FADE IN:

INT. VETERINARY CLINIC

NICK STAHL breaks into a veterinary clinic and starts doing DRUGS

NICK STAHL (V.O.)

My narration, much like the rest of this film, will be hurried and awkward in execution in stark contrast to the well-paced, deliberateness of the previous film.

(pause)

Anyway, I'm a drifter now. That whole military leader thing never worked out and I didn't know how to do anything else. Oh, and I do drugs, because that makes me tragic.

Suddenly CLAIRE DANES enters.

CLAIRE DANES

Holy crap, it's Nick Stahl! Remember me? I kissed you at a party when you were young, and it happened to be the day before you vanished forever, which may or may not have been related to the unstoppable serial killer who murdered your foster parents. What a bizarre and generally preposterous coincidence you would run into me again.

NICK STAHL

Made only more absurd by the fact that today also happens to be the day that a new set of terminators will come around. It's almost like it's...

CLAIRE DANES

Fate? What do you think this is, The Matrix?

INT. WOMEN'S STRIP CLUB

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER enters a strip club, and approaches a male stripper with a leather jacket.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I need your clothes, your boots, and complete emasculation.

The stripper gives back HOMOSEXUAL SASS and eventually his CLOTHES.

EXT. STREET

KRISTANNA LOKEN arrives and approaches a woman driving a car.

KRISTANNA LOKEN

I am the T-X, a killer robot from the future.

CAR DRIVER

The T-X? Wouldn't a group of robots just keep increasing the series number as they develop machines, making you the T-1001 or the T-1500 or something?

KRISTANNA LOKEN

In the year 2036, SkyNet created a marketing campaign to improve its public relations with other cyborg assassins. "The T-X" was found to be, according to a probabilistic analysis, "cool". They also gave me boobs.

She takes the CAR and then goes and MURDERS SOME CHILDREN. Then she finds the Veterinary Clinic.

INT. VETERINARY CLINIC

KRISTANNA enters and looks for CLAIRE DANES, for some reason investigating the place she works late at night instead of her home. CLAIRE hides, breathing loudly just around the corner. KRISTANNA leaves.

NICK STAHL

Wow, that was close. I can't believe that a cyborg more advanced than the T-1000 wouldn't just have slightly better hearing or something.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER arrives.

NICK STAHL

Are you here to protect me or kill me?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Actually, I'm here to ask for your support in my campaign for California Governor.

NICK STAHL

Good enough, let's get out of here!

A TERRIBLY DRAWN-OUT CAR CHASE ensues, with KRISTANNA using her ROBOT POWERS to control cars.

NICK STAHL

What's going on?!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

She has the power to control any electrical system remotely.

NICK STAHL

Cars aren't electrical, they're mechanical.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Uh... Beep. That does not compute. Beep blip beep. Whirrrrr.

COMPUTER GENERATED ARNOLD grabs onto KRISTANNA'S CRANE and is beaten senseless. The CHASE continues and continues and eventually STOPS.

INT. CAR

ARNOLD, CLAIRE, and NICK all take a moment to chat.

NICK STAHL

So, didn't we stop the war?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

No. You merely delayed it while screenwriters thought of good rationalizations. Sequels are inevitable.

NICK STAHL

So, the whole thing about "No Fate" from the first two movies is total bullshit.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Yes. Other things that are being ignored from the first two films include the ages of you and your mother as well as the concept that you have any leadership qualities at all.

NICK STAHL

(incessant whining)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Talk to the hand.

Nobody in the AUDIENCE laughs. Those that were smiling at the time STOP IMMEDIATELY.

DIRECTOR JONATHAN MOSTOW

Laugh, you fools! It's 2003's "Hasta La Vista, Baby!"

The AUDIENCE reels in reaction to the newly lame ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

NICK STAHL

You said you're from the future, right? Not 1997, when "talk to the hand" was funny?

They go to a graveyard.

EXT. GRAVEYARD.

ARNOLD gets some guns. A ridiculous and generally depressing cameo by EARL BOEN takes place. Then everyone goes to a MILITARY BASE.

INT. MILITARY BASE

They attempt to stop the RISE OF THE MACHINES, but are seconds too late, as the TITLE OF THE FILM told everyone before they even walked into the theater.

ROBOTS go crazy and start KILLING EVERYONE. KRISTANNA arrives and tries to kill ARNOLD. CLAIRE and NICK run.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I am no match for you, physically or mentally, as I am obsolete.

KRISTANNA LOKEN

Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you about that. How come you manage to keep outsmarting me every time we meet?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I was wondering about that myself. Hey, remember when everyone was in the graveyard and you were posing as Claire's boyfriend, and then right when you could have killed her you turned back into your default form, telling everyone you the enemy and allowing me to beat you?

KRISTANNA LOKEN

Yeah.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

What the fuck is the matter with you?

KRISTANNA, now angered, beats the snot out of ARNOLD, who beats the SNOT back out of her. Eventually, she knocks his head off and leaves. He puts his head back on with the help of CGI WORSE THAN THAT USED IN THE FILM'S PREDECESSOR, WHICH WAS MADE OVER 10 YEARS EARLIER, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

INT. HANGAR

CLAIRE and NICK head toward a HELICOPTER. ARNOLD comes up and grabs NICK.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Kristanna told me she'd have sex with me if I killed you.

NICK STAHL

(choking)

Gark! What is your mission?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

To spew out as many lame one-liners as possible while doing my part to facilitate the unending parade of references and homages to the first two films, not to mention ensuring that not even one shred of originality or cleverness is shown in the movie, making this film almost more of a parody of the series than a sequel to it.

NICK STAHL

You are about to fail that mission! This whole Arnold-becomes-evil robot-again thing is an interesting and original twist and actually plays elegantly upon our natural dichotomy in spite of our unnatural, emotion-based alliance!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Yikes!

He shuts himself down. They RUN. JUDGEMENT DAY proceeds to HAPPEN. The film ends ABRUPTLY and UNSATISFYINGLY.

END