FADE IN:

EXT. GENERIC WOODS - JUST OUTSIDE ANYSBURGH, USA

Small-town cops BILL MURRAY and ADAM DRIVER park outside the cemetery and enter the WOODS.

BILL MURRAY

Tom! You out here? Jarmusch is doing another super low-key, dry-humour riff on a genre movie, this time it's zombies.

ADAM DRIVER

We're calling it "undeadpan", or at least we should be. You want in?

TOM WAITS

(shoots at them)

BILL MURRAY

I take it that's a no?

TOM WAITS

Well he already hired Sturgill Simpson to do the theme song and not me so fuck you. Maybe I'll dick around on the edge of the story, throw in some voice-over, but that's it. Now fuck off.

ADAM DRIVER

It's cool, really we just want to cram as many famous names on the poster as possible.

MAIN CREDITS FEATURING CATCHY STURGILL SIMPSON SONG, MUCH CATCHIER THAN THAT SILLY OLD TOM WAITS WOULD DO, LOLZ OH WHOOPS PUT DOWN THE GUN TOM WE'RE SORRY

INT. COMPLETELY AVERAGE COP CAR

BILL and ADAM drive along when suddenly ADAM spots an ominous portent of the carnage to come, thematically foreshadowing a greater turns on the RADIO, which is playing the STURGILL SIMPSON song again.

ADAM DRIVER

Oh hey it's the main credits song. Of this movie that we are in, and people are watching. We are actors. FUCK YOU FOURTH WALL! FUCK YOUR STUPID CONCEPTUAL BITCH-ASS FUCKING FACE

BILL MURRAY

Let's do a full patrol so we can better introduce our low-key unassuming town full of familiar faces.

INT. STATISTICALLY MEDIAN DINER

Inside the diner DANNY GLOVER and STEVE BUSCEMI are recognizable actors.

DANNY GLOVER

I'm too old for this shit.

STEVE BUSCEMI

I'm a fucking professional.

ESZTER BALINT

Hello audience! Rosal Colon and I work here but we're not as famous. However I hear Tilda Swinton is coming up later, stay tuned!

INT. QUINTESSENTIALLY MID-AMERICAN GAS STATION

At the station DELIVERY GUY RZA is delivering deliverables to station owner CALEB LANDRY JONES.

CALEB LANDRY JONES

Witness my gas station kiosk crammed full of horror-film references! Especially zombie films! Let's give the audience plenty of time to look at all the cool memorabilia.

RZA

Should we do anything while-

CALEB LANDRY JONES

Shush! They're observing.

(pause)

(smiles at camera)

RZA

(waits)

INT. RUTHLESSLY MID-LEVEL JUVENILE DETENTION CENTRE

Inside the centre, a BOY KID is visiting two of the GIRL KIDS.

GIRL KID

So apparently polar fracking is a thing that exists in this movie, I guess that's how we've decided to account for the zombie uprising?

BOY KID

Yeah, can you imagine what horror movies would do without fresh new controversial industrial practices to hang plots on? Fortunately this scenario has never happened.

MUSCLE-BOUND ATTENDANT

Hey, boy kid! Get back to your section! And stay there, don't make us go through this entire scene again!

BOY KID

I have bad news for you.

INT. MOTEL LOCATED SMACK DAB IN THE PRECISE CENTRE OF A STANDARD DEVIATION GRAPH

On the television ROSIE PEREZ gives a news report.

ROSIE PEREZ

In other news, I've added my name to the poster. Good night.

MOTEL GUY

I run the motel. Also all my cats are missing! OoooOOOOOOoooooo!

INT. 50TH PERCENTILE WITHIN THE 50TH PERCENTILE TIMES INFINITY POLICE STATION

BILL and ADAM arrive back at the station where fellow cop CHLOE SEVIGNY is.

BILL MURRAY

Hey Chloe. We still got dead Carol Kane wrapped up in holding?

CHLOE SEVIGNY

We do.

BILL MURRAY

Okay tell you what, I'm gonna have a quick nap right next to her decomposing corpse while you guys go home. Cool?

ADAM DRIVER

Sounds good! Especially to me, the one person who knows what's going on and who should probably warn you. OK byyyyeeeeeee

EXT. ANYSBURGH, USA

Meanwhile ZOMBIE IGGY POP and ZOMBIE SARA DRIVER (no relation) emerge from their graves and head into the DINER.

IGGY CHOMP

(eats waitress)

SARA BITER

(eats other waitress)

The ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE has BEGUN! IGGY and SARA and the two NEW ZOMBIES continue their attack, causing the outbreak to RAPIDLY SPREAD, and the situation to SPIRAL OUT OF CONTROL leading to MAYHEM and PULSE-POUNDING ACTION grab some COFFEE and leave.

EXT. GAS STATION

The next morning, SELENA GOMEZ and her two FRIENDS arrive at the gas station in their VINTAGE CAR LIKE FROM THAT MOVIE OH HEY IT'S AN EASTER EGG DONT'CHA KNOW

SELENA GOMEZ

Hi, we're here for gas. I may seem like just a sweet young kid but I carry with me a troublesome burden, one that has brought me here, that I might find closure.

CALEB LANDRY JONES

That will be twenty bucks for the gas. Maybe I can help! Over the years I've learned all kinds of secrets about this town, I'm full of useful tidbits of information. Plus I have my own complex backstory that can help us bond over our shared traumatic experiences.

SELENA GOMEZ

Thanks. Meet me later outside the hotel. Bring flashlights, a camera, and something we can defend ourselves with, just in case. Bye!

A CHEESY SPARKLE EFFECT happens around SELENA as she leaves, because we can't leave PULP FICTION out of our pastiche of ZOMBIE MOVIES.

EXT. DINER

BILL has been called by DANNY GLOVER about the GRISLY DEATHS in the diner. He WALKS IN and is immediately overcome with revulsion, visibly shaken by the gruesome damage done to these people he knew looks around and walks out again.

BILL MURRAY

Huh.

ADAM DRIVER arrives in a SMART CAR which is SMALL even though he is BIG. He ENTERS the diner and is so overwhelmed he POWER VOMITS EVERYWHERE, staggers a bit and KEEPS PROJECTIVE RALPHING OVER EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, his upchucking powered by a primal revulsion that WILL NOT REST until every last ounce of semi-fluid matter in his gut has been PRESSURE-SPRAYED on every available surface looks around and walks out.

ADAM DRIVER

Huh.

Finally CHLOE SEVIGNY arrives in her PRIUS which is ELECTRIC and HILARIOUS. She ENTERS the diner just as the two victims RISE FROM THE DEAD and ATTACK! Stunned at first, CHLOE is slow to react and only when the undead fiends open their bloody maws does she SNAP OUT of her trance and LEAP into action! A nearby NAPKIN HOLDER provides a makeshift weapon that CHLOE uses to STUN the zombies, allowing her to dash behind the COUNTER and find a CHEF'S KNIFE, which she uses to DISMEMBER the foul ghouls before realizing only HEAD WOUNDS will stop them, and at the last moment she finds STEEL SKEWERS in the kitchen to STAB THE ZOMBIES THROUGH THE HEAD and looks around and walks out.

CHLOE SEVIGNY

...Huh.

DANNY GLOVER

I'm too old for this shit.

INT. FACTORY DEFAULT SETTINGS MORTUARY

Meanwhile in the morgue, TILDA SWINTON re-enacts scenes from KILL BILL with her SAMURAI SWORD, immediately becoming the MOST INTERESTING character in the movie.

TILDA SWINTON

More Tarantino, huh? Hm. I sense a need for... information.

TILDA does her best PAC-MAN WALK all the way into town, gets the names of the three COPS, and PAC-MAN WALKS all the way back.

TILDA SWINTON

Excellent. At this pace I will have gained a comprehensive knowledge of this town within the next 200 years.

(eats cherries)

(gets 500 points)

INT. JUVENILE DETENTION CENTRE

Inside the centre, BOY KID is again visiting two of the GIRL KIDS.

GIRL KID

So polar fracking is still a thing that exists in this movie.

BOY KID

Yeah, hey look, Rosie Perez is on TV.

MUSCLE-BOUND ATTENDANT

Hey, boy kid! Get back to your section! And stay there, don't make us go through this entire scene again!

BOY KID

Um.

INT. POLICE STATION

The COPS go about their routine unaware that outside, the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE has started AGAIN but FOR REALZ THIS TIME! They do, however, finally clue in when ZOMBIE CAROL KANE revives!

ZOMBIE CAROL KANE

Chhhhardonnaaaaayy....

ADAM DRIVER

She's craving what she wanted most in life! Now reduced to a hollow, soulless husk, she can only mindlessly repeat the single phrase that once sustained her being... basically she's become [please refer to Appendices 3A-3F for a list of choices for this punchline]!! DIE, FOUL ABOMINATION

(hacks up Carol)

INT. INTRO-LEVEL GOTTA-PAY-FOR-CUSTOMIZING-FEATURES HARDWARE STORE

Meanwhile DANNY and CALEB have barricaded themselves in the store, and gathered LOTS AND LOTS OF WEAPONS.

CALEB LANDRY JONES

We seem to be pretty set. Oh, did we remember to fortify the front AND back door, or just-

(zombies storm in through back door)

Oops.

Faced with onrushing doom, DANNY and CALEB decide to use the hardware equipment not for violence, but for hope. In their final moments before the onslaught they manufacture a crude monument to their mutual friendship, something that will persevere long after their bodies are devoured. It being finished, the two men lock eyes, years of unspoken thoughts passing between them; but just then!

SELENA GOMEZ

(barging in)

Hold on! I'm here to rescue you! NOT TODAY ASSHOLES!

SELENA grabs a large SAW and begins HACKING DOWN ZOMBIES! DANNY and CALEB seize on this spark of hope and FIGHT BACK, no longer resigned to imminent death but revitalized, now fighting for something larger than their own mundane existences, now fighting for a community, for all humanity. Armed with this new sense of purpose, they TURN THE TIDE grab the most useless things in the store and get eaten and die.

DANNY GLOVER

I'm too dead for this shit.

EXT. STEVE'S SUPREMELY TYPICAL FARM

Meanwhile STEVE BUSCEMI walks into a crowd of zombies and dies.

EXT. STANDARD ISSUE STREET

Oh yeah RZA is dead too.

EXT. JUVENILE DETENTION CENTRE

But the THREE KIDS are okay!

GIRL KID

Phew, hiding in that closet saved us! Let's get outta here!

BOY KID

And now we're in a street full of zombies. We'd better hide! Follow me, I know a place!

OTHER GIRL KID

...Is it back inside the closet we just left?

BOY KID

(pause)

Maybe.

They run off to HIDE and stumble across an ANCIENT WEAPON which has the power to DEFEAT the zombie menace, if they can only SUMMON THEIR COURAGE and LEARN TO WORK TOGETHER and TIP ADULTS INTO SWIMMING POOLS and we never see them again so maybe they live.

INT. POLICE STATION

The COPS are standing around when TILDA arrives at their door.

TILDA SWINTON

Hello. I was putting excessive makeup on my corpses when they suddenly woke up, so I thought I'd better see what's what. It appears we have a bit of a zombie problem.

BILL MURRAY

Yep. We were just trying to decide if we, with all our guns and cop gear and duty to the public, should try to help the public or not. We're almost finished our list of pros and cons...

TILDA SWINTON

Why don't you go do your fucking job while I hold the fort. Also if I could have the keys to Adam's car, then I could hold the fort over at the cemetery and you could meet me there. I don't really know what "hold the fort" means.

ADAM DRIVER

My keys? Seriously? It's just that they're on a Star Destroyer keychain, and being allowed to show that on film is gonna take like 4000 phone calls, I'm not even kidding.

However after some tense negotiation ADAM is able to show the STAR DESTROYER KEYCHAIN! He gives TILDA the keys and prepares to head out with BILL and CHLOE. They gather their guns and gear and forge a plan.

BILL MURRAY

One major thing on our side is these zombies are super slow and they don't even always attack. We should be able to run rings around them.

ADAM DRIVER

We could also make a choke point to funnel them towards us and kill a few at a time. They're clearly not smart.

CHLOE SEVIGNY

Plus we can use the car strategically to drive half a block or so, to keep our distance. Really if we're methodical and smart about this, it should be no trouble at all to clear most of the town ourselves.

They HEAD OUT and in an HOUR or so, have greatly reduced the number of zombies and created a stronghold where they can gather survivors drive around aimlessly doing nothing.

EXT. MOTEL

Eventually the cops find themselves at the MOTEL. They head over to the room where SELENA and her FRIENDS are staying, and find that they have easily overpowered ZOMBIE MOTEL OWNER GUY and are planning their next move.

BILL MURRAY

Wait a minute. You're not just some random tourists, are you?!? What's really going on??

SELENA GOMEZ

Might as well come clean. Years ago my older brother worked in this town, but he disappeared. Police, feds, they found nothing, said he must have run off. But I knew different. Wasn't like him to run.

(loads shotgun)

He had a job at the chemical plant, and before he vanished he told me strange things were happening there. Chemicals being dumped into the ground, not by accident either. On purpose. He mentioned one person in particular, a Dr. Nylander, who was in charge of some kind of secret project. So that's who I'm here to find. These are my brother's old buddies, they used to cut school to make records together. Ricardo sure played a mean harmonica.

CHLOE SEVIGNY

Wait a sec, Nylander... I know that name! He belongs to that secret society club with Prof. Matthews and Mr. Marner!

ADAM DRIVER

And I've got the extra key to the old manor they meet in! C'mon, let's get to the bottom of this.

The team GEAR UP and head out to the OLD MANOR, along the way DISPATCHING dozens of the undead with their combined FIGHTING PROWESS. Finally they approach the twisted metal gates, flecked with decay, discoloured by age. With trepidation they gaze upwards at the imposing structure, its dim light beckoning to them as gradually, a humanoid shape reveals itself and are all FUCKING DEAD. ADAM decapitates them, making sure we get a GOOD LOOOONG LOOK at SELENA GOMEZ'S SEVERED HEAD for whatever reason, and while also snagging a STURGILL SIMPSON CD.

EXT. THE WOODS

TOM WAITS is still in the woods.

TOM WAITS

Fuck you.

INT. POLICE STATION

Meanwhile TILDA SWINTON sits down at the computer and with a WAVE OF HER HAND activates everything, then types THIRTEEN BAZILLION WORDS A MINUTE as she feeds unintelligible CODE into it, and NO STRIKETHROUGH TEXT THIS TIME, THAT REALLY HAPPENS. She hops into ADAM'S SMARTCAR and begins driving through town, easily avoiding zombies, like, SO VERY EASILY.

TILDA SWINTON

But wait! That one in particular is wearing a tartan not of her family. Begone!

(slices zombie in half)

This one has a Winnipeg Blue Bombers jacket despite bearing socks with the crest of Alberta!

(dissects zombie)

And THIS one's coat displays pins of House Stark AND House Lannister, like WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT

(juliennes zombie)

EXT. TOTES UNREMARKABLE RIGHT DOWN TO ITS COMPONENT ATOMS CEMETERY

Back at the CEMETERY it turns out that the COPS have successfully done ONE THING which is to GET THEIR SQUAD CAR STUCK ON TOP OF A PILE OF ZOMBIES, WAY TO FUCKING GO CHAMPS

ADAM DRIVER

Hey, I also macheted exactly one zombie on our way here. In this movie that practically makes me every Alice from every Resident Evil movie combined.

BILL MURRAY

Welp looks like we're fucked. Don't know why Tilda said to meet here anyway-

Just then TILDA appears across the CEMETERY as an HONEST TO GOD FUCKING SPACESHIP appears above her, emitting a strange beam that pacifies the zombies!

BILL MURRAY

This would seem to be an EXCELLENT time to escape but instead let's watch.

CHLOE SEVIGNY

After all, maybe Tilda's here to save us! Or maybe the zombies are part of an alien invasion? Either way we should at least finally find out...

As they watch with bated breath, TILDA is surprised by the sudden arrival of CALEB and the THREE KIDS, just as a HUGE EXPLOSION goes off in the distance!

CALEB LANDRY JONES

Yes, thank God, we destroyed the chemical plant!! At least Selena's sacrifice was not in vain.

TILDA SWINTON

Oh no... do you realize what you've done?!?

GIRL KID

We sure do! We know all about the chemicals being dumped to create zombies, and that you aliens are behind everything! Well go find some other planet to ruin, shithead! Or should I say... Dr. Nylander?!!

TILDA SWINTON

Oh bravo, you noticed we create all our aliases off NHL hockey players. You understand why we thought nobody in middle America would notice. But I'm afraid you've got it... all wrong.

BOY KID

Huh?

TILDA SWINTON

The zombies weren't created by us. We were dumping those chemicals to PREVENT them from waking up! It contained a special formula to keep the zombies dormant... it was the only means of keeping your planet safe. Now that it's gone, I regret to say your planet... is doomed.

CALEB LANDRY JONES

Dammit! If only we had let corporate pollution run its course unimpeded!! NOOOOO

TILDA SWINTON

However even though Earth is lost, there is some hope. Our alien fleet can still save some of your population, as long as it's understood the Boston Bruins, Columbus Blue Jackets, and Montreal Canadiens are NOT INVITED.

Everyone gathers around TILDA as the alien ship's lights grow brighter TILDA gets beamed up alone to her SHIP and FUCKS RIGHT THE HELL OFF.

CHLOE SEVIGNY

My God, everyone in this movie is so fucking useless. I'm gonna say fuck it and go chill with my Grandma over there

(eaten)

BILL MURRAY

Guess it's just us now, Adam. You know what we have to do.

ADAM DRIVER

(nods)

BILL and ADAM grab their weapons and FUCKING DEMOLISH the REMAINING TATTERS OF THE FILM'S FOURTH WALL, SO DAMN HARD THEY EVEN REFER TO CURRENTLY BEING IN AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT ON THE EDITING ROOM DOT COM BEING READ BY YOU, THAT'S HOW UTTERLY FUCKING WRECKED THE FOURTH WALL IS. Then they get EATEN.

TOM WAITS

On the bright side, everything sucks and is shit.

END