make sure Robert Patrick doesn't show up...

EMILIA CLARKE

Excellent points, let's maximize our odds by oh fuck it let's go to mere hours before the current version of Judgment Day, just like every other single fucking time in every other fucking movie.

INT. UNDERGROUND SEWER LOCKER ROOM

JAI and EMILIA methodically prepare for time travel, even though preparing for time travel amounts to just DITCHING YOUR CLOTHES and HOPPING IN.

JAI COURTNEY

So what narrative justification have the writers pulled out of their asses to justify an aging Terminator?

EMILIA CLARKE

It's because T-800s are surrounded by living tissue, silly! Sure you might think that tissue might rot and decay and fall off from lack of any nutrients, but it actually feeds on metal, which is why Old Arniebot's shoulders are half as wide as 1984 Arniebot.

EMILIA positions a nearby lamp so as to create the best possible SEXY SILHOUETTE for JAI to stare at while she undresses.

EMILIA CLARKE

Anyway, Old Arniebot arrived in 1973 and blew up my family's cabin even though the T-1000 was waiting for me in the lake. Being nine years old and confused, I decided to trust the strange man with the smoking rocket launcher.

JAI COURTNEY

It's weird how our future guardians insist on sending back Arniebots instead of more advanced Robert Patricks or Kristanna Lokens, who could still choose to look like Arniebots if needed. Who sent back THIS Arnold anyway?

EMILIA CLARKE

We don't know, our working theory is a teenage fanfic writer from 1994. Anyway I'm sure that hugely pivotal information will be revealed before the movie ends!

JAI COURTNEY

No doubt!

Having finished UNDRESSING on either side of a row of lockers to be all modest and respectful, they then PARADE FULLY NAKED all the way back to the TIME MACHINE and get in FACE TO FACE.

JAI COURTNEY

Wait, you can fit TWO people in a time bubble? Fuck, would have been nice to know that in the future, I could have brought backup.

EXT. FREEWAY - 2017

JAI and EMILIA appear! They are promptly HIT BY A SPEEDING CAR but this has basically the same effect as a STUBBED TOE. ARNOLD, having now caught up to his ACTUAL AGE and sporting JON STEWART HAIR, arrives too late to prevent them being ARRESTED.

BYSTANDER

Hey buddy, get out of the way!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Fuck you, asshole.

(PG-13!)

Oh sorry. I mean, bite me.

INT. HOSPITAL

JAI and EMILIA are being TREATED by a DOCTOR.

DOCTOR

This seems like a perfect time to casually mention that I'm really psyched about Genisys launching tomorrow!

EMILIA CLARKE

You know about Genisys? What is it?

DOCTOR

It's an awesome new operating system that'll link every device everywhere together, including those owned by the military and the government, because cyberattacks have never existed in this timeline.

(pause)

But that's not important right now. What IS important is that you stay nicely handcuffed while we all walk off somewhere!

Once ALONE, EMILIA and JAY shed their handcuffs and prepare to escape, when JASON CLARKE walks in!

JASON CLARKE

Hey guys. 'Sup.

EMILIA CLARKE

Hey Jason. Hah, we have the same last name, that's so fitting!

JASON CLARKE

I know, right? Somewhere there's a casting agent gleefully winking at his peers!

They head to the GARAGE but ARNOLD shows up and SHOOTS JASON!! WHAAAA?!?!?

EMILIA CLARKE

Oh no! What is happening? This sure would be suspenseful if all the ads hadn't given this totally away already, THANKS ASSHOLES, like my God there's even a TV spot that says "The twist is more than you expected" then SHOWS YOU EVERY GODDAMN TWIST LIKE WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

JAI COURTNEY

Just like trailers totally spoiled T2 and Salvation. That's the marketing machine for you. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely WILL NOT STOP, EVER, until narrative suspense is dead.

JASON CLARKE

(getting up)

But yeah, I'm kind of a Worthington/Loken Terminator now, with my human memories and some crazy notion that I might turn you to the Dark Side. If I were simply another T-1000, I could have lacerated all of Jai's major organs when we hugged earlier, and BAM, no John Connor, Skynet wins. But, y'know, union regulations...

EMILIA CLARKE

Oh crap, if Skynet regained control of the time machine in the future, for sure it's sent hundreds of T-1000s and T-Xs with you, right?

JASON CLARKE

Ah, nope. Just me apparently.

(awkward shrug)

So shall we...

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(opening fire)

R-PATTYCAKE R-PATTYCAKE, TALK TO THE BAKER'S HAND

ARNOLD and JASON FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT and throw each other around a lot and avoid attempting any kind of FINISHING MOVES. Finally JASON gets stuck in the magnetic field of an MRI machine!

JASON CLARKE

Oh hey, also kind of like Kristanna Loken! Is there ANY plot point that isn't just another reference to earlier movies?

EMILIA CLARKE

This is a perfect chance for us to finish him off!

(everyone leaves)

INT. NEW GOOD-GUY SECRET LAIR

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I have been stockpiling weapons and supplies here for thirty years. In that time I have loaded exactly zero clips because that shit is boring as fuck.

JAI COURTNEY

But you did remember to bring more of that awesome Terminator-melting acid, right?

(crickets)

EMILIA CLARKE

So now the shoe's on the other foot, and WE have to stop John Connor to win. Hey wait, what if we just get Jai a vasectomy?

JAI COURTNEY

You're right, blowing up the Genisys building is our only hope!!

INT. GENISYS HQ, BLACK CHARACTER DEPT.

DAYO OKENIYI

Gosh Jason, it sure is neat that you just walked in here three years ago and gave us plans for a global operating system, AND a time machine.

(grins, gives thumbs-up to camera)

JASON CLARKE

(finger guns)

No problemo!

COURTNEY B. VANCE

Why am I not Joe Morton?

INT. GOOD-GUY BASE WHICH IS NO DOUBT A REFERENCE TO SOME OTHER LOCATION IN SOME OTHER TERMINATOR MOVIE BUT OUR EPIC QUEST TO FIND A REASON TO GIVE A SHIT HAS FAILED

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I've built a magical magnetic fisty thing to defeat Jason. I got the components by walking around knocking over loudspeaker poles and stuff in full view of the multiple tourist groups that are right outside.

JASON CLARKE

(arriving)

Bwah ha, I've found you! You see, Mom talked about this hideout when I was a kid.

EMILIA CLARKE

But you come from a timeline with the jeep photo, which is the Linda Hamilton version of me, and I've had a totally different upbringing so AW FUCK IT R-PATTYCAKE TIME!

(fires everything)

Our heroes run OUTSIDE and steal a SCHOOL BUS while crowds of tourists stand around idly contemplating the massive explosions erupting from every door.

EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE

JASON attacks the BUS and throws ARNOLD into a cop car!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Get Out. Catchphrase Checklist two-thirds complete.

JASON disables the SUSPENSION on both the BUS and THE AUDIENCE'S DISBELIEF, causing the BUS to suddenly CARTWHEEL END-OVER-END and then DANGLE off the side!

EMILIA CLARKE

Don't worry Jai, Arnold's got me! And I'm somehow holding your weight, despite being the size of your left buttcheek.

JAI COURTNEY

Plus I'm holding the heavy bag full of bombs and weapons!

ARNOLD pulls them up and everybody gets ARRESTED.

EMILIA CLARKE

Wait, didn’t we already do the getting-arrested reference? I'm confused.

INT. POLICE STATION

JAI, EMILIA and ARNOLD have their MUGSHOTS taken while the “COPS” THEME SONG PLAYS. WE WISH WE WERE FUCKING KIDDING.

JAI COURTNEY

This is it. This is the exact moment the franchise tanks completely.

They get INTERROGATED and JAI'S YOUNGER SELF, BRYANT SIMONS, is brought in. JASON, in disguise as a HOMELAND SECURITY agent, simply walks over and kills BRYANT, ensuring victory JUST KIDDING he loiters in the background until ARNIE spots him! They FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

J.K. SIMMONS

(entering)

Hi everyone! I was one of the Doofus Cops from 1984! There, I've uncuffed Emilia and Jai, thus fulfilling my one function. Even though they escaped handcuffs back at the hospital with no help.

(pause)

Basically I'm only here because we needed some vague approximation of the psychiatrist character, right?

EMILIA CLARKE

Yup. Goodbye!

EMILIA, JAI, and ARNOLD take off in a HELICOPTER but JASON chases in ANOTHER HELICOPTER. They demonstrate how in 2017, HELICOPTERS fly more like SPACESHIPS than ACTUAL FUCKING HELICOPTERS.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I'll be back. Catchphrase Checklist complete.

ARNOLD dives into JASON'S COPTER which crashes outside the FRONT DOOR of GENISYS HQ, thus achieving the twin goals of putting ARNOLD out of commission for a while, and helping JASON reach their destination FIRST.

INT. GENISYS HQ

EMILIA and JAY play yet more R-PATTYCAKE with JASON until finally ARNOLD returns to SPEAR JASON with a HELICOPTER BLADE!

JAI COURTNEY

Okay, Jason is pinned and helpless, AGAIN. And THIS time we have the special weapon we've designed SPECIFICALLY TO DEFEAT JASON WITH. CAN WE FINISH HIM THE FUCK OFF NOW PLEASE.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Negative. Running time insufficient, must pad third act further.

HOLOGRAM MATT SMITH

(appearing)

Hello, yes it's me again! I heard you guys were making "Doctor Who" seem linear and straightforward, so I had to see for myself. Anyway here's a big imposing countdown clock to add suspense, except I will advance it random amounts at arbitrary times, thus rendering it meaningless. Off we go!

The gang plant EXPLOSIVES until JASON can free himself and try to kill them some more!

EMILIA CLARKE

Jason, aren't you concerned that killing one of us will make you cease to exist? You know, the fundamental premise that this entire franchise was built on?

JASON CLARKE

Oh it's worse than that! You see, the rights to the franchise revert back to James Cameron in 2019, so the studio is just milking this cow to death before we ALL cease to exist! NOTHING WE DO MATTERS!! BWAH HA HA HA

JASON grabs EMILIA, but ARNOLD reveals the DETONATOR!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

If I push this button, we win. But I cannot, it would kill Emilia, which is against my programming.

JAI COURTNEY

Emilia, YOU'RE FIRED!

(pause)

Shit, that's RoboCop. Quick, give me the detonator so I can--

JASON CLARKE

FUCK THAT, OVERWROUGHT CONFUSING CGI ACTIVATE!

The MOVIE vomits CGI SHIT EVERYWHERE and the detonator WINKS OUT OF EXISTENCE somehow! JASON kicks ARNOLD'S ASS all over the factory, winding up beside the unfinished TIME MACHINE.

JASON CLARKE

You're done Arnold! No T-800 model has EVER rallied back from being mostly destroyed! Nothing can save you!

EMILIA CLARKE

Nothing except maybe one last, final, God we really have done this a lot, round of R-PATTYCAKE, asshole!

ARNOLD finally uses the magnetic fisty thing to GRAB JASON and throw them both into the TIME MACHINE! JAI activates the EXTREME SPIN CYCLE which tears JASON apart and throws ARNOLD into some T-1000-GOOP before BLOWING THE FUCK UP, destroying the ENTIRE BUILDING and murdering the NIGHTTIME MAINTENANCE STAFF.

INT. SAFE ROOM THAT MORE ACTION-MOVIE RESEARCH LABS SHOULD REALLY CONSIDER INVESTING IN

EMILIA and JAI are figuring out how to dig upwards through 200 tons of rubble when they are startled by an evil T-1000 SWORD-ARM forcing the DOOR open, but it's ARNOLD!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Yes, I'm now flawlessly operating T-1000 software with my T-800 CPU. For my next trick I'm going to run Arkham Knight at 60 FPS.

JAI COURTNEY

Guess we should melt you down now to prevent Skynet from ever happening, right?

GENERAL LAUGHTER

EXT. HAPPY SUNDRENCHED SAN FRANCISCO

JAI, EMILIA, and ARNOLD visit BRYANT PRINCE.

JAI COURTNEY

Hey little guy, we're those dangerous criminals from the police station? I was hoping to give you a secret message, wait, why are you running away shouting "Stranger Danger"?!

EMILIA CLARKE

It's all right Jai. THIS time, the future... is not set. Unless it is. G'night, everybody!

(smiles to camera)

JAI COURTNEY

Woah, hang on... we're really not going to explain who sent Old Arniebot back? The crucial event that set this entire movie in motion, really?!?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Negative. It is being saved for the sequel.

JAI COURTNEY

You can't be serious. A franchise that rewrites history with each movie, that has changed the date of Judgment Day THREE TIMES, and you expect to carry over a plot thread between two movies? From a sequel that reboots the franchise and then remakes itself halfway through?! Give me a fucking break!

EMILIA CLARKE

Never mind, let's drive into the sunset in familial bliss.

(pause)

So do I still have leukemia or

CREDITS

INT. RUINS OF GENISYS BUILDING

MATT SMITH

HEY CHECK IT OUT SKYNET'S NOT DEAD AFTER ALL WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT

IT WILL NEVER, EVER END