EXT. GUATEMALA - 1998

LINDA HAMILTON and EDWARD FURLONG are relaxing as the unknown future rolls toward them, facing it for the first time with a sense of hope when suddenly...

LINDA HAMILTON

Let me guess, we're all Terminator infiltration units or something? That's why our faces look so weird?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(aiming shotgun at EDWARD)

Negative, you are digitally de-aged and I have been digitally de-swoled. Now I must terminate Edward.

EDWARD FURLONG

Dammit, why does this franchise hate John Connor so much? We got Asshole John Connor in Terminator Salvation, Terminator John Connor in Terminator Genisys, and now Dead John Connor. Not to mention Terminator 3's substance-abusing disappointment John Connor which felt a little personal.

(is killed)

LINDA HAMILTON

Nooooooooo, we just did the equivalent of Alien³ killing Newt, a decision that James Cameron notoriously hated!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I'm going to stroll off to the beach now to work on my living-tissue-over-a-metal-endoskele-TAN. There's no reason to think anyone would try to stop me or arrest me after openly murdering a child in front of dozens of witnesses.

EXT. MEXICO CITY - 2020

MACKENZIE DAVIS arrives with signed no-frontal-nudity contract. She is helped by two MEXICANS who are instantly arrested for being near her so MACKENZIE beats the everloving FUCK out of all the COPS.

CHOLO

(it's okay, that's actually his name in the credits)

Wow, thanks for saving us, 2017's Katy Perry.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

(awkwardly shoving her naked limbs between his legs while his girlfriend watches)

Don't thank me yet.

CHOLO

Oh shit, because you're going to kill me or fry me on a stove top or something?

MACKENZIE DAVIS

No, I'm just going to take your shirt and boots. You can keep your underwear, I'm more of a briefs girl.

CHOLO

Oh. Well seeing as you're completely butt naked and just saved my life, you'd think I might actually offer you those things but you're right, this white tank top DID come in a pretty pricey pack of three so I'm annoyed. I assume you'll be needing to steal one of these cop cars as well rather than mine?

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Nope!

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MEXICO CITY

GABRIEL LUNA ghostrides into an apartment complex and notices a woman cleaning a shirt.

GABRIEL LUNA

Ah, so this is what a shirt looks like. I couldn't possibly have just been programmed to know what shirts are and arrived looking like I'm wearing one, I have to first look like a naked human being, it’s pretty much the one thing all of these movies are actually consistent about.

UNLUCKIEST LADY EVER

¡Dios Mío! Wait, why is your default appearance Hispanic?

GABRIEL LUNA

I'm an infiltration Terminator, though I will make absolutely no effort whatsoever to hide the fact that I'm a shapeshifting robot from anyone. But anyway, I was sent to Mexico so this way I blend in, duh.

UNLUCKIEST LADY EVER

Sure but... then how come when the target was Sarah Connor in 1984 Los Angeles they sent a hairless 250-pound Austrian?

GABRIEL LUNA

Gonna be a really long 2 hours if you start thinking about the worldbuilding of this universe in any way. Now move aside, I need to terminate this shirt now that I've sampled it by physical contact.

(mixes with reds on warm cycle)

INT. CAR FACTORY

NATALIA REYES and her brother DIEGO BONETA arrive at the CAR FACTORY where they work only to discover that ROBOTS ARE REPLACING THEM!

DIEGO BONETA

Oh how very painfully on the nose. Is the whole movie going to be like this?

NATALIA REYES

Later on we're going to sneak across the US/Mexico border under a giant wall, confront dickhead border patrol agents, and then get detained in cages in a series of scenes that accomplish nothing so yes, the whole movie is going to be like this.

Suddenly NATALIA'S DAD ENRIQUE ARCE arrives with a GUN and gets his FACE BLOWN OFF by MACKENZIE DAVIS, but then politely turns back into GABRIEL LUNA so NATALIA knows not to be afraid of MACKENZIE.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Natalia, that's not your dad. It's a Terminator from the future and if you don't come with me it's going to kill you in 30 seconds after it does that goofy standing up like an inflating tube man thing all Terminators do after Genisys.

NATALIA REYES

Okay, got it. Let's go.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Uh... that's it? I mean, Edward Furlong acted more surprised by this in Terminator 2 and he'd been told about it all his life.

NATALIA REYES

Nope, nothing remarkable worth reacting to here, I am totally on board - who's driving?

EXT. HIGHWAY

MACKENZIE, NATALIA, and DIEGO pick the slowest, least maneuverable vehicle they can find so GABRIEL LUNA picks an even worse one.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Natalia, Gabriel is a new kind of Terminator as long as you didn't see Terminator 3. It's mimetic polyalloy can fully separate from its metal endoskeleton so sometimes you have to fight two robots at once, but one of them is made of jam.

NATALIA REYES

Oh no! Wait, does this mean it could also split into two 4-foot-tall miniature Gabriel Lunas and make us fight 3 at once?

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Theoretically, yes. But if you're wondering if we wind up having to fight an army of toddler-sized Gabriel Luna robots, we don't.

NATALIA REYES

Bummer. Okay, so how do we stop this thing?

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Well, unfortunately I am mechanically augmented and optimized for short bursts of energy only. If I don't kill the Terminator in the first few minutes of arriving here, we're doomed. But I never tried to kill it at all and now we're just kind of aimlessly driving away with no plan so whoops.

DIEGO BONETA

If that's true then why did you spend so much of your energy beating up a bunch of cops? Couldn't you have talked your way out of that?

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Look, I'm really BAD at this, okay? Oh also Diego this is kind of a no-boys-allowed thing so you're going to have to eat car.

DIEGO BONETA

What?

(dies)

GABRIEL splits in TWO and has MACKENZIE and NATALIA surrounded. Despite only being there to single-mindedly accomplish his mission, GABRIEL pauses menacingly just long enough for LINDA FUCKING HAMILTON to show up and ROCKET LAUNCHER HIM.

LINDA HAMILTON

That's right, motherfuckers! I'm motherfucking back and ready to ineffectively kill some motherfucking Terminators! I'm going to go drop a few grenades on this one but don't worry...

(pause)

I'LL BE BACK.

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOBODY

That was so cool.

INT. MOTEL ROOM

MACKENZIE, LINDA, and NATALIA have a sleepover party and talk about BOYS.

LINDA HAMILTON

Alright, someone tell me what's going on here. My son and I stopped Judgement Day so how the fuck did they manage to make any more of these things?

MACKENZIE DAVIS

You did stop Judgement Day. But then later a different AI called Legion was built that also decided to nuke humanity, also built disguised robots that look human, also invented liquid metal shapeshifting, also discovered time travel, and also came up with the same idea to send robots back in time to kill the leaders of the eventual resistance. They also independently refer to themselves as Terminators which is somehow the most ridiculous part of all this.

LINDA HAMILTON

So no matter what, the same basic future is going to happen. And even if the leader of the resistance is killed, it just means a different person will lead the revolution and become a target for time traveling robots, meaning Terminator, Terminator 2, and even this movie are all pointless. It's almost like there definitely is fate that we do not make for ourselves. So, what, Natalia is going to give birth to the next male resistance leader so she's being targeted? She's me?

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Hah! No. Go back and watch the original Terminator, you had charisma and personality to spare - Natalia is most definitely not you. Besides, it's 2020 so it's not her dumb male penis-having son who leads the resistance, it's HER.

LINDA HAMILTON

Oh I get it, she's John.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Again, no. Same reason.

MACKENZIE gets the shakes and passes out.

NATALIA REYES

She does that sometimes. Her augmentationals are turned to short booms of energizing so after big action scenes she starts jonesing bad. I paid attention.

LINDA HAMILTON

Oh. Will that have any impact on any other scenes after this one?

MACKENZIE DAVIS

(waking up)

Nope! I'm actually going to waste my limited energy points by doing shit like slicing a flying insect in half to periodically remind the audience I'm a badass. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm all hopped up on drugs and ready to run away from the Terminator I was sent to kill.

LINDA HAMILTON

Wait, you need me. You don't know how this time period works despite knowing how all of the technology in it works. For example, Natalia's cell phone is tracking our movements, we have to destroy it!

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Well, alright. But are you going to do anything useful at all other than point that out?

LINDA HAMILTON

Not really, but I will say "motherfucker" a lot. Now that Natalia's phone is out of the picture and I've reemphasized my paranoia, can you please hand me my own fully-functioning cell phone? It's been on inside a potato chip bag this whole time.

NATALIA REYES

What?

LINDA HAMILTON

#FOMO, I need to see if I got any text messages on my mobile number that I haven't changed since 1998!

NATALIA REYES

WHAT?

LINDA HAMILTON

Sometimes a completely anonymous contact sends me mysterious messages detailing various tasks that I then perform without question!

NATALIA REYES

FUCKING WHAT?! I had pictures of my dad and brother on that phone, asshole!

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Wait, is it possible this contact is actually the T-800 who killed your son and is now sending you on missions to kill other Terminators as a way to make amends because he's learned to feel pity and remorse after all?

LINDA HAMILTON

(laughing)

Mackenzie, honey... that is, without a doubt, the stupidest, most insulting, ridiculous, nonsensical, preposterous, bizarre, idiotic--

INT. CABIN IN THE WOODS

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER opens the door to greet everyone.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Hello, my name is Carl now. Please come in and meet my wife, adopted son, and my dog. I am a doomsday prepper and I run a drapery business. All of this is in the movie.

LINDA HAMILTON

Wow, and you did all that without needing lengthy CPU surgery - guess T2 Special Edition fans can go eat donkey shit, huh?

NATALIA REYES

What is this, a pilot for some new sitcom on Netflix called 'My Terminator & Me'? Actually now that I think about it, that sounds great.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Arnold, we need your help killing Gabriel Luna. I know you're a machine who only cares about your mission which is now taking care of your new family but please abandon them and sacrifice yourself for this random teenage girl that I'm insisting is important in an alternate future you've never seen.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Do I get to wear my signature sunglasses while I do it?

MACKENZIE DAVIS

You do not.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Fine. But first we must teach Natalia how to shoot a gun.

NATALIA aims at some watermelons and just whiffs it completely.

LINDA HAMILTON

Here, try this larger gun that's harder to aim. Now close your eyes. Terminators just murdered your entire family, what are you going to do about it?

NATALIA REYES

You're wording that like it's a hypothetical intended to get a rise out of me but a Terminator actually did just murder my entire family so I guess the implication is that I forgot about that. Anyway, I can aim now, thanks.

LINDA HAMILTON

(tearing up)

Family... I had a family once. I loved my son more than anything, devoted my life to protecting him. But I never took any photos of him because I thought they would make him easier to find, and now 20 years later I can't remember what my child looked like...

NATALIA REYES

Damn that's grim. Wait, is this accidentally the best scene in the movie?

LINDA HAMILTON

It sure is, let's hurry up and tack on whatever inane Fast and Furious nonsense is about to happen.

MACKENZIE, LINDA, ARNOLD, and NATALIA steal a military grade EMP, steal a military aircraft, fly away from GABRIEL piloting a helicopter, destroy Arnold's drapery business, crash the plane, ride a parachuting Humvee down to the ground, and accidentally destroy the EMP making the entire effort a WASTE OF TIME.

INT. HYDRO ELECTRIC PLANT

MACKENZIE, LINDA, ARNOLD, and NATALIA make their last stand against GABRIEL.

LINDA HAMILTON

This is it, our Judgement Day. The moment foretold by our Dark Fate.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Your last chance for Salvation.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Today, there will be no Rise of the Machines.

NATALIA REYES

Yeah. Sega Genesis.

They FIGHT against GABRIEL. More specifically, MACKENZIE goes full God-of-War spinning chain mode, ARNOLD'S STUNT DOUBLE has his face digitally replaced, LINDA checks her copy of the script to see if she ever does anything, and NATALIA tries to be offscreen as much as possible.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Watch out, Natalia! This Terminator is extremely deadly unless it gets close to you because its favorite thing to do with fragile human bodies is throw them further away from itself and then re-close the distance.

NATALIA REYES

Is there any particular reason why this thing even bothers ever looking human? It seems like the least effective form it could be in, why doesn't it just quickly transform into a 50-foot blade and insta-kill me where I stand?

LINDA HAMILTON

I think if there's one thing this movie makes abundantly clear its that nobody, not even a Terminator, ever comes up with anything new after Terminator 2.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Natalia, quickly! Use the terminator-killing bomb inside me to instantly destroy it!

NATALIA REYES

Hold the fuck on, what?

LINDA HAMILTON

Yeah, what did you just say?

MACKENZIE DAVIS

The power source for my augmentation. It can be used as a bomb and just kill this thing. You guys knew that, right?

LINDA HAMILTON

You mean we could have just done that the entire time? If you can time travel with one of these inside you, why bother with the augmentation at all? Just implant a couple inside your body, travel back and then activate it when the Terminator is close.

MACKENZIE DAVIS

Oh. I thought you guys weren't doing it because it would require digging into my stomach like a "Saw" trap to get it and you didn't want to kill me.

NATALIA REYES

Bitch. I. Do. Not. Know. You. This is not Terminator 2, we haven't bonded throughout this whole experience. Your sacrifice means nothing to me!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

What about mine?

NATALIA REYES

Even less!

(to GABRIEL)

I'm gonna kill you, fucker!

LINDA HAMILTON

Wow, it's just like my "you're terminated, fucker" line from the first movie. Except, you know, it sucks.

NATALIA digs out the DEVICE and ARNOLD activates it, killing GABRIEL and somehow managing to self-terminate, not like we got a whole memorable scene in the previous installment about how he can't do that or anything.

EXT. ROAD TRIP

NATALIA and LINDA are best friends now, driving around in the least protective vehicle they could possibly find.

NATALIA REYES

Well, since you've been getting secret text messages about time-traveling Terminators for decades and your source for that information is dead, I guess it's just you and me with no help from invincible robots or augmented super soldiers, completely outmatched as we fight randomly-materializing murder cyborgs from two different timelines.

LINDA HAMILTON

Yep. Gosh, it sure paid off to have James Cameron involved again, he even shares a writing credit with like fifteen other dudes including the writer of Batman v Superman. Think this one will actually kick off another trilogy of films like the last few fuckawful movies were supposed to?

DISNEY

(looking at domestic box office results)

This franchise is terminated.

END