FADE IN FUCK YOU FADE IN IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING SPACESHIP FIGHT WHERE ONE SHIP MAKES A WORMHOLE BY LITERALLY SHOOTING THE FUCKING FABRIC OF SPACE-TIME AND THEN SURFS THROUGH IT WHILE CHUGGING RED BULL FUCK YEEEAHHHHHHH

EXT. A JUNGLE - MEXICO

The PREDATOR SHIP is CRASH-LANDING! Unable to control his descent, the PREDATOR decides to EJECT in his personal escape pod, leaving behind his ULTRA-PRECIOUS CARGO which, we learn later, he could simply carry in ONE HAND. Or WEAR.

Meanwhile, Army sniper BOYD HOLBROOK is preparing to SNIPE some evil DRUG DEALERS who have taken some poor innocent saps as HOSTAGES!

BOYD HOLBROOK

Ah yes, the suspenseful build-up this franchise was once known for.

But then the ESCAPE POD literally CRASHES RIGHT ON TOP OF BOYD!!

BOYD HOLBROOK

AW SHIT, THE BAD CGI EXPLOSION-PORN THIS FRANCHISE IS CURRENTLY KNOWN FOR!!

BOYD DODGES the CRASHING POD but still FALLS DOWN A HILL to land next to the CRASHED POD. Searching the wreckage he finds a PREDAHELMET and a PREDASLEEVE and a PREDABALL!

BOYD HOLBROOK

Gotta keep these as evidence, and for my own protection! I'm convinced the government is just itching for an excuse to kill me as part of a coverup... which turns out to be true, so yay me.

BOYD'S ARMY BUDDY

Wow what the fuck happened? I sure hope that wasn't some unstoppable alien killing machine with a history of massacring military dudes deep inside tropical forests! Still, what would be the odds of THAT?! Ha ha ha

OTHER ARMY GUY

(strung up by feet)

I DUNNO I THINK THE ODDS ARE PRETTY DECENT

Indeed, standing beneath OTHER ARMY GUY is... THE PREDATOR!!

PREDATOR

BUT SURELY MY REACTIVE CAMOUFLAGE IS HIDING ME FROM VIEW

BOYD HOLBROOK

The fuck it is. I can clearly see you. You’re just an 8-foot-tall wibbly outline instead of an 8-foot-tall alien Bob Marley. How did the whole cloak thing look better in 1987?

PREDATOR

FUCK OFF YOU DIE NOW

THE PREDATOR SHOOTS at BOYD and in return BOYD accidentally fires the PREDASLEEVE since they never bothered to invent SAFETY CATCHES or shit like that. It TAKES OUT the PREDATOR!

BOYD HOLBROOK

Also it sliced Other Army Guy completely in half. Which would probably haunt me forever if I hadn't already decided to never think about it again! In fact, what hostages?

(takes off)

INT. GRADE SCHOOL - USA

BOYD'S SON JACOB TREMBLAY, who has ASPERGER'S, is at CHESS CLUB when a couple FUCKING BRATS pull the FIRE ALARM and knock over all the CHESS PIECES, since all the PREDATOR franchise was missing was some JOHN HUGHES SUBPLOTS.

JACOB TREMBLAY

OWW OWW OWW I AM INCAPACITATED BY THIS NOISE!! I guess my vulnerability to loud noise will be a plot point later?

(HAHAHAHA no that's completely abandoned)

Phew, it's over. Now I can replace all the chess pieces exactly as they were, which is eidetic memory and not Asperger's, but whatever.

INT. RANDOM RUNDOWN BAR - MEXICO

BOYD uses the PREDABALL'S invisibility cloak to FREAK OUT the bartender.

BOYD HOLBROOK

I can hear the military arriving outside. You gotta mail this helmet and sleeve to this address in the USA RIGHT NOW!! AGREE TO THIS IMMEDIATELY WHILE YOU ARE FREAKING OUT AND U.S. TROOPS ARE ABOUT TO STORM IN ANY SECOND, DID YOU GET THAT?!??

RANDOM BARTENDER GUY

Oh yes, absolutely. Once you're thrown into Guantanamo to rot forever, I'll be sure to follow your instructions precisely and NOT immediately sell this crazy tech on the black market, nope! Just another day's work for me, Random Bartender Guy!

(strikes heroic pose)

BOYD swallows the PREDABALL and is APPREHENDED!!

EXT. DOG PARK - USA

OLIVIA MUNN is out walking her DOG when a LARGE GROUP OF OBVIOUS GOVERNMENT SUITS arrive.

GOVERNMENT SUIT

Excuse me Doctor but do you like... STARGAZING?!!? There, now anyone within earshot who has half a brain knows that aliens exist. Please come with us! We'll look after your dog.

OLIVIA MUNN

Thanks! I have such trust in your dogsitting powers I will never ask about it all movie long. In fact, what dog?

INT. SUPER TOP SECRET MILITARY FACILITY

OLIVIA is taken by helicopter to the FACILITY run by... STERLING K. BROWN!

STERLING K. BROWN

Welcome Olivia! This is our secret Predator research facility where we've been studying Predators since 1987, though to be honest we skipped over the AvP years. They kind of sucked.

OLIVIA MUNN

Cool, a display of helmets and guns! Can I--

STERLING K. BROWN

Oh that's just the gift shop. To see the REALLY cool shit you have to go through... NAKED DECONTAMINATION.

(plays Barry White album)

OLIVIA MUNN

Naked, really? Couldn't spring for HAZMAT suits?

STERLING K. BROWN

Haha nope. But to give something for the ladies, we'll send megahunk Jake Busey through with you. Meanwhile I will avoid this step completely.

Inside the laboratory proper is MORE cool shit including THE PREDATOR from earlier in the movie!

JAKE BUSEY

This Predator has... human DNA, whaaa?! We called you in because you're an evolutionary biologist, figured we should pick your brain while your profession is still legal. So what we're wondering is...

OLIVIA MUNN

(actual line)

You wanna know if someone fucked an alien.

STERLING K. BROWN

Well no... I mean some kind of gene-splicing scenario is way more likely, don't you think? The relevant questions are more like how will this affect the Predator's physiology, does it shed light on their larger motivations, that kind of thing.

OLIVIA MUNN

I'm sensing that such highbrow concerns are NOT what this movie's about. Anyway let me take a look through this microscope...

STERLING K. BROWN

WAIT! To use the microscope you have to go through more... NAKED DECONTAMINATION!!

(plays Boyz II Men album)

OLIVIA MUNN

(facepalms)

JAKE BUSEY

OH IF YOU WANNA FACEPALM YOU FIRST GOTTA

(kicked in balls)

INT. ARMY BUS, OUTSIDE THE FACILITY

Meanwhile, BOYD has been thrown onto a BUS headed to a MILITARY MENTAL INSTITUTION to keep him under wraps.

BOYD HOLBROOK

You guys sure look like a wacky bunch of misfit supporting characters. Introductions?

TREVANTE RHODES

Sure! We call ourselves Group Edgelord because we're so edgy and non-PC and shit!! I make jokes about black guys, and so does the other black guy, Keegan-Michael Key!

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

Yo' momma likes big black dick! AW YEAH SO EDGY

THOMAS JANE

Fuck pussy shit! You see I have Tourette's (Movie Version), which is hilarious! And would make it pretty much impossible to be in the military but let's ignore that.

ALFIE ALLEN

I know magic! This never matters.

AUGUSTO AGUILERA

I'm the religious one of the group, and the Latino guy, go figure! But to round out my character, I'm also a perv, because EDGELORDS!!

BOYD HOLBROOK

Okay I'm appointing myself as leader.

INT. BACK INSIDE THE SECRET MILITARY LABPREDATORY

Everything is going fine when an ALARM sounds!

SCIENTIST

Oh no, the Predator decided the sleep juice doesn't work on him anymore! He’s awake!

JAKE BUSEY

It’s okay. I’m sure we were pretty clear that the restraints on the live fucking alien warrior needed to be unbreakable.

SCIENTIST

The Predator decided they're not! He’s free!

JAKE BUSEY

Shit. Alright everyone, enact Emergency Scenario Gamma-Beta-Twenty! Run in small circles, panic, avoid using firearms or any kind of defensive weaponry, and generally behave as if we, the best minds on Earth, had no contingency for this scenario!

This goes EVER SO WELL and the PREDATOR begins MASSACRING EVERYONE!!!

PREDATOR

WAIT WAIT GUYS LET ME EXPLAIN

(eviscerates scientist)

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME

(rips out spine)

I'M HERE TO HELP

(decapitates)

STERLING K. BROWN

Quick, scientists, escape before you get killed!! Guards, shoot and kill any scientists who escape!! They might expose us!!

JAKE BUSEY

Seriously?!? Is your first reaction to shit going wrong ALWAYS to immediately murder all your assets?! You do know what "asset" means right? It means SOMEONE HELPFUL TO HAVE ALIVE IF SHIT GOES WRONG! How the fuck have you kept this place running for thirty years?!?

(de-spleened)

Ow.

STERLING K. BROWN

Hey, I slaughtered five whole shifts of baristas before they took away my Starbucks franchise. It's how I roll.

(escapes!)

Meanwhile OLIVIA rushes to the exit!

COMPUTER VOICE

ACCESS DENIED. TO ESCAPE YOU MUST GO THROUGH... NAKED DECONTAMINATION, BOW CHICKA WOW WOW

OLIVIA MUNN

Fuck's SAKE people.

(strips)

As OLIVIA crouches nude in a corner the PREDATOR approaches and LOOMS over her... but then LEAVES HER ALONE, RIPS THE DOOR OPEN and walks away!

OLIVIA MUNN

Ah, the classic "Predators won't kill you if you're no threat" move. But couldn't he have decided that with my clothes still on, what with the unarmed cowering?

DIRECTOR SHANE BLACK

No no no, he'd have seen any lack of nudity as, um, super dangerous.

OLIVIA MUNN

Goddammit. I'm getting dressed and getting a fucking gun and no more of this exploitative bullshit okay?

DIRECTOR SHANE BLACK

Oh no, absolutely not. No more bullshit from me.

(thinks)

Wait what was that note I left myself back in 1987? Eh probably nothing.

THE PREDATOR grabs one of the GIFT SHOP PREDAHELMETS which instantly, seamlessly uplinks to his later-model PERSONAL PREDAHELMET over at JACOB'S HOUSE, since the PREDATORS have only stolen HUMAN DNA and not HUMAN APPLE PRODUCT DESIGN. He now has JACOB'S LOCATION!

INT. MILITARY BUS

From the BUS, our wacky group hears the ALARM and sees THE PREDATOR on the roof, chased by OLIVIA who now has a sedative dart gun! They seize control of the BUS and drive towards them!!

BOYD HOLBROOK

That's it boys! I'll use my sniper skill to shoot the Predator with this shotgun, a weapon renowned for its laserlike precision.

OLIVIA jumps on TOP of the bus also! She and BOYD take aim but the PREDATOR remembers he's covered in weapons and FRAGS the bus!

OLIVIA MUNN

Blergh, JUST as I pulled the trigger too, I've hit my foot! Well the amount of sedative required to neutralize a Predator is probably fatal to a regular human so goodbye, world!

(faints)

TREVANTE RHODES

The bus is fucked! Quick everyone, GEHT TO THAH CHOPPAHS!! Motorcycle choppers, that is!

(wink!)

Lucky there were these dozen motorcycles just lying around, allowing us to put a new spin on that classic line! You're welcome.

BOYD grabs OLIVIA and our heroes ESCAPE while the PREDATOR hops into the back of a MILITARY TRUCK.

PREDATOR

EXCUSE ME

(disembowels)

WAIT WAIT I COME IN PEACE

(severs limbs)

HONESTLY I JUST NEED A RIDE

(emulsifies)

The PREDATOR annihilates everyone in the BACK of the truck and then fools the DRIVER by holding out a severed arm with a THUMB'S UP, a gesture he knows about thanks to his HUMAN DNA.

INT. SKEEZY MOTEL

Our heroes ride their MOTORCYCLES until they find a hotel completely filled by a MOTORCYCLE GANG and rent a ROOM using the money they somehow have.

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

What do we do while waiting for Olivia to wake up?

AUGUSTO AGUILERA

Let us surround her with trinkets and offerings, then gaze at her like we're some kind of fucking fairy woodland creatures who've never seen a human female! This is surely how grown-ass adults behave, especially soldiers!

They DO this and finally OLIVIA wakes up to find herself SURROUNDED by UNWASHED MIDDLE-AGED MEN in FATIGUES, all LEERING AT HER. She responds APPROPRIATELY.

OLIVIA MUNN

(dashing to door)

Pretty sure rule 1 of waking up in a creepy shrine is to get the fuck out...

BOYD HOLBROOK

You can't! Sterling will kill anyone who might blab about the Predator including us and you. But not including the dozens and dozens of random mercs he hires who also know everything. Our only move is to make the existence of Predators public knowledge.

OLIVIA MUNN

Yeah, because exposing a Predator to the world will gain us nothing but unbridled sympathy and support, I'm sure. What's your plan?

BOYD HOLBROOK

First tell us all about Predators so we have even MORE sensitive knowledge to get killed over.

OLIVIA MUNN

Fine, the faster I technobabble, the faster this movie’s over. The Predator is an alien that comes to earth to hunt humans and take bits of them as trophies. I now believe that the Predators are modifying themselves using human genes.

BOYD HOLBROOK

Why? To become smaller and weaker?

OLIVIA MUNN

Yeah, actually, that’s idiotic and it never comes back, so maybe I just have a concussion.

THOMAS JANE

Well step one is we gotta find this alien douchebag. But where's it gonna go next? I hope someone has an idea because I'm no Investigator, certainly not on a groundbreaking, critically acclaimed TV series that's also a finalist for the People's Choice Best Sci-Fi/Fantasy Show, vote now until October 19 at

OLIVIA MUNN

OH MY GOD SHUT UP. Anyway I expect the Predator's next move will be to recover its special gear, since that's what anyone in his position would do.

BOYD HOLBROOK

Your keen science brain is right! Now where would that--oh right I mailed it to my ex-wife, Yvonne Strahovski. I'm amazed I remembered her address since I NEVER MAIL CHILD SUPPORT HAR HAR EDGELOORRRDDDDSS oh dammit I'm becoming one of them.

INT. YVONNE STRAHOVSKI'S HOUSE

The GANG arrive in an RV that they now have, and ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY EXCEPT OLIVIA MUNN goes into the house because it's too risky to have the two female cast members SEE EACH OTHER or something.

GROUP EDGELORDS

(roam around house being total dicks)

BOYD HOLBROOK

Hey there Yvonne, I don't suppose a large package of alien tech arrived here the other day?

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

There was that giant box but Jacob told me it was video games so I didn't even look. Now he's out Trick-or-Treating by himself on a block with a scummy meth house. What am I, some kind of parent?!?

EXT. NEIGHBOURHOOD

JACOB goes trick-or-treating with the PREDAHELMET and PREDASLEEVE and within ten minutes he has BLOWN UP a METH HOUSE and TRAUMATIZED the BRATS FROM SCHOOL. But before he can finish becoming NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH HERO OF THE DECADE he is tracked down and cornered by PREDADOGS!!

JACOB TREMBLAY

Shit, we're lifting from Resident Evil now?!?

The PREDADOGS fiercely STAND IN PLACE, BARKING!! This provides enough time for BOYD & THE GANG to arrive!

TREVANTE RHODES

And I stole a cop car! Let's not worry about what I may or may not have done to an innocent police officer!

BOYD HOLBROOK

Okay everyone, open fire!!

They SHOOT at the PREDADOGS. This accomplishes NOT MUCH but the dogs aren't so much into the DODGING, so this just sort of KEEPS HAPPENING for a while. Eventually one PREDADOG is EXPLODED and the other one happens to get SHOT right in the EVIL CENTRE of the BRAIN and becomes GOOD instead, phew!

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

Good work team! Let's get back to the RV and regroup.

PREDATOR

DOES THAT INCLUDE ME, HI GUYS, HOW'S IT GOING

(grabs Augusto by the neck)

I WAS HOPING WE COULD JOIN FORCES SINCE I, TOO, AM BEING HUNTED

(dangles Augusto off top of RV)

ONLY TOGETHER ARE WE TRULY STRONG

However BOYD pulls some bullshit trick-shot nonsense and the HUMANS flee! THE PREDATOR is about to give chase when he is suddenly faced with... THE APEX PREDATOR! Yes this movie has TWO PREDATORS so probably should not be called THE PREDATOR at all, but they already used PREDATORS and PREDATOR 2, and after all THE THING had MORE THAN ONE THING and SCREAM had MULTIPLE SCREAMS so anyway on with our merry tale.

APEX PREDATOR

(posturing)

BWAH HA HA, I HAVE INFUSED MY DNA WITH TONS OF OTHER SPECIES TO BECOME THE ULTIMATE PREDATOR

PREDATOR

OH FUCK ME, YOU MUST HAVE ACID BLOOD OR EXTRA ATTACK MOUTHS OR A PREHENSILE TAIL OR SOME SHIT, RIGHT?

APEX PREDATOR

(pause)

I AM TALLER THAN YOU

PREDATOR

...

APEX PREDATOR

LIKE, MUCH TALLER

PREDATOR

...

APEX PREDATOR

I CAN ALSO CHANGE SEX AT WILL, THERE WAS THIS ONE PLANET OF NOTHING BUT CLOWNFISH

PREDATOR

...OKAY LET'S FIGHT NOW

The APEX PREDATOR curbstomps the REGULAR PREDATOR and KILLS HIM so now we're back down to ONE (or "THE") PREDATOR! But during the battle our HEROES escape!

EXT. A FARM

The GANG are hiding out at some FARM somewhere mid-movie, also known as "PULLING AN ULTRON".

TREVANTE RHODES

So this is your kid Boyd?

BOYD HOLBROOK

Yes, he's the super-precocious kid thrust into adult situations that apparently every Shane Black movie must have. Free advice, maybe stop at three in a row.

AUGUSTO AGUILERA

Just don't say retard, har har! Oh wait, I just did, har har har!! But I lampshaded it so we can all relax and have a big laugh!! EDGELORRRRRRDS

THOMAS JANE

Corners and doors! Stay away from the aqua! Vote 25 times per day! Uh, tits!

OLIVIA MUNN

Hey look the Predadog followed us! Anyone here experienced with dogs? Maybe own one? I could swear one of us had a dog at some point.

OLIVIA plays FETCH with the PREDADOG because it has been infused with the DNA of a TRAINED EARTH DOG.

STERLING K. BROWN

(arriving)

Surprise I'm here too, with my swarm of mercs! We were stumped how to track you down until I remembered that Yvonne is in Handmaid's Tale with Bradley Whitford who was in Get Out by Jordan Peele who was on Key & Peele with Keegan who's right there! Get 'em boys!!!

Everyone gets TIED UP and STERLING interrogates OLIVIA.

STERLING K. BROWN

Predators are coming here more often because the planet's heating up and we're all gonna die. But we think this particular Predator was actually coming to help. His ship has some super valuable cargo that he was bringing to us.

OLIVIA MUNN

That's great! So are we all gonna team up and get this humanity-saving cargo before the Apex Predator destroys it?

STERLING K. BROWN

Holy shit no! Jacob saw the ship's location in the Predahelmet, so I don't need your stupid science brain or their stupid combat experience. And for some reason I still hate all you guys and want you dead even though we seem WAAAY past "what if someone finds out?" territory.

STERLING takes JACOB on his COPTER and the remaining MERCS prepare to execute everyone!

BOYD HOLBROOK

Time to use my sniper skills to overpower my captors while tied up! Sorry, I meant my Black Widow skills.

(does so)

OLIVIA MUNN

And I used my newfound psychic bond with the Predadog to overpower MY captor! Also I've spontaneously acquired Assault Rifle Skill and an Infinite Ammo powerup. Where's everyone else?

TREVANTE RHODES

Oh we stole this weather copter. Anything else we should steal? A tank maybe? Zamboni? Nuclear sub? Name it.

They give the PREDADOG JACOB'S SCENT and follow it in the COPTER!

INT. FIRST PREDATOR'S SPACESHIP

STERLING gets JACOB to decipher all the SECURITY PROTOCOLS allowing them to ENTER the ship.

STERLING K. BROWN

Right men, set up the Predator translator machine! Download these computer banks into our servers! And whatever you do, DON'T search for the precious cargo that's supposed to save humankind!

BOYD HOLBROOK

(appearing from thin air)

Surprise!! I finally pooped out the Predaball and used the invisibility to sneak in. Now I'm holding you at gunpoint to get me and Jacob outta here! Move!

STERLING K. BROWN

Why am I not surprised that at least one plot element has been LITERALLY pulled out of a pile of shit. But y'know, this would work even better if you stayed invisible so my men couldn't snipe you once we're outside.

BOYD HOLBROOK

Or Jacob could use the Predaball to escape invisibly, then I hold you at gunpoint for MY escape after he's safe.

JACOB TREMBLAY

Or I could hold onto you, with your jacket around both of us, and we'd BOTH be invisible. But whatever Dad, do what you gotta do.

They LEAVE the ship with EVERYBODY VISIBLE and hey whaddya know it's a STANDOFF!

STERLING K. BROWN

Don't do what Boyd says, men! Kill him right the fuck now, in front of his son, so his son can return to co-operating with us!

At this point who should crash the party but, of course, APEX PREDATOR!

APEX PREDATOR

FUCK YOU REEK

(skewers Alfie!)

ALFIE ALLEN

Huh? Oh right, I'm in this movie! I honestly forgot. Anyway, urk!

(dies)

The HUMANS shoot at each other while the APEX PREDATOR casually walks into the ship unchallenged to destroy the one thing that can save our species. After a while it uses the translator to BROADCAST a message.

APEX PREDATOR

ATTENTION. I WANT THE CHARACTER CALLED MACKENNA, I SHALL ONLY USE THE LAST NAME FOR MYSTERY REASONS. NOW TO KILL YOU BUT SINCE YOU WON THE SIGNATURE DISH CHALLENGE YOU GET A HUGE TIME ADVANTAGE OF SEVEN AND A HALF MINUTES

TREVANTE RHODES

Hm. There's no way we can outrun it, we should pile every explosive we have right outside the ship, aim every gun at the door, and fuck him up the second he steps out of there.

STERLING K. BROWN

Or, OR, we could run into the forest like a bunch of jackasses. I vote for that plan, after all "jungle stalking" is what this franchise was built on, right? We'll be fine as long as we're super quiet and stealthy.

OLIVIA MUNN

Fuck's sake, you've been studying these aliens since 1987 and you don't know about their heat vision?!? How you can cover yourself with mud to become invisible? Where's the giant vat of mud you should be carting around with you?

STERLING K. BROWN

Look we tried the whole "applying our knowledge" strategy in Predator 2 and it didn't work that one time, so obviously it can never work and applying knowledge is stupid! Now c'mon!

They HEAD OUT into the FOREST like idiots, allowing the APEX to finish his plan of DETONATING the spaceship and, presumably, its valuable cargo, thus dooming the planet. This upsets NOBODY.

AUGUSTO AGUILERA

At least we remembered to bring some redshirts!

REDSHIRTS

(die horribly)

BOYD HOLBROOK

And that bought us almost five seconds. Now what?

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

There's a clearing! We can lure Apex to a certain spot and then all attack at once, oh hey that's the same fucking plan we could have done back at the spaceship, except that wouldn't have been a limp shoutout to the first movie, well fuck me!!

They do the PLAN and manage to set APEX PREDATOR on FIRE!!

THOMAS JANE

FUCK IT THIS IS MY BEST CHANCE TO BE DONE WITH THIS SHIT

(leaps onto flaming Predator)

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

NOOO YOU'RE NOT DYING AND LEAVING ME BEHIND IN THIS CRAP

(attacks also)

THOMAS gets thrown and impaled on a TREE and KEEGAN gets his guts ripped out. With their dying breaths, they tragic-heroically SHOOT each other and then head over to the crafts table before playing some Xbox. Oh also while you were reading that STERLING blew up and died and is in a cab to the airport to catch the EMMYS.

APEX PREDATOR

NOW TO SWITCH FROM INSTANT-KILL MODE TO THROW-YOU-AROUND MODE

(tosses Boyd and Olivia about)

BOYD HOLBROOK

Wait! I'm the one you want! Take me! Not like anything's stopping you from killing and/or taking whoever you damn well want.

APEX PREDATOR

ACTUALLY I WANT... JACOB, DUN DUN DUNNN, WHATATWIIIST. HE WILL BE YOUR LEADER.

APEX grabs JACOB and heads back to HIS spaceship!

OLIVIA MUNN

Oh I see now, it's because autism is the next stage of human evolution and holy fuck what the fuck am I even saying?!? Dear God this fucking reddit thread of a movie CANNOT end fast enough.

The APEX'S SHIP begins taking off so BOYD, TREVANTE, and AUGUSTO hit on the brilliant plan of JUMPING ONTO IT which, not sure what you're hoping to achieve there boys. This isn't a garbage truck, it's going to outer fucking space.

BOYD HOLBROOK

The ship's forcefield is activating piece by piece, the way energy fields do! I'm gonna dive UNDERNEATH it!

TREVANTE RHODES

And I'm gonna dive OVER TOP of it... oops. Now I'm stuck outside and I'm gonna die. Shit.

AUGUSTO AGUILERA

Well just so you don't feel TOO bad, I'M not gonna dive at all, I'm gonna stand here and try shooting the forcefield!

(this DOES NOT WORK, LIKE, SO FUCKING HARD)

YEP THAT WAS THE WORST CHOICE ALL RIGHT, FAREWELL LEGS

(dead)

TREVANTE RHODES

Since I'm fucked, might as well jump into an engine! Bye bye Boydie!

(dead)

The ship begins losing altitude! BOYD manages to skid down the surface to an opening and get ON BOARD!

BOYD HOLBROOK

No way does the Apex expect me to be here. This is a huge tactical advantage of surprise so GONNA JUST LEAN OUT AND SHOOT BANG BANG BANG well that did fuck all.

BOYD gets his leg lassooed and tied to a PANEL (and let's not forget, the APEX has demonstrated endless ability to blenderize dudes in less than a second from long range) and as parts of the ship start getting ripped off, BOYD gets sucked back OUTSIDE and gets SMASHED AGAINST TREES and finally he and the ship and the whole sorry mess CRASH.

APEX PREDATOR

WELL TIME TO THROW YOU AROUND SOME MORE

(does so)

AAAAND MAYBE FINALLY TRY KILLING YOU, THOUGH I'M SURPRISED THAT WHOLE CRASH SEQUENCE DIDN'T DO THE TRICK

But OLIVIA has used the PREDABALL to be invisible!! She attacks!

OLIVIA MUNN

Good thing he wasn't in heat vision mode while I patiently stood waiting!

APEX is stunned just enough for JACOB to use the ship's forcefield to SEVER APEX'S ARM! The arm flies towards BOYD!

BOYD HOLBROOK

Looks like I caught up in the ARMS race, shithead! Luckily your arm also has a gun on it.

He SHOOTS the APEX PREDATOR DEAD, YAY!!

INT. EPILOGUE -- SHINY NEW SECRET ARMY BASE

Having spent the whole movie killing government contractors BOYD is of course now IN CHARGE of everything!

NEW SCIENTIST

Welcome Boyd. Turns out the super precious cargo had a failsafe eject which you'd think Apex would have known about, but didn't. We're about to open it now--

BOYD HOLBROOK

OOH OOOH WAIT LEMME GUESS! This is the thing that's supposed to save all humanity from climate change AND the increasing waves of evil Predators right? It's gotta be awesome... is it a supergerm that only kills Predators?

JACOB TREMBLAY

The writing on the pod translates to "Predator Killer". OOOH OOOH is it a clone of 1987 Arnie?! Maybe genetically enhanced?!?

OLIVIA MUNN

OOH OOH is it some kind of atmospheric technology that can reverse climate change?! I know I wasn't in this scene, probably took Predadog to the dog park but fuck that, I wanna see!

They OPEN the pod and find a SINGLE SLEEVE--that transforms into RADICAL EXTREME PREDARMOUR DESIGNED BY A TEENAGER IN 1993 WHILE DOODLING IN CLASS OH YEAHHHH!!!!

BOYD HOLBROOK

It's... a suit. ONE suit. Yeah, thanks a heap asshole. We're fucked.

END