FADE IN:

We start with a SPOILER (why does all horror do this nowadays?) of LOGAN MILLER trapped in a giant trash compactor.

LOGAN MILLER

Ahh! Must solve the puzzle to escape... the way out requires a secret word... Is it Dianoga? No? HEEEEELP

INT. COLLEGE - SEVERAL DAYS EARLIER

TAYLOR RUSSELL must escape from being too shy in class.

TEACHER

Okay students, today's english lecture will be on... Hang on, science class? Quantum Mechanics? How the fuck are we supposed to work Quantum Mechanics into the movie's theme?

TAYLOR RUSSELL

(mumbling)

I think atoms behave DIFFERENT under OBSERVATION.

TEACHER

A stretch, but it'll do! You're a genius! Your assignment is to scare the crap out of yourself.

TAYLOR RUSSELL

Do I need that? I'm the sole survivor of a plane crash where I was trapped for a week under my mother's corpse.

TEACHER

Yeesh, your other assignment is to tell Hollywood to tone down backstory tragedies.

We also meet JAY ELLIS who is a SMARMY DIPSHIT.

JAY ELLIS

But I'm sure in the face of danger my outward facade will disappear and my latent humanity underneath will-

Ha ha sure buddy. Last we meet LOGAN MILLER, lousy stockboy.

LOGAN MILLER

Excuse me boss, I could really use more money for cigs and therapy so could I have a promotion maybe?

They all receive ESCAPE ROOM INVITATIONS from friends. Good thing nobody contacts or thanks any of these friends for the EXPENSIVE GIFT but instead heads to the Escape Room building, past the LEERING SECURITY GUARD whose entire job is NOT CREEPING PEOPLE OUT so he's probably getting thrown in the room with the next batch of suckers.

INT. VERY ORDINARY WAITING ROOM

The three heroes sit around the regular waiting room.

DEBORAH ANN WOLL

Wait I'm here too! I'm a tough veteran with PTSD who

(sighs)

Yeah, I'm not sure why they're trying to convince you that anybody you're just meeting will survive. You know better.

TYLER LABINE

I'm here too! I look like a shlubby working-class creep but I actually have a heart of gold! It'll be you guys and me vs. Evil!

NIK DODANI

(jitters)

Oh boy guys I'm so excited! I've done over ninety escape rooms! So either I'm really rich or I'm friends with the CEO of Groupon, because-

LOGAN MILLER

Yeah I'm only here for the ten-thousand I was promised for winning. Which, what, is that ten-thousand each? Is there only one winner? Will we be pitted against each other?

NIK DODANI

(vibrating)

Sounds like you need the Escape Room rules! Rule One: Sticking fingers into outlets is NOT the answer. Rule Two: Those evil heat lamps turning on are probably just for immersion. Rule Three: this IS the room! Let's look for CLUES to solve PUZZLES and ESCAPE!

JAY ELLIS

Clues. Hmm.

(moves head around)

Are they on this patch of floor? Maybe on that patch of floor over there?

DEBORAH ANN WOLL

(walking slowly toward wall)

Will this blasé attitude get me the ten thousand dollars faster?

TYLER LABINE

When do we get the Portal gun?

TAYLOR RUSSELL

My genius brain tells me to TEST A COMBINATION!

She does that and the EVIL HEAT LAMPS get hotter!

JAY ELLIS

Dammit Taylor, you've made everything worse! From now on, just stand there, maybe that's the answer, okay?

NIK DODANI

Seriously, you guys? Maybe you could listen to tips from the only experienced gamer? How would standing still for a long time solve a puzzle?

TYLER LABINE

Well there was this horrible 2003 expansion pack for-

LOGAN MILLER

Maybe the answer is randomly throwing shit around!

Surprisingly the GAME MASTERS are sick of THIS KIND OF FUCKING GROUP AGAIN so they increase the temperature from HELLBOY'S CROTCH to MCDONALD'S COFFEE.

TAYLOR RUSSELL

Aha! We have to hold down these hidden buttons with these glasses of water to open a passage out!

DEBORAH ANN WOLL

But oh no! There's not enough water! We're doomed! WE'RE DOOMED!

NIK DODANI

There are like forty other props we could use as a weight, this is literally the easiest-

LOGAN MILLER

Here! Use this stack of negative reviews for January movies!

It is VERY EFFECTIVE! They ESCAPE the ROOM!

INT. ROOM 2 - CABIN IN A FOREST ENVIRONMENT

TYLER LABINE

Alright guys, we need a seven-letter word. The clue is "You'll go down in history."

LOGAN MILLER

Oh, so Rudolph.

TAYLOR RUSSELL

Hmm, it's on a Christmas-themed plaque. Could it be referring to... James Madison?

(her actual suggestion)

LOGAN MILLER

I think it's Rudolph.

JAY ELLIS

I wonder if the answer could be hidden in these deer antlers mounted all over the wall?

(there are actually deer antlers all over the wall)

LOGAN MILLER

This is so obvious, it's-

DEBORAH ANN WOLL

"Obvious!" That word has seven letters! Try "Obvious!"

Eventually they leave the POINTLESS ROOM OF NO DEATHTRAPS and enter an icy lake forest thing.

JAY ELLIS

Shit, it's death by hypothermia! Keep in mind we still all think this is a REALLY IMMERSIVE puzzle game.

DEBORAH ANN WOLL

They gave us one winter jacket to share, let’s first give it to the girl wearing a sweater.

They walk around when NIK is killed!

DEBORAH ANN WOLL

Nik! Oh no! Not the guy we all hoped would die first!

JAY ELLIS

This... this is real. We're in actual mortal danger. I will react to this as if realizing I am out of toothpaste. Nooo, not Nik.

TAYLOR RUSSELL

Wait, so what did Nik do exactly? He didn't fail a puzzle or step on a trap, the game-masters randomly sucked him under the ice. We all stepped on that spot several times. Did they find him as annoying as we did?

DEBORAH ANN WOLL

I've got a plan! The other rooms had rugs, right? One of us should roll up in a rug and play dead, then unroll when the rug is carried outside, and then we can escape Room!

TYLER LABINE

Or we could get this key out of this ice block, the actual puzzle. Let's stick our fingers on every surface in the least-efficient heating method possible.

There is some hard-core WATCHING ICE MELT before moving on.

INT. UPSIDE-DOWN BILLIARDS ROOM

TAYLOR RUSSELL

Oh, this room's cool. We have to climb to upside-down furniture on the ceiling and solve puzzles while bits of the floor gradually break away down a death shaft.

JAY ELLIS

And with the emphasis on physical action, we can cut really fast around the actual puzzles so the audience has no time to process what they are or how we're figuring them out!

They collectively solve the puzzle and DEBORAH gets a critical BALL. But she DROPS it and it's rolling toward the edge!

LOGAN MILLER

Don't grab it, Deborah! Let it go! Yes, we are collectively telling you to lose the one thing that can save us, and hope the game masters open the door for our demonstrated team spirit.

But this shitty plan does NOT appeal to DEBORAH and she grabs the knob, throwing it to the others but falling to her death.

TYLER LABINE

Pick up BALL. Use ball on DOOR. You have crafted DOORBALL. Enter DIRTY HOSPITAL? YES/NO

INT. DIRTY HOSPITAL ROOM

Having reached the EXPOSITION LEVEL and also the WHAT-IF-SAW-WAS-PG-13 room, the players find files about their pasts.

TAYLOR RUSSELL

It seems we were all sole survivors of horrible accidents, and the puzzles were designed to trigger our PTSD. I bet the game masters would've been REALLY pissed if we'd all burned up in the first room and all this personalized research, design, and construction went to waste.

LOGAN MILLER

Look out, poison gas! Very... slow poison gas. You know, I kind of thought these death traps would have timers, not arbitrary moments where they become just deadly enough to matter.

TYLER LABINE

This clue references an EKG and something about limits. It also says it’s from the sign painter. Hmm, what could we do with this EKG machine...

JAY ELLIS

Of course! The answer is to electrocute you with a defibrillator!

He does this and it KILLS TYLER.

JAY ELLIS

Um, oops. Maybe the answer is to stick my face directly into this stream of poison!

(does so)

LOGAN MILLER

(pause)

Did you find that Reddit thread about dumb things Escape Room employees have seen and mistake it for a walkthrough?

JAY ELLIS

Surprisingly, my poison-face idea WAS THE ANSWER!

TAYLOR, meanwhile, is smashing the cameras.

TAYLOR RUSSELL

Maybe if we're NOT OBSERVED we can act DIFFERENT! Assuming these insanely rich people didn't plant smaller cameras or microphones.

LOGAN MILLER

Maybe the answer isn't to die of poison perhaps?

JAY and LOGAN escape while TAYLOR DIES! THE CAMERA SHOWS THIS ENTIRE THING HAPPENING SO YOU KNOW IT'S NOT A FAKEOUT!

INT. BLACK-AND-WHITE ROOM - WHERE YOU CAN STUDY ALL ABOUT COLOR BUT YOU WON'T GET TO SEE IT UNTIL YOU LEAVE

LOGAN MILLER

Jay, I've deduced you survived your boat crash by murdering your friend and stealing his jacket.

JAY ELLIS

Yeah, so?

LOGAN MILLER

Just setting up who to root for in case we get pitted against each other soon.

TRIPPY GAS floods the room and the floor starts spinning! They have to find the antidote or they'll bad trip to death!

LOGAN MILLER

MAYBE THE ANSWER IS BANGING ON WALLS BLARGH BLARGH

(it works)

Oh. Huh. Yes, they've given us only one shot of antidote that lowers our sanity meters to non-lethal levels, so no matter how many of us survived this far it was always going to devolve into "Hunger Games with Acid Gas."

JAY ELLIS

That's probably everyone's favorite part anyway.

(head bonked)

Argh, you've B.D.-Wonged me!

(dies)

LOGAN gets the antidote! He falls out of the ANTICHAMBER and into...

INT. OPENING TRASH COMPACTOR ROOM

LOGAN is about to get crushed, and if this room exists only to be a trash compactor then DAMN these evil bastards went all-out on the decor, when FLOOPY WOOPY WOO he escapes!

LOGAN MILLER

God this movie is devolving fast. Is it over or do I have to meet the evil designers or something?

YORICK VAN WAGENINGEN

(stepping forth)

BEHOLD! It is I, the architect! I design Escape Rooms for the secret global power who has no objective beyond watching people die in Escape Rooms!

LOGAN MILLER

Jesus that's lame! You could've said "A mysterious cosmic entity did it for some reason," it's the endless cop-out for bizarre stuff. So you do this every year?

YORICK VAN WAGENINGEN

Yes, this year's theme was "Survivors of Horrible Accidents." Next year we'll be doing "Disappointed Fanboys," I've got a Grindelwald room and a Canto Bight room and a Bernie Sanders room and-

TAYLOR RUSSELL

(bursting in)

TIME FOR THE CATHARTIC DEATH OF A GUY WE JUST MET!

TAYLOR shoots YORICK! Which is cathartic for fans of STIEG LARSSON.

LOGAN MILLER

Taylor! How did you escape?

TAYLOR RUSSELL

I found a working oxygen mask in a room designed to kill me with poison gas and apparently was able to use it without actually sticking it on my face.

LOGAN MILLER

So we made it! We're free!

TAYLOR RUSSELL

Yes, but I thought we could have a way-too-long sequel setup where we go to a hospital, lead the police back but the rooms are gone, the deaths look staged, we get over our trauma, I solve some more puzzles and find a secret headquarters, we plan to take it down by flying there and yelling at the door I guess, the bad guys run a simulation for turning our plane into a flying Escape Room before meeting with the shadowy overlords who control all of society, and this small fun concept disappears up its own butthole.

LOGAN MILLER

I'd like to see it escape from that.

END