FADE IN:

EXT. A PLAIN OF DERRY, MAINE THAT’S MAINLY IN THE RAIN - DAY, 1960

TONY DAKOTA is playing with a PAPER BOAT in the GUTTERS along the street.

TONY DAKOTA

Golly, I sure love boats! And my brother! And having two arms!

His BOAT pours into a STORM DRAIN, where a CLOWN picks it up.

CLOWN

(smiles)

Hiya, Tony! You want your boat back? Reach that juicy little arm down here and grab it!

TONY DAKOTA

My parents told me not to talk to strange clowns I find in the sewer...

CLOWN

My name is Timmywise the Dancing Curry! I’m a shapeshifting, child-eating alien that took on the image of a clown because kids love clowns! I also took on this gruff, chain-smoker voice because kids love Jimmy Durante, right?

TONY DAKOTA

I guess we’re not strangers anymore! You’re so disARMing!

TIMMYWISE THE DANCING CURRY

(puts on lobster bib)

Great! Now reach in and grab your boat! I’ll give you a free balloon!

TONY DAKOTA

(reaches into sewer)

Do they float?

TIMMYWISE THE DANCING CURRY

(grabs arm)

Yes! They float!

(bares razor-sharp fangs)

Down here, YOU’LL FLOAT TOO! HA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA!

EXT. DERRY - DAY, 1990

The POLICE are investigating a LITTLE GIRL’S DISAPPEARANCE. The ONLY BLACK PERSON IN TOWN, TIM REID enters.

TIM REID

Has another child been murdered?! IT’s back...

POLICE OFFICER

Don’t give me another one of your “sewer clown” theories! All we’ve found is a trail of blood leading to the sewer, some balloon animals-

(holds up balloon poodle)

-and this picture of Tony Dakota, who was murdered in a similar way exactly 30 years ago.

TIM REID

(facepalms)

EXT. FOREST - DAY, 1960

TIM FLASHES BACK to when he was played by MARLON TAYLOR. He is being CHASED by THREE GREASER DOUCHEBAGS, led by JARRED “FLOCK OF SEAGULLS” BLANCARD.

MARLON "THE BLACK KID" TAYLOR

Help! I just ran-

(breathes heavily)

I ran so far away-

(collapses)

I couldn’t get away...

MARLON falls near a RIVER and a group of LOSER KIDS run to his aid.

“STUTTERING” JONATHAN BRANDIS

What the f-f-f-

SETH “COMIC RELIEF” GREEN

What the fuck happened to you?!

JARRED AND THE JETSSSSSS run up. A JAZZY BEAT fades in.

JARRED “FLOCK OF SEAGULLS” BLANCARD

(singing)

Boy, boy, colored boy,

Be COOL, boy!

I’ll put a ROCKET in your POCKET,

Blow off your jewels, boy!

(snaps fingers rhythmically)

Don’t get hot-

JARRED is interrupted by a ROCK IN THE FACE. THE LOSERS start PELTING them with STONES.

JET #1

(belches)

Oh, no! They’ve got rocks and we only have switchblades!

JET #2

Cheese it!

They RUN AWAY, leaving JARRED behind.

JARRED “FLOCK OF SEAGULLS” BLANCARD

I’LL KILL YOU ALL!

(walks away)

I’ll kill you all!

(voice fades)

I know I say that all the time and you’re probably desensitized by now but I really mean it this...

(fades out)

JONATHAN and SETH help MARLON up.

“STUTTERING” JONATHAN BRANDIS

Welcome to the L-L-L-L-

SETH “COMIC RELIEF” GREEN

Welcome to the Loser’s Club.

(turns to JONATHAN)

Sorry, but we don’t have time for this shit.

(turns to group)

Everybody introduce yourselves and remember: This is an 1,100 page book that was condensed into a three hour movie which we’re condensing AGAIN into an abridged script so MAKE IT SNAPPY!

BRANDON “FATTY BOOMBALATTY” CRANE

Wasn’t this technically a TV miniseries and not a movie? Can we even abridge this-?

SETH “COMIC RELIEF” GREEN

Shut it! There’s SEVEN protagonists, for fuck’s sake! GO! GO! GO!

BRANDON “FATTY BOOMBALATTY” CRANE

FINE! As you can tell from my nickname, I’m fat, so I’m a LOSER.

ADAM “SICKBOY” FARAIZL

(puffs inhaler)

I’m a fragile mama’s boy with asthma, so I’m a LOSER.

SETH “COMIC RELIEF” GREEN

(makes “wrap it up” hand gesture)

EMILY “THE GIRL” PERKINS

(speaks rapidly)

I’m the daughter of a poor, creepy janitor-

BEN “THE BIRD JEW” HELLER

I’m a Jewish Boy Scout with a chubby for bird watching-

“STUTTERING” JONATHAN BRANDIS

I have a problem with st-st-

SETH “COMIC RELIEF” GREEN

We get it!

(to MARLON)

I’m a four-eyed, ginger loudmouth and you’re the only dark kid in a sea of whiteys so we gotta stick together!

MARLON "THE BLACK KID" TAYLOR

Cool.

(beat)

So... Anyone been terrorized by a demonic clown lately...?

ADAM starts violently COUGHING.

ADAM “SICKBOY” FARAIZL

(puffs inhaler)

The clown appeared in the locker room shower and threatened to eat me!

EMILY “THE GIRL” PERKINS

IT can change into your worst fear! IT filled my bathroom with blood-

(turns to ADAM)

Wait, you’re afraid of clowns?

ADAM “SICKBOY” FARAIZL

I’m afraid of SHOWERING with clowns. It’s a very rare phobia...

BEN “THE BIRD JEW” HELLER

IT appeared to me as a mummy, wearing a faded clown suit...

BRANDON “FATTY BOOMBALATTY” CRANE

IT appeared as my dead dad, holding balloons-

SETH “COMIC RELIEF” GREEN

(interrupts)

You’re a Fat Bastard? Never thought I’d have to appear in more than one franchise with that asshole...

(beat)

IT started as a Werewolf but then turned into a clown.

EMILY “THE GIRL” PERKINS

Why all the clown shit?! Did coulrophobia even EXIST before this movie came out?

“STUTTERING” JONATHAN BRANDIS

(shouts into the Derry air)

You k-k-killed my b-b-b-brother, you b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-fucking clown!

(turns to group)

We have to kill IT.

INT. THE SEWERS - DAY, STILL 1960

THE LOSERS enter the DARK TUNNEL.

EMILY "THE GIRL" PERKINS

(holding slingshot)

These butt-ugly earrings are pure silver - they should kill IT.

MARLON "THE BLACK KID" TAYLOR

(sighs heavily)

I know we're fighting an immortal evil that's probably immune to weapons, but THAT'S IT?! Not even a Lawn Dart or Austin Magic Pistol or any of the other projectile weapons we call "toys" in the '60s?

JARRED and his TWO DROOGS appear and SNATCH BEN.

JARRED “FLOCK OF SEAGULLS” BLANCARD

I'm SINGING in a storm drain!

Just singin' in a DRAIN!

(opens switchblade)

Any last words?

BEN “THE BIRD JEW” HELLER

Have I even HAD any lines so far? Honestly, I forgot I was in this...

(continues being wallpaper)

JET #1

True... It's like the author ran out of character development and just gave characters random quirks-

(belches)

-to differentiate them.

JET #2

I'm just glad we're killing off the superfluous characters now - things will be much simpler in the next act.

(beat)

Uh-oh...

TIMMYWISE arrives and KILLS THE GODDAMN JETS but BEN ESCAPES because LUCKY SEVEN OR WHATEVER. The ROOM goes DARK.

JARRED “FLOCK OF SEAGULLS” BLANCARD

... Belch?

(silence)

... Other kid?

TIMMYWISE reappears and turns into WHATEVER WAS IN MARSELLUS WALLACE'S BRIEFCASE.

JARRED “FLOCK OF SEAGULLS” BLANCARD

I've been blinded by the light!

Revved up like a DOUCHE,

And now my hair is turning white!

THIS HAPPENS. JARRED becomes CATATONIC as the CALLIOPE CRASHES TO THE GROUND.

INT. STILL THE SEWERS - STILL DAY, STILL 1960

BEN catches up with the GROUP right as ANKLE-HIGH FOG begins ROLLING IN.

"STUTTERING” JONATHAN BRANDIS

IT's coming! Everyone hold hands and focus on something else!

TIMMYWISE transforms into a WEREWOLF wearing a LETTERMAN JACKET and puts ITS CLAWS on SETH'S SHOULDERS.

SETH “COMIC RELIEF” GREEN

There's nothing there!

(hands shrink away)

There is no spoon...

BRANDON “FATTY BOOMBALATTY” CRANE

Sometimes, my mom hides all the spoons...

TIMMYWISE transforms into a HORDE OF ZOMBIES.

MARLON "THE BLACK KID" TAYLOR

We should be hearing a Vincent Price monologue any minute now...

TIMMYWISE transforms into EMILY'S CREEPY JANITOR DAD.

TIMMYWISE THE DANCING CURRY

Come along now, Emily. It's time for your nap with Daddy!

(looks at ADAM)

And bring that smooth, little, sick boy along, too!

ADAM JUMPS in front of TIMMYWISE and HOLDS UP his INHALER.

ADAM “SICKBOY” FARAIZL

This is battery acid, you slime!

(sprays in face)

TIMMYWISE SCREAMS IN PAIN. His makeup MELTS AWAY and reveals the face of THRILLER-ERA MICHAEL JACKSON.

TIMMYWISE THE DANCING CURRY

(grabs BEN)

Your butt is mine!

(bares fangs)

SHAMONE!

EMILY fires the SLINGSHOT and HITS TIMMYWISE IN THE FACE.

TIMMYWISE THE DANCING CURRY

(nose falls off)

MARLON "THE BLACK KID" TAYLOR

(shakes head)

Real original, Kam...

ITS FACE CRACKS OPEN to reveal LIGHT UNDERNEATH.

TIMMYWISE THE DANCING CURRY

(squeezes into drain pipe)

I'll be back in 30 years!

"STUTTERING” JONATHAN BRANDIS

Wait, this shit's only HALF over?!

(grabs ITs hand)

We gotta stop him before we flash forward!

The KIDS all GRAB HOLD and PULL but IT'S TOO LATE.

TIMMYWISE THE DANCING CURRY

Let's doooooo the Time Warp agaaaaaaaaain!

INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT, BACK TO THE FUTURE

The KIDS have grown into ADULT LOSERS.

TIM "THE BLACK KID" REID

Thanks for coming back for Part II. As always, please keep your tragic backstories brief.

HARRY "COMIC RELIEF" ANDERSON

I became a famous radio host but my memory is kind of hazy-

(snorts line of cocaine)

I think I directed a flop in '86...

TIM "THE BLACK KID" REID

That's okay. I stayed behind and became a poor librarian to ensure we never forgot our duty to-

ANNETTE "THE GIRL" O'TOOLE

I'm sorry, who are you?

(does bump of coke)

I became a famous fashion designer but my memory's also hazy for some reason...

(nose bleeds)

Don't worry, that's not from the blow - my husband beats me.

JOHN “FATTY BOOMBALATTY” RITTER

(ogles ANNETTE)

I'm a famous architect but have seen how skinny I am you guys?!?!

(sniffs and fidgets)

I just kept my nose to the- uh, grindstone and the weight fell right off!

ANNETTE "THE GIRL" O'TOOLE

(hugs JOHN)

Yay for you!

JOHN “FATTY BOOMBALATTY” RITTER

(jerks away)

WHERE?!

DENNIS "SICKBOY" CHRISTOPHER

I own a successful limo company but I'm a virgin that still lives with his mom.

(pulls out inhaler)

So, I'm sure it goes without saying-

(takes long puff)

-this thing is LOADED with candy.

"STUTTERING” RICHARD THOMAS

And I'm a famous horror novelist!

(chugs bottle of scotch)

(dives into pool of cocaine)

(writes lengthy novel)

TIM "THE BLACK KID" REID

Fuckin' rich white people...

INT. HOTEL - NIGHT, 1990

The LOSERS have some DRINKS and REMINISCE.

JOHN “FATTY BOOMBALATTY” RITTER

Remember when that pre-teen sociopath carved his initials into my stomach?

(laughs)

Good times...

HARRY heads to the MINI BAR for another DRINK.

HARRY "COMIC RELIEF" ANDERSON

Where's the Boy Scout? Is that Semitic Sonuvabitch ever gonna show?

DENNIS "SICKBOY" CHRISTOPHER

Are we SURE he's not here already?

(checks nearby wall)

HARRY opens the FRIDGE and finds the SEVERED HEAD of RICHARD "THE BIRD JEW" MASUR.

RICHARD "THE BIRD JEW" MASUR

Hey everybody! I always wanted to be a decapitated insult comic so I slit my wrists in the bath tub- Hey Richard, everybody called you "Big Bill" in the book so does that make you a Big Dick?

(rimshot)

Hey Annette, how is it being married to Patrick Bateman? Does he whallop you to the sweet sounds of Phil Collins? Hey, Dick, what's that song from American Psycho called?

"STUTTERING” RICHARD THOMAS

Su-Su-Sussudio!

(rimshot)

RICHARD "THE BIRD JEW" MASUR

(silence)

Ooh... tough Editing Room.

(rimshot)

Anyway, Dick, your brother Tony's down here in the sewers and I'm afraid he's a floater.

(screams and convulses)

THEY ALL FLOAT! THEY ALL FLOOOOOOOAT!

ANNETTE "THE GIRL" O'TOOLE

Oh, God!

(retches)

His neck fat is so jiggly!

RICHARD "THE BIRD JEW" MASUR

(jiggles harder)

THEY ALL JIGGLE! THEY AAAAAAALLLLLL JIGGLE! THEY A-

HARRY SLAMS the DOOR SHUT.

DENNIS "SICKBOY" CHRISTOPHER

Wow!

(snorts inhaler)

I can't believe the black dude didn't die first!

TIM "THE BLACK KID" REID

I hate to be "that guy" but-

(collapses)

MICHAEL "FLOCK OF SEAGULLS" COLE stands BEHIND HIM, holding a BLOODY SWITCHBLADE.

MICHAEL "FLOCK OF SEAGULLS" COLE

IT sprang me from the asylum to kill you!

(brandishes knife)

Don't be fooled by my adorable, old man face. I'm incredbly danger-

(dies)

"STUTTERING” RICHARD THOMAS

Oh my G-G-G-G-G-FUCK!

(slaps own face)

We need to call an amb- Hey, knock it off, you two!

JOHN and ANNETTE are SLOPPILY MAKING OUT on the COUCH.

ANNETTE "THE GIRL" O'TOOLE

I'm sorry!

(snorts coke off JOHN's treasure trail)

But he wrote a poem about my pretty hair!

JOHN “FATTY BOOMBALATTY” RITTER

("Jims" the camera)

HARRY "COMIC RELIEF" ANDERSON

Relax, it's the '90s!

(snorts blow off hooker's ass)

We've all had to get rid of bodies before...

They RUSH TIM to the HOSPITAL and EXPERTLY COVER THEIR TRACKS by hanging a "DO NOT DISTURB" SIGN on the DOOR.

INT. THE SEWERS - THE NEXT DAY, THE YEAR NINETEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY

The FIVE REMAINING LOSERS enter the DARKNESS.

ANNETTE "THE GIRL" O'TOOLE

(holding slingshot)

I can't believe Tim kept these old earrings!

(bites metal)

I could get at least an 8-ball for these...

Suddenly, CG FOG THAT LOOKED SHITTY EVEN IN 1990 covers the CEILING and PROJECTS the image of TIMMYWISE.

TIMMYWISE THE DANCING CURRY

(laughs evilly)

You'll never defeat me! You know what I ate for breakfast? Children! You know what I ate for lunch? CHILDREN!

DENNIS "SICKBOY" CHRISTOPHER

What did you eat for dinner?

JOHN “FATTY BOOMBALATTY” RITTER

Was it children?

IT REMATERIALIZES as THE SCORPION KING from THE MUMMY RETURNS and CHARGES.

TIMMYWISE THE CG SCORPION KING

(looks even shittier)

HARRY "COMIC RELIEF" ANDERSON

How much of our budget got blown on drugs?

STEPHEN KING'S GIANT MOUND OF COKE

No comment.

RICHARD confidently STRIDES toward TIMMYWISE.

"STUTTERING” RICHARD THOMAS

You're just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvannia.

You're just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvannia!

YOU'RE JUST A SWEET TRANSVESTITE-

TIMMYWISE SCREECHES with PAIN and REARS UP.

TIMMYWISE THE CG SCORPION KING

Check my Deadlights and put it in neutral!

TIMMYWISE FLASHES THEM with LIGHT from his CHEST.

"STUTTERING” RICHARD THOMAS

(dazed)

Soyyyyyyy un perdedorrrrrrr...

HARRY and JOHN run to HELP but get MESMERIZED by the LIGHTS.

HARRY "COMIC RELIEF" ANDERSON

I'm a Loser babyyyyyyy...

JOHN “FATTY BOOMBALATTY” RITTER

So why don't you kill meeeee...

DENNIS COVERS HIS EYES and HOLDS OUT his INHALER.

DENNIS "SICKBOY" CHRISTOPHER

This is booger sugar, you slime!

(sprays)

The CREATURE HOWLS WITH PAIN and STABS DENNIS with its CLAW.

DENNIS "SICKBOY" CHRISTOPHER

(gingerly pokes wound)

This is gonna hurt like hell when I come back down... Feel free to help any time, Annette!

(dies)

ANNETTE "THE GIRL" O'TOOLE

(pops out of King's Coke Mound)

THE UNIVERSE IS VOMIT FROM A COSMIC TURTLE!

(aims slingshot)

Say "Hello" to my little friend!

The EARRING hits TIMMYWISE and the DEADLIGHTS EXTINGUISH. IT SCREECHES and RUNS AWAY.

JOHN, DICK, AND HARRY

(doing cocaine snow angels)

GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!

The FINAL FOUR LOSERS pounce and RIP ITS HEART OUT WITH THEIR BARE HANDS.

"STUTTERING” RICHARD THOMAS

(soaked in blood)

Wow, Annette - looks like you conquered your fear of blood!

ANNETTE "THE GIRL" O'TOOLE

(has cocaine mustache)

Anybody up for an orgy?

EXT. EPILOGUE

Some SHIT HAPPENS ONSCREEN while TIM NARRATES.

TIM "THE BLACK KID" REID (V.O.)

We couldn't get Morgan Freeman so I'm afraid you're stuck with me for the wrap-up.

(clears throat)

This one closes out quite nicely: John and Annette get married, Richard rescues his boring-ass girlfriend - we didn't bother mentioning her - and Seth becomes a cartoon voiceover. We may never know what happened to the clown-

TIMMYWISE THE DANCING CURRY (V.O.)

(interrupts)

Do come back to bed, darling!

(sings)

Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch meeeeeeee... I wanna be diiiirtyyyyyy...

TIM "THE BLACK KID" REID (V.O.)

... I gotta go.

END