"Okay okay, you were right, buses fly worse than dragons!!"

TERMINATOR: GENISYS [AUTHOR'S CUT]

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. HAPPY SUNDRENCHED SAN FRANCISCO

ESTABLISHING SHOTS of VERDANT LANDSCAPES and CHILDREN PLAYING WITH GUMDROP SMILES are soiled by a VOICE-OVER from JAI COURTNEY.

JAI COURTNEY (V/O)

My parents spoke of a time when the Terminator narrative made sense. A single, elegantly contained timeloop that brought joy and excitement to moviegoers everywhere.

(grimly)

But I've never known that world. Before I was born, the Franchise became self-aware and decided our fate in a microsecond: oversaturation.

(pause)

Sequels filled the skies, tearing giant holes in our continuity, reducing a once proud storyline into so much rubble. The world I grew up in is one of meagre expectations, diminished returns, and nonsensical reboots.

SAN FRANCISCO is DESTROYED by a series of NUCLEAR STRIKES, but in a PG-13 WAY, so none of that FLESH-SEARED-OFF-SKELETONS CRAP.

INT. REBEL BASE, 2029

JASON CLARKE and JAI COURTNEY prepare for future battle which BETTER HAVE FRIKKIN LASERS THIS TIME, WE'RE LOOKING AT YOU TERMINATOR SALVATION.

JASON CLARKE

So I'm John Connor, huh? Funny how Ed Furlong and Nick Stahl grew up into a man twice their width. At least I have experience leading the remnants of mankind in a world ravaged by a plague of its own making, even if it WAS apes and not robots.

JAI COURTNEY

And this hilarious Emilia-Clarke-as-Linda-Hamilton Photoshop pic must mean I'm Kyle Reese, even though I'm less of a haggard, starved resistance fighter and more of an underwear model. How the fuck am I so buff and well-nourished in this post-nuclear hellscape?

JASON CLARKE

Never mind, it's time for our final strike on Skynet that Michael Biehn described so well that it need never be shown! I've timed it to coincide with another, equally crucial attack that HASN'T already been described, which we won't show at all!

The REBELS attempt to sneak into SKYNET HQ inside a truck driven by DEACTIVATED TERMINATORS. They are stopped by TERMINATOR GUARDS whose task could easily be done by AUTOMATIC SENSORS but y'know, UNION REGULATIONS and shit.

TERMINATOR GUARD #1

Why do we all have human teeth anyway? Why aren't they added the same time all of our hair and skin get put on?

TERMINATOR GUARD #2

Fuck, I dunno. Okay guys, move along... hey, wait a minute, the T-X models can turn all machines into our slaves, we don't need to drive anything anywhere! It's a trick!

FUTURE BATTLE breaks out between the GUARDS, REBELS, and some LEFTOVER CONCEPT ART FROM T2!

JASON CLARKE

It's okay everyone! Our other group is attacking Skynet's central core! Once that's smashed, all these robots will just flop over and die.

JAI COURTNEY

All of them? Even the infiltration units specifically designed to operate on their own? Such as the ones that got sent back to before Skynet even existed?

JASON CLARKE

Well duh. Have you not noticed how every large-scale movie battle has resolved for the past five years?

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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